Online dating to "just friends"

jesusHchris

I've never felt chemistry on a date that came from a dating site. However, I have met some really cool chicks. Obviously we have similar interests and interesting conversations, which is what got us away from the keyboards and in to the real world in the first place.

I'm not always sure of a tactful way to try to pursue a friendship, though. If I invite them out a second time, doesn't that say that I'm expressing more interest? Of course they all fall madly in love with me right off the bat, and I don't want to hurt any feelings.

Anyone else been in this boat? Should I just assume that I have to bang them if we hang out and the lights go out? I'd really like to make new friends... without all the banging.

catherine4211

That's tough. For me when I tried online dating it was to date, not look for friends. I would have gotten my feelings hurt if you only wanted to be buddies. But that's me. And I like all the banging.

jesusHchris

I actually state pretty clearly in my profile that I am open to making "just friends".

It used to say that I was looking to only make friends to start with, but that if something develops that might be great. Maybe I need to go back to saying that seeing as the romantic part has never happened.

shammxo

That's tough. I feel like it's something that has to just happen organically. You go out a few times... Then realize the only chemistry you have is in a "friendly" way. It's happened for me a couple of times. One of my best friends was once a first date.

You don't HAVE to bang anyone... And they have websites for making friends specifically. I don't really think there is a tactful way to tell a girl that you're talking to on an online DATING site that you just want to be her friend. Chances are, it wouldn't be well received... It could come off as.... "I'm on this online DATING site, but you're not dating material. So, let's be friends."

Unless you have it stated on your actual profile that you're just looking for friends. But this could be taken the wrong way, too. Or we'd just think you're trying to find people to have sex with.

I don't know. It's hard to make friends.

SouthernSweetie74

It's fine to be "just friends" if you are up front about it from the get go. But, you know, since they all fall madly in love with you, you may have a problem. You may just be too awesome for your own good. LOL I say BE HONEST. From the start. But if you go out with them and ask them out again and you don't tell them that you're really just looking for a friendship vs. a relationship, then you are wrong, because you are leading them on. If you tell them you'd just like to be friends and see if they're okay with that, that's their choice.

And NO, you do not have to bang them all.

I would prefer to date someone who didn't bang them all.

Because when I do get in a relationship, I want that to be special and sacred not something that my partner has done with every girl he's dated casually.

jesusHchris

It could come off as.... "I'm on this online DATING site, but you're not dating material. So, let's be friends."

That's exactly what I fear. I have two girls in mind in particular that are pretty awesome and I would love to hang out with again but I don't feel any spark for. I guess that spark could happen but in my experience that usually comes out right away.

EDIT: When I first hung out with them, it was definitely for dating. Just wasn't interested like that.

shammxo

It could be hurtful to them if they felt a "spark" with you. Again, I think it's something that has to happen organically. You can't really force it.

jesusHchris

Ha, re-reading this it sounds like there is probably something wrong with me. Maybe it's time to go back to no-dating for a while...

christine24t

It could come off as.... "I'm on this online DATING site, but you're not dating material. So, let's be friends."

That's exactly what I fear. I have two girls in mind in particular that are pretty awesome and I would love to hang out with again but I don't feel any spark for. I guess that spark could happen but in my experience that usually comes out right away.

EDIT: When I first hung out with them, it was definitely for dating. Just wasn't interested like that.

Maybe you could say something along the lines of, "I had a lot of fun with you, but I see us more as friends than something else. Would you be up to hanging out as friends sometime?"

r1ghtpath

i don't think there is anything wrong with you!
what you could try is inviting them to things that are less date-y. like the batting cages vs. dinner, or somewhere you like to go for say a hobby vs. a place you could hold hands and talk sweetly to one another.

don't invite them over, and don't go to their place. don't hold hands, don't talk sweetly to her, don't do the whole "touching" thing.

i made a male friend off of OKC. we always had a great time together and it was strictly platonic. the most physically interaction there was, was a hug.

basically, he behaved like the guy that " just isn't into you." he didn't take me out, he didn't try to kiss me or sleep with me, he didn't call or text every day. he was a friend. he treated me the same way he would have treated a male friend. because, we were "just friends."

i for one, would be grateful to meet you and hang out as friends. i don't want to do the lovey dovey relationship stuff right now. i just want a couple hot guys to hang out with :-)

jesusHchris

what you could try is inviting them to things that are less date-y. like the batting cages vs. dinner, or somewhere you like to go for say a hobby vs. a place you could hold hands and talk sweetly to one another.

I was thinking that, good to hear it from a girl. Both of the chicks I mentioned are into a lot of the things I like to do that my current friends are too hung over all the time to do - maybe I will try that.

BigBrewski

wait so there is banging on dating sites? maybe i need to get my profile online again

r1ghtpath

from my perspective all there IS is banging on dating sites................

r1ghtpath

what you could try is inviting them to things that are less date-y. like the batting cages vs. dinner, or somewhere you like to go for say a hobby vs. a place you could hold hands and talk sweetly to one another.

I was thinking that, good to hear it from a girl. Both of the chicks I mentioned are into a lot of the things I like to do that my current friends are too hung over all the time to do - maybe I will try that.

do it!!! worst things that happens is that you don't end up friends with me in the long run.

you can always sit back and see if they contact you.... and then make plans around stuff you want to do that is NOT relationship building......

kansasbelle

It's fine to be "just friends" if you are up front about it from the get go. But, you know, since they all fall madly in love with you, you may have a problem. You may just be too awesome for your own good. LOL I say BE HONEST. From the start. But if you go out with them and ask them out again and you don't tell them that you're really just looking for a friendship vs. a relationship, then you are wrong, because you are leading them on. If you tell them you'd just like to be friends and see if they're okay with that, that's their choice.

And NO, you do not have to bang them all.

I would prefer to date someone who didn't bang them all.

Because when I do get in a relationship, I want that to be special and sacred not something that my partner has done with every girl he's dated casually.

^^^This and that's why you are my friend...:)

kansasbelle

wait so there is banging on dating sites? maybe i need to get my profile online again

^^^^That's what I was thinking... .The only action I got off the dating sites was clients coming into my office to ask about my profile. Did I mention I work with the seriously mentally ill? No more dating sites for this chick.

christine24t

what you could try is inviting them to things that are less date-y. like the batting cages vs. dinner, or somewhere you like to go for say a hobby vs. a place you could hold hands and talk sweetly to one another.

I was thinking that, good to hear it from a girl. Both of the chicks I mentioned are into a lot of the things I like to do that my current friends are too hung over all the time to do - maybe I will try that.

I would still make your intentions clear though. A girl might think that you're low key or not so touchy-feely.

Girls and women read into everything, and unless you say you want to be friends, she is going to think you're into her, and this is how you show it.

jesusHchris

I would still make your intentions clear though. A girl might think that you're low key or not so touchy-feely.

Girls and women read into everything, and unless you say you want to be friends, she is going to think you're into her, and this is how you show it.

Good point. I think maybe I won't play this game at all (or wait to see if the friendship happens organically), I can see how I would feel in the opposite situation.

BigBrewski

wait so there is banging on dating sites? maybe i need to get my profile online again

^^^^That's what I was thinking... .The only action I got off the dating sites was clients coming into my office to ask about my profile. Did I mention I work with the seriously mentally ill? No more dating sites for this chick.

i have been avoiding them as well

BigBrewski

wait so there is banging on dating sites? maybe i need to get my profile online again

^^^^That's what I was thinking... .The only action I got off the dating sites was clients coming into my office to ask about my profile. Did I mention I work with the seriously mentally ill? No more dating sites for this chick.

i have been avoiding them as well

AZDizzy

Maybe get involved with some activity groups on Meetup or something?

jesusHchris

Just realized this is on the bottom of my profile:

"I'm just as down to make friends as I am to "date". Actually, hanging out with just that initial expectation is preferable - it's hard to judge chemistry through a keyboard."

And I actually would like to find a girl to be more than friends with on there, it just hasn't happened.

Prahasaurus

wait so there is banging on dating sites? maybe i need to get my profile online again

^^^^That's what I was thinking... .The only action I got off the dating sites was clients coming into my office to ask about my profile. Did I mention I work with the seriously mentally ill? No more dating sites for this chick.

Well, that's the last straw. No more dating sites for me, either.

It's back to trying to pick up flight attendants, I guess...

--P

JanieJack

I wish some of the guys I've met online would be ok with being "just friends" but they seem to be either into you romantically or continuing to search for the next romantic interest (in which case they don't seem interested in hanging out with another female).

I have had guy friends in the past that I met online, but I found that over time they start sending mixed signals that make you think they're romantically interested (even if you're not getting physical, I'd recommend not doing OTHER things that women would interpret as you've decided you want an eventual relationship).

Prahasaurus

I don't think I have the right personality to manage first encounters from an on-line dating sight, anyway. The issue is communication before actually seeing the person. I realize there are pics at these dating sights, but I've been universally disappointed when meeting the actual person face to face for the first time. Even when the pics are close, there is something about a "spark" upon meeting someone that doesn't translate very well on-line. Especially after having emailed that person over days/weeks. Something just doesn't sit well with me. Am I alone in this?

Add to that the additional pressure of determining if there is truly a romantic connection or not. And this usually happens immediately. In a live setting (wow, so strange to write that), you meet people all the time, without much pressure. A flight attendant (yes, I meet them often), a hotel manager, a marketing exec, a financial consultant, etc. If there is a spark, then you can talk a bit and see if it's mutual, without so much pressure. It's just friendly banter, innocent flirting.

But at your first official meet up after an on-line connection, there is this immediate expectation of "yes or no". I just don't handle those situations well. In any case, I just deleted my OKC account. I'll have to experience on-line dating vicariously, through the rest of you. :-)

While I'm on the topic, there are obviously downsides to trying to meet someone without resorting to on-line dating: limited pool of candidates, seemingly more random, etc. I have the additional issue of traveling a lot on business, and most of the ladies I meet are working in the service industry (heh - bad joke in there somewhere). By that I mean flight attendants (I'm on a plane every other week on average), hotel staff, waitresses, etc.

The one thing I miss about doing business in the US (probably the only thing) is that you have a lot more women in senior management positions (not enough, granted). I spend most of my time in the Middle East and Central/Eastern Europe. And while it's improving, you don't often find as many women here in *senior* positions as in the US. So I'm almost always meeting with men, having business dinners with men, etc. The past couple of years I've been traveling often to the Gulf (Saudi Arabia, UAE, Qatar, etc.), so you can imagine how few women I see during business meetings... :-)

The women I meet in the service industry (hotel staff, flight attendants) are paid to be friendly to me. It's their job! And because I often fly on the same airline and stay in the same hotels, I have very high status there, which ensures even better service. It makes it very hard to determine if someone is interested/flirting with me, or if she is just doing her job: being extra nice to the "diamond card" (or whatever) customer.

Last week I was in Dubai, checking out of the hotel I always use there. The entire staff knows me, I high-five the pool boys, I know the first names of most of the concierge staff, I kiss the attractive, Bulgarian restaurant manager on her cheek (Euro style) every time I see her, etc., etc. It's like a second home for me. Hell, even the Italian husband and wife team that provide entertainment in the popular terrace bar wave when I come in, and I've spent long nights with them drinking between their sets.

So anyhoo, I'm checking out and there is someone new at reception. Incredibly attractive, French, probably mid to late 20's. "Oh, so you're Mr. XXXXX, I've heard so much about you," smile, smile, etc., etc. OK, standard stuff, it's her job, but it seems extra flirty now (because she's French? because she likes me?). As she's checking me out (just literally, not figuratively, I think), we talk a bit. I mention I'm flying back to Prague. I learn she's been there and loves it, magical city, etc., she's thinking she will apply to transfer there once her training ends in Dubai in some months, etc. She asks when I'll be back, more smiles, more eye contact, etc. Again, it's just her job, but it's impossible to know. In any other setting, I would have asked her out immediately.

So at least in on-line dating, you're both at that first "live" encounter for a reason, and that reason is quite clear: are we attracted to each other? Do we want to continue? Live dating is so much more translucent. But yet, that's also what makes it so much more interesting...

--P

AnnaPixie

I've never felt chemistry on a date that came from a dating site. However, I have met some really cool chicks. Obviously we have similar interests and interesting conversations, which is what got us away from the keyboards and in to the real world in the first place.

I'm not always sure of a tactful way to try to pursue a friendship, though. If I invite them out a second time, doesn't that say that I'm expressing more interest? Of course they all fall madly in love with me right off the bat, and I don't want to hurt any feelings.

Anyone else been in this boat? Should I just assume that I have to bang them if we hang out and the lights go out? I'd really like to make new friends... without all the banging.

I kinda think that the chemistry thing (or lack of) is mutual. So, how do you know they aren't feeling the same? (sorry to dent your ego!! )

I'd say something like "I know we didnt feel any mutual chemistry, but how about we hang out as friends as we seem to both like XYZ"

You could get one of 3 reactions:

1. Awww, I thought you wanted to bang me!
2. Piss off, I'm not really looking for friends. :explode:
3. Cool, I was hoping you'd say that! :bigsmile:

Send a text. Always the easy way out :flowerforyou:

solman66

Send a text. Always the easy way out :flowerforyou:

....really surprised to see a woman say that. I would've thought that would be a surefire way to make her feel unattractive, kind of like "I'm just not attracted to you"

I was in this exact situation with the only girl I've met in online dating so far. She was really cool and we had a ton in common, but I just wasn't feeling it. I went out with her 3 more times after the first date thinking there was something wrong with me and the chemistry would come. I could tell she was into me a lot more than I was into her so I had to end it. After our 4th date I just told her that I really enjoyed spending time with her and we had a lot in common, but I just didn't feel a spark. If she still wanted to be friends, I'd love that, but if not I understand. At first she was a bit upset and she just wanted to go home. I got a text later that night saying she was fine with just being friends and thanked me for being honest. We've hung out since then and had a good time.

My recommendation is be upfront and be honest, if she's mature she'll respect you for it.
Just remember, you're putting her in the friendzone and anyone that's in the friendzone has the same goal, so keep any subsequent meetings as platonic as possible.

AnnaPixie

Send a text. Always the easy way out :flowerforyou:

....really surprised to see a woman say that. I would've thought that would be a surefire way to make her feel unattractive, kind of like "I'm just not attracted to you"

Exactly!! He is NOT attracted to her!! But wants to be her friend. I'm all for plain old honesty. And I think texts alleviate the pressure on both sides.

I'd rather know by text on the first date than in person on the 4th, put it that way!! (although, by the 4th date I would prefer the more personal approach :flowerforyou: ) Not saying you shouldnt have given it a go, but if you know straight off then it's easier all round - no time invested, no emotions simmering, no expectations. First dates are difficult in a lot of ways, but lets face it, you get over them pretty quick.

r1ghtpath

Maybe I'm different since I'm not really looking for someone to date, but when a guy doesn't show he's into me by calling, setting up dates, trying to touch me and make out/ have sex... I'm going to assume he's just not that into me.

A guy can text, I want to see you, be with you. Great!! Are you going
To call to set up a date?? Are you going
To actually SEE me and try to be with me?? If not, you're not that interested. If a guy texts or calls once in a while and is friendly but not pushing for dates, I'm not going to think he's into me.

One of the things I like about sometimes reading advice/ self help, is that some times it works when you apply it in your life :-) even Marc Katz talks about the makings of a good boyfriend. He kind of puts the power in the woman's court. If
The guy isn't doing certain things, he's not a good boyfriend and I liken this to " just not that into you.". HE is not going
To change his behavior, but the woman can!!!! She can move onto a guy that IS into her and good relationship material :-)

It's possible that you can make a friend, as long as she is down for that! You can tell her straight up. You can put on your profile you want it all to start as friends. Since there are two women you would like as friends but have already been on dates with, either tell
Them upfront, or don't act interested. They might very well move on and never talk to you again...... You just never know!!

oddyogi

I would def agree with Aunt Anna and send a text. Even if they get mad over it, at least it's privately, and they'll have time to let it sink in and they might have a change of heart and realize they didn't feel a spark too. Sometimes women force the spark feeling just because they want so badly to find a connection. If you're blunt with a text, it might snap them back to reality.

Although beware, if they're crazies, they might seem totally cool with being friend's but they're secretly thinking they can change you.

catherine4211

wait so there is banging on dating sites? maybe i need to get my profile online again

Did my comment on here provoke the FR???