Depressed :(

bethad5

Hi all... me again. This is going to be a really long post but I really need some advice. I'm mid week 5 of reset. I do 5-6 hours of cardio a week and am eating at the strenuous activity level, putting my TDEE at 2655. I started the week of Father's Day.

Since then, I've probably gone over TDEE more than I've stayed under. None of my clothes fit anymore. My face feels puffy. I haven't weighed myself since starting the reset, but the last time I had weighed myself I was 154. I started MFP in early May at 148 with a goal weight of 145. When I started gaining by eating MFP recommendation + exercise calories, I hit 154. I was ready to cut calories and increase exercise and found this group instead, figuring it couldn't hurt.

What I've realized is.... it does hurt. It hurts to have been so close to goal and now be even farther away. I started over two years ago at 205 pounds and got down to 144-146 which I was able to maintain through a VLCD. Except now I'm wondering if I really was VLCD - I was calculating calories on my own, averaging around 1500-1600, and going by what the machine said I burned, which was 600-700 a session, but these were all just estimates. Maybe I was eating much more and burning much less than I thought and that is how my weight stayed steady. Maybe I was never VLCD at all. When I was doing this, I never binged. I just ate what I ate and it was always about 1600ish calories.

This changed when I got stress fractures in my feet last August and was in a cast/boot for 3 months. During that time I hit an all-time low of 133. I'm 5'10" and 133 didn't look good on me - but wearing such small clothing sizes did. I didn't go to the gym at all between August and December. I gained some weight over the holidays and started back at the gym in January around 140 pounds. I've been steadily increasing since. And now I'm at a number I haven't seen in over a year. I feel like a failure. I feel like there isn't a point to this. I don't strength train because I don't know how and I'm afraid to do it but not do it correctly, so all I do is cardio. I push myself to the edge each workout but I never feel like I'm doing enough.

& now, since resetting, I can't even do this right. I binge, and I binge much more than is seen on my diary - and although there are days I'm right at 2655, there are days when I KNOW I'm in the 3000's. And then I wonder why my clothes don't fit? This week we moved, and I spent all day Monday and yesterday going up and down stairs carrying boxes. Yesterday I was a complete carb monster and could not eat enough. I stopped logging but had two more snacks late last night - a Larabar, some mixed nuts, some peanut butter - all high calorie, high fat items. Why do I do this when my TDEE is so high? How can my body feel like 2655 isn't enough? It's like I can't stop myself. I'm not hungry, I'm not emotional, my body just feels like it needs to eat and eat and eat. When I was maintaining at 144-146, I never did this. I was eating 1000 less calories then but never felt the compulsion to eat like I do now. How does this make sense?

How much damage have I done to myself? What am I going to do when I finally work up the nerve to weigh myself and see 160+ on the scale? I'm going home at the end of the month to see family I haven't seen in months - and last time I saw them I was in the 140s. They're going to look at me and think, 'yep, there she goes... right back to where she started at. I knew she couldn't keep it off.' It's July 11 and I'm going home the 28. That's a little over two weeks to fix things. It cannot be done.

Sorry for the rambling post. I am just so depressed and so down on myself about all of this. Even with eating so much I have no energy. Can anyone help me? Am I doing it all wrong? I don't have a BMF or HRM so I base everything on the machines. Should I only be at 'moderate' activity? I used to work out 7x a week but was starting to get burnt out, so I started taking 1 rest day a week, and then 2.

I didn't want to change my calorie level because I wanted to be consistent through the whole 8 week reset. Have all the days I've exceeded TDEE ruined my consistency? Do I need to do a full 8 weeks at JUST 2655 for the reset to really work?

bsinno

aw

from what ive observed, this is really common around the 5/6 week mark of the reset. you should check out the rest support thread, it seems pretty active.

i dont know how long you were planning to reset, but 5-6 weeks is within the recombination I believe. so theres nothing wrong with listening to your body and cutting early if you think thats right. I hope others here can give you some better advice! hang in there and try not to give a *kitten* about what other people think - you are doing this for YOU after all!!

terrigrace

First off, take a big, deep breath. And another one. It's going to be okay. You are going to get a lot of great advice on this forum, some of the best is not to panic. One of things that seems to be a running theme in my reading is that cardio can be overdone. And strength training can really help you build up your muscle tone and burn fat so much more efficiently than cardio. A great book is New Rules of Lifting for Women - it will walk you through the lifting process step by step. I can't recommend it enough. I have a few excerpts from the book on my google account and would be happy to share them, if you want.

It's probably not much of a consolation, but I have two weeks more in my reset. And this morning I had to post another gain - I'm at 160 myself, a weight I swore I'd never see again. But I've come to terms with the fact that I did a lot of damage to my poor metabolism yo-yoing over the years. And every calorie decrease I did set my metabolism lower and lower. Are you seeing any changes that might indicate a higher metabolism? The hunger is probably one. How about sleeping better? Or more energy?

You want to be at or just over TDEE as consistently as possible, but you can change the level if you need too. I just set mine a little lower, my activity level has been low the last couple of days, probably why I posted a gain. It seems to me that the goal of reset is to find your maintenance level. Expect a gain at first as your body gets used to have sufficient food supplies. Then if you don't level out after a few weeks, lower the calorie level a bit (nothing drastic, maybe 100 calories) and then be consistent with that for a week.

Most people under estimate their calorie levels, so you still may be too low, especially with the high cardio burns you are putting out . . . but it sounds like telling you to eat more would scare you right out of this process. Any way of picking up a cheap heart rate monitor to measure your burns? I know a lot of people like the polars, but they were out of my price range at the time . . . and I bought a cheep reebok one at Walmart. LOL, that was 8 years ago and it still works like a champ! I just invested in a Body Media Fit, really hoping that it will show me a better picture of what I burn each day.

Good luck, and above all, don't give up!!!

Hugs,
Terri

Zylayna

I didn't want to change my calorie level because I wanted to be consistent through the whole 8 week reset. Have all the days I've exceeded TDEE ruined my consistency? Do I need to do a full 8 weeks at JUST 2655 for the reset to really work?

You don't have to worry...exceeding your tdee is not harmful to a reset (it's better to be over than under!). The only drawback is that you may gain more than you would if you stuck to your tdee numbers. But even Kiki herself said that she often ate above tdee during her reset.

As for eating above tdee...I am now in my 7th week of reset and all I want to do is EAT. I never had this problem at a vlcd and it took most of my reset to get to this point. This is a good thing. It means my metabolism is revved up and I am right on target to cut at 8 weeks. One of the things they tell us is that when you know for a fact that trying to go to cut is going to be hard (because you will really miss those extra cals) then you know you have reset your metabolism. I have already had to start pulling out some of my old diet tricks that I used to use that would give me more volume/fuller feeling for longer for fewer cals. I have learned to start keeping lots of fruit and veggies washed and easy to grab for snacking because I've gotten used to eating all day long now. My suggestion to you is to do something similar and keep easy carbs or other foods you want to avoid out of easy reach. Start now in training your body to survive the cut.

You can do this, and you DON'T have to start again! It's all good! Right now, concentrate on regaining control of what you eat and when you eat. Listen to your body, but also exert discipline and methods that help you stay on target. Using your reset to regulate and control your eating is just as important as using it to raise your metabolism. And if you haven't been, make sure you get that protein macro on target. It makes a WORLD of difference to that hungry feeling.

Noor13

Hi there.

First of all-take a deep breath. You have done great to come this far.
Believe me, I know so well how you are feeling. I am with you.
I am in week 6 of my reset and I hit a wall last weekend. I thought I could not take it any more.
My clothes are tight and I don't feel comfortable.
But going back to VLC is not an option for me.

You have come this far, don't give up now. You can do it, and things will change.
I think though, that you should cut down on your cardio. I didn't lift heavy before starting EM2WL, but it is doable. Don't be scared about it. Go to your gym and get a trainer to show you around. Or do it as I and many others do-do it at home. I am doing ChaLean Extreme, and I feel it's a good starting point for newbies. And I really do like it. You will build muscle, that will burn off that fat.

What are a few weeks compared to life time change? I have never weighed that much, expect when I was pregnant. Believe me, it;s not easy, but what's the option I have? I want a healthy relation to food for the rest of my life and a diet that's sustainable.

Just stick it out a bit longer, before you do your cut. Things will be ok

bethad5

@Terri - I might look into different devices. I'd love a body media fit but can't afford it. I'll have to check around and see what I can find that fits my price range

@jyska - I'm right there with you right now - all I want to do is eat! I finish a meal or snack and immediately start thinking about how long I should wait until the next one. Especially with breakfast- I wake up and I'm not hungry, per se, but eat anyway and as I'm eating I feel myself get hungrier and hungrier. When I'm done eating I feel like I'm starving! I make overnight oats and always make my oats for the next day right after breakfast - but I'm always so hungry I do the whole 'oh just a lick here' 'just a bite there' and sometimes end up polishing off the whole bowl. And then feel guilty all day. It's such a cycle. I still have 2.5 weeks until I hit the 8 week mark. Does what I'm describing sound like my metabolism is revved up? Man.

@Noor - I'm really hoping to push through this without going back to my old VLCD ways. It's just so hard because I feel so gluttonous eating 2650 calories, and then the pudginess feeling on top of it? Not a good combo. Is ChaLean Extreme a home DVD set? How much is it, can you buy it in stores or do you have to order it online? More basic question...what exactly is it and what do I need? I have a yoga mat and 5 pound weights currently (that are never touched). My boyfriend has 15 pound weights. I also have a resistance band I had completely forgotten about until I found when we moved (oops)

Raynn1

The Gals have already said most of what I would say as well.. I think all of us hit the wall hard at 5-6 weeks mentally. It does get easier. As for eating over.. definitely better to eat over than under. Yes you probably gained a few extra pounds that you didnt want because of it, but you know what, this is temporary. It WILL come off and stay off when you cut. Stop beating yourself up about it and just enjoy this process if you can. Enjoy your food. Enjoy eating things you probably hadnt touched in months previous.

Cut will happen soon and you will start to forget about this past 8 weeks and the struggles you went through.. Soon it will be so far removed from it, you will forget you ever did it:)

Keep at it, Think long term. Think to next year knowing that you will never again have to eat 1200 cals to lose weight.. that people will be asking you, how you did it..

Hugs

norcal_yogi

i'm just chiming in to ask about how many cals were you eating when you got down to 133? i am assuming you weren't very active at that point, but am curious if you were still eating at/around 1600.

...you got this...

nannabannana

bump for later reference. WOW. I am so sorry! I don't know what to tell you except read all the feedbacks from the GROUP members. I do wish you good luck getting the right answers. My heart just aches to read this.

NWCountryGal

I don't know much about the program if anything but I know about being depressed over things in my life. Every time though, things turn out for the better. Hang on honey and try not to be so hard on yourself. I always remember something a friend told me once. She asked me if I would "beat her up" if she had done what I did(whatever it was I was beating myself up about). Of course I said no, I wouldn't do that to you or any friend. And then she said "then why are you treating yourself that way". It still makes sense to this day. Although many of us are so very hard on ourselves. Write me anytime:flowerforyou: denise

Hi all... me again. This is going to be a really long post but I really need some advice. I'm mid week 5 of reset. I do 5-6 hours of cardio a week and am eating at the strenuous activity level, putting my TDEE at 2655. I started the week of Father's Day.

Since then, I've probably gone over TDEE more than I've stayed under. None of my clothes fit anymore. My face feels puffy. I haven't weighed myself since starting the reset, but the last time I had weighed myself I was 154. I started MFP in early May at 148 with a goal weight of 145. When I started gaining by eating MFP recommendation + exercise calories, I hit 154. I was ready to cut calories and increase exercise and found this group instead, figuring it couldn't hurt.

What I've realized is.... it does hurt. It hurts to have been so close to goal and now be even farther away. I started over two years ago at 205 pounds and got down to 144-146 which I was able to maintain through a VLCD. Except now I'm wondering if I really was VLCD - I was calculating calories on my own, averaging around 1500-1600, and going by what the machine said I burned, which was 600-700 a session, but these were all just estimates. Maybe I was eating much more and burning much less than I thought and that is how my weight stayed steady. Maybe I was never VLCD at all. When I was doing this, I never binged. I just ate what I ate and it was always about 1600ish calories.

This changed when I got stress fractures in my feet last August and was in a cast/boot for 3 months. During that time I hit an all-time low of 133. I'm 5'10" and 133 didn't look good on me - but wearing such small clothing sizes did. I didn't go to the gym at all between August and December. I gained some weight over the holidays and started back at the gym in January around 140 pounds. I've been steadily increasing since. And now I'm at a number I haven't seen in over a year. I feel like a failure. I feel like there isn't a point to this. I don't strength train because I don't know how and I'm afraid to do it but not do it correctly, so all I do is cardio. I push myself to the edge each workout but I never feel like I'm doing enough.

& now, since resetting, I can't even do this right. I binge, and I binge much more than is seen on my diary - and although there are days I'm right at 2655, there are days when I KNOW I'm in the 3000's. And then I wonder why my clothes don't fit? This week we moved, and I spent all day Monday and yesterday going up and down stairs carrying boxes. Yesterday I was a complete carb monster and could not eat enough. I stopped logging but had two more snacks late last night - a Larabar, some mixed nuts, some peanut butter - all high calorie, high fat items. Why do I do this when my TDEE is so high? How can my body feel like 2655 isn't enough? It's like I can't stop myself. I'm not hungry, I'm not emotional, my body just feels like it needs to eat and eat and eat. When I was maintaining at 144-146, I never did this. I was eating 1000 less calories then but never felt the compulsion to eat like I do now. How does this make sense?

How much damage have I done to myself? What am I going to do when I finally work up the nerve to weigh myself and see 160+ on the scale? I'm going home at the end of the month to see family I haven't seen in months - and last time I saw them I was in the 140s. They're going to look at me and think, 'yep, there she goes... right back to where she started at. I knew she couldn't keep it off.' It's July 11 and I'm going home the 28. That's a little over two weeks to fix things. It cannot be done.

Sorry for the rambling post. I am just so depressed and so down on myself about all of this. Even with eating so much I have no energy. Can anyone help me? Am I doing it all wrong? I don't have a BMF or HRM so I base everything on the machines. Should I only be at 'moderate' activity? I used to work out 7x a week but was starting to get burnt out, so I started taking 1 rest day a week, and then 2.

I didn't want to change my calorie level because I wanted to be consistent through the whole 8 week reset. Have all the days I've exceeded TDEE ruined my consistency? Do I need to do a full 8 weeks at JUST 2655 for the reset to really work?

TripleJ3

You sound like me! Week 5-6 are really hard ones! I loved EM2WL until that point and kept wanting to quit, but since I am not a quitter and am a woman of my word I am still finishing this to the "end". I started week 8 on Sunday and I almost don't want to and not because of the calories. Once I busted through and into week 7something changed.

Well, I did stop running and lower my TDEE at the start of week 6. My TDEE was 2673 and now its 2643 at moderate level. I will still run the Bix, but my heart wasn't in it anymore and I wasn't getting any joy from running. It was more of just a chore. For all my dieting life I have busted my butt to cardio and convinced myself I loved it. part of me does but now that I relax and rest more and don't have to do it, I like that, too!

I was worried I would screw up my rest but so far all it has done is given me many positive changes. Going down in calories wasn't that hard. I was having a hard time filling my day with healthy choices and was eating more and more junk and couldn't get my macros decent. I like having room for stuff but I like eating healthy first. Its so much easier to manage now which has helped my mindset a lot!

I still do tend to say, oh Ill just have a couple, a bite a lick and end up far more than that. I can't imagine why 2700 plus cals wasn't enough but my body would be hungry for more. I just over ate a few days in week 7 also but I handled it better this time. I think with me, I will have days like that and I am learning to accept it. It does pass but I don't weigh myself so I couldn't tell you if I added anymore scale weight on.

Just bust through it knowing you are not alone and it will get better. :flowerforyou:

bethad5

i'm just chiming in to ask about how many cals were you eating when you got down to 133? i am assuming you weren't very active at that point, but am curious if you were still eating at/around 1600.

...you got this...

I didn't log on MFP, but kept track on pen and paper. I usually ate around 1800, sometimes up to 2000. My only exercise at that time was walking to and from class and work (anywhere from 4-ish miles to 7 miles round trip). So I was still getting a bit of exercise, just not running. Part of me wishes I had just continued doing that - I didn't start gaining weight again until I started back at the gym & started back into cardio. I also didn't binge at all until going back to the gym after 4 months off.

bethad5

I was worried I would screw up my rest but so far all it has done is given me many positive changes. Going down in calories wasn't that hard. I was having a hard time filling my day with healthy choices and was eating more and more junk and couldn't get my macros decent. I like having room for stuff but I like eating healthy first. Its so much easier to manage now which has helped my mindset a lot!

I still do tend to say, oh Ill just have a couple, a bite a lick and end up far more than that. I can't imagine why 2700 plus cals wasn't enough but my body would be hungry for more. I just over ate a few days in week 7 also but I handled it better this time. I think with me, I will have days like that and I am learning to accept it. It does pass but I don't weigh myself so I couldn't tell you if I added anymore scale weight on.

I kind of had a small epiphany just now - I ate breakfast a couple hours ago and just made my overnight oats for morning. And I ate the bowl, meaning I've in essence had 2 bowls of oatmeal today. But instead of feeling bad about it, or feeling guilty for eating it, I actually put some thought into it. I had a lick of the spoon and thought it tasted good. I mixed it together (minus the milk) and it was a dough-like consistency so I had a bite of it, and again, thought it tasted good. So I had another. And then I thought to myself, 'you have 2600 calories to work with...if you want to eat this, you can make it work. You can fit it in.'

It sounds so simple and I don't know why I didn't realize it until now. I ate the bowl. I have over 1700 calories left for the day. So what's the big deal?

(this, of course, is how I feel right now. Give me ten minutes and I'll be back to feeling shameful again. I was unpacking yesterday and found the scale and hurriedly shoved it under the bathroom sink like it was on fire. It is insane how petrified I am of an inanimate object. I haven't worn 'normal clothes' since Friday because we've been moving, so I've been living in workout clothes/pajamas. I actually have to go in public today so I have to put on real clothes which will be a test....)

Zylayna

It's extremely common to gain weight initially after starting to exercise. It's usually a combination of water retention and muscle being built. I've read that it can take up to a month before some people will start to see results of losses from working out. Hang in there. I know I just messaged a friend that I was slightly frustrated that while some people seem capable of trading fat for muscle during a reset (thereby losing inches) all I seem to be able to do is put the muscle on UNDER the fat....but that is my body and how it works. It will hopefully start releasing the fat at cut to show off some of that muscle I can FEEL under my skin now when I move. (I'm doing a full reset...almost done!)

Also, great epiphany! It's normal to bounce back and forth between the guilt and the release at first....our minds need to heal during this process just as much as our bodies. If you don't already, I highly recommend that you plan your day in advance in your diary (allow yourself the freedom to adjust a little of course). Planning ahead really helps take some of the stress out of the day, keeps you from going over or under on calories, gives you choices and helps you meet your macros better.

Keep working at it! It's a process with many new things to learn! You're getting there!

littlepinkhearts

Here's a link to a weight-lifting site I still use and have been using for a while. It has pics haha http://health.howstuffworks.com/wellness/diet-fitness/information/weight-lifting-for-women7.htm

hope you find it usefull and hang in there :flowerforyou: