MFP and SIngles related: body image issues

2stepz

TLDR: Has anyone successfully conquered body image issues to pursue dating? Tips?

My sleep schedule is very strange and erratic right now. I don't like it, and I don't understand it... I'm seriously considering taking it to the doctor... but that's for another thread.

So, while I'm lying in bed at 3:30 in the morning, wide awake, I'm contemplating just WHY I don't have more confidence in the dating world. My mind keeps coming back to the recurring statement "I love who I am, I just don't believe anyone else could or would." A large piece of this comes down to not being happy with my body. Such a big part of dating is physical attraction, especially from a male perspective, that I don't see anyone getting past my size.

Yes, I AM getting healthier, but it's a long road, and I have a long way to go. I realistically have another 100 lbs to lose, and I lose very slowly. I don't have the support system in my day-to-day life to make it easier. I would like to find that in a relationship... but at the same time, I think it keeps me from pursuing a relationship. Every time I pursue and get shot down, it feeds the downward spiral of negative self-image. If I don't initiate conversations, I get absolutely nothing.

How do I fix it?

2stepz

Also - just for clarity - this isn't false body image issues. I don't live in a size 6 and think I'm a 20... I really am 270+lbs and a size 20.

Natx83

Hmmm not sure on how to change your self image as I have always been quite confident peronality whilst I was still self conscious of how I looked ipwith my shirt off.

I think this is just one of those things that honestly just takes time, as the weight comes off from all your hard work you will hopefully start to feel better about yourself and this will show through in the way you carry yourself in day to day life. It's not like you can't connect emotionally and you prob have more brains than half the mfp forums out together!

I've been asked by family members if I've gotten taller, not possible. I think I just hold my head up higher and strut around a little I guess lol.

You will def get there!

MyTime1985

I'm sorry you feel this way and I know exactly what you mean as I feel the same way. I'm a very confident person in all aspects of my life and very outspoken but when it comes to body image I'm hiding in a corner somewhere. I have lost a lot of weight once before and this changed. The negative thoughts slowly went away and I found confidence in my appearance. I know it will happen again if I keep losing. Like someone before me said, it will just take time. Have some faith in yourself and keep working towards your goals and it will happen. :flowerforyou:

lacroyx

I'm still a work in progress but I agree with Natx83. Ultimately I believe it just takes time. When I started at nearly 500#'s I was very self-conscious of myself. I only walked at work during the night and went to the gym when no one else was around. I got bad eyesight. I typically wear contacts all the time except when going to bed. I tried glasses once while working out. Face all sweaty, they kept slipping off so I stopped and stuck with contacts.

So one day I head into the gym in a rush to avoid people, I didn't wash my hands very well before popping in my contacts. I arrived and my eyes burned. I removed them and was very slow in my entire routine. Hard to see settings and all on the machines and weights. People began showing up and I couldn't see them. I laughed at myself. Ever since that day it just changed and I stopped caring if others saw me working out.

This over time translated to being more outgoing, active and not giving to flying balls of monkey poo what others thought. I've been going to a Zumba class for almost a year now. Not only do I enjoy it but it helps me in getting me out of my comfort zone and the shyness of being around the opposite sex. I know over time as I keep losing more and more weight it'll get better and lead to something more.

kerrymh

I can SOOO relate to this.
I was almost 400lbs and believe it or not it was easier to get a date then..because a man who asked me out knew what he saw was what he would get..not with all the wt loss..there is the skin. Yes the dreaded skin is my body image issue now.

I actually mildly conquered this dating someone who I wasn't all that into physically myself to start off..he kept asking me out but not making any physical advances. I thought he was just being a gentleman...lmao all along it was my worst fear coming through..this guy was turned off by my body (he had LOADS of other effed up issues as well..which speaks to why he kept asking me out)...anyway he said he wasn't all that into the physical side and was willing to wait on my plastic surgery...lmao well I'm not! I want to be loved for who I am not my body perfections/imperfections..so good bye to him.

The last person I was with laughed at me for being shy..said he didn't care and he didn't...then again in then end it didn't last either but at least he didn't make me feel like a freak.

I look normal in clothing..so its like I might be tricking the guy..its scary for me to be intimate because I'm scared they will be freaked out that I'm not so normal under clothing...so I want to wait until there are feelings involved. Not many men are willing to wait around for that these days..So I'm single. lol frustrated and single.

shammxo

Yes, I AM getting healthier, but it's a long road, and I have a long way to go. I realistically have another 100 lbs to lose, and I lose very slowly. I don't have the support system in my day-to-day life to make it easier. I would like to find that in a relationship... but at the same time, I think it keeps me from pursuing a relationship. Every time I pursue and get shot down, it feeds the downward spiral of negative self-image. If I don't initiate conversations, I get absolutely nothing.

How do I fix it?

Maybe you should wait until you've accomplished what you want to accomplish, and start to feel more empowered. It's a vicious cycle... We don't want to be alone, but sometimes that's how we have to be. Until you're right with yourself it'll be hard to let someone else see or have the best of you. I've ruined a lot of potential relationships because of how much I've hated myself in the past. I can't expect somebody to save me.. Just because a man finds me attractive doesn't mean that I'm all of a sudden going to completely love myself. Just like if a man finds me unattractive, it doesn't mean that I'm going to revert back to my previous state of mind and live in a world of self-loathing.

Like everybody else said, it takes time.. In the meantime, love yourself, or learn to love yourself.

RunningDirty

I don't have the support system in my day-to-day life to make it easier. I would like to find that in a relationship... but at the same time, I think it keeps me from pursuing a relationship.

How do I fix it?

I agree with the other posters, but this here I have to say is not the line of thinking to success. You have to not look to anyone else for support and instead start looking to yourself for it. You have to not hope for a relationship to happen that will be supportive to help you get to your goals because that may not happen. Health and physical fitness are personal and a commitment to yourself and you have to go into it thinking "I'm doing this for me."

How do you fix it? Start lifting heavy weights. You'll start losing body fat and feel the most results the quickest. For support join the female weight lifting groups on here (New Rules of Lifting for Women or StrongLifts 5x5) and take a look at the "eat more to weigh less" for diary help. Once you get into a good routine with weights you'll be sleeping like a baby.

flimflamfloz

My mind keeps coming back to the recurring statement "I love who I am, I just don't believe anyone else could or would." A large piece of this comes down to not being happy with my body.

Logically, if you (really) loved who you are (which I doubt), then you would accept the fact that some other people might be like you and can and will love you. Or you are just telling us that you are so unique and different that you'll never find anyone who thinks like you anyway and thus love you (which I don't believe for a minute).
Kudos to everyone who understands what I've just written here... :laugh: Nobody gives a **** about logic anyway. So...

Such a big part of dating is physical attraction, especially from a male perspective, that I don't see anyone getting past my size.
Yes, I AM getting healthier, but it's a long road, and I have a long way to go.

Yes, it is true that a big part of dating is physical attraction.

Physical attraction is not, however, purely based on waist size. Although it does help tremendously, I agree, nobody will get past your waist size indeed if this is all you have to offer to people (I know this isn't the case!).
But it seems you lack the confidence to show those others things that could interest some men by thinking nobody will go past the size anyway so why bother.

Anyway, you can look into things like fashion/make-up, accessories, sexyness (dress yourself up until you feel sexy), body language, understanding the male mind (working on your signals/asking men out), humour/theatre, chit-chat/how to respond properly in the first minutes, etc. while you wait for the weight to drop.
There are about 50 different ways you can improve the way you attract people and they all take a bit of time to learn.

The more things you have to offer that can generate initial attraction for men, the less your capacity to attract people will rely on your waist size and the more your confidence will build up.
Sure, we all are interesting people when people dig a bit and try to discover the real us, but first we need to get past that initial attraction stage for people to discover this beautiful "me".
So if you are confident in your "me", then just work on those initial things maybe.

How do I fix it?
TLDR: Has anyone successfully conquered body image issues to pursue dating? Tips?

As others have said, with time.
I'd keep trying to lose weight, of course, and use that waiting time to boost my other dating/attraction skills (a bit like reading a book in the train! :laugh: ).

AnnaPixie

Physical attraction is not, however, purely based on waist size. Although it does help tremendously, I agree, nobody will get past your waist size indeed if this is all you have to offer to people (I know this isn't the case!).
But it seems you lack the confidence to show those others things that could interest some men by thinking nobody will go past the size anyway so why bother.

Anyway, you can look into things like fashion/make-up, accessories, sexyness (dress yourself up until you feel sexy), body language, understanding the male mind (working on your signals/asking men out), humour/theatre, chit-chat/how to respond properly in the first minutes, etc. while you wait for the weight to drop.
There are about 50 different ways you can improve the way you attract people and they all take a bit of time to learn.

Yeah, I agree with this.

You can make yourself feel more attractive by being more attractive!! Turning the negative into a positive. Dress, make-up, attitude, personality all play a big part in attraction.

My sister has always been about your size, and she is one of the most beautiful people I know. She has THE most beautiful smile and always uses it. I dont know anyone that sees her fat! Least of all her boyfriend! Go look up some plus size models/bigger celebs (Beth Ditto?) and see how they exude confidence.......

You always strike me as a bit down on yourself OP. Your posts are usually loaded with self deprecation. That kind of thing needs to stop! Look in the mirror every day and say "I am beautiful, I love myself" And then walk down the road with a spring in your step, chest out, head up and smile on your face :bigsmile:

NCTravellingGirl

You always strike me as a bit down on yourself OP. Your posts are usually loaded with self deprecation. That kind of thing needs to stop! Look in the mirror every day and say "I am beautiful, I love myself" And then walk down the road with a spring in your step, chest out, head up and smile on your face :bigsmile:

^^This!! I had to start finding good things in others to let go of feeling bad about myself. I actually found myself looking for bad things in others to make myself feel better only all it did was left me finding bad in myself. I started by noticing good things about friends and strangers... silly I know, but then I actually found myself LIKING what I saw in the mirror! It was MY attitude that has been the problem, and I feel SO much better having worked on it (though it's still a battle)!)

I'd add that I feel what you're saying. Just being online a week to get back out there has been stressful and really made me focus on not getting upset or excited. I am currently a size 16 but have been up to a 26 in my past. I struggled with what to put in my profile on Body Type. My friends say Curvy, and they could be correct since I'm a DD with a bubble butt, haha... but I also think too many big girls use that word to avoid BBW so I'm hesitant to put that. So I chose Full-Figured which filters me out of most men's list. I'm OK with that, and I put up a full body shot of me kayaking and finishing a 5K so they can see me active but decide for themselves, but I am facing the reality that for now my options may be limited.

I agree about working on yourself. There is a lot you can do to prepare for the future. I suck at flirting and wish I'd done it more along the way to have the confidence now! Just have fun and do what you enjoy... plenty of time for dating still yet (says the 36 year old still single girl, haha...) Good Luck!

Roadie2000

Physical attraction is not, however, purely based on waist size. Although it does help tremendously, I agree, nobody will get past your waist size indeed if this is all you have to offer to people (I know this isn't the case!).
But it seems you lack the confidence to show those others things that could interest some men by thinking nobody will go past the size anyway so why bother.

Anyway, you can look into things like fashion/make-up, accessories, sexyness (dress yourself up until you feel sexy), body language, understanding the male mind (working on your signals/asking men out), humour/theatre, chit-chat/how to respond properly in the first minutes, etc. while you wait for the weight to drop.
There are about 50 different ways you can improve the way you attract people and they all take a bit of time to learn.

Yeah, I agree with this.

You can make yourself feel more attractive by being more attractive!! Turning the negative into a positive. Dress, make-up, attitude, personality all play a big part in attraction.

My sister has always been about your size, and she is one of the most beautiful people I know. She has THE most beautiful smile and always uses it. I dont know anyone that sees her fat! Least of all her boyfriend! Go look up some plus size models and see how they exude confidence.......

You always strike me as a bit down on yourself OP. Your posts are usually loaded with self deprecation. That kind of thing needs to stop! Look in the mirror every day and say "I am beautiful, I love myself" And then walk down the road with a spring in your step, chest out, head up and smile on your face :bigsmile:

Totally. I've dated some people I didn't necessarily find physically attractive at first. They all had a few things in common though; they were comfortable with who they were, confident, and generally happy. If you can't be comfortable with who you are or how you look then you can't expect other people to be comfortable with it either.

pa_jorg

"I love who I am, I just don't believe anyone else could or would." A large piece of this comes down to not being happy with my body.

I can totally relate to this because I felt this way until recently. But, just like weight loss, there is no magic pill for self-esteem. You have to put in the time and effort. I found that the more weight I lost, the more comfortable I felt in putting myself out there. This wasn't just dating, but also making new friends and trying new experiences. And for me, once I took baby steps in those areas, things started to cycle to where I'd feel better so I'd do more and take risks and then I'd do more because I felt better... It wasn't easy, but it is rewarding to feel better about yourself, so good luck!

disneywm76

OP, I can also relate to what you're feeling. Until just a couple of weeks ago, I would take compliments on my weight loss and just keep seeing the same fat girl in the mirror. What changed everything was a picture. Pretty crazy, right? I saw myself in a picture and for the first time in DECADES, I actually was not terrified or appalled at how I looked. I looked happy and healthy! I can now see myself as everybody else around me sees me. It has take over a year and a half and a fifty pound weight loss to achieve this.

I truly think it takes longer for the mind to let go of the negative than it does to lose the weight. The light has come on for me, and it will for you too at some point. I didn't hit a magic number on the scale or fit in a certain size. Just seeing myself in that picture did it for me. Give it time......it'll come.

Vodkha

I struggle with this! I don't love who I am, but I think I'd be a pretty good catch for someone one day. But, I've got to get myself in order before I will feel comfortable being with someone. Sure I dabble with a guy here or there, but I know (or at least hope) that the ones who aren't into me aren't into me because of my body type the way it is at the moment, and I totally get that if that is the reason. I can't expect someone to like the way I look, or if they like my personality, I don't believe they should over look my looks and "love me for who I am". That's ridiculous. People like what they like.

Steelheart7

Oh the human body. There are so many opinions out there. Not everyone will like the same thing. Thank God right? I think that we are harder on ourselves then anyone else would ever be. Girls are definitely harder on each other than men are on us. Again, thank God.

I feel like I am constantly talking about my exhusband, but .. lol .. I have never been what I would call skinny. I have never weighed this much ever either. I was about 180 pounds after all was said and done after I had my child and the weight settled. When I got pregnant I weighed 145 pounds .. ish. So .. there was a significant gain. I started weight watchers and lost 40 pounds .. and I was so proud of myself and felt AMAZING. People were telling me how great I looked, what did you do .. blah blah blah. I came home from my meeting with my little gold star and shared with my husband that I got my 40 pound star and he said .. I will never forget this .. Imagine how good you will look if you keep going. All the happiness and sense of pride I felt was gone in about 5 seconds and I felt fat again.

So .. I guess the moral of the story is, there will always be people who think you look great at a certain weight and people who don't. That is why THEIR opinion doesn't mean a darn thing. It is what you think, what you project and how you feel. If you feel good and sexy then .. someone else will too. If you don't feel that way, then you will project that. Embrace who you are .. you can't hide it .. so embrace it. If you don't like it, change it.

10acity

Your posts are usually loaded with self deprecation. That kind of thing needs to stop! Look in the mirror every day and say "I am beautiful, I love myself" And then walk down the road with a spring in your step, chest out, head up and smile on your face :bigsmile:

I know how silly this might sound. I'm cynical and sarcastic to my core, and this sort of thing used to be good for nothing but a laugh and an eyeroll in my book. And then I started to realize that however corny it might be to discuss "negative self-talk", I am talking to myself all the time, and the negative things I tell myself do mean something, and it's very real. The next time you look in the mirror, try telling yourself something like "what beautiful eyes!" instead of "hey fatty, still not looking any thinner!" You don't have to say it out loud. I swear to you it helps.

dbrightwell1270

I don't think you necessarily have to think any differently about yourself. I think that your choice of words matter though. I had a professor that would ask me how I am today. My standard response was "okay." To which he would say, "Just okay? It's such a wonderful day. Why are aren't you doing any better than okay?" He pretty much conditioned me to say "I am doing great." or "incredible" or "excellent", etc. To this day I still answer like that. You would be amazed how many conversations come out of "Excellent! How are you today." as an answer to "how are you?" People here "okay" and it kills any conversation. Who wants to follow up on being okay today?

There is a saying that when you laugh everyone else laughs with you but you cry alone. When you start telling people you're feeling great, you start to feel more energy and smile when you do it. Others feed off that energy too. After a while, You actually do feel great almost every day.

christine24t

I've lost about 50 pounds, and have gained a little back in the past few months, but I'll tell you this - I know I look a little better, and I look a little different, but I still have a lot of the same insecurities I did back then. I thought "oh, if I lose weight everything will be fine and it'll be much easier to find someone and I'll be more confident."

The truth?

I still have all the same issues.

I used to think a lot of my dating problems were because I was fat. I thought that if I lost weight, it would be fine. But besides getting asked out a couple of times and getting a little more attention, nothing has changed - I'm still the same me. I look better in photos, can wear a smaller size, but it hasn't translated to increasing my confidence.

It almost makes me depressed because I used to think my fat was pushing people away, when in truth, it's actually more me. I used to weigh about the same as my friends, now I'm thinner than most of them, and they're the ones getting all the male attention.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make this depressing and whatnot, but I'm just sharing the truth as I see it in my life. Curing body issues is a lot more than just losing weight. You might feel more confident in things like wearing a swimsuit or a tighter top (I do), but it won't help your overall confidence issues with your personality. I still feel just as self-conscious at the thought of being naked with a guy, or even just kissing someone, at 170 pounds than I did at 210 pounds.

meshashesha2012

definitely understand..

my suggestion is while you're getting to a place where you do feel my comfortable with your complete body is to focus on those parts of you that you do love, especially when you find yourself staringat yourself and focusing on what's wrong.

also congratulate yourself on the things that your body can do rather than what it looks like.

AnnaPixie

I don't think you necessarily have to think any differently about yourself. I think that your choice of words matter though. I had a professor that would ask me how I am today. My standard response was "okay." To which he would say, "Just okay? It's such a wonderful day. Why are aren't you doing any better than okay?" He pretty much conditioned me to say "I am doing great." or "incredible" or "excellent", etc. To this day I still answer like that. You would be amazed how many conversations come out of "Excellent! How are you today." as an answer to "how are you?" People here "okay" and it kills any conversation. Who wants to follow up on being okay today?

There is a saying that when you laugh everyone else laughs with you but you cry alone. When you start telling people you're feeling great, you start to feel more energy and smile when you do it. Others feed off that energy too. After a while, You actually do feel great almost every day.

I like this :bigsmile: TBH if someone asks me how I am and I say 'ok, thanks' or 'fine thanks' then I'm pretty pissed off!! :laugh:

I totally agree that a big smile and a positive response can start conversations...... :flowerforyou:

Lizlicious2187

I'm sure many people have felt the same way at some point. At 24 I am just now starting to accept my body how it is even though it may not be where I want it yet. I started losing weight in January and gave online dating a try (for the third or fourth time) and finally decided to go on a date with a guy. I get there and he sees me and since there was a long wait at the restaurant we decide to go somewhere else. The guy texted me that it just wasn't going to work out which I assume is purely based on my looks/body at the time because we never even got a chance to sit down and get to know each other! This made me super depressed...for about a day. Then I told myself that it was his loss and it's probably best that happened that way I avoided a *kitten*. This actually fueled my fire when it came to getting back in shape and healthy. Annnnyways, just because the weight comes off it doesn't mean insecurity won't still linger. But look at yourself in the mirror and start telling yourself all of the positives you see. Once I started becoming more positive I actually noticed a little more attention from guys. Just take it a day at a time and keep on truckin!

cbeutler

Ok MFP just ate my unfinished response.

There are men out there that find all types and shapes of women attractive. But one thing that most men find attractive regardless of body type is confidence. If a man tells a girl he finds her attractive and then she tells him he doesn't or couldn't that is a real turn off for many of us.

I never expected a girl I was dating to be confident 100% of the time but if she is looking to find me finding fault with her I will always be watching what I say or do. That's fine for the first couple of dates but it becomes very heavy lifting after a week or two.

So my advice is be confident, or at least act confident. I would be much happier dating a girl who loves herself as she is (even if she is trying to improve it) than some theoretical "10" who is self conscious about ever comment, story, or look.

Good luck to you, and for what its worth I think you are great just the way you are.

christine24t

I assume is purely based on my looks/body at the time because we never even got a chance to sit down and get to know each other!

I just wanna say that you are very pretty!!

JanieJack

Size, like age, are just numbers.

Size does play a role in attraction, but like everyone else said confidence is the more important thing. My favorite ex-boyfriend was very overweight and not in great shape. But he was one of the most self confident people you ever met. And he dressed to minimize his physical faults and accentuate his best features.

As a woman that several guys liked when they thought I was hispanic but lost interest when I told them I'm black, I know how daunting it is to try and find love when you feel like your physical attributes are pushing people away. I know it can be tough to think about dating when so many people are shallow, but if you do things to improve how you feel about yourself it will get better! Find things to celebrate about you, however small it might be at first.

{{{{2stepz}}}}

yoovie

No

I mean, over the last 4 months it has significantly gotten better. But it takes a lot of time spent DOING things I love, to feel like I love myself enough to forgive my physical imperfections... and it seems to be working at medium speed.

I hope it continues. Im really tired of getting choked up sometimes when I look in the mirror or when people tag me on facebook.

2stepz

I don't have the support system in my day-to-day life to make it easier. I would like to find that in a relationship... but at the same time, I think it keeps me from pursuing a relationship.

How do I fix it?

I agree with the other posters, but this here I have to say is not the line of thinking to success. You have to not look to anyone else for support and instead start looking to yourself for it. You have to not hope for a relationship to happen that will be supportive to help you get to your goals because that may not happen. Health and physical fitness are personal and a commitment to yourself and you have to go into it thinking "I'm doing this for me."

First - there is a huge difference between support and motivation. I'm not looking for motivation, I have plenty of that. I'm not looking for a relationship as reason to get healthy. Support is a totally different issue entirely.

How do you fix it? Start lifting heavy weights. You'll start losing body fat and feel the most results the quickest. For support join the female weight lifting groups on here (New Rules of Lifting for Women or StrongLifts 5x5) and take a look at the "eat more to weigh less" for diary help. Once you get into a good routine with weights you'll be sleeping like a baby.

I didn't ask how to fix my body, I asked how to fix the mental image issues. Your assumptions are outrageous, btw. I do lift. I also do cardio. My workouts have nothing to do with my sleep issues. (BTW, my sleep issues are schedule problems, not quantity problems. I get 7-9 hours, they're just between 3 am and noon...)

Also - I have NO problem talking to guys. I'm an engineer, that just comes with the territory. I spend more time surrounded by testosterone than any woman should. I do understand the way men think better than most; my mind tends to run along the same paths. I live in the zone balanced between practical logic and gutter-mindedness. I also logically know that I can appeal to guys in a way most women would never begin to compare to. That's a whole different problem, though. I tend to become "one of the guys" and my flirting is just shrugged off as humor, unless I do something majorly outrageous... and then you get the whole friend zone discussion... but that's another thread.

While I don't wear makeup (I consider it a waste of money, honestly, and I don't need it), I do fix my hair and dress up on a very regular basis. Me walking into a class campus in a blazer, skirt, and heels is not at all unusual. The security guards have even memorized the clip-clop of my heels and know it's me before they see me. Some of the under-grad classmates assumed I taught in another department. I'm 5'8 to begin with, in heels I'm closer to 6'. I can command a class room, walking the fine balance between humor and seriousness, confident that I look decent and know the material I'm lecturing on. Honestly, my bigger concern there is being too intimidating... but that's, again, a discussion previously held in another thread.

I don't think you necessarily have to think any differently about yourself. I think that your choice of words matter though. I had a professor that would ask me how I am today. My standard response was "okay." To which he would say, "Just okay? It's such a wonderful day. Why are aren't you doing any better than okay?" He pretty much conditioned me to say "I am doing great." or "incredible" or "excellent", etc. To this day I still answer like that. You would be amazed how many conversations come out of "Excellent! How are you today." as an answer to "how are you?" People here "okay" and it kills any conversation. Who wants to follow up on being okay today?

Short story here in response. When I was a teenager, I would refuse to tell my parents (or anybody for that matter) that I was "fine." Fine had a different meaning for teenagers of that era (beautiful, sexy, etc) which my parents didn't get... and I never felt I met that description. Being 20lbs overweight in HS resulted in torment by the other kids and the beginning of some very negative physical self-image problems which, obviously, I haven't conquered yet.

I want to stress... this is NOT the reason I'm losing weight, and honestly, I really don't think losing weight is the answer. I have had body image issues since I was a size 14 in HS, at 20 lbs overweight. As a result, I tend to treat my body as a vehicle, not as a part of my "self"... and that's not healthy. I'm working on fixing that... was just looking for some tips.

Also, for those of you who think I'm always down on myself... I've been through a lot of schitt in the last 6 months. I failed a thesis defense, lost a relationship, lost my job (within the same week, btw), my grandparents divorced, lost a pet, and I moved. I also achieved a 3.5 in my Spring classes; passed the entrance exam to PhD and was given a fellowship to stay on; I payed off my < 3 yr old vehicle, and re-established my independence by getting a place w/o roommates. My celebrations have had little to do with this group, so they don't get expanded upon here. Some of those stressors do, and have. When I have successes that impact my "single-tude" you'll hear about them. They're just few and far between.

will010574

I don't have the support system in my day-to-day life to make it easier. I would like to find that in a relationship... but at the same time, I think it keeps me from pursuing a relationship.

How do I fix it?

I agree with the other posters, but this here I have to say is not the line of thinking to success. You have to not look to anyone else for support and instead start looking to yourself for it. You have to not hope for a relationship to happen that will be supportive to help you get to your goals because that may not happen. Health and physical fitness are personal and a commitment to yourself and you have to go into it thinking "I'm doing this for me."

First - there is a huge difference between support and motivation. I'm not looking for motivation, I have plenty of that. I'm not looking for a relationship as reason to get healthy. Support is a totally different issue entirely.

How do you fix it? Start lifting heavy weights. You'll start losing body fat and feel the most results the quickest. For support join the female weight lifting groups on here (New Rules of Lifting for Women or StrongLifts 5x5) and take a look at the "eat more to weigh less" for diary help. Once you get into a good routine with weights you'll be sleeping like a baby.

I didn't ask how to fix my body, I asked how to fix the mental image issues. Your assumptions are outrageous, btw. I do lift. I also do cardio. My workouts have nothing to do with my sleep issues. (BTW, my sleep issues are schedule problems, not quantity problems. I get 7-9 hours, they're just between 3 am and noon...)

Also - I have NO problem talking to guys. I'm an engineer, that just comes with the territory. I spend more time surrounded by testosterone than any woman should. I do understand the way men think better than most; my mind tends to run along the same paths. I live in the zone balanced between practical logic and gutter-mindedness. I also logically know that I can appeal to guys in a way most women would never begin to compare to. That's a whole different problem, though. I tend to become "one of the guys" and my flirting is just shrugged off as humor, unless I do something majorly outrageous... and then you get the whole friend zone discussion... but that's another thread.

While I don't wear makeup (I consider it a waste of money, honestly, and I don't need it), I do fix my hair and dress up on a very regular basis. Me walking into a class campus in a blazer, skirt, and heels is not at all unusual. The security guards have even memorized the clip-clop of my heels and know it's me before they see me. Some of the under-grad classmates assumed I taught in another department. I'm 5'8 to begin with, in heels I'm closer to 6'. I can command a class room, walking the fine balance between humor and seriousness, confident that I look decent and know the material I'm lecturing on. Honestly, my bigger concern there is being too intimidating... but that's, again, a discussion previously held in another thread.

I don't think you necessarily have to think any differently about yourself. I think that your choice of words matter though. I had a professor that would ask me how I am today. My standard response was "okay." To which he would say, "Just okay? It's such a wonderful day. Why are aren't you doing any better than okay?" He pretty much conditioned me to say "I am doing great." or "incredible" or "excellent", etc. To this day I still answer like that. You would be amazed how many conversations come out of "Excellent! How are you today." as an answer to "how are you?" People here "okay" and it kills any conversation. Who wants to follow up on being okay today?

Short story here in response. When I was a teenager, I would refuse to tell my parents (or anybody for that matter) that I was "fine." Fine had a different meaning for teenagers of that era (beautiful, sexy, etc) which my parents didn't get... and I never felt I met that description. Being 20lbs overweight in HS resulted in torment by the other kids and the beginning of some very negative physical self-image problems which, obviously, I haven't conquered yet.

I want to stress... this is NOT the reason I'm losing weight, and honestly, I really don't think losing weight is the answer. I have had body image issues since I was a size 14 in HS, at 20 lbs overweight. As a result, I tend to treat my body as a vehicle, not as a part of my "self"... and that's not healthy. I'm working on fixing that... was just looking for some tips.

Also, for those of you who think I'm always down on myself... I've been through a lot of schitt in the last 6 months. I failed a thesis defense, lost a relationship, lost my job (within the same week, btw), my grandparents divorced, lost a pet, and I moved. I also achieved a 3.5 in my Spring classes; passed the entrance exam to PhD and was given a fellowship to stay on; I payed off my < 3 yr old vehicle, and re-established my independence by getting a place w/o roommates. My celebrations have had little to do with this group, so they don't get expanded upon here. Some of those stressors do, and have. When I have successes that impact my "single-tude" you'll hear about them. They're just few and far between.

Forgive me I don't know how to do the cool writing between quotes, but I need clarification between the difference between support and motivation? Or at the least if you have all this motivation why aren't you making it happen?


As for the weight lifting .... Great call by running dirty. We cannot tell you are lifting weights because you have zero exercise logged in your diary save a 45 minute walk. S to the peeps here who look to make constructive criticisms it looks like you don't do squat to help yourself. When we point out you don't do any exercise and your posts are often self deprecating or outright bashing yourself you then appear offended and lash out at us!?! I don't get it but it does kind of piss me off

2stepz

Forgive me I don't know how to do the cool writing between quotes, but I need clarification between the difference between support and motivation? Or at the least if you have all this motivation why aren't you making it happen?


As for the weight lifting .... Great call by running dirty. We cannot tell you are lifting weights because you have zero exercise logged in your diary save a 45 minute walk. S to the peeps here who look to make constructive criticisms it looks like you don't do squat to help yourself. When we point out you don't do any exercise and your posts are often self deprecating or outright bashing yourself you then appear offended and lash out at us!?! I don't get it but it does kind of piss me off

... would it ever have occurred to you that I don't like the way MFP logs exercise, so I track that elsewhere? Also, what makes you think I'm not making weight loss it happen? You don't know where I started this journey.

Motivation: providing with a reason, inducement, or incentive
Support: to sustain a person's mind, spirits, courage, etc. during trial and stresses

As for lashing out... insinuations that I'm a lazy fat *kitten* who needs to actually TRY to lose weight, yeah that rather hits a nerve, too. I may have been born white trash, but I've come a long way from there. If you were observant enough to note that I'm a bit self-depricating, you should have also observed that I'm working on a PhD in Engineering. If the answer was obvious or easy, I wouldn't be asking the question.

That said, none of this has been lashing out. I'm not angry... a bit disappointed maybe... but not angry.

will010574

Forgive me I don't know how to do the cool writing between quotes, but I need clarification between the difference between support and motivation? Or at the least if you have all this motivation why aren't you making it happen?


As for the weight lifting .... Great call by running dirty. We cannot tell you are lifting weights because you have zero exercise logged in your diary save a 45 minute walk. S to the peeps here who look to make constructive criticisms it looks like you don't do squat to help yourself. When we point out you don't do any exercise and your posts are often self deprecating or outright bashing yourself you then appear offended and lash out at us!?! I don't get it but it does kind of piss me off

... would it ever have occurred to you that I don't like the way MFP logs exercise, so I track that elsewhere? Also, what makes you think I'm not making weight loss it happen? You don't know where I started this journey.

Motivation: providing with a reason, inducement, or incentive
Support: to sustain a person's mind, spirits, courage, etc. during trial and stresses

As for lashing out... insinuations that I'm a lazy fat *kitten* who needs to actually TRY to lose weight, yeah that rather hits a nerve, too. I may have been born white trash, but I've come a long way from there. If you were observant enough to note that I'm a bit self-depricating, you should have also observed that I'm working on a PhD in Engineering. If the answer was obvious or easy, I wouldn't be asking the question.

That said, none of this has been lashing out. I'm not angry... a bit disappointed maybe... but not angry.

You joined over a year ago with what progress? I'm just hearing excuses...nobody is here holding my hand in support. I work at it, as I'm sure do others. You want to avoid disappointment, do the work and quit looking for others to motivate, support or otherwise be a crutch

2stepz

Forgive me I don't know how to do the cool writing between quotes, but I need clarification between the difference between support and motivation? Or at the least if you have all this motivation why aren't you making it happen?


As for the weight lifting .... Great call by running dirty. We cannot tell you are lifting weights because you have zero exercise logged in your diary save a 45 minute walk. S to the peeps here who look to make constructive criticisms it looks like you don't do squat to help yourself. When we point out you don't do any exercise and your posts are often self deprecating or outright bashing yourself you then appear offended and lash out at us!?! I don't get it but it does kind of piss me off

... would it ever have occurred to you that I don't like the way MFP logs exercise, so I track that elsewhere? Also, what makes you think I'm not making weight loss it happen? You don't know where I started this journey.

Motivation: providing with a reason, inducement, or incentive
Support: to sustain a person's mind, spirits, courage, etc. during trial and stresses

As for lashing out... insinuations that I'm a lazy fat *kitten* who needs to actually TRY to lose weight, yeah that rather hits a nerve, too. I may have been born white trash, but I've come a long way from there. If you were observant enough to note that I'm a bit self-depricating, you should have also observed that I'm working on a PhD in Engineering. If the answer was obvious or easy, I wouldn't be asking the question.

That said, none of this has been lashing out. I'm not angry... a bit disappointed maybe... but not angry.

You joined over a year ago with what progress? I'm just hearing excuses...nobody is here holding my hand in support. I work at it, as I'm sure do others. You want to avoid disappointment, do the work and quit looking for others to motivate, support or otherwise be a crutch

What progress?? Over 30 lbs of progress... but if you're looking at that ticker below, that's just this month.