Kid trying to sabatoge relationship
Options
Replies
-
He is frustrated with the rollercoaster ride of emotions we are going through. We have a great time together and feel on cloud nine and then I get home to be yelled at by my daughter and is wearing on us both.
"we" are going through or *you*? Just trying to understand. Because if he's frustrated w/your daughter you can partially mitigate that by not telling him her responses…or at least not telling him how she reacts until you figure out why she's being so rude (is it him, specifically, or is it that she doesn't want you dating because of her own insecurities)
I am NOT one to cater to a child (I pay the bills... when you pay your own bills then you can have a say)... but OTOH, if she's 18, about to move out this summer, what's the harm in seeing him less (or during times like I suggested that don't intrude upon her life) for the next 2 months?
Or, are there other issues brewing (like the long distance) and perhaps he's using this as an excuse...?
I once had to tell a guy I didn't see myself driving a couple of hours away to get to know him. He got mad at me, like it was my fault. I pointed out that it takes two to tango... and he wasn't making the effort to come see me either.0 -
I know that you love her, but your daughter needs professional help. Her behavior is just not healthy for you or her. She is a grown woman. I'm a firm believer of cutting off anything and anyone that causes you drama or pain in life. Best of luck! :flowerforyou:0
-
I am NOT one to cater to a child (I pay the bills... when you pay your own bills then you can have a say)... but OTOH, if she's 18, about to move out this summer, what's the harm in seeing him less (or during times like I suggested that don't intrude upon her life) for the next 2 months?
The reason I ask this is because I was thinking about the time BEFORE my mom and stepdad moved in together. My mom went out a lot, often leaving us home alone or with our dad (who pretty much left us alone). Granted, I was 15 and well able to care for my sibs but it hurt me deeply that she never wanted to spend time with *us.* When my stepdad came into the picture, his best friend was dating a girl from my school (uh, jailbait! But she was the police chief’s daughter so I guess it was ok???). So I remember a couple times where she would come to school and say how she was out drinking with her man… and my mom!!
That really made me mad.
Like I said, my stepdad turned out to be very family oriented, and it all worked out. And I’m not (NOT) making excuses for bad manipulative behavior on the part of your daughter (anyone threatening suicide as a coercive tactic is just plain wrong in my book and the therapist will help you see if she’s genuine or being manipulative). But on the (rare) chance that she really DOES feel like no one cares about her (whether or not she is justified to feel that way) it might not hurt to step back and take a look at the bigger picture.0 -
Thank you everyone so much!!!! :flowerforyou:
I am taking her to the ER after work and seeing if she can get some help right now. I can't live with her threatening suicide and obviously she can't either. It is just too exhausting for all of us.
I see people's points and need to think about how to proceed. No man is worth losing a daughter over but then again, I don't want her to be manipulating me which will forever be a problem. I hope a counseler can help us whether it is with this relationship or the next one.0 -
I know that you love her, but your daughter needs professional help. Her behavior is just not healthy for you or her. She is a grown woman. I'm a firm believer of cutting off anything and anyone that causes you drama or pain in life. Best of luck! :flowerforyou:
Professional help? More like she just needs to be put in her place by her Mother. Sounds like for awhile she's gotten her way.0 -
I am for sure thinking a little bit of both - seeing a counselor and being put in her place by mom. She is legally an adult, and these manipulative behaviours are unacceptable, and incredibly unhealthy. She will need to learn to deal with seperation in a healthy way - not all this drama.
If he is worth it and if he thinks you are worth it - he will stand by you through this, even though it is mentally and emotionally exhausting. The benefits at the end would be so worthwhile.0 -
I am for sure thinking a little bit of both - seeing a counselor and being put in her place by mom. She is legally an adult, and these manipulative behaviours are unacceptable, and incredibly unhealthy. She will need to learn to deal with seperation in a healthy way - not all this drama.
If he is worth it and if he thinks you are worth it - he will stand by you through this, even though it is mentally and emotionally exhausting. The benefits at the end would be so worthwhile.
Benefits being when the kid moves out and is on their own? I kid, sorta. lol0 -
Something occurred to me that I had not thought of before...has she had boyfriends of her own?
Give what you have told me about how she regards her father she may have an issue with men period.0 -
Threats of suicide should be taken very seriously. I didn't take my ex seriously when he told me he'd rather kill himself than move out of my house and live with his father. I thought he was being dramatic. A month later he hung himself in my backyard. DON'T assume she is being a drama queen.0
-
No offense but I think your daughter's issue goes a lot deeper than you having a boyfriend. Maybe some time needs to be focused on her to figure out what the problem is??? I'm sorry you're going through this! :flowerforyou:
This for sure.
ETA - Good luck at the ER.0 -
I totally agree she needs help and treatment before she moves away from home. The first year away at uni/college is sometimes very difficult for young people and it's not uncommon for those with psychological vulnerabilities to have their first full blown episode of illness at a time when they are alone without day to day support. I'd get her assessed by a licensed/accredited psychotherapist, clinical psychologist or psychiatrist. Training levels vary and although the ER is the right place to go if someone is threatening suicide the staff are not always qualified or experienced enough to do a full mental health assessment from a diagnosis/treatment point of view. They mainly focus on risk.
Of course your daughter comes first, but she would have these problems with anyone you dated. The fact he is far away may be a factor in that she is on her own for longer periods. It's not reasonable, but a fear of abandonment/rejection this strong, an inability to contain her distress and a refusal tro accept responsibility for herself indicates there maybe a serious underlying problem. Emotional imaturity and apparent manipulation go hand in hand with problems of this type. But make no mistake, the distress is likely to be real and extreme.
I wouldn't make any decisions about the relationship, regardless of the cause it does her no good to shift the responsibility for her well being to you in this way. I do advise seeing the shouting etc as a better alternative to suicidal acts, keeping calm, being very passive and soothing but boundaried in that unacceptable conduct results in a withdrawal of your presence. Always take suicidal threats seriously, even if they have been made frequently and not acted on. Good luck, I hope she gets the help she needs :flowerforyou:0
