Could you do it?

BondBomb

Ok updated details.
He was married for 10 years. The kids all have one mother. I will say I have opted not to go out with him. Not because of the kids, but because we really don't have that much in common after a few conversations. Not to mention it was like pulling teeth to make plans. He seemed to want to me make the plans but then his schedule couldn't accommodate the things I suggested. Yet he was not willing to make suggestions of his own. Dude I am not your social coordinator.
Oh wells!

oddyogi

Perhaps a bit off topic, but it seems quite harsh to say you'd never date a guy/girl because of kids. Even four kids. Maybe you can say you're "reluctant," it would "stop and make you think," etc. But to categorically rule out someone with kids? Especially when the underlying theme on these boards is how hard it is to find a partner. Why make it even harder?

I accept there are some red lines in choosing someone, we all filter to some degree. I would never date a drug addict. I'd be highly reluctant to date a smoker (although I have dated a few in the past). Etc. But we're talking about children, not destructive personal habits!

Of course I'm biased, as I have two kids.... Still, while it might be more challenging, as in life, sometimes the best things are worth a bit of effort.

--P

For me the logic is rather simple.

I have chosen to remain childless for a variety of reasons. I have taken necessary precautions and great care to maintain this status. I have a long list of reasons for this decision, but most of them are irrelevant here. Basically, I'm selfish, a bit impatient, and rather coarse. I'm not a kid friendly individual. I have no maternal instinct, and therefore I am not even approached as a potential babysitter to my friends' kids.

With all of that, why decide suddenly that it's ok to date someone who will change my life in such a dramatically inconvenient way? I enjoy last minute planning, long sleeps, extra cash, and take advantage of these regularly. I wouldn't even know how to begin relating to someone with children.

Took the words right out of my mouth!

christine24t

Perhaps a bit off topic, but it seems quite harsh to say you'd never date a guy/girl because of kids. Even four kids. Maybe you can say you're "reluctant," it would "stop and make you think," etc. But to categorically rule out someone with kids? Especially when the underlying theme on these boards is how hard it is to find a partner. Why make it even harder?

I agree.

I can see why it would stop and make you think, but I don't think it should be an automatic deal breaker - I think it should be explored first!

MaraDiaz

Perhaps a bit off topic, but it seems quite harsh to say you'd never date a guy/girl because of kids. Even four kids. Maybe you can say you're "reluctant," it would "stop and make you think," etc. But to categorically rule out someone with kids? Especially when the underlying theme on these boards is how hard it is to find a partner. Why make it even harder?

I agree.

I can see why it would stop and make you think, but I don't think it should be an automatic deal breaker - I think it should be explored first!

In my case it's not an automatic deal breaker forever, but right now, I probably couldn't keep a houseplant alive. Before I take on any responsibility of any kind, I've got my own situation to fix.

And once I'm in a better place (literaly and figuratively), I'd still have to think long and hard about whether I can be fair to step children. What would the situation be? If he had full custody, that's a lot different from someone who has his kids only part of the time. If he did have kids full time, what childcare help does he already have from family?

Is he looking for a wife or a mom? Because any man looking for a mom for his kids first should look elsewhere. I like kids okay, of course I love my son, but my maternal instinct couldn't fill a thimble.

None of this applies in FWB situations, of course. Or shouldn't!

christine24t

Is he looking for a wife or a mom? Because any man looking for a mom for his kids first should look elsewhere.

That is a good point.

chocolateandvodka

Perhaps a bit off topic, but it seems quite harsh to say you'd never date a guy/girl because of kids. Even four kids. Maybe you can say you're "reluctant," it would "stop and make you think," etc. But to categorically rule out someone with kids? Especially when the underlying theme on these boards is how hard it is to find a partner. Why make it even harder?

I agree.

I can see why it would stop and make you think, but I don't think it should be an automatic deal breaker - I think it should be explored first!

When I met the man I am currently "dating" for the first time, the very first thing I told him was that I didn't date men with kids, so he shouldn't bother. I'm glad he bothered anyway.


Just putting that out there.

AnnaPixie

Ok updated details.
He was married for 10 years. The kids all have one mother. I will say I have opted not to go out with him. Not because of the kids, but because we really don't have that much in common after a few conversations. Not to mention it was like pulling teeth to make plans. He seemed to want to me make the plans but then his schedule couldn't accommodate the things I suggested. Yet he was not willing to make suggestions of his own. Dude I am not your social coordinator.
Oh wells!

Yeah, it does make me go like this :huh: when someone says that someone is 'hot'. It's like the ONLY reason to go out with someone is because they look good? I see this a lot on here. And it distresses me. Cos 'hot' lasts about 5 minutes for most of us!! (of course there are some people that are quite happy living their life with nothing more than an arm trophy!) But, in general, we need to get past the hot to a person's core personality and then see if we match.

Glad you found out he was hot and not so great so soon!! :flowerforyou:

BondBomb

Ok updated details.
He was married for 10 years. The kids all have one mother. I will say I have opted not to go out with him. Not because of the kids, but because we really don't have that much in common after a few conversations. Not to mention it was like pulling teeth to make plans. He seemed to want to me make the plans but then his schedule couldn't accommodate the things I suggested. Yet he was not willing to make suggestions of his own. Dude I am not your social coordinator.
Oh wells!

Yeah, it does make me go like this :huh: when someone says that someone is 'hot'. It's like the ONLY reason to go out with someone is because they look good? I see this a lot on here. And it distresses me. Cos 'hot' lasts about 5 minutes for most of us!! (of course there are some people that are quite happy living their life with nothing more than an arm trophy!) But, in general, we need to get past the hot to a person's core personality and then see if we match.

Glad you found out he was hot and not so great so soon!! :flowerforyou:

Well to be perfectly honest..since my divorce that's what I want. Someone hot and fun. It would be nice if they had long term potential but I'm more in the mindset of mr. Right now as opposed to mr. Right.
Besides what I think is hot probably doesn't apply to anyone else. They might look at him and say no way.
I just want to make sure I am very careful in case I end up liking someone. I would hate for him to turn into mr right only for me to be overwhelmed with deal breakers that I knew about from day one.

RMuske

I could not date someone with 4 kids, but to each their own. If you think there is potential why not go for it? Worse case you figure out it is too much for you, or his hotness doesn't translate to someone you really want to be with. Best case he is worth it and it isn't that big a deal after all.

I went on a date with someone 9 years older than me who has a 14 year old son.. I am 27 and have no kids (couldn't have a 14 year old even if I had tried right when the option became available). It is weird but I am glad I went because he is really great.