Afraid of My Body
Marillian
Posts: 3,892 Member
I'm going to pour out some feelings here... feelings I've kept inside for so many years. I may ramble a bit, so here's your fair warning, if you're not interested, then please move onto next post).
I'm 54 years old, and I have never had a positive body image. I've been overweight since I hit puberty (around 13). I know what led me to use food for comfort and emotional reasons, but I'm not going there. I got fat. At my highest, I weighed almost 350 pounds. Right now, I'm just under 300 but not by much. The only thing I have on my side is that I'm tall, so the weight is fairly evenly distributed.
I am not a lazy person. I have a very successful professional career. I have a good social life and I'm always busy. I have a great marriage, and a wonderful home.
My body has always been an issue for me. In my early childhood through teen years, it survived constant physical abuse from a sibling. It survived a near-fatal car accident in my 20s, with numerous broken bones, internal injuries, where I had to relearn how to walk and function in my lower extremities, It attributed as a cause of an inability to have children. In my 30s, it survived several surgeries. In my 40s, it survived abuse from an now ex-husband, and in my 50s, the biggest challenge of all - surviving cancer.
Lugging around a big body is difficult. It exhausts me. I've yo-yo'd dieted for over 30 years. I've spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on weight loss programs and gyms. I join a gym with good intentions, but let's be real - even at the gym a fat person is scrutinized and made to feel awkward. I would quit after a few months.
Having a large body makes it difficult to fit into small seats like at the movies, theater or on an airplane. Asking for a seatbelt extender is one of the most humiliating things to have to go through.
I have fibromyalgia. For those of you that do not know what this is, it's chronic musculoskeletal pain. In other words, I am in pain every minute of every day. It's a side effect of the car accident, and it worsens every year as the osteoarthritis sets in. And this is where my subject line fits in. I am afraid of my body. I want to be fit. I want lean muscle mass and not fat. I want to do so many physical activities, like strength training, C25K, yoga, or other fun recreational things. However, when I try to push myself to do these things, I wind up in tears because the pain sears right through me, and I give up. In my mind, exercise = torture. I've been told that exercise will actually help ease the pain, but boy, that is hard for me to believe! Right now, I can barely walk around the block. I hate feeling this way.
Since having cancer, I've become somewhat of a germ-a-phobic. I have to be; chemo and radiation causes a compromised immune system. I've visited the local gyms hoping to find one where the rules of cleaning machines after use is enforced. I haven't found one, and it skeeves me out. I see people sweating all over them and then get up and go onto the next one without cleaning up after themselves. I don't want to spend all that time cleaning after other people, so in reality, I don't think I can ever join a gym again.
But, I want to conquer this fear, and I want to see just what my body is physically capable of doing, because I really have no idea. I may even surprise myself that I can do more than I think. I want to know, even at this age, what it is like to have a positive body image. I just don't know where to even begin.
I'm 54 years old, and I have never had a positive body image. I've been overweight since I hit puberty (around 13). I know what led me to use food for comfort and emotional reasons, but I'm not going there. I got fat. At my highest, I weighed almost 350 pounds. Right now, I'm just under 300 but not by much. The only thing I have on my side is that I'm tall, so the weight is fairly evenly distributed.
I am not a lazy person. I have a very successful professional career. I have a good social life and I'm always busy. I have a great marriage, and a wonderful home.
My body has always been an issue for me. In my early childhood through teen years, it survived constant physical abuse from a sibling. It survived a near-fatal car accident in my 20s, with numerous broken bones, internal injuries, where I had to relearn how to walk and function in my lower extremities, It attributed as a cause of an inability to have children. In my 30s, it survived several surgeries. In my 40s, it survived abuse from an now ex-husband, and in my 50s, the biggest challenge of all - surviving cancer.
Lugging around a big body is difficult. It exhausts me. I've yo-yo'd dieted for over 30 years. I've spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on weight loss programs and gyms. I join a gym with good intentions, but let's be real - even at the gym a fat person is scrutinized and made to feel awkward. I would quit after a few months.
Having a large body makes it difficult to fit into small seats like at the movies, theater or on an airplane. Asking for a seatbelt extender is one of the most humiliating things to have to go through.
I have fibromyalgia. For those of you that do not know what this is, it's chronic musculoskeletal pain. In other words, I am in pain every minute of every day. It's a side effect of the car accident, and it worsens every year as the osteoarthritis sets in. And this is where my subject line fits in. I am afraid of my body. I want to be fit. I want lean muscle mass and not fat. I want to do so many physical activities, like strength training, C25K, yoga, or other fun recreational things. However, when I try to push myself to do these things, I wind up in tears because the pain sears right through me, and I give up. In my mind, exercise = torture. I've been told that exercise will actually help ease the pain, but boy, that is hard for me to believe! Right now, I can barely walk around the block. I hate feeling this way.
Since having cancer, I've become somewhat of a germ-a-phobic. I have to be; chemo and radiation causes a compromised immune system. I've visited the local gyms hoping to find one where the rules of cleaning machines after use is enforced. I haven't found one, and it skeeves me out. I see people sweating all over them and then get up and go onto the next one without cleaning up after themselves. I don't want to spend all that time cleaning after other people, so in reality, I don't think I can ever join a gym again.
But, I want to conquer this fear, and I want to see just what my body is physically capable of doing, because I really have no idea. I may even surprise myself that I can do more than I think. I want to know, even at this age, what it is like to have a positive body image. I just don't know where to even begin.
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Replies
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I aint gonna lie, that teared me up.
You sounds like a very strong woman so I have no doubt you can accomplish this journey if you set out on it.
As for where to begin?
1. Start in the kitchen. Figure out how much fuel your body needs in any given day. Work up healthy eating at the right amount of calories. Weigh loss starts here
2. Take baby steps. I know someone with fibromyalgia, and she wen through similar. For her it is true, exercising did ease the pain (she was 345lbs when she started and is now 178). She started taking short walks once a day. Then moved to 2 short walks a day, then 1 long walk, then longer, then harder...you get the point. Now she can run 5k without issue (it still hurts to a degree) but she uses that pain as motivation.
3. Lean on a group of like minded people for support. We all do it here. It helps tremendously in sustaining your life down this path.
For the first one, if you want me to run your numbers and give you a good place to start, calorie count wise. Let me know. From there you can work out on getting a healthy routine going. Then we can move onto the exercise!
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I aint gonna lie, that teared me up.
You sounds like a very strong woman so I have no doubt you can accomplish this journey if you set out on it.
As for where to begin?
1. Start in the kitchen. Figure out how much fuel your body needs in any given day. Work up healthy eating at the right amount of calories. Weigh loss starts here
2. Take baby steps. I know someone with fibromyalgia, and she wen through similar. For her it is true, exercising did ease the pain (she was 345lbs when she started and is now 178). She started taking short walks once a day. Then moved to 2 short walks a day, then 1 long walk, then longer, then harder...you get the point. Now she can run 5k without issue (it still hurts to a degree) but she uses that pain as motivation.
3. Lean on a group of like minded people for support. We all do it here. It helps tremendously in sustaining your life down this path.
For the first one, if you want me to run your numbers and give you a good place to start, calorie count wise. Let me know. From there you can work out on getting a healthy routine going. Then we can move onto the exercise!
Agreed! :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:0 -
Thanks Mike! Your words really inspired me.
I should have mentioned that I eat very healthy. Thanks to this group, I am conquering eating VLC dieting. I've gained back some weight eating more, but lately I am holding steady.
At home, we only eat humanely raised, (free roaming in pastures) organic, 100% grass fed beef and pastured pork and chicken. I belong to an organic CSA farm so I get a lot of great vegetables and fruit in my share. I am also an organic gardener. I do a lot of home canning so even through the cold winter months here in the east coast, I have nutritious food. I try not to eat a lot of processed foods. Not a fan of canned or boxed stuff.
As for my numbers, I'm 54, female, andI weigh 298 and am 70 inches tall. I am sedentary (desk job little activity). The numbers I get are:
BMR = 2303
TDEE = 2754
TDEE with 15% cut = 2349.
My doctor, (who is the Chief of gastro and digestive health at our hospital), agrees that VLC dieting is not healthy. He recommended that I eat between 1800 and 2000 calories per day. I set my daily goal to 1900. My values are set at 40% protein, 35% carbs and 25% fat. I have hypothyroidism under control with medication. However, I had bloodwork done a couple weeks ago and my glucose is very high. I'm one point away from diabetic. My PCP said I should lower my carbs. (I find this funny since she's about 80 pounds overweight). I would very much appreciate it if you ran my numbers to see if I have them correct, and any further suggestions/advice.
Thank you for your support!0 -
Hey Marillian,
So I ran your numbers and they are indeed wrong.
The numbers you have above are for a male the same age. I ran it for female and this is what I come up with:
BMR - 2022
TDEE - 2426
TDEE -15% cut target 2062
Also for macro's most of us use 40% carbs, 30% protien, 30%fat...however with the diabetes involved I would listen to your doctor and/or other pre or post diabetic people here as I dont like to tread into medical territory
So I think your doctor was spot on with a 2k diet
Mike0 -
Oh and if you have been eating at a higher number for a bit, but holding steady you basically were doing a TDEE reset which is great. So when you go down to the new cut number you should see results
Step 1 sounds like its gonna be good0 -
Oh and if you have been eating at a higher number for a bit, but holding steady you basically were doing a TDEE reset which is great. So when you go down to the new cut number you should see results
Step 1 sounds like its gonna be good
I've been eating 1900 for about a month. I upped it from 1850. It scares the he!! out of me that I've gained weight when I upped the calories andthat I am almost at the same weight from when I started MFP in January. (Prior to MFP, I was on Weight Watchers for 3 years with little success).
I'm not sure what to do now. Should I up the calories to 2000, or should I lower them?0 -
I would bump to 2k calories at least. And I would try and get some light walking in as well. Will do wonders!0
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