MFP and SIngles related: body image issues

dbrightwell1270

I really think that your attitude needs to change. In the profile pic and the pictures you provided, you look miserable. Additionally, your choice of words in your responses are very defensive and extremely self-deprecating. You've referred to yourself and your upbringing as white trash for goodness sake. How can you feel good about yourself when you say you were white trash - which implicitly means your parents are white trash and possibly feel any self worth? Whether you consciously think it or not, you are looking down at the people who love you the most. My parent's first place was a trailer. It really did get destroyed by a tornado. That is the punchline to every white trash joke ever written. I would never in a million years call myself white trash. If you want support, tell the people around you what kind of support you need and give them a reason to want to support you. The easiest way to motivate others to provide support is to be pleasant and optimistic so that people feel that they can share in your joy if they are supportive. It is a lot easier to get people to do things by making them feel an intrinsic reward for their efforts than it is to get them to do things by making them feel that they are failing to help you.

Simple things like saying "I've lost 30 lbs in the last year and I really appreciated it when you did XXXX. I am still losing weight and what you've done is helping immensely" goes a long way to encourage people to help. Being defensive in your responses to attempts to answer your question and telling people that they don't know what they're talking about doesn't motivate a support or assistance. I think this also goes back to attitude. You chose to say "you [the people who took the time to respond to your question in this thread] don't get it. If you looked, you know that I am getting a PhD in Engineering. I am really smart and I can't figure it out. If it was that easy I would know how to do it." Internalize your thoughts and hold yourself accountable. We did not fail to get it. You failed to make us understand. You could get constructive criticism much easier by saying, "I'm sorry I wasn't more clear in my initial post. What I meant was that I have this [state what the issue is that needs to be resolved in a different way]. Do you have any thoughts on how to address that?" This thread would have been far more supportive because it wouldn't have broken down to a "I'm not the one who is mean and stupid, you are!" thread. I can say almost undoubtedly, that if a group of strangers who have little or no emotional investment in your life are put off by your behavior when you asked for their help, that the people in your everyday life are too.

Words convey attitude. Attitude effects both your motivation and the motivation of those around you. You have the opportunity to chose what messages you convey. Be deliberate in your words and attitude until it is second nature.

flimflamfloz

You chose to say "you [the people who took the time to respond to your question in this thread] don't get it. If you looked, you know that I am getting a PhD in Engineering. I am really smart and I can't figure it out. If it was that easy I would know how to do it."

This thread would have been far more supportive because it wouldn't have broken down to a "I'm not the one who is mean and stupid, you are!" thread.

I can say almost undoubtedly, that if a group of strangers who have little or no emotional investment in your life are put off by your behavior when you asked for their help, that the people in your everyday life are too.

This.

You come and "ask for help" then dismiss everyone because they don't get it, and prove that you're such a smartass because you've got a PhD (Wow! You must be so intelligent!), are a pedantic b!tch about every word in the thread (motivation vs support: aaaah ok, so that's what it means thanks for enlightening me!), you've lost some weight but people didn't know about it (ahahah! She got me! This is only this month tracker!) and I am sure there are plenty others, but I've got to take a dump now and I will take more pleasure in doing that than replying to this thread now.

On the other hand, you nearly managed to kill your own thread with your bashful comments to the respondents! So props for that.

>> HINT << people won't always offer the right solution, but even the most stupid suggestion might provide some elements, or even a completely different outlook on your problems. Of course if you know everything better than everyone else, then nobody else can help you!

christine24t

>> HINT << people won't always offer the right solution, but even the most stupid suggestion might provide some elements, or even a completely different outlook on your problems. Of course if you know everything better than everyone else, then nobody else can help you!

This is something that I love about Single Peeps. A lot of things I see on here disagree with my views on things, but I still appreciate hearing the other viewpoint on it. I've also started a few threads where I ask for advice, and it is usually pretty solid advice. While I might not take all the advice, I might take a certain part of it. It is helpful to see what others would do so you can figure out what YOU want to do.

NCTravellingGirl

I will share that when I read OP's response to all the postings, I too wondered why you asked if you didn't think we understand. I just moved on and recently saw some responses pop up where other MFPers were frustrated with your response.

You can be the smartest person out there, but we're ALL here on MFP learning or sharing something. Sometimes I'm the teacher; sometimes I'm the student. We all have different life experiences that we share to help each other, and while I may not agree with all the advice I get, there is ALWAYS something to consider. I think and act differently in just three weeks because of what I've learned here, but you have to be open to it and evaluate what you can take away.

I will give the same advice I did earlier. You MUST stop the negativity. What you see in others and how you treat them is a reflection of how you feel about yourself. Self-deprecation is only funny until you realize that some people mean it. You say you love yourself but don't think anyone else could... do you REALLY love yourself?! I have doubts, we all do, but I KNOW I'm awesome, haha... I'm just not everyone's cup of tea and that's OK too!

I really do wish you the best of luck. Life gets a WHOLE lot more interesting and fun when you choose the right attitude :drinker:

Prahasaurus

I can SOOO relate to this.
I was almost 400lbs and believe it or not it was easier to get a date then..because a man who asked me out knew what he saw was what he would get..not with all the wt loss..there is the skin. Yes the dreaded skin is my body image issue now.

.....

I look normal in clothing..so its like I might be tricking the guy..its scary for me to be intimate because I'm scared they will be freaked out that I'm not so normal under clothing...so I want to wait until there are feelings involved. Not many men are willing to wait around for that these days..So I'm single. lol frustrated and single.

Hey kerry,

Whatever you do, don't settle. From your posts, you seem like a very nice person. Even though we men are incredibly superficial in so many ways, we do highly value kindness. And your profile pic is really quite nice - you are very attractive with a wonderful smile. Don't underestimate what you have.

I'm sure it will work out. Although the timing is always tricky... :-)

Prahasaurus

To the OP: I'm also an engineer. Electrical. But I only have a B.S. Still one of the hardest things I ever accomplished, and something I'm very proud of. A PhD is quite impressive. Respect.

--Prahasaurus

MaraDiaz

I can't imagine dating at my current weight. The sad thing is, I might get down to my proper weight and still feel so self-conscious it's almost impossible to unwind and enjoy dating. I've been that way before. But this time, I tell myself it's going to be different.

Anyway, if you're not comfortable and/or not successful with dating at your current weight, you could have patience and hold off until you're at an easier weight. Because no one is going to lie to you about it, dating when you're heavy is harder than when you're thin, no matter what your body image is.

The only thing I will say is, if you're one of those fortunates with good health insurance, once you get down close to your chosen weight, if you still can't shake the insecurity, go see someone about it. I would, if I had the option. I don't intend to be the skinny, miserable pile of insecurities I was last time I lost weight. I intend to be happy with my skinny self when I finally get there again!