Guys, please don't...
Replies
-
The two times I dated separated women I later found out that papers hadn't been filed and they still lived with their husbands.
I understand safety concerns, but at some point early on I make a point of picking them up at their home or meeting some of their friends.0 -
Personally, I won't date anyone that went out or fooled around with any of my friends. Once I see 'her' with one of my bros, she is pretty much tainted for life.
This is part of the bro code... Unless she is really really hot.0 -
Sure, you don't have to get super serious, but what's it gonna hurt to at least try?
Because the last guy that I dated, who told me he was separated, and agreed to be was "just friends with" never got around to actually getting divorced.
And because, while I'm cool with “just being friends,” and I give separated guys that opportunity, somehow they turn around and get offended that I only want to see them in FRIEND environments... such as football gatherings, singles group dinners, etc.
Also, I'm not looking for guys who say "it's just a piece of paper, means nothing." Because to me, it means something. It means that there are very serious consequences for ignoring issues and ignoring each other’s emotional needs.0 -
Sure, you don't have to get super serious, but what's it gonna hurt to at least try?
Because the last guy that I dated, who told me he was separated, and agreed to be was "just friends with" never got around to actually getting divorced.
Not to be a jerk but if you follow this reason to absurdity, you shouldn't date single men with the intent of finding a marriage partner because the last single guy you married didn't turn out too well either. Or perhaps you should just give up on marriage all together since it didn't work out well.
There are plenty of reasons not to date a seperated guy, such as he is probably on the rebound and isn't really ready for the type of relationship you want, etc. However, having a bad experience with the last one and assuming they are all bad is a logical fallacy. I was robbed at gunpoint by a black man. Should I assume all black men are criminal thugs?0 -
Not to be a jerk but if you follow this reason to absurdity, you shouldn't date single men with the intent of finding a marriage partner because the last single guy you married didn't turn out too well either. Or perhaps you should just give up on marriage all together since it didn't work out well.
There are plenty of reasons not to date a seperated guy, such as he is probably on the rebound and isn't really ready for the type of relationship you want, etc. However, having a bad experience with the last one and assuming they are all bad is a logical fallacy. I was robbed at gunpoint by a black man. Should I assume all black men are criminal thugs?
Don’t agree with your logic. We can always agree to disagree on this.
There’s a REASON most dating advice sites say avoid the “separated” man. Because the woman often wants to be married. And more often than not this guy is not gonna be the one to marry you. You are gonna be a rebound at best or an affair at worst. And then he’ll marry (or get into a LTR) with someone else. Doesn’t mean it won’t be fun. Doesn’t mean you can’t get to know someone.
Not the same as racial stereotyping.
My personal code is not to engage in romantic behaviors with other peoples husbands. If I’m awesome enough to someone that he really wants to spend the rest of his life with me, he will respect that, even if he doesn’t agree. What’s one year waiting for your paperwork to clear when compared to the next 40-50 we might have together? Honestly. Most of these guys pushing to get into a relationship immediately after the marriage falls apart probably aren’t ready for a relationship anyway.
I formed my opinion on watching my coworkers seduce countless women while TDY talking about how their wife doesn’t understand them and he’s leaving her when he gets home (NOT!). This opinion was reinforced by the guy I allowed myself to get attached to (in a “friend” environment, btw but still should have never happened)...who is still, 2.5 years later MARRIED... and the let's count 'em 6 in my Match.com folder who said something like “Ok we can just be friends until my divorce is final” but then dogged me out for inviting them to friend-style events (where we’re not alone)…Or how about the 3 guys who approached my friends over the last year, saying they’re separated, but are still married (no papers filed).0 -
I agree with you JJ.
It's not saying that seperated men (or women) are bad folks. But there's a healing that needs to take place. Hell, I still feel I'm healing and my marriage was dead since 2007. I had fallen out of love with my ex since then. Just because you make that decision to end things, doesn't mean it ends right there. There's a rollercoaster. For me, since I didn't have feelings for him, it was more fear of being alone, of the unknown, etc. This is something you need to work on before you get involved with someone else. I have.. but even then, it still pops up in my new relationship, hence the overthinking.
I wouldn't date a seperated man. With that said, when I first got seperated, my rebound was also going through a divorce. It was a hot mess. Gah. Broken attracts broken was right on in that "relationship".
Never again.0 -
Not to be a jerk but if you follow this reason to absurdity, you shouldn't date single men with the intent of finding a marriage partner because the last single guy you married didn't turn out too well either. Or perhaps you should just give up on marriage all together since it didn't work out well.
There are plenty of reasons not to date a seperated guy, such as he is probably on the rebound and isn't really ready for the type of relationship you want, etc. However, having a bad experience with the last one and assuming they are all bad is a logical fallacy. I was robbed at gunpoint by a black man. Should I assume all black men are criminal thugs?
Don’t agree with your logic. We can always agree to disagree on this.
There’s a REASON most dating advice sites say avoid the “separated” man. Because the woman often wants to be married. And more often than not this guy is not gonna be the one to marry you. You are gonna be a rebound at best or an affair at worst. And then he’ll marry (or get into a LTR) with someone else. Doesn’t mean it won’t be fun. Doesn’t mean you can’t get to know someone.
Not the same as racial stereotyping.
My personal code is not to engage in romantic behaviors with other peoples husbands. If I’m awesome enough to someone that he really wants to spend the rest of his life with me, he will respect that, even if he doesn’t agree. What’s one year waiting for your paperwork to clear when compared to the next 40-50 we might have together? Honestly. Most of these guys pushing to get into a relationship immediately after the marriage falls apart probably aren’t ready for a relationship anyway.
I formed my opinion on watching my coworkers seduce countless women while TDY talking about how their wife doesn’t understand them and he’s leaving her when he gets home (NOT!). This opinion was reinforced by the guy I allowed myself to get attached to (in a “friend” environment, btw but still should have never happened)...who is still, 2.5 years later MARRIED... and the let's count 'em 6 in my Match.com folder who said something like “Ok we can just be friends until my divorce is final” but then dogged me out for inviting them to friend-style events (where we’re not alone)…Or how about the 3 guys who approached my friends over the last year, saying they’re separated, but are still married (no papers filed).
Those are all valid reasons but that is not what you said. What you said was:Because the last guy that I dated, who told me he was separated, and agreed to be was "just friends with" never got around to actually getting divorced.
I am sure I also said most of what you alluded to in your post quoted above by stating:There are plenty of reasons not to date a seperated guy, such as he is probably on the rebound and isn't really ready for the type of relationship you want, etc. However, having a bad experience with the last one and assuming they are all bad is a logical fallacy. I was robbed at gunpoint by a black man. Should I assume all black men are criminal thugs?0 -
Those are all valid reasons but that is not what you said. What you said was:Because the last guy that I dated, who told me he was separated, and agreed to be was "just friends with" never got around to actually getting divorced.
Dude... really? You know how much I can type. If I gave every single reason for why I believe something, my posts would be so long no one would ever read them. I threw out one reason, a very poignant example that I suspect resonates more clearly with most of the women reading this board than going into the intellectual and psychological reasons behind it ;-)
I’ve come to expect a higher level of argument from you…. Please don’t disappoint me
I am sure I also said most of what you alluded to in your post quoted above by stating:There are plenty of reasons not to date a seperated guy, such as he is probably on the rebound and isn't really ready for the type of relationship you want, etc.
Yes. On that we agree.0 -
sorry. I guess I am in more of a pissy mood than I realized this morning.0
-
sorry. I guess I am in more of a pissy mood than I realized this morning.
aww... that's too bad!
OTOH, your pissy mood has effectively helped me use up some extra energy so thanks.
:flowerforyou:
ETA: PS... I might be in an over-reactive over-emotional mood myself. But if I was, like any woman I probably wouldn't admit it. Lol.0 -
Oh wow!! I found this thread while searching for one I thought I posted about a cheating coworker. These two got engaged and are now married. Check it out at http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/810313-my-friend-s-fianc-hit-on-me?hl=tell+friend+boyfriend+asked+me+out#posts-12125278
Oh, and if anyone can help me find the post about the cheating coworker, please let me know. The husband has returned home from deployment and he's asking me to help prove a case so she can't lay claim to his military retirement.0 -
Separated is still married and even if you have moved on, you technically can't commit to/marry anyone else. Soooo no thank you!!0
-
My parents have been separated for 24 years. Never finalized the divorce for reasons of $ and "meh". It honestly doesn't bother me if someone has been separated for a couple years etc. For those that do mind...what are your rules regarding potential partners that were common-law previously? Do you have a set waiting period? Clearly there is no official paperwork...0
-
Oh wow!! I found this thread while searching for one I thought I posted about a cheating coworker. These two got engaged and are now married. Check it out at http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/810313-my-friend-s-fianc-hit-on-me?hl=tell+friend+boyfriend+asked+me+out#posts-12125278
Oh, and if anyone can help me find the post about the cheating coworker, please let me know. The husband has returned home from deployment and he's asking me to help prove a case so she can't lay claim to his military retirement.
Here on MFP?0 -
Oh wow!! I found this thread while searching for one I thought I posted about a cheating coworker. These two got engaged and are now married. Check it out at http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/810313-my-friend-s-fianc-hit-on-me?hl=tell+friend+boyfriend+asked+me+out#posts-12125278
Oh, and if anyone can help me find the post about the cheating coworker, please let me know. The husband has returned home from deployment and he's asking me to help prove a case so she can't lay claim to his military retirement.
Here on MFP?
If you click on the number of posts under your profile picture that will take you to all the posts you have posted. If you know about the time that posted about the cheating co-worker you could narrow down the search.0 -
My parents have been separated for 24 years. Never finalized the divorce for reasons of $ and "meh". It honestly doesn't bother me if someone has been separated for a couple years etc. For those that do mind...what are your rules regarding potential partners that were common-law previously? Do you have a set waiting period? Clearly there is no official paperwork...
For me it's the fact that CAN'T remarry. I was with my kid's dad for 8.5 years, 7 of those he was married to someone else. It SUCKED he couldn't marry me.... But in this case hindsite is 20/20. I'm not questioning the fact they aren't over their ex, I'm questioning being with someone who can't give me what I'm ultimately looking for...marriage...... Especially when I've witnessed how hard people can make the processes of divorce and how some purposely drag it out, vanish, etc. I know this isn't the case for all, but in my 2 experiences with it, it wasn't in my favour so now I shy against it.
Ps- in Canada you need to be separated 1 year before divorce.0 -
Oh wow!! I found this thread while searching for one I thought I posted about a cheating coworker. These two got engaged and are now married. Check it out at http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/810313-my-friend-s-fianc-hit-on-me?hl=tell+friend+boyfriend+asked+me+out#posts-12125278
Oh, and if anyone can help me find the post about the cheating coworker, please let me know. The husband has returned home from deployment and he's asking me to help prove a case so she can't lay claim to his military retirement.
Here on MFP?
Yes, I thought so. I found a few posts where I referenced their situation, but I could have sworn I posted one about her specifically and how to handle it. Back on my home computer I have a list of all my topics, but don't have that list with me here.
I did find where I posted about it in other forums so that will help, but I thought I posted it on MFP as well.0 -
If you click on the number of posts under your profile picture that will take you to all the posts you have posted. If you know about the time that posted about the cheating co-worker you could narrow down the search.
Thanks, that's where I started but for some reason that doesn't show you every single post.
For example, in searching I found a couple posts where I mentioned her situation in threads on "what is cheating" but those posts did not come up in my long list of user posts. IDK why that is.0 -
Especially when I've witnessed how hard people can make the processes of divorce and how some purposely drag it out, vanish, etc. I know this isn't the case for all, but in my 2 experiences with it, it wasn't in my favour so now I shy against it.For those that do mind...what are your rules regarding potential partners that were common-law previously? Do you have a set waiting period?
For me it's two fold:
1. Most (not all, but most) guys who told me they were "separated" had no real intention of divorcing their wives. How do I know this? Because I got a lot of guys like this 4 years ago when I first got divorced and guess what? they're still married, still telling women "our marriage has really been over for years, my wife doesn't understand me, etc"
2. If I want to be married, the fact that you are not in a position to marry me is a dealbreaker. And if you were common law for that long then I suspect we won't be compatible in terms of opinions on marriage anyway.
I've made many separated guys an offer to get to know each other in public, group, non-romantic settings until they're officially divorced. Only one guy in 4 years actually took me up on that, but after a year it was obvious he was never gonna leave his wife.0 -
My parents have been separated for 24 years. Never finalized the divorce for reasons of $ and "meh". It honestly doesn't bother me if someone has been separated for a couple years etc. For those that do mind...what are your rules regarding potential partners that were common-law previously? Do you have a set waiting period? Clearly there is no official paperwork...
My ex-husband and I have been legally seperated for 7 years now... I expect we will be getting around to getting divorced in the next year or two because his GF wants to get married.... However it was never a big deal for us since we have maintain seperate households and ect since day 1... We own no communal property infact the only thing we ever "possesed" together are the children..When I dated someone I do explain that I'm legally still married but have been seperated for more then 7 years... Apperantly not such a big deal down here lol0
