I am SO confused

oddyogi

I don't know what this man wants from me! Or is he just really moving THAT SLOWLY. Am I just being so impatient? UGH.

Okay. So. Thursday night SL has duty so he has to stay at the barracks overnight. I offer the night before to go let his dogs out or something, he says nah that's okay, but then Thursday asks if the offer still stands. I meet up with him a chat for a few minutes while he's on a break to get his keys, then I go hang with his dogs for a little bit. Friday morning, he comes to pick me up, we go fishing all day, have a good time. Go back to my house, get my dogs, get some stuff, go back to his place. Shower, hanky panky, swim after it gets dark for a little bit, eat dinner, go to bed. This morning I ask, "Should I pack all my stuff or leave it here?" referring to my face wash and toothbrush and ****. He says something to the degree of, "Well that depends on if you stay the night again," and I say, "I only stay if I'm invited" and he just laughs. We go fishing again for a few hours, then he drops me back off at my house, we agree to relax, shower, cool down for a little bit then we'll meet up later. It's later and this is our text convo:

Me: Sooo, idea: I have lotsa food over here since I just went grocery shopping, so wouldja wanna come over here with your doggies instead of me going there?
SL: Hmmm, let me think for a minute
Me: Okiedokey
SL: I just got back from a dog walk. I think I might just hang in tonight, you don't have to come over if you have food to cook
Me: Oh, ok. Well I guess I thought you wanted to see me, lol
SL: I wouldn't mind, but I'm tuckered out from driving lol
SL: And I don't want your food to go bad. Food vs me, take the food haha
Me: I'd take you any day over food... It's just food
SL: Lol, true

"I wouldn't mind".. really? Not only that, but any time I say something to the degree of, "I've missed you" or say something sweet and/or affectionate like that, he'll just say something like "aww" or make a joke out of it instead of reciprocating it. I don't get it.

Is he that scared of getting hurt?

Now I'm really frustrated. I don't want to come over just because he doesn't mind. I want him to WANT me to come over. So I guess I'm camping out in my ****ing house by myself now.

catherine4211

I'm frustrated with you. I am the wrong person to comment or give my opinion. Lets see what the others have to say.

oddyogi

I'd also like to add that yesterday was the first time we've seen each other since our one encounter for six hours last weekend.

ItsCasey

If a guy essentially said to me "I wouldn't mind seeing you if you want to come to me," I'd let him spend the evening alone, and I'd go do whatever I wanted to do. And then the next time he wanted to see me, he'd have to call and ask me out.

I know I am old fashioned, but I have no tolerance for the hot/cold, maybe we're dating, maybe we're just hanging out crap. I'll back off, and if he wants to see me, he'll make it happen.

oddyogi

If a guy essentially said to me "I wouldn't mind seeing you if you want to come to me," I'd let him spend the evening alone, and I'd go do whatever I wanted to do. And then the next time he wanted to see me, he'd have to call and ask me out.

I know I am old fashioned, but I have no tolerance for the hot/cold, maybe we're dating, maybe we're just hanging out crap. I'll back off, and if he wants to see me, he'll make it happen.

Exactly.. and we've been seeing each other for like 6-7 weeks now. I would think we're past that point. Sigh.

I have no backup plans.

Carl01

He is trying to not come on to you too much at the fear of being regarded as a creeper.
He isn`t sure what you want so is dancing around the subject of getting intimate and protecting himself from rejection and also being castigated.

When he said "it depends on if you stay the night" that was an invitation...in a perfect world you would have asked or said I hope I am or he would have responded to what you did say with "you know you are invited".

It just seems to me that you are both feeling each other out and one or the other needs to calmly get to the point of where you are at as a couple.
Despite all the talk here about how a guy has to be the one to initiate please keep in mind that his feelings are on the line too as well as his reputation for being a stand up guy and not a creeper.
One wrong move with the wrong lady and he is branded with that.

Carl01

If a guy essentially said to me "I wouldn't mind seeing you if you want to come to me," I'd let him spend the evening alone, and I'd go do whatever I wanted to do. And then the next time he wanted to see me, he'd have to call and ask me out.

I know I am old fashioned, but I have no tolerance for the hot/cold, maybe we're dating, maybe we're just hanging out crap. I'll back off, and if he wants to see me, he'll make it happen.

This is my point about a cavalier attitude regarding what a guy is supposed to do and what a lady expects...it is what I want with no regard to where he is and if a failure it is one and done.
He has things to consider too and they can be in the context of being a gentleman that does not read minds,not a wuss always.

oddyogi

The thing is.. he's leaving it ALL up to me.. and I keep taking the reigns. I want him to initiate some stuff!

Thanks for your insight, Carl. I just really don't feel like this guy is digging me.

ItsCasey

Yeah, afer 6 or 7 weeks, he either wants to see you or he doesn't. "I wouldn't mind" is garbage. Even if he was just having a bad day and was in a pissy mood, it's not like he blurted this out on the phone. It was a text message. He actually typed it out and hit send. There's more weight.

ItsCasey

If a guy essentially said to me "I wouldn't mind seeing you if you want to come to me," I'd let him spend the evening alone, and I'd go do whatever I wanted to do. And then the next time he wanted to see me, he'd have to call and ask me out.

I know I am old fashioned, but I have no tolerance for the hot/cold, maybe we're dating, maybe we're just hanging out crap. I'll back off, and if he wants to see me, he'll make it happen.

This is my point about a cavalier attitude regarding what a guy is supposed to do and what a lady expects...it is what I want with no regard to where he is and if a failure it is one and done.
He has things to consider too and they can be in the context of being a gentleman that does not read minds,not a wuss always.

If they had seen each other once or twice, you'd have a point. After 6 or 7 weeks, he is not just "feeling things out."

You teach people how to treat you. He's the one who has the cavalier attitude when he says things like "I wouldn't mind seeing you." If she went over there after that, he would take it as a sign that she's willing to put up with his half-assed attempts at being in a relationship with her, and he would just continue to put everything on her shoulders.

When a man wants to see you, he'll see you. Period.

oddyogi

Of course now that I quit responding after I said "ok" or something he's all like actively texting me, which he never does.

Carl01

If a guy essentially said to me "I wouldn't mind seeing you if you want to come to me," I'd let him spend the evening alone, and I'd go do whatever I wanted to do. And then the next time he wanted to see me, he'd have to call and ask me out.

I know I am old fashioned, but I have no tolerance for the hot/cold, maybe we're dating, maybe we're just hanging out crap. I'll back off, and if he wants to see me, he'll make it happen.

This is my point about a cavalier attitude regarding what a guy is supposed to do and what a lady expects...it is what I want with no regard to where he is and if a failure it is one and done.
He has things to consider too and they can be in the context of being a gentleman that does not read minds,not a wuss always.

If they had seen each other once or twice, you'd have a point. After 6 or 7 weeks, he is not just "feeling things out."

You teach people how to treat you. He's the one who has the cavalier attitude when he says things like "I wouldn't mind seeing you." If she went over there after that, he would take it as a sign that she's willing to put up with his half-assed attempts at being in a relationship with her, and he would just continue to put everything on her shoulders.

When a man wants to see you, he'll see you. Period.

The 6-7 week thing was posted as I was writing...no offense intended to buffy but details like that need to be posted upfront and not leaked out as it changes the entire context of the discussion. :grumble:

oddyogi

The 6-7 week thing was posted as I was writing...no offense intended to buffy but details like that need to be posted upfront and not leaked out as it changes the entire context of the discussion. :grumble:

Lol, sorry Carl! Okay so now that you know the 6-7 weeks thing, what is your take?

Carl01

The 6-7 week thing was posted as I was writing...no offense intended to buffy but details like that need to be posted upfront and not leaked out as it changes the entire context of the discussion. :grumble:

Lol, sorry Carl! Okay so now that you know the 6-7 weeks thing, what is your take?

After 2 months unless you have been sending him horribly mixed signals (does not sound that is the case) he should have some idea where he wants things to go so even accepting a certain level of shyness ambiguity at this point is a bad sign.

will010574

Cupcake you have been seeing SL's way too long for him to be this wispy washy....however in his defense you have not only been seeing him and I am sure he has picked up on that and doesn't want to seem like he is all into it when you may not be. All that said, he needs to step it up and declare whats his is his and act like it!

Jq, I am seriously digging the new profile pic, you look great!

Carl01

Jq, I am seriously digging the new profile pic, you look great!

Yeah this too!

meshashesha2012

what do you want? are the two of you just seeing each other or has there been no common agreement on what's going on and what you both want from the other?

if after 2 months and sleeping over and hanky panky and what not and you havent had any conversations about the relationship then that's where your confusion is coming from. IME many guys are OK with that type of vagueness in their relationship, so dont take it for granted that you and he are on the same page about the relationship just because you've been hanging out for 2 months and are assuming things.

your emotional health and mental well being are YOUR responsibility, know what i mean? if it's important for you to know what's going on then dont leave it up to him to mind read, just ask him what you need to know

ItsCasey

All that said, he needs to step it up and declare whats his is his and act like it!

This is what I'm saying. When a hot chick wants to be with you, and you won't man up and say "This one is mine," well, you deserve to lose her to someone else.

And thanks for the compliment, guys.

mrmanmeat

Jq, I am seriously digging the new profile pic, you look great!

Yeah this too!

Third!

AnnaPixie

Me: Sooo, idea: I have lotsa food over here since I just went grocery shopping, so wouldja wanna come over here with your doggies instead of me going there?
SL: Hmmm, let me think for a minute
Me: Okiedokey
SL: I just got back from a dog walk. I think I might just hang in tonight, you don't have to come over if you have food to cook
Me: Oh, ok. Well I guess I thought you wanted to see me, lol
SL: I wouldn't mind, but I'm tuckered out from driving lol
SL: And I don't want your food to go bad. Food vs me, take the food haha
Me: I'd take you any day over food... It's just food
SL: Lol, true

"I wouldn't mind".. really? Not only that, but any time I say something to the degree of, "I've missed you" or say something sweet and/or affectionate like that, he'll just say something like "aww" or make a joke out of it instead of reciprocating it. I don't get it.

Is he that scared of getting hurt?

Now I'm really frustrated. I don't want to come over just because he doesn't mind. I want him to WANT me to come over. So I guess I'm camping out in my ****ing house by myself now.

I know how you feel. I know you want him to reassure you that you're the priority in his life. And I certainly would be feeling the same way as you. However, trying to see it from his point of view, all he is saying here is: "I'm being a lazy *kitten*. I really much prefer to be in my own place with you. But, I know I'm being selfish if I make you come here instead. So, I'll pretend I'm really worried about your food, and put the ball in your court, cos if YOU make the decision and come here then I dont have to feel guilty about it"

:laugh:

Don't worry about it. He's just being a lazy *kitten* bloke! :flowerforyou: And after a couple of months people become a bit more complacent and at ease with each other, and dont make as much effort. This is natural behaviour in the throws of a relationship.

And to be fair, I much prefer being in my own place too!!

This is not to say that you should make all the effort and he should be complacent all the time!! If he's always going to take the back seat, then I would back off. But if this is a one off, then people can be off form from time to time. It doesnt mean he doesnt like you, it just means he need to chill in his own place for a night.

As for the unreciprocated emotion, you may well be with a guy that doesnt express very well. Only you can gauge if he's doing to be compatible with you in this respect. You're just getting to know each other, and really the first 3 months are a case of figuring out if you can fit or not. Nothing and no-one is ever perfect, so you just decide what you can or cannot compromise on.

Sounds like most of the time you both have good fun, so............ :bigsmile:

flimflamfloz

Me: Sooo, idea: I have lotsa food over here since I just went grocery shopping, so wouldja wanna come over here with your doggies instead of me going there?
SL: Hmmm, let me think for a minute
Me: Okiedokey
SL: I just got back from a dog walk. I think I might just hang in tonight, you don't have to come over if you have food to cook
Me: Oh, ok. Well I guess I thought you wanted to see me, lol
SL: I wouldn't mind, but I'm tuckered out from driving lol
SL: And I don't want your food to go bad. Food vs me, take the food haha
Me: I'd take you any day over food... It's just food
SL: Lol, true

"I wouldn't mind".. really?

When someone say "I wouldn't mind", this is really bad. Like really really really bad. It means he is planning on cutting you in small cubes and putting you in his freezer. Better end the relationship. True story.
Sorry. Are we being serious? Are you reproaching the guy to tell you "I wouldn't mind"?

When I type a text in 30s, let's be honest I don't ponder each and every word. I admittedly could type things in a text which are not optimal and could be ambiguous (like this "I wouldn't mind"), but if the girl gets upset about it then tough luck!

Not only that, but any time I say something to the degree of, "I've missed you" or say something sweet and/or affectionate like that, he'll just say something like "aww" or make a joke out of it instead of reciprocating it. I don't get it.

Some people (especially men) just don't work the way you do. I know I rarely reciprocate. That's just not how I've been raised. Yep. I'm a the sum of my past experiences.

Reciprocation:
If that's a deal breaker, then break up.
If you're wondering why, then ask him.
If you can get over it, then get over it but don't expect him to change much.

I know how you feel. I know you want him to reassure you that you're the priority in his life. And I certainly would be feeling the same way as you. However, trying to see it from his point of view, all he is saying here is: "I'm being a lazy *kitten*. I really much prefer to be in my own place with you. But, I know I'm being selfish if I make you come here instead. So, I'll pretend I'm really worried about your food, and put the ball in your court, cos if YOU make the decision and come here then I dont have to feel guilty about it"

Wow. Girls, I'm scared... It's like you're reading our minds. NOT. :laugh:
Stop putting bad intentions in the mind of the guy. He just doesn't want to see her tonight. Thanks for the offer you made Cupcake, but the offer has been declined.
Is it a big deal? Cupcake, are you that clingy already that you absolutely need to see him when you decide?

For all I know he might have diarrhea, a white spot on his ****, be tired, not be motivated to see you (Yeah yeah, I see the post coming "how dares he!"), maybe he just wants to play Diablo 3... Or god knows what.

Now that you've seen each other for a while, it's not like you're going to disappear suddenly anyway.
Give the guy a break for now.

This is not to say that you should make all the effort and he should be complacent all the time!! If he's always going to take the back seat, then I would back off. But if this is a one off, then people can be off form from time to time. It doesnt mean he doesnt like you, it just means he need to chill in his own place for a night.

As for the unreciprocated emotion, you may well be with a guy that doesnt express very well. Only you can gauge if he's doing to be compatible with you in this respect. You're just getting to know each other, and really the first 3 months are a case of figuring out if you can fit or not. Nothing and no-one is ever perfect, so you just decide what you can or cannot compromise on.

Sounds like most of the time you both have good fun, so............ :bigsmile:

That's more like it. Thanks. :flowerforyou:

Natx83

Me: Sooo, idea: I have lotsa food over here since I just went grocery shopping, so wouldja wanna come over here with your doggies instead of me going there?
SL: Hmmm, let me think for a minute
Me: Okiedokey
SL: I just got back from a dog walk. I think I might just hang in tonight, you don't have to come over if you have food to cook
Me: Oh, ok. Well I guess I thought you wanted to see me, lol
SL: I wouldn't mind, but I'm tuckered out from driving lol
SL: And I don't want your food to go bad. Food vs me, take the food haha
Me: I'd take you any day over food... It's just food
SL: Lol, true

"I wouldn't mind".. really?

When someone say "I wouldn't mind", this is really bad. Like really really really bad. It means he is planning on cutting you in small cubes and putting you in his freezer. Better end the relationship. True story.
Sorry. Are we being serious? Are you reproaching the guy to tell you "I wouldn't mind"?

When I type a text in 30s, let's be honest I don't ponder each and every word. I admittedly could type things in a text which are not optimal and could be ambiguous (like this "I wouldn't mind"), but if the girl gets upset about it then tough luck!

Not only that, but any time I say something to the degree of, "I've missed you" or say something sweet and/or affectionate like that, he'll just say something like "aww" or make a joke out of it instead of reciprocating it. I don't get it.

Some people (especially men) just don't work the way you do. I know I rarely reciprocate. That's just not how I've been raised. Yep. I'm a the sum of my past experiences.

Reciprocation:
If that's a deal breaker, then break up.
If you're wondering why, then ask him.
If you can get over it, then get over it but don't expect him to change much.

I know how you feel. I know you want him to reassure you that you're the priority in his life. And I certainly would be feeling the same way as you. However, trying to see it from his point of view, all he is saying here is: "I'm being a lazy *kitten*. I really much prefer to be in my own place with you. But, I know I'm being selfish if I make you come here instead. So, I'll pretend I'm really worried about your food, and put the ball in your court, cos if YOU make the decision and come here then I dont have to feel guilty about it"

Wow. Girls, I'm scared... It's like you're reading our minds. NOT. :laugh:
Stop putting bad intentions in the mind of the guy. He just doesn't want to see her tonight. Thanks for the offer you made Cupcake, but the offer has been declined.
Is it a big deal? Cupcake, are you that clingy already that you absolutely need to see him when you decide?

For all I know he might have diarrhea, a white spot on his ****, be tired, not be motivated to see you (Yeah yeah, I see the post coming "how dares he!"), maybe he just wants to play Diablo 3... Or god knows what.

Now that you've seen each other for a while, it's not like you're going to disappear suddenly anyway.
Give the guy a break for now.

This is not to say that you should make all the effort and he should be complacent all the time!! If he's always going to take the back seat, then I would back off. But if this is a one off, then people can be off form from time to time. It doesnt mean he doesnt like you, it just means he need to chill in his own place for a night.

As for the unreciprocated emotion, you may well be with a guy that doesnt express very well. Only you can gauge if he's doing to be compatible with you in this respect. You're just getting to know each other, and really the first 3 months are a case of figuring out if you can fit or not. Nothing and no-one is ever perfect, so you just decide what you can or cannot compromise on.

Sounds like most of the time you both have good fun, so............ :bigsmile:

That's more like it. Thanks. :flowerforyou:

What he said.

oddyogi

Yay. After much thought, I've decided I'm okay with how slowly things are going. Just takin it a day at a time. Thanks for the advice, I'll try and let the over analyzing thoughts take the back seat.

Daisy_Cutter

maybe he just wants to play Diablo 3... Or god knows what.

LOL -- Sorry, this made me laugh and probably because I'm dealing with a little of this right now! HA!

Daisy_Cutter

Yay. After much thought, I've decided I'm okay with how slowly things are going. Just takin it a day at a time. Thanks for the advice, I'll try and let the over analyzing thoughts take the back seat.

That's probably the best thing to do. Guys don't think the way we do... obviously. Just have fun with him and enjoy it. No stress!

calvert6183

Quit chasing him. Its simple, people are either into someone or they are not. You would know if he truely was. Backups are for the insecure and are stupid and it sounds like he has one so forget him and find you a guy that you want. Also, dont listen to women saying the old fashion thing, thats such crap, times have changed, most women are not old fashion anymore so why do the men have to be? It should be about two people impressing each other and working to win each other over not just the guy. Anyways, dont waste your time because you seem like a catch and any guy would be lucky to have you.

La_Amazona

As long as you're being honest with yourself Cupcake. That's all that matters. If you are truly okay with how slow he's taking things, cool. But if you're just playing it cool because of him, then I agree with Calvert.

We're all different on this board. We all have different levels of tolerence on difference subjects. Just be true to yourself in any situation!

10acity

what do you want? are the two of you just seeing each other or has there been no common agreement on what's going on and what you both want from the other?

if after 2 months and sleeping over and hanky panky and what not and you havent had any conversations about the relationship then that's where your confusion is coming from. IME many guys are OK with that type of vagueness in their relationship, so dont take it for granted that you and he are on the same page about the relationship just because you've been hanging out for 2 months and are assuming things.

your emotional health and mental well being are YOUR responsibility, know what i mean? if it's important for you to know what's going on then dont leave it up to him to mind read, just ask him what you need to know

I agree with this reply the most. Why try to decode and infer? Why not just ask?

poncho33

If a guy essentially said to me "I wouldn't mind seeing you if you want to come to me," I'd let him spend the evening alone, and I'd go do whatever I wanted to do. And then the next time he wanted to see me, he'd have to call and ask me out.

I know I am old fashioned, but I have no tolerance for the hot/cold, maybe we're dating, maybe we're just hanging out crap. I'll back off, and if he wants to see me, he'll make it happen.

This is my point about a cavalier attitude regarding what a guy is supposed to do and what a lady expects...it is what I want with no regard to where he is and if a failure it is one and done.
He has things to consider too and they can be in the context of being a gentleman that does not read minds,not a wuss always.

Carl, I was going to respond to that and couldn't find the right words... scroll down a little bit and Carl already said it perfectly!!

The_Iron

I am chiming in late to this but if 'hanky panky' in your OP = sex, maybe he is trying to keep things on a non-commited sexual 'but more than FWB' level?

But IMO, since this is causing you frustration, I would make time to have a clearly defined discussion about the state of your relationship.

MyTime1985

Quit chasing him. Its simple, people are either into someone or they are not. You would know if he truely was. Backups are for the insecure and are stupid and it sounds like he has one so forget him and find you a guy that you want. Also, dont listen to women saying the old fashion thing, thats such crap, times have changed, most women are not old fashion anymore so why do the men have to be? It should be about two people impressing each other and working to win each other over not just the guy. Anyways, dont waste your time because you seem like a catch and any guy would be lucky to have you.

This