So I might be getting dumped.
Replies
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I wasn't aware he suffered from anxiety. This puts things in a difference spin. Obviously like you pointed out he has a lot going on, and when someone has anxiety that can make them feel like the rest of their life just isn't working out, lead to panic and sometimes terrible decisions all while trying to just get things back on track. The best thing to do is to let it figure itself out, quietly be supportive and positive. No amount of rationale or reassurance will make this stop before he figures it out on his own. Distraction is a much more effective technique.
On that note, not many people can tolerate someone that has anxiety disorder. Just the same as you might not want to date someone with chronic depression, bipolar disorder or any other number of problems, it doesn't make you a bad person if you can't/don't want to handle it. Look at your relationship now, this is a down and it's going to happen again. And again. And again. Sure there is some management through therapy or medication but that isn't a cure and there will be relapses.
I'm not saying every time he suffers anxiety he's going to question your relationship, I think this one is the current target because it's all still so new and there's all these other things coupled with it.
What you have to examine is if this is something you can, or want, to handle. Can you make it through this patch? Can you see yourself making through it again? Are the high points enough to make up for the low?
Of course, I am also basing this on the idea that he actually has anxiety and not just a bad month. I could have misread.
This is all new to me.
Bf told me early on he had anxiety. I'm okay with it but it's just new to me. I even said this the night of our convo, if I'm a "good thing" in his life.. why would he push it away when everything else is crap? I understand when I've freaked out on him, I stressed him... but overall, I've been awesome! That's my dilema. But the answer could simply be because he doesn't like me THAT much. And in his head, since he's not completely in love with me at this point, then it makes sense (to him).
If this blows over and we make it, cool. I'm invested just enough to try to understand him and support him through this rough patch. But it's not just up to me.0 -
Exactly, he needs to step up and be a man.0
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Bf told me early on he had anxiety. I'm okay with it but it's just new to me. I even said this the night of our convo, if I'm a "good thing" in his life.. why would he push it away when everything else is crap?
I have no idea how serious his anxiety issues are, but when someone has depression or anxiety it doesn't really matter what the good or bad parts of life are, they all get lumped together. Better to know what you are dealing with now because I was in a LTR that ended because my SO developed similar issues.0 -
I wasn't aware he suffered from anxiety. This puts things in a difference spin. Obviously like you pointed out he has a lot going on, and when someone has anxiety that can make them feel like the rest of their life just isn't working out, lead to panic and sometimes terrible decisions all while trying to just get things back on track. The best thing to do is to let it figure itself out, quietly be supportive and positive. No amount of rationale or reassurance will make this stop before he figures it out on his own. Distraction is a much more effective technique.
On that note, not many people can tolerate someone that has anxiety disorder. Just the same as you might not want to date someone with chronic depression, bipolar disorder or any other number of problems, it doesn't make you a bad person if you can't/don't want to handle it. Look at your relationship now, this is a down and it's going to happen again. And again. And again. Sure there is some management through therapy or medication but that isn't a cure and there will be relapses.
I'm not saying every time he suffers anxiety he's going to question your relationship, I think this one is the current target because it's all still so new and there's all these other things coupled with it.
What you have to examine is if this is something you can, or want, to handle. Can you make it through this patch? Can you see yourself making through it again? Are the high points enough to make up for the low?
Of course, I am also basing this on the idea that he actually has anxiety and not just a bad month. I could have misread.
This is all new to me.
Bf told me early on he had anxiety. I'm okay with it but it's just new to me. I even said this the night of our convo, if I'm a "good thing" in his life.. why would he push it away when everything else is crap? I understand when I've freaked out on him, I stressed him... but overall, I've been awesome! That's my dilema. But the answer could simply be because he doesn't like me THAT much. And in his head, since he's not completely in love with me at this point, then it makes sense (to him).
If this blows over and we make it, cool. I'm invested just enough to try to understand him and support him through this rough patch. But it's not just up to me.
Even though you are a good thing, it can get warped to someone suffering anxiety. Little associations can get blown entirely out of proportion.
I understand it's not just up to you, of course there's only so much you can do. However I was trying to highlight that things like this will happen, continuously, throughout your entire time together and that you should be prepared for it. It will be tough, it won't be logical, and the only thing to do is to wait for it to pass because at some point the world really does start making sense again. It's wonderful that you're willing to try and stick it out, people like us need people like you, but I didn't want you to feel like it was something you HAD to do, and it doesn't make you a bad person if you can't or don't want to bother.Exactly, he needs to step up and be a man.
This is so deeply offensive and ignorant. Having anxiety doesn't make someone less of a person. It's not something that you just see as "Wow, this is illogical and kind of silly". It's an inner battle against one's own mentality and comprehension of the world.
Chiggity-check yourself before you wreck yourself.0 -
This is so deeply offensive and ignorant. Having anxiety doesn't make someone less of a person. It's not something that you just see as "Wow, this is illogical and kind of silly". It's an inner battle against one's own mentality and comprehension of the world.
Chiggity-check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Even though I don't really like to call people out on this, I have to second your post and just say I completely agree.
Anxiety is very misunderstood, but it is not a problem of manning up. It is a serious mental health condition.0 -
It sounds to me like you are both progressing beyond that first blush of infatuation to a deeper and maybe eventually more mature and committed relationship.
We shall see. I don't think it's happening yet but if I start feeling like he's taking notes on my every move or what I say then I'm calling it quits. Maybe I'm jumping into assumptions. For now, I'm okay. I'm calm and taking it a day at a time. Yesterday we were talking like normal and making plans for the future such as wanting to go watch a NASCAR race in November or going to his dads (whom I haven't met yet) to shoot.
I kind of wanted to tell him to go hide in his cave and then call me when he wants to come out! I'm just not sure if that's a smart thing to do. I just don't want to be another reason for stress (he suffers from anxiety) and honestly when I look back, I have been at times. At the same time, I'm not going to sit here and blame myself. All I can do is work on today by being present and being wise. In the end, if that's not enough, I'm just not the one for him and vice versa.
Oh I've had this relationship before.... A. Don't tell him to hide in his cave, because he will. B. I think it is good you are pulling back a bit and giving him some space. I think he is probably pretty stuck in his ways and that can be hard to break, when was his last relationship?? He seems like a good guy, just stressing pretty hard and not sure how to fully implement you into his life. I think you two can make it work.... hang in there and don't bail on him yet.0 -
His last relationship ended last November. They dated almost a year, even lived together for several months before it ended.
Yes, he's set in his ways but he does compromise on things that have to do with us. It's what I like about him.. he's sure of himself.0 -
His last relationship ended last November. They dated almost a year, even lived together for several months before it ended.
Yes, he's set in his ways but he does compromise on things that have to do with us. It's what I like about him.. he's sure of himself.
Adding you into his life and the stress of the $$$ is probably causing this... I'd say be there for him and keep things fun!0 -
It's what I like about him.. he's sure of himself.
Just an observation that you have said very contradictory things here. You said he is sure of himself but he also has anxiety issues. He may SEEM sure of himself on the outside, but if he's told you about the anxiety then he's really not sure on the inside.
No judgement, but I don't think you really know who he is yet and that's why you're so confused. Perhaps you need someone who is more of an 'open book'?0 -
By saying he's set in his ways...
He's very much into a routine.
He's predictable and consistent.
He has his interests and will include me in them. If I don't want to participate (i.e. NASCAR, disc golf), then he'll keep doing what he's doing and give me space or time to myself. He's not the type to say "whatever you want dear". I mean, he does sometimes.. but you know what I mean.
But with all these issues on him at one time, you're right. I don't know what goes on in his mind because he doesn't talk. He was pretty much ready to throw in the towel on us and I had NO clue. It's not like he talked to me about these issues before and I had been warned there was a problem with US... sure I knew he was stressed but didn't know how much stress affected him until now. He's just not himself.0 -
His last relationship ended last November. They dated almost a year, even lived together for several months before it ended.
Yes, he's set in his ways but he does compromise on things that have to do with us. It's what I like about him.. he's sure of himself.
Sure of himself in what regard?0 -
Exactly, he needs to step up and be a man.
This is so deeply offensive and ignorant. Having anxiety doesn't make someone less of a person. It's not something that you just see as "Wow, this is illogical and kind of silly". It's an inner battle against one's own mentality and comprehension of the world.
Chiggity-check yourself before you wreck yourself.
To be fair, I think he was referring to her statement that it's not just up to her to fix whatever is going on. Having an anxiety disorder does not absolve him of responsibility for the direction of their relationship.0 -
It's what I like about him.. he's sure of himself.
Just an observation that you have said very contradictory things here. You said he is sure of himself but he also has anxiety issues. He may SEEM sure of himself on the outside, but if he's told you about the anxiety then he's really not sure on the inside.
No judgement, but I don't think you really know who he is yet and that's why you're so confused. Perhaps you need someone who is more of an 'open book'?
I have general anxiety and I'm a c*cky prick, lol... It can hit in many different ways, for me it's huge changes and I have to get away and think.0 -
Just thought I'd throw my perspective into this since I dated someone who is bipolar (on meds and all) for three years. While anxiety is different, it is still dealing with someone's mental health and that is a serious thing.
Anyway, I can completely relate to how you are feeling about being pushed away even though you've done nothing wrong. The same would happen to me. My ex would have days/weeks where he wanted to hole up in his apartment and not be social with anyone. Me being the type to analyze everything thought it had to do with me because I didn't fully understand what he goes through when he has the low parts of his mental health cycle. It didn't have anything to do with me, it was his brain "mis-firing" so to speak.
I think anyone who dates someone dealing with a mental health issue, whether it is anxiety, bipolar, depression or others needs to be strong. Everything in the world gets lumped together, good and bad, and they need to sort through things. If one thing is challenging, then everything becomes challenging even if there is nothing wrong with the majority of what is going on in their lives. My ex was dealing with being unemployed, applying for hundreds of jobs, hardly even getting interviews, losing unemployment benefits and having to dip into retirement savings to survive. A lot there to trigger the depressive part of being bipolar. I thought I was helping by being a positive aspect. In his reality though, everything was going wrong and he just needed some time to regroup.
That may be what's going on here. Let him know you are there but give him space. It may just be one of those things where because other things in his life aren't going as planned, that must mean this must go bad too. Once the dust has settled, I'm sure things will be fine.
I did the walking on eggshells thing too - didn't take long before we would be back to our normal routine. I think it's natural to "test the waters" to see if things are okay. You've thought about how much good there is between the two of you compared to bad and so has he. If the bad truly outweighed the good, it wouldn't be a conversation about how he's never been treated the way he has, it would have been a conversation ending the relationship.0 -
sure I knew he was stressed but didn't know how much stress affected him until now. He's just not himself.
This is my point exactly. He most likely IS being himself. He's just not being the assured, fun person you saw at the beginning. We all try to be the best version of ourselves at first, but then life and reality sets in. This is just you starting to see his reality. If you still like him knowing this reality, then go for it! If not, this is a sign.0 -
Just thought I'd throw my perspective into this since I dated someone who is bipolar (on meds and all) for three years. While anxiety is different, it is still dealing with someone's mental health and that is a serious thing.
Anyway, I can completely relate to how you are feeling about being pushed away even though you've done nothing wrong. The same would happen to me. My ex would have days/weeks where he wanted to hole up in his apartment and not be social with anyone. Me being the type to analyze everything thought it had to do with me because I didn't fully understand what he goes through when he has the low parts of his mental health cycle. It didn't have anything to do with me, it was his brain "mis-firing" so to speak.
I think anyone who dates someone dealing with a mental health issue, whether it is anxiety, bipolar, depression or others needs to be strong. Everything in the world gets lumped together, good and bad, and they need to sort through things. If one thing is challenging, then everything becomes challenging even if there is nothing wrong with the majority of what is going on in their lives. My ex was dealing with being unemployed, applying for hundreds of jobs, hardly even getting interviews, losing unemployment benefits and having to dip into retirement savings to survive. A lot there to trigger the depressive part of being bipolar. I thought I was helping by being a positive aspect. In his reality though, everything was going wrong and he just needed some time to regroup.
That may be what's going on here. Let him know you are there but give him space. It may just be one of those things where because other things in his life aren't going as planned, that must mean this must go bad too. Once the dust has settled, I'm sure things will be fine.
I did the walking on eggshells thing too - didn't take long before we would be back to our normal routine. I think it's natural to "test the waters" to see if things are okay. You've thought about how much good there is between the two of you compared to bad and so has he. If the bad truly outweighed the good, it wouldn't be a conversation about how he's never been treated the way he has, it would have been a conversation ending the relationship.
Well put!!0 -
Just thought I'd throw my perspective into this since I dated someone who is bipolar (on meds and all) for three years. While anxiety is different, it is still dealing with someone's mental health and that is a serious thing.
Anyway, I can completely relate to how you are feeling about being pushed away even though you've done nothing wrong. The same would happen to me. My ex would have days/weeks where he wanted to hole up in his apartment and not be social with anyone. Me being the type to analyze everything thought it had to do with me because I didn't fully understand what he goes through when he has the low parts of his mental health cycle. It didn't have anything to do with me, it was his brain "mis-firing" so to speak.
I think anyone who dates someone dealing with a mental health issue, whether it is anxiety, bipolar, depression or others needs to be strong. Everything in the world gets lumped together, good and bad, and they need to sort through things. If one thing is challenging, then everything becomes challenging even if there is nothing wrong with the majority of what is going on in their lives. My ex was dealing with being unemployed, applying for hundreds of jobs, hardly even getting interviews, losing unemployment benefits and having to dip into retirement savings to survive. A lot there to trigger the depressive part of being bipolar. I thought I was helping by being a positive aspect. In his reality though, everything was going wrong and he just needed some time to regroup.
That may be what's going on here. Let him know you are there but give him space. It may just be one of those things where because other things in his life aren't going as planned, that must mean this must go bad too. Once the dust has settled, I'm sure things will be fine.
I did the walking on eggshells thing too - didn't take long before we would be back to our normal routine. I think it's natural to "test the waters" to see if things are okay. You've thought about how much good there is between the two of you compared to bad and so has he. If the bad truly outweighed the good, it wouldn't be a conversation about how he's never been treated the way he has, it would have been a conversation ending the relationship.
Thank you for saying this so clearly.0 -
I did the walking on eggshells thing too - didn't take long before we would be back to our normal routine. I think it's natural to "test the waters" to see if things are okay. You've thought about how much good there is between the two of you compared to bad and so has he. If the bad truly outweighed the good, it wouldn't be a conversation about how he's never been treated the way he has, it would have been a conversation ending the relationship.
I think he was trying to end the relationship with me that night. I really do. But I did what he did to me when I had a freakout, I listened and reassured him and told him we'd be fine. I told him I'd give him space and I apologized if I added on to the pile of crap he was going through. He looked at me with these eyes and told me that yeah, I did at times and he felt that he couldn't give me what I needed or wanted right now but he felt so confused. Then he said he just wanted to go hide in a hole for 6 months and that's when I mentioned if he broke up with me that night, I wouldn't return because I was laying everything out on the table and I was prepared to be by him and work through it. He then asked me "ever?". Did he honestly think he could break up with me, hide away for a month then get back with me?? No.0 -
I did the walking on eggshells thing too - didn't take long before we would be back to our normal routine. I think it's natural to "test the waters" to see if things are okay. You've thought about how much good there is between the two of you compared to bad and so has he. If the bad truly outweighed the good, it wouldn't be a conversation about how he's never been treated the way he has, it would have been a conversation ending the relationship.
I think he was trying to end the relationship with me that night. I really do. But I did what he did to me when I had a freakout, I listened and reassured him and told him we'd be fine. I told him I'd give him space and I apologized if I added on to the pile of crap he was going through. He looked at me with these eyes and told me that yeah, I did at times and he felt that he couldn't give me what I needed or wanted right now but he felt so confused. Then he said he just wanted to go hide in a hole for 6 months and that's when I mentioned if he broke up with me that night, I wouldn't return because I was laying everything out on the table and I was prepared to be by him and work through it. He then asked me "ever?". Did he honestly think he could break up with me, hide away for a month then get back with me?? No.
People get back together all the time!! Anyway I think it was really smart of you to lay it all on the table... nothing more you could have done and it is going to make him fully think through any ideas he has.
I must also add that in the few months I've been in MFP single peeps, this might be the first situation that nobody has told you to bail... and this group says bail pretty easily.0 -
I did the walking on eggshells thing too - didn't take long before we would be back to our normal routine. I think it's natural to "test the waters" to see if things are okay. You've thought about how much good there is between the two of you compared to bad and so has he. If the bad truly outweighed the good, it wouldn't be a conversation about how he's never been treated the way he has, it would have been a conversation ending the relationship.
I think he was trying to end the relationship with me that night. I really do. But I did what he did to me when I had a freakout, I listened and reassured him and told him we'd be fine. I told him I'd give him space and I apologized if I added on to the pile of crap he was going through. He looked at me with these eyes and told me that yeah, I did at times and he felt that he couldn't give me what I needed or wanted right now but he felt so confused. Then he said he just wanted to go hide in a hole for 6 months and that's when I mentioned if he broke up with me that night, I wouldn't return because I was laying everything out on the table and I was prepared to be by him and work through it. He then asked me "ever?". Did he honestly think he could break up with me, hide away for a month then get back with me?? No.
People get back together all the time!! Anyway I think it was really smart of you to lay it all on the table... nothing more you could have done and it is going to make him fully think through any ideas he has.
I must also add that in the few months I've been in MFP single peeps, this might be the first situation that nobody has told you to bail... and this group says bail pretty easily.
This is true. This made me smile.
I really, really like him. I could fall in love with him.. I thought we were headed that way.
I thought he was about to tell me he loved me really soon but instead this came out. 0 -
he felt that he couldn't give me what I needed or wanted right now but he felt so confused.
This is the part of what you said that makes me believe that he really doesn't want to break up. That statement shows that he wants to be there in all aspects for you but can't. It sounds as though he is confused only because he is questioning his own worth in the relationship. Which of course all goes back to how he's feeling about everything - you said the project at school didn't go as well as he wanted, he didn't get a job he wanted, right? Now he can't be the man to you that he thinks you deserve because he "failed" at other things in his life. He wants to be with you but doesn't feel like he should.0 -
Just thought I'd throw my perspective into this since I dated someone who is bipolar (on meds and all) for three years. While anxiety is different, it is still dealing with someone's mental health and that is a serious thing.
Anyway, I can completely relate to how you are feeling about being pushed away even though you've done nothing wrong. The same would happen to me. My ex would have days/weeks where he wanted to hole up in his apartment and not be social with anyone. Me being the type to analyze everything thought it had to do with me because I didn't fully understand what he goes through when he has the low parts of his mental health cycle. It didn't have anything to do with me, it was his brain "mis-firing" so to speak.
I think anyone who dates someone dealing with a mental health issue, whether it is anxiety, bipolar, depression or others needs to be strong. Everything in the world gets lumped together, good and bad, and they need to sort through things. If one thing is challenging, then everything becomes challenging even if there is nothing wrong with the majority of what is going on in their lives. My ex was dealing with being unemployed, applying for hundreds of jobs, hardly even getting interviews, losing unemployment benefits and having to dip into retirement savings to survive. A lot there to trigger the depressive part of being bipolar. I thought I was helping by being a positive aspect. In his reality though, everything was going wrong and he just needed some time to regroup.
That may be what's going on here. Let him know you are there but give him space. It may just be one of those things where because other things in his life aren't going as planned, that must mean this must go bad too. Once the dust has settled, I'm sure things will be fine.
I did the walking on eggshells thing too - didn't take long before we would be back to our normal routine. I think it's natural to "test the waters" to see if things are okay. You've thought about how much good there is between the two of you compared to bad and so has he. If the bad truly outweighed the good, it wouldn't be a conversation about how he's never been treated the way he has, it would have been a conversation ending the relationship.
Thank you for writing this. It brings comfort.0 -
he felt that he couldn't give me what I needed or wanted right now but he felt so confused.
This is the part of what you said that makes me believe that he really doesn't want to break up. That statement shows that he wants to be there in all aspects for you but can't. It sounds as though he is confused only because he is questioning his own worth in the relationship. Which of course all goes back to how he's feeling about everything - you said the project at school didn't go as well as he wanted, he didn't get a job he wanted, right? Now he can't be the man to you that he thinks you deserve because he "failed" at other things in his life. He wants to be with you but doesn't feel like he should.
It was this huge competition thing at school. Since he was the #1 in his class (grade), he should have won, so he says. He came in at 4th. He messed up at the beginning and didn't finish on time. He was completely disappointed in himself. He's about to graduate (his last class is Thursday) and he really wanted this for his resume not to mention to go to nationals and to win a big $$ prize.
The job.. interview got pushed up to today. He says the whole transition stresses him out even though he's completely unhappy at his present job.
I just feel I forced him to stay with me. I always told him I never wanted him to do anything for me he didn't want to do. But I feel the way I talked to him, I persuaded him to stay with me.. which I hate. I want him to want to be with me, not because I talked him into it.0 -
I just feel I forced him to stay with me. I always told him I never wanted him to do anything for me he didn't want to do. But I feel the way I talked to him, I persuaded him to stay with me.. which I hate. I want him to want to be with me, not because I talked him into it.
I can't think of a single thing a girl could say to talk me into staying with her when I didn't want to.0 -
I just feel I forced him to stay with me. I always told him I never wanted him to do anything for me he didn't want to do. But I feel the way I talked to him, I persuaded him to stay with me.. which I hate. I want him to want to be with me, not because I talked him into it.
I can't think of a single thing a girl could say to talk me into staying with her when I didn't want to.
I cried one freakin' tear (seriously, the whole time I was calm then 1 tear just came out) and I said "I don't want to break up.".
Then he said "Don't look at me with those eyes".
Then I just looked away.0 -
I just feel I forced him to stay with me. I always told him I never wanted him to do anything for me he didn't want to do. But I feel the way I talked to him, I persuaded him to stay with me.. which I hate. I want him to want to be with me, not because I talked him into it.
I can't think of a single thing a girl could say to talk me into staying with her when I didn't want to.
I cried one freakin' tear (seriously, the whole time I was calm then 1 tear just came out) and I said "I don't want to break up.".
Then he said "Don't look at me with those eyes".
Then I just looked away.
I can't think of a single thing a girl could say to talk me into staying with her when I didn't want to.
If I made the decision I didn't want to be with a girl, a few tears wouldn't change it. I am not so cruel as to stick around and let long term attachment grow on the girl's part just because she cried a little in the moment. Smiley doesn't seem like the type to string you along and cause greater long term hurt just to avoid a little hurt in the short term.0
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