Their Insecurities Pushed You Away? No bashing please
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I wouldn't worry about it,given how cautious a decent guy needs to be so as not to be seen as a creep.
Plus with your kids their it may just have not seemed appropriate to him.
Not sure I understand the "may just have not seemed appropriate" part ... this is someone who I've hung out with a LOT (lost track- for almost two weeks it was like every other day); he's come to our Sunday school class get-togethers (where our kids played together). His son and mine are like two peas in a pod, formed a quick friendship, which makes it easier to see him. Do you mean that telling me I looked nice might not seem inappropriate?0 -
you can project your insecurity on him without any reason to
I disagree here... my (admittedly limited) experience has been that men who don't find me attractive, yet still want to hang around me/date/do things together aren't interested in pursuing a long-term relationship with me. They're generally in it for a temporary need like unemotional sex, care for their kids, or even to make their ex mad by having a girl on their arm (even a guy who finds me attractive might still be in it only for those ulterior motives).
So it's important to me that a guy I'm with find me attractive. I don't think it's automatically "projecting insecurity" to take note that he didn't say anything when that's something I really desire in a relationship.0 -
I wouldn't worry about it,given how cautious a decent guy needs to be so as not to be seen as a creep.
Plus with your kids their it may just have not seemed appropriate to him.
Not sure I understand the "may just have not seemed appropriate" part ... this is someone who I've hung out with a LOT (lost track- for almost two weeks it was like every other day); he's come to our Sunday school class get-togethers (where our kids played together). His son and mine are like two peas in a pod, formed a quick friendship, which makes it easier to see him. Do you mean that telling me I looked nice might not seem inappropriate?
Has it been under a dating/relationship building basis which was clear to both?disagree here... my (admittedly limited) experience has been that men who don't find me attractive, yet still want to hang around me/date/do things together aren't interested in pursuing a long-term relationship with me. They're generally in it for a temporary need like unemotional sex, care for their kids, or even to make their ex mad by having a girl on their arm (even a guy who finds me attractive might still be in it only for those ulterior motives).
So it's important to me that a guy I'm with find me attractive. I don't think it's automatically "projecting insecurity" to take note that he didn't say anything when that's something I really desire in a relationship.
And he knows your desire for this to be expressed how?
Plus you have already started undoing it in your mind without even giving things a chance.
Just understand what you are doing here and if you are comfortable with yourself about it.0 -
Do you mean that telling me I looked nice might not seem inappropriate?Has it been under a dating/relationship building basis which was clear to both?
Yes. He was one of the first guys I met through Match this time around.So it's important to me that a guy I'm with find me attractive. I don't think it's automatically "projecting insecurity" to take note that he didn't say anything when that's something I really desire in a relationship.
And he knows your desire for this to be expressed how?
The fact that I need him to find me attractive? or the fact that I'd like him to express it verbally?
I told him the other day I needed to hear more compliments from him, as he likes to make fun (both of himself and others) and I told him I couldn't handle that all the time unless he balanced it out with more compliments. I've not said specifically "in order to be in a relationship with you I need compliments " because he's ok with waiting for sex (don't wanna overwhelm him, lol) and it appears (but I'm not sure) that his method of affirmation is more affection (hugs, touching, etc) and doing things for people rather than verbalizing it.0 -
Do you mean that telling me I looked nice might not seem inappropriate?Has it been under a dating/relationship building basis which was clear to both?
Yes. He was one of the first guys I met through Match this time around.So it's important to me that a guy I'm with find me attractive. I don't think it's automatically "projecting insecurity" to take note that he didn't say anything when that's something I really desire in a relationship.
And he knows your desire for this to be expressed how?
The fact that I need him to find me attractive? or the fact that I'd like him to express it verbally?
I told him the other day I needed to hear more compliments from him, as he likes to make fun (both of himself and others) and I told him I couldn't handle that all the time unless he balanced it out with more compliments. I've not said specifically "in order to be in a relationship with you I need compliments " because he's ok with waiting for sex (don't wanna overwhelm him, lol) and it appears (but I'm not sure) that his method of affirmation is more affection (hugs, touching, etc) and doing things for people rather than verbalizing it.
If he shows his desire for you in other ways then I would say give him a chance,you (ladies) want us to accept you as you are and how you are as women so understand that needs to be reciprocated too.
By this I mean if it is not his nature and he clearly shows an interest in other ways how much is the overall thing worth it to you to move his direction on that and understand he is showing affection as he knows it.
There is a thread her now where too many compliments was unsettling so that can happen as well.
He should be willing to move to you and do as you wish too and if it doesn`t come naturally for him it will take some work.
Then the question is how much time and what middle ground are you acceptable with and that will be subject to your overall desire or interest in him and a relationship.
Communicate and be patient. :flowerforyou:0 -
Okay,going to put this out here for discussion and for all of ya to get mad at me again.
Janie,I have said on here that I think you are a very attractive lady,I can`t begin to imagine any situation given what is life where you would think that is a "line" and not my honest view.
I tell that to ladies on my friends list regularly because it is simply the truth.
Now the rub and what will get me in trouble but I don`t care.
If I get the sense from a lady potentially as a relationship issue that this is a "needy" thing then it is a red flag because now I am in the middle of a test that I will never know if I passed or failed.
When is enough enough,once a day,special occasions,every time I see her?
It becomes draining and I have the feeling that my neck is always on the chopping block should I mess it up.
I understand what you are saying about feeling desired,we all want that,to feel as if no person you could be attracted to would ever feel the same takes the life out of you and that I doubt is gender related.
Just perhaps think on it a bit and try to see that there could be other ways he shows his attraction and also learn to accept those for what they are. :flowerforyou:0 -
To keep rambling on here,he also should be willing to be what you want even if not natural for him.
To say this is who I am take it or leave it will probably never work out,in the long run...no person will do that.
Both have to move to the other,try to understand the others needs and be willing to mutually surrender their own desires for the sake of pleasing the man or lady you want to be with.
Maybe overly idealistic but think it is what should at least be the basics.0 -
Most men pretty much undress women with their eyes from almost the first time they meet them so if he's in your age range then it is very likely that he already had a good idea what your shape was going to be before you made it to the pool. All different types of figures attract men.
The real point is that men reach a certain point in life where they start evaluating women based on what you can bring to the table, compatibility, finances etc., your an attractive lady but their are tons of beautiful women out there and u said the guy was a bodybuilder with a great physique he probably has/does meets them all the time.obviously if hes been hanging around for a couple of months u posses qualities that spark his interest beyond your body image.0 -
Most men pretty much undress women with their eyes from almost the first time they meet them so if he's in your age range then it is very likely that he already had a good idea what your shape was going to be before you made it to the pool. All different types of figures attract men.
The real point is that men reach a certain point in life where they start evaluating women based on what you can bring to the table, compatibility, finances etc., your an attractive lady but their are tons of beautiful women out there and u said the guy was a bodybuilder with a great physique he probably has/does meets them all the time.obviously if hes been hanging around for a couple of months u posses qualities that spark his interest beyond your body image.
^^^this^^^0 -
Carl (and others) thanks for everything you wrote...And for anyone else reading this thread... since the funny point kinda got swallowed up in the discussion...please take note that HE, too, was stressed out about HIS appearance, since we moved the swim time and he didn't have time to properly prepare.
Something for us ladies to keep in mind next time we're stressing about what a guy thinks.0 -
Most men pretty much undress women with their eyes from almost the first time they meet them so if he's in your age range then it is very likely that he already had a good idea what your shape was going to be before you made it to the pool. All different types of figures attract men.
The real point is that men reach a certain point in life where they start evaluating women based on what you can bring to the table, compatibility, finances etc., your an attractive lady but their are tons of beautiful women out there and u said the guy was a bodybuilder with a great physique he probably has/does meets them all the time.obviously if hes been hanging around for a couple of months u posses qualities that spark his interest beyond your body image.
^^^this^^^
Thanks guys...I needed that0 -
Carl (and others) thanks for everything you wrote...And for anyone else reading this thread... since the funny point kinda got swallowed up in the discussion...please take note that HE, too, was stressed out about HIS appearance, since we moved the swim time and he didn't have time to properly prepare.
Something for us ladies to keep in mind next time we're stressing about what a guy thinks.
I am a guy and definitely not a body builder so can`t relate but if someone had generically offered this scenario I would have guessed that it would have been a turn off for him to act that way.
Am I wrong?0 -
I find guys that compliment so much tend to be insincere. The guys that show their appreciation in ways that aren't just words are the ones that actually mean it
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I am a guy and definitely not a body builder so can`t relate but if someone had generically offered this scenario I would have guessed that it would have been a turn off for him to act that way.
Am I wrong?
I would only be turned off by it if he refused to let it go. I get that people have certain insecurities (I do, too), but I don't want to feel like I am in a constant battle against someone else's personal issues.
In this circumstance, I probably would've told him how sexy I thought he was, with or without the shirt, and then told him to do whatever he felt comfortable with. If he chose to leave the shirt on, fine. But if he continued to whine about it, THAT would be a turnoff.
I will make an effort to put a guy at ease in the beginning and get him to loosen up. I do this a lot if I'm on a date with a guy who seems really nervous. One time, I was fixed up with a guy, and he came to pick me up. We had talked on the phone several times, so I thought he'd be cool, but he was so nervous he couldn't even look at me. I decided we had to fix that, so I asked if I could have a hug. He said sure, so I grabbed him and turned it into an inappropriately lengthy hug. He tried to pull away a couple of times, and I squeezed him harder until he finally started laughing, and then we were good to go, and he talked my ear off the rest of the night. But there's only so much I can do. After a certain point, if he's not comfortable being himself around me, then it's not going to work.0 -
I am a guy and definitely not a body builder so can`t relate but if someone had generically offered this scenario I would have guessed that it would have been a turn off for him to act that way.
Am I wrong?
I’ve been out with guys (mostly those with significant paunches) who were nervous about taking off their shirts so we could swim or hike, so I didn’t think anything negative of it.
I felt, in his case, he knows I love how he looks, was impressed with his competition pics, and he really wanted to have “prepped” himself for the first time I saw him shirtless. I told him how great he looked at random times, let him catch me oogling ;-) I guess if he had kept on about it I would have been annoyed, but he didn’t. After all, there were kids to play with and that makes you forget about yourself ;-)I find guys that compliment so much tend to be insincere. The guys that show their appreciation in ways that aren't just words are the ones that actually mean it
You are so right. I wish I could change my “love language” lol, because I *know* intellectually that verbal means nothing but MAN those sweet nothings get me every time.
@JQ I love how you put that guy at ease! ::taking notes::0 -
Do you mean that telling me I looked nice might not seem inappropriate?Has it been under a dating/relationship building basis which was clear to both?
Yes. He was one of the first guys I met through Match this time around.So it's important to me that a guy I'm with find me attractive. I don't think it's automatically "projecting insecurity" to take note that he didn't say anything when that's something I really desire in a relationship.
And he knows your desire for this to be expressed how?
The fact that I need him to find me attractive? or the fact that I'd like him to express it verbally?
I told him the other day I needed to hear more compliments from him, as he likes to make fun (both of himself and others) and I told him I couldn't handle that all the time unless he balanced it out with more compliments. I've not said specifically "in order to be in a relationship with you I need compliments " because he's ok with waiting for sex (don't wanna overwhelm him, lol) and it appears (but I'm not sure) that his method of affirmation is more affection (hugs, touching, etc) and doing things for people rather than verbalizing it.
you need to hear it
he wants to touch/hug
you're getting it, just not the way you want it but it's the way he's used to it and comfortable.
Take it.0 -
you need to hear it
he wants to touch/hug
you're getting it, just not the way you want it but it's the way he's used to it and comfortable.
Take it.
I went to his restaurant today for lunch, and watching him personally get my food, dote on me, grinning at me the whole time (and making silly jokes about how my being in uniform is holding him back), I was reassured that he finds me attractive. Guys don't invite you around their employees if they aren't proud of you. Especially in uniform.0 -
you need to hear it
he wants to touch/hug
you're getting it, just not the way you want it but it's the way he's used to it and comfortable.
Take it.
I went to his restaurant today for lunch, and watching him personally get my food, dote on me, grinning at me the whole time (and making silly jokes about how my being in uniform is holding him back), I was reassured that he finds me attractive. Guys don't invite you around their employees if they aren't proud of you. Especially in uniform.
Exactly. See. It's fine.0
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