Once a cheater, always a cheater?

MyTime1985

A friend of mine (strictly platonic) cheated on his wife while married. She never found out and they are divorced for other reasons. He has starting dating again and he said if he ever got married again it would be to the right person and he wouldn't cheat. Do you think once someone cheats they always will regardless of the person?

will010574

I would like to think the answer to that is no, otherwise there will be a whole host of miserable SOB's out there in the world.

The fairytale is that once you meet that one person you wouldnt want to cheat, but to me an even simpler answer is if you want to cheat because you are unhappy then first tell your partner you are not happy, fix it or get separated and then bang away!

I hope the answer is no, but my gut says it is yes!

La_Amazona

No.

I've said this before...

I believe there are 2 types of cheaters.

Ones who learned from the biggest mistake they've made and will never do it again (whether it's with the same partner or a new one) because they know the harm it does.

Then there are the cheaters who don't give a damn about anybody but themselves. Usually these cheaters don't think before they do, they just want instant gratification. It's easier each time (my ex was this). These cheaters will be cheaters or at least struggle with it to some point.

Carl01

Not a given but I think more likely then a person who never did.

Moe4572

No.

I've said this before...

I believe there are 2 types of cheaters.

Ones who learned from the biggest mistake they've made and will never do it again (whether it's with the same partner or a new one) because they know the harm it does.

Then there are the cheaters who don't give a damn about anybody but themselves. Usually these cheaters don't think before they do, they just want instant gratification. It's easier each time (my ex was this). These cheaters will be cheaters or at least struggle with it to some point.

I agree with this

brewerchick

I think for the most part yes unless it was a one-time regretful mistake as stated above. I hate to say it but most guys (not all) I know have cheated and it seems to be more in their personality and who they are....not who the chick is.

DavetheHYNIC

A friend of mine (strictly platonic) cheated on his wife while married. She never found out and they are divorced for other reasons. He has starting dating again and he said if he ever got married again it would be to the right person and he wouldn't cheat. Do you think once someone cheats they always will regardless of the person?

I know for a fact it can be done cause I've lived it. Life changes and matures people all the time , I know your question is rhetorical in a sense but I think that's an easy one

Steelheart7

I think for the most part yes unless it was a one-time regretful mistake as stated above. I hate to say it but most guys (not all) I know have cheated and it seems to be more in their personality and who they are....not who the chick is.

Totally agree with both things.

Sometimes all it takes is that one time and you feel sooooo totally horrible that you would never in a million years do it again .. coughmecough..

Then there are others who will always cheat .. even if they think they won't. They will. I was glad when I found out my ex cheated on his new girlfriend .. cuz that meant it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. He will always be a cheater no matter who he is with.

DMZ_1

Not a given but I think more likely then a person who never did.

Agree. Carl gets it right again.

yoovie

A friend of mine (strictly platonic) cheated on his wife while married. She never found out and they are divorced for other reasons. He has starting dating again and he said if he ever got married again it would be to the right person and he wouldn't cheat. Do you think once someone cheats they always will regardless of the person?

absolutely not. I believe its a situation by situation individual basis. Also, having an affair and cheating both change you in different ways- just as resisting temptation also changes you. No matter how you make the bed, the experience chnges you and you know if you can do it again, or if you will never need to again.

MyTime1985

I've always believed once someone cheats they always will but now I'm not completely sure. Obviously, at some time the person you cheated on was shiny and new. They were the only one you wanted. Yet you cheat on them so why wouldn't the same happen later? On the other hand I don't think I could refuse to date my "perfect" person because they had cheated in their past. Quite the contradiction; I know.

I guess I get the two types of cheaters but I don't know of anyone that has cheated, got into a new relationship and never cheated again. Not that the people I know always end up cheating again (although some do) but it hasn't been long enough to tell or they haven't entered a relationship yet. This type of cheater would imply age and maturity. They grow up and don't do it again maybe??

I have never cheated because I know what it feels like to be cheated on. My ex was like yours La_Amazona. I couldn't do that to another person.

christine24t

Generally speaking, I think yes, but I also think there are a few select cases where the person made a genuine mistake.

Nerple

No.

I've said this before...

I believe there are 2 types of cheaters.

Ones who learned from the biggest mistake they've made and will never do it again (whether it's with the same partner or a new one) because they know the harm it does.

Then there are the cheaters who don't give a damn about anybody but themselves. Usually these cheaters don't think before they do, they just want instant gratification. It's easier each time (my ex was this). These cheaters will be cheaters or at least struggle with it to some point.

My thoughts exactly.

Doreen_Murray

I think cheating is a learned behavior and in order for a person to stop doing it they have to care enough to recognize it's a problem and get professional help to stop repeating the cycle. I don't think many people take that step, so my instinct is to stay away from people with a history of cheating from a dating perspective to protect myself.

hcoburn37

my ex husband cheated for 3 years and I never knew it. I whole heartedly believe he will do it again to someone else.

mrmanmeat

A friend of mine (strictly platonic) cheated on his wife while married. She never found out and they are divorced for other reasons. He has starting dating again and he said if he ever got married again it would be to the right person and he wouldn't cheat. Do you think once someone cheats they always will regardless of the person?

I have cheated once. It killed me.

I won't do it again. I'll call for a breakup before the deed before I cheat again.

MissingMinnesota

No.

I've said this before...

I believe there are 2 types of cheaters.

Ones who learned from the biggest mistake they've made and will never do it again (whether it's with the same partner or a new one) because they know the harm it does.

Then there are the cheaters who don't give a damn about anybody but themselves. Usually these cheaters don't think before they do, they just want instant gratification. It's easier each time (my ex was this). These cheaters will be cheaters or at least struggle with it to some point.

Another one that agrees with this

I know for a fact it can be done cause I've lived it. Life changes and matures people all the time , I know your question is rhetorical in a sense but I think that's an easy one

also agree with this other then I have never done it.

catherine4211

I say no. People make mistakes and learn from them. Ask me in another 20 years.

IronmanPanda

No.

I've said this before...

I believe there are 2 types of cheaters.

Ones who learned from the biggest mistake they've made and will never do it again (whether it's with the same partner or a new one) because they know the harm it does.

Then there are the cheaters who don't give a damn about anybody but themselves. Usually these cheaters don't think before they do, they just want instant gratification. It's easier each time (my ex was this). These cheaters will be cheaters or at least struggle with it to some point.

I think I would tend to agree with this.

morganhccstudent724

No.

flimflamfloz

It depends on why the person cheated in the first place.

If they cheated because they were unhappy in their relationship, then they just have to be happy in their next relationship to not cheat.
If they cheated because they *NEED* to sleep with a different woman everyday, then they just have to buy about 365 wigs to their next relationship - or they might cheat.
If they cheated because they were drunk, then they need not to drink so much.
Etc.

(Unless cheating is a genetic condition, then no, it can be overcome)

Daisy_Cutter

my ex husband cheated for 3 years and I never knew it. I whole heartedly believe he will do it again to someone else.

I caught mine after 7 years and 10 affairs.... UGH... Yeah, no doubt he'll do it again. No doubt.

MyTime1985

Why do these guys even get married? Grrr.

JanieJack

I say yes.

I've seen some people (on that marriagebuilders.com forum I'm always touting) who were able to overcome the cheating habit by addressing the deficiency in their lives that led up to it.

BUT what I've seen more often in real life (both as a pastor’s wife and in going TDY with military guys often) is that it's a personality thing.

Either they need the thrill. Or they feel entitled. Or they aren’t good at resolving conflict. Or they aren’t good at communicating their needs (so their spouse can’t meet them). Whatever the reason, “finding the right woman” doesn’t solve the personality issue.

Daisy_Cutter

I say yes.

I've seen some people (on that marriagebuilders.com forum I'm always touting) who were able to overcome the cheating habit by addressing the deficiency in their lives that led up to it.

BUT what I've seen more often in real life (both as a pastor’s wife and in going TDY with military guys often) is that it's a personality thing.

Either they need the thrill. Or they feel entitled. Or they aren’t good at resolving conflict. Or they aren’t good at communicating their needs (so their spouse can’t meet them). Whatever the reason, “finding the right woman” doesn’t solve the personality issue.

Mine was actually diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder... need I say more?

threnners

My ex husband is a sex addict. He was "open to other opportunities" from day 1 I later found out. In his case, he is a serial cheater. He will never not cheat on anyone. In fact, I already know he's tried to hook up with other women even though he's living with another one. Sucks to be her, I guess.

I think there are however one timers who make a terrible mistake and are repentant, but they are a rare species.

AnnaPixie

I think there is a 'one off' situation that is deeply regretted and never done again.

Then there is the serial cheater who thinks its ok to cheat.

I think you can gauge the type pretty easily. If there is no remorse, no guilt, or it was the other persons fault cos they didnt do xyz then they will do it again.......and again.........:huh:

Emv79

Why do these guys even get married? Grrr.

I'm a woman and I won't try to speak for all men, but just the many things I've observed from the men I've worked with over the last 12 years in 2 companies (to give you an idea, on the 300 people that were at our last North-American meeting, 12 were women).

Not all cheat, but many more than we think do (FYI, for the record, I don't touch the payroll!). They still want a wife and kids, which a large majority love and never intend on leaving...but, the thrill of the chase, often the feeling of being able "to get the younger one" or the "sexiest one" is what is often appealing.

I still hope to find someone that would remain faithful, but unfortunately, I've seen way too often how common cheating is. It's even harder when I have met the wife and kids and I have seen the individual "pick-up" another women.

dbrightwell1270

For all the women complaining about all the men who cheat, did you ever think it's so prevalent because the same characteristics that I see described as necessary to be attracted to a man are the ones that are more likely to be prevalent in men who will cheat?

For example, I often read on here that if a man is too shy to approach a woman, he isn't the right guy to date because either he lacks confidence or he isn't really into you because if he was, he'd let you know and ask you out. It seems to me that the guys who will go up to a woman with little or no introduction, and strike up a conversation are also the ones who can do that with most women. They are more skilled and adept at the introductory phases so why wouldn't they be more likely to cheat. It's easier for them to meet and initiate intimate contact with women.

djsupreme6

well no its not true because not all guys are the same...some will cheat over and over again...but it would seem rare in my opinion...I actually know lots more women who cheat on their fellas...I also know women who...even though knowing full well that they're getting involved with a guy who has cheated lots of times on different people..will still get involved with this guy and when it happens...act like its something thats new

will010574

I think for the most part yes unless it was a one-time regretful mistake as stated above. I hate to say it but most guys (not all) I know have cheated and it seems to be more in their personality and who they are....not who the chick is.

The same can be said for women! Men aren't the only ones who cheat!