When you're not interested ...

rml_16

Well, I'm in the process of trying to end a 7-year relationship and so I decided to put up a profile on POF and have had a few bites. I'm having a lovely conversation with a guy who seems interesting and a few others are in the mix.

Today I got a message from a guy who I can definitely say I'm not attracted to, but he actually took the time to read my profile and write a long message (not just "hey" like some of them), so I don't want to just not respond, but I don't want to pursue anything, either. He's looking for something serious, so is writing back and just saying that I'm not on a place for that kind of thing OK? Does it work? Would he take it as some kind of encouragement instead of a gentle let-down?

HELP!

Nerple

It generally works. The kidn fo guy to take it as a hint is likely the same kind of guy that will email you repeatedly even if you don't respond and then call you a ***** for not responding so it's a no win situation with those types regardless.

But yeah a brief to the point letter stating thanks but no thanks works.

MissingMinnesota

I would just respond with "Thank you for the message but I am just looking to date now and am not looking for a long term relationship"

I responded back to a guy once saying "Thank you for the message but I really perfer to date white guys". I got a message back but it was a thanks for the response, happy fishing kind of thing. Well after he went off about the cute girls want a white guy thing.

rml_16

Thanks. That's what I'll do then.

Honestly, I'm not even sure this breakup is going to "take," so I don't want to lead anyone on. And I kind of want to just be single and play the field a bit for a while. Maybe forever.

rml_16

I would just respond with "Thank you for the message but I am just looking to date now and am not looking for a long term relationship"

I responded back to a guy once saying "Thank you for the message but I really perfer to date white guys". I got a message back but it was a thanks for the response, happy fishing kind of thing. Well after he went off about the cute girls want a white guy thing.

Oh gosh! Years ago I got a message from a black guy and I wrote back and nicely said I thought we were looking for very different things (he wanted serious, I didn't) and he wrote back with a really nasty message calling me a racist.

flimflamfloz

Oh gosh! Years ago I got a message from a black guy and I wrote back and nicely said I thought we were looking for very different things (he wanted serious, I didn't) and he wrote back with a really nasty message calling me a racist.

I would have replied:
"Yeah, I hate white people..."

But actually even funnier would have been:
"Oh no! =( You've called me a racist and because I now feel terribly guilty, I'm of course compelled to date you just to prove I'm not racist even though you are a complete @sshole."

rml_16

Oh gosh! Years ago I got a message from a black guy and I wrote back and nicely said I thought we were looking for very different things (he wanted serious, I didn't) and he wrote back with a really nasty message calling me a racist.

I would have replied:
"Yeah, I hate white people..."

But actually even funnier would have been:
"Oh no! =( You've called me a racist and because I now feel terribly guilty, I'm of course compelled to date you just to prove I'm not racist even though you are a complete @sshole."

I so should have. Or just sent him my prom picture since my date was black. Oy.

MissingMinnesota

Oh gosh! Years ago I got a message from a black guy and I wrote back and nicely said I thought we were looking for very different things (he wanted serious, I didn't) and he wrote back with a really nasty message calling me a racist.

I would have replied:
"Yeah, I hate white people..."

But actually even funnier would have been:
"Oh no! =( You've called me a racist and because I now feel terribly guilty, I'm of course compelled to date you just to prove I'm not racist even though you are a complete @sshole."

I so should have. Or just sent him my prom picture since my date was black. Oy.

Oh I have a guy at work that called me a racist since he has been hitting on me (while living with his baby mama) and I said I prefer to date white guys. The thing is he likes to wave the racist flag a little too much. I was texting a friend at lunch once and he asked to sit with me, and I said sure you can sit there but I probably won't talk to you since I am talking to my friend in MI. He called me a racist for that too.

sallywilson06

People on there get mad if you don't respond. If you want to be courteous I suggest writing back, possibly having a simple conversation with him and just let him down easily. I have done that in the past and actually made a good friend out of it. It can't hurt and if he isn't grown up enough to accept the fact that you aren't interested then at least you weren't rude by not responding.

rml_16

It's just not in my nature to not at least be cordial to someone who makes that kind of effort. The ones who simply write "hey" or something like that aren't getting a response, though. No wonder they're single if that's the best they can come up with.

DavetheHYNIC

I would just respond with "Thank you for the message but I am just looking to date now and am not looking for a long term relationship"

I responded back to a guy once saying "Thank you for the message but I really perfer to date white guys". I got a message back but it was a thanks for the response, happy fishing kind of thing. Well after he went off about the cute girls want a white guy thing.

Well it wasnt me, I don't think white women are physically attractive, just my personal preference.

rml_16

I would just respond with "Thank you for the message but I am just looking to date now and am not looking for a long term relationship"

I responded back to a guy once saying "Thank you for the message but I really perfer to date white guys". I got a message back but it was a thanks for the response, happy fishing kind of thing. Well after he went off about the cute girls want a white guy thing.

Well it wasnt me, I don't think white women are physically attractive, just my personal preference.

lol

Unless you're in Tallahassee I didn't even think that! But I guess that makes you a racist, too? ;-)

Honestly, there's a HUGE difference between not being attracted to a specific feature (even if that's all white women) and being against interracial relationships that don't involve you or choosing not to date outside your race because you have a problem with other races in a general sense. We're attracted to who/what we're attracted to and there's nothing wrong with that.

DavetheHYNIC

I would just respond with "Thank you for the message but I am just looking to date now and am not looking for a long term relationship"

I responded back to a guy once saying "Thank you for the message but I really perfer to date white guys". I got a message back but it was a thanks for the response, happy fishing kind of thing. Well after he went off about the cute girls want a white guy thing.

Well it wasnt me, I don't think white women are physically attractive, just my personal preference.

lol

Unless you're in Tallahassee I didn't even think that! But I guess that makes you a racist, too? ;-)

Honestly, there's a HUGE difference between not being attracted to a specific feature (even if that's all white women) and being against interracial relationships that don't involve you or choosing not to date outside your race because you have a problem with other races in a general sense. We're attracted to who/what we're attracted to and there's nothing wrong with that.

I don't think MOST people are Rascist as in my race is better than your race or I HATE white people or HATE Mexicans etc., but I think a lot of people are prejudiced and stereotype people. I just find white woman stereotypically speaking annoying in their mannerisms and sense of entitlement, to go along with the physical look I Dont like. And I Dont like how Mexicans drive and make their little girls wear wedding dresses to Walmart at 7 yrs old.
I'm kinda of like a George Jefferson self made problack guy. But I would help anyone regardless of Race, color or creed.

rml_16

Deleted because I just remembered where I've seen your avatar before.

Roadie2000

I don't think MOST people are Rascist as in my race is better than your race or I HATE white people or HATE Mexicans etc., but I think a lot of people are prejudiced and stereotype people. I just find white woman stereotypically speaking annoying in their mannerisms and sense of entitlement, to go along with the physical look I Dont like. And I Dont like how Mexicans drive and make their little girls wear wedding dresses to Walmart at 7 yrs old.
I'm kinda of like a George Jefferson self made problack guy. But I would help anyone regardless of Race, color or creed.

Pretty much. Stereotypes are there because most people fit the stereotype. The only problem is that people are so friggin sensitive about it and have no sense of humor. Yes, I'm a white guy, I can't dance, can't jump, and I mainly wear khakis and polo shirts. My best friends are white, Asian, and black. We all recognize we are different and we can joke around about things without getting all offended. Most people need to lighten the hell up.

NCTravellingGirl

Prior to starting online dating, I would have encouraged you to write a nice note back since he took the time and was thoughtful. Having now jumped back out there only for a few weeks, I’d say forget it and move on. At least for me, getting the rejection note makes it feel more like rejection. I’d rather send a note out and get a pleasant surprise that someone responds positively than a note telling me no reminding me I emailed them. Of course, I’m also doing this to work on getting used to rejection so maybe I should just inundated with them, haha… Good Luck!

AnnaPixie

I wouldnt write back either.

On dating sites silence means no! So he already knows you're not interested. Why get his hopes up with getting an email off you. Only then to be rejected in that email?

I expect the same. Only contact me if you are liking what you see/read :flowerforyou:


As for crushing on another race, I get to crush on all of them cos I'm 'mixed race'. Lucky me!! :bigsmile:

porcelain_doll

I don't respond if I'm not interested. And no one has ever written a "sorry but I'm not interested" message back to me, either. I just figured that was the etiquette.

JanieJack

Honestly, there's a HUGE difference between not being attracted to a specific feature (even if that's all white women) and being against interracial relationships that don't involve you or choosing not to date outside your race because you have a problem with other races in a general sense. We're attracted to who/what we're attracted to and there's nothing wrong with that.

You guys just knew I was gonna jump in on this one... I have no problem with people being attracted to what they're attracted to (I like tall broad light skinned or white guys... though most of my relationships have NOT been with that demographic thanks to their killer personalities). You like what you like.

What bothers me is the guys who thought I was hot when they thought I was a latina and then are no longer attracted if I tell them I'm black. Doesn't happen as much here in Louisiana as in other places I've lived, thank God!

JanieJack

The ones who simply write "hey" or something like that aren't getting a response, though. No wonder they're single if that's the best they can come up with.

Some of my most fun dates were with guys who only wrote "Hey" or "Hey how are you?" as an initial email. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

rml_16

The ones who simply write "hey" or something like that aren't getting a response, though. No wonder they're single if that's the best they can come up with.

Some of my most fun dates were with guys who only wrote "Hey" or "Hey how are you?" as an initial email. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

Hey how are you is better than just hey. However, I have spent seven years being treated pretty crappy by someone who is supposed to love me. Now that I'm getting back out there, I am in no hurry to get into a serious relationship, which means being picky and demanding respect. A note showing the guy has read my profile and has some intelligence and the ability to start a conversation and not expecting me to carry the weight is not a lot to ask, so I won't respond to less than that.

I guess it's best to just not respond to this other guy, either. Thanks for the advice, everyone!

MaraDiaz

I would just respond with "Thank you for the message but I am just looking to date now and am not looking for a long term relationship"

I responded back to a guy once saying "Thank you for the message but I really perfer to date white guys". I got a message back but it was a thanks for the response, happy fishing kind of thing. Well after he went off about the cute girls want a white guy thing.

Oh gosh! Years ago I got a message from a black guy and I wrote back and nicely said I thought we were looking for very different things (he wanted serious, I didn't) and he wrote back with a really nasty message calling me a racist.

Sigh. Can I please live somewhere where nobody even notices the race of the guy I date? And this is coming from someone who generally does date outside her race. I'm just so sick of it even being an issue. People should be able to date whomever they happen to be attracted to. Period.

rml_16

I would just respond with "Thank you for the message but I am just looking to date now and am not looking for a long term relationship"

I responded back to a guy once saying "Thank you for the message but I really perfer to date white guys". I got a message back but it was a thanks for the response, happy fishing kind of thing. Well after he went off about the cute girls want a white guy thing.

Oh gosh! Years ago I got a message from a black guy and I wrote back and nicely said I thought we were looking for very different things (he wanted serious, I didn't) and he wrote back with a really nasty message calling me a racist.

Sigh. Can I please live somewhere where nobody even notices the race of the guy I date? And this is coming from someone who generally does date outside her race. I'm just so sick of it even being an issue. People should be able to date whomever they happen to be attracted to. Period.

Unfortunately, there will probably always be someone who notices. There will always be those types of people in the world.

My personal philosophy is what consenting adults do is not my business and if you're my friend or child, all that matters is your SO treats you right.

MaraDiaz

I would just respond with "Thank you for the message but I am just looking to date now and am not looking for a long term relationship"

I responded back to a guy once saying "Thank you for the message but I really perfer to date white guys". I got a message back but it was a thanks for the response, happy fishing kind of thing. Well after he went off about the cute girls want a white guy thing.

Oh gosh! Years ago I got a message from a black guy and I wrote back and nicely said I thought we were looking for very different things (he wanted serious, I didn't) and he wrote back with a really nasty message calling me a racist.

Sigh. Can I please live somewhere where nobody even notices the race of the guy I date? And this is coming from someone who generally does date outside her race. I'm just so sick of it even being an issue. People should be able to date whomever they happen to be attracted to. Period.

Unfortunately, there will probably always be someone who notices. There will always be those types of people in the world.

My personal philosophy is what consenting adults do is not my business and if you're my friend or child, all that matters is your SO treats you right.

Good philosophy!

JanieJack

Hey how are you is better than just hey. However, I have spent seven years being treated pretty crappy by someone who is supposed to love me. Now that I'm getting back out there, I am in no hurry to get into a serious relationship, which means being picky and demanding respect.

After 15 years of a crummy relationship, I, too am in no hurry to get in a serious relationship. My standards for a serious relationship are extremely high, as most can tell by my posts here. But my standards for a fun evening out are substantially lower. I'm not looking for "Mr. Right" at this point, though I'll be happy if he shows up. I'm looking to have fun and get to know new people.

I don't know who it was on here to was telling ladies how difficult it was for men to continually write "heartfelt" emails only to be rejected and so his recommendation was to respond to the "Hey" emails with "Hey" and the "Hey, how are you" emails with "I'm great, how are you" but whoever that was I wanna thank you.

BigBrewski

I don't respond if I'm not interested. And no one has ever written a "sorry but I'm not interested" message back to me, either. I just figured that was the etiquette.

this...

i am not current doing the online dance and i admit i hated sending TONs of messages with no response. i sent more thrn simple hello messages. However when no response means no interest and that is that..you can respond to every message. just move on

Silver180

I'm sorry, call me crazy but am I weird or something?

First of all, what does "In the process of ending a 7 year relationship" mean? Either you've ended the relationship or you haven't. If you haven't ended the relationship, what are you doing on an online dating site?

Second, I'm the kind of person who will reply to all messages, and I will thank them for taking the time to view my profile and send me a message, and if I'm not interested, I will politely explain so and wish them the best of luck in their search.

Sorry, but to me THIS seems like propor etiquitte. To each their own I guess.

AZDizzy

I'm sorry, call me crazy but am I weird or something?

First of all, what does "In the process of ending a 7 year relationship" mean? Either you've ended the relationship or you haven't. If you haven't ended the relationship, what are you doing on an online dating site?

Second, I'm the kind of person who will reply to all messages, and I will thank them for taking the time to view my profile and send me a message, and if I'm not interested, I will politely explain so and wish them the best of luck in their search.

Sorry, but to me THIS seems like propor etiquitte. To each their own I guess.

So am I, but I'm torn recently. I've thanked people for taking the time to read my profile and send me a message and I explain that I'm not interested and wish them luck.

One reply was screaming obscenities at me saying I wasn't all that and I was lucky he sent one at all and it was really mean.

One took the points I mentioned why we wouldn't be a match and started an argument with me about why we were.

So, I'm almost thinking no response would be better...almost.

Natx83

I think you should just call it like it is. Life is to short to mess around and beat around the bush.

chocolateandvodka

And I Dont like how Mexicans drive and make their little girls wear wedding dresses to Walmart at 7 yrs old.

i'm mexican and i just laughed my *kitten* off.

rml_16

Hey how are you is better than just hey. However, I have spent seven years being treated pretty crappy by someone who is supposed to love me. Now that I'm getting back out there, I am in no hurry to get into a serious relationship, which means being picky and demanding respect.

After 15 years of a crummy relationship, I, too am in no hurry to get in a serious relationship. My standards for a serious relationship are extremely high, as most can tell by my posts here. But my standards for a fun evening out are substantially lower. I'm not looking for "Mr. Right" at this point, though I'll be happy if he shows up. I'm looking to have fun and get to know new people.

I don't know who it was on here to was telling ladies how difficult it was for men to continually write "heartfelt" emails only to be rejected and so his recommendation was to respond to the "Hey" emails with "Hey" and the "Hey, how are you" emails with "I'm great, how are you" but whoever that was I wanna thank you.

I don't need heartfelt, but just write something that lets me know you actually read my profile. It doesn't have to be long and emotional.