Relationships
puttingmyselfoutthere
Posts: 48 Member
I have noticed that there are a lot of people who get divorced after WLS. The surgery is a big change to us but we are doing pretty well with it. I am worried about those statistics .. I was wondering if you have any advice?
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Replies
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From my many years in the wls community, good relationships tend to get better, bad relationships get worse. If things are good now, I would not worry.
In my own experience, I first dated my boyfriend when I was heavy. I didn't like "me" back then and that was definitely detrimental to our relationship. I was no good to either one of us so I broke up with him. I reached out to him again when I got thin and felt better about myself. It's been 3 years now and things are going well for us.0 -
I'm definitely not a vet, but here's my opinion on it. If the marriage was in trouble, WLS won't fix it. If the marriage was going fine, then WLS won't destroy it either. Now that being said, there are things that might happen along the way directly related to WLS that cause a problem. For example, if you were to start spending all your time focusing on you and never have time for your spouse, then you will have a problem. Also if you try to force your lifestyle changes on a spouse who isn't receptive to them then you might have problems.
Was your man supportive of you having surgery? Did he understand the lifestyle changes involved with WLS?
My husband understands that I have to eat a certain way and that I have to exercise. He isn't willing to eat exactly like I do and that is fine. He does exercise regularly and always has. When I cook, I fix one meal for everyone (me, hubby and 8 yr old daughter) that is typically meat and veggies. I add a starch for hubby and daughter.
We like to do active things together on the weekends (he works evenings and I work days so we don't see each other through the week much). We like to hike, bike, swim, etc. We also do things that we have always done like shopping, eating out and going to movies.
I take care of me, but also make sure that I have quality time with my husband and child. My husband and I like to have date nights too. Quality time with your spouse is very important. Don't cut out the together time to have more time to exercise and don't change everything you do together like saying we can't eat out anymore.
I haven't stopped doing any of the things with or for my family that I did before surgery. I still cook, clean, do laundry, grocery shop and spend time with them, but the difference is now I have more energy to do all that stuff.
As long as your man didn't voice a concern that you would get too thin or want to leave him or anything like that. And as long as you keep the communication lines open, then I think you will be fine.0 -
Well, I am one of the statistics, but I truly don't believe that WLS caused my divorce. I was unhappy with myself, had the surgery, felt better about myself, and realized that my husband wasn't treating me the way I deserved. I thought once I lost weight and got pretty he'd want me more. He didn't. So - I have to say that it wasn't the surgery, but it was us. When I was heavy, maybe he felt i was his 'servant, caretaker, mothering figure' Now that I have lost the weight, and i realized i was more than that - but he didnt think so, it went down hill.
GO TO COUNSELING WITH YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER if this is on your mind! There is nothing wrong with therapy. I just wish it had helped us.....
Best of luck!0 -
From my many years in the wls community, good relationships tend to get better, bad relationships get worse. If things are good now, I would not worry.
I completely agree with this statement!!!! (I am currently going thru a divorce, and believe that it wasn't the WLS)0 -
I met my husband as a big girl. I was sick and tired of guys telling me "I had a pretty face" but acted like the rest of me was chopped liver. When I went on my first date with (my husband now) I was fed up with life, men, and myself. Instead of wearing the standard black outfit to try to look smaller, I wore capris and a sleeveless shirt on our first date. This was so not me. I was going to show him what he was getting into (thinking he would run away.)
It was never an issue and he wasn't a "chubby chaser" as his first wife was a size 6.
Little by little he made me feel pretty about how I looked then. It just so happened I was checking out gastric around the same time. I ended up getting approved and made it clear it was 100% my choice and I was doing it for me whether he was around or not. He supported me in whatever decision I would make.
Fast track.........2 years later we got married after I was a single mom for 7 years. I never thought any of this mattered but looking back it did. I'm glad he knew me and accepted me bigger because it showed me how he really loved me for me.
Hope that makes sense, just my story.0 -
I've been married 23 years, I've been thin, I've been heavy.
A big game changer is when you go thru the surgery and you have those non-scale vicotries, who do you share them with? Do you turn to your spouse and allow him to share the journey with you or do you turn to a co-worker, old school chum etc. Same with as you find your way from the MooMoo's to the Hot Momma clothes do you dress and prance for your spouse, or do you put it on display for someone else to admire.
My hubby is my #1 fan partly because I allow him to be. I know there are days that finding out I can now zip up tall boots over my calves really isn't the most important information to him. But he is my partner and my better half and he's along for the ride!
Best wishes! Lisa0 -
I do share everything with my man.. every pound.. every smaller size. We are really great at communicating.
I always worry when people say "Don't change" I think having more confidence is a great thing..not a negative.
My man says I was beautiful at my largest size. I am pretty lucky. He is amazing. We did have a hard time a few weeks back. He was just worried because it is a lot of change in such a short period of time and no matter how many times I told him.. he never really got the severity of everything. It is a lot better now that I am healed and we are getting back into a routine. I think the hardest part for him is that we used to celebrate everything with food.. He isn't much of a planner so going to dinner is his go-to option for everything! We will just have to make new and different plans! I am a little worried about his jealousy though!
Thanks for all of your feed back
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Ive been trying to figure out how I want to weight in on this one since last night. I'm a licensed therapist I have a different perspective on it then just being part of the group because before I ever considered surgery I had some clients who were dealing with the negative side effects of surgery. The surgeons are usually pretty good about warning everyone about hair loss, vitamin deficiencies, dumping, and all the other physical side effects but they usually don't mention or gloss over the other stuff. Alcoholism affects about 60% of WLS patients after their first year. The why of this isn't fully understood yet, one theory is that if food was an addiction for you, and you can't feed your addiction anymore, you turn to something else like alcohol but that also could be drugs or gambling or shopping or anything that can get out of hand. Those things can put more than a little stress on a relationship. There is also an addictive quality to attention as Kidskart (above) mentioned and believe it or not infidelity becomes the issue. There are also just a significant number of WLS patients who have had such low self esteem for so long that when they start building some back up with the weight loss they realize they married a total dead weight, and if they want the health benefits of weight loss to stay they have to get out of an unhealthy relationship.
If you have a partner that you can talk to and who's there for you odds are you are going to be fine, just remember that while losing weight is work, you don't neglect other things along the way.0 -
My husband and I started dating about a year and a half before I had my RNY. He knew me at my heaviest. I had been looking into the surgery options before we got together, so he knew all along what my plan was. He has always been my biggest supporter. He has pushed me to get back into exercising and eating better because he knows how sad and depressed I have been since putting 30 lbs back on. On our wedding day, I was just a few lbs from my lowest weight after surgery. Our relationship was strong before my surgery, and it has continued to get stronger since....through the stresses of planning our wedding, buying a house, raising my teenage daughter, having and raising twins (after surgery), financial stresses. When I was 270 lbs, 160 lbs, and now 190 lbs, he has always told me how beautiful I am to him, how much he loves me and is proud of me.
Did I dress differently when I was skinnier, a little, because for the first time in my life (in my early/mid 30s), I was able to wear junior size clothes, and it felt great. Did I flaunt my "assets", occasionally, but always when I was with my husband. He was proud of how far I'd come, how determined I was to be healthy.
Did I enjoy the looks and comments I would get from guys other than my husband when i was at my lowest weight range, honestly, Yes I did. What woman wouldn't? But never once did I ever think, "I wish I was with that guy, and not my husband". Not once did the thought ever cross my mind to cheat on my husband.
I completely agree that it's all about how strong/stable your relationship is before surgery.0 -
My husband and I have been married for nearly 18 years. He married me thin and after children I slowly gained and gained and gained. I have always felt guilty about my size, because that is not who he married. Whenever I asked him, he always said that he loved me no matter what my size. Never, ever did he complain, but I still felt like he deserved the woman he met and married.
Finally I realized that I deserved to BE the woman he married. It was me who let myself go and me who needed to find myself again. I am really, really blessed to have such a wonderful husband. Find the one who supports you no matter what and you will be all set.0
