IF they didnt like me before Mentality
Myslissa
Posts: 760 Member
I have heard so many people say that if so and so didnt want to date me while I was fat, they cant have me now.
Do you agree with this?
My opinion is, I didnt like me when i was fat so I am changing it.
So, Why would I expect different from others?
Do you agree with this?
My opinion is, I didnt like me when i was fat so I am changing it.
So, Why would I expect different from others?
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Replies
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I personally think it's a defense mechanism. Sort of mentally flaunting the idea that someday I'll be so great that you'll want me. I can't wait for that day to get here so I can demean you as much as I feel demeaned because you don't want me now. In all reality, one of the reasons I wanted to lose weight was to be more physically attractive. I venture to guess that most women didn't find me attractive at 465 lbs. More find me attractive now and even more will find me attractive after I lose another 50 lbs. I don't see why I should disqualify someone because I met them 4 years ago instead of last month. I also don't see a reason to disqualify someone who I met last week bacause that meeting didn't take place in 6 months to a year.0
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For me it's the thing that I was the same person, maybe not as active due to my back injury, but I was still funny, charming, intelligent, and good at eating glazed donuts (sorry, not letting that one go so easily). So the fact that they didn't want me because I was fat means that as a person with a better physique and mostly the same personality they shouldn't want me now. It's not a demeaning thing, it's just a respect thing. I respect myself enough to not be with someone who couldn't accept me for who I was no matter what.0
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I am going to repost what I wrote in another post about who we are intrested in.The people I am interested in really hasn't changed but the people that are interested in me has grown 10 fold. I was never asked out or hit on while I was heavy. I had 1 date in over 10 years. Am I saying it is all because I was heavy, no. I was unhappy with my life and not active. Now I am happy with my life, active, more out going, ect. Combine that with being average size and it is a lot more appealing to men.
I changed more about myself then just my weight so I wouldn't have wanted to date me when I was heavy either. I have a lot of friends that say I smile more and just seem to be a happier person now.0 -
I changed more about myself then just my weight so I wouldn't have wanted to date me when I was heavy either. I have a lot of friends that say I smile more and just seem to be a happier person now.
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I agree...we sometimes change more than we realize.0 -
I don't agree with it..if its a man that is fit and active and has interest in staying healthy I can totally see why he wouldn't have dated me when I was morbidly obese. I however would feel that a couch potato who wanted to date me know it would be because of superficial reasons.0
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Im not sure if I would date a specific guy who ruled me out soley because of my weight. But like MM said, I was a completely different person when I was 60lbs heavier and definitely not only physically speaking. I was unhappy, angry, insecure, inactive,... Who would want to date that?
I also accept the fact that no matter what anybody says, being physically attractive to the opposite sex does matter. Yes there are men into heavier girls (just like there are men into only blondes) but from my experience thus far, majority of guys aren't. I accept the fact that the guys I've gone out with ago far would most likely have not gone out with me 60lbs ago. Is that shallow? No. Again.. I was a different person. I'm much more attractive now inside and out. I am happy. I smile so much more, dress up a lot more. I don't blame them for wanting me!
And I get much hotter guys now. Honestly, I like that part!!0 -
I think it's a pride issue. As much as I would like to say that I haven't changed after losing 50 lbs (over halfway now!!), I know that's not the case. I'm much more outgoing and happy (I do have my rough moments), and I can only imagine that the more I lose, the happier I will be. I'm not letting myself be interested in dating anyone right now, so I can't tell you how I feel. I imagine it will be harder than I think to date someone I've known for a while who expresses interest once I get to goal weight and put myself out there again.0
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Havent really had this issue... I've met new guys since I lost weight. the guys I've always hung with dont see me any differently0
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I do and I don't agree with that kind of thinking because half the time I don't like me that's why I'm trying to change ... if they didn't like me before they wont like me now because I'm an *kitten* but that's a whole different story0
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Idealistically, yes. Realistically, no. As our bodies and overall health changes, so does our mentality about life. In many ways we're the same person and would like that acknowledged (ideal) but in other respects we are also very different than we once were (realistic).0
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I've been a yo yo all my life but my personality is consistent at any weight. I've never been morbidly obese though, so perhaps there is a line where I would become unhappy and miserable with myself, I dunno!
But, yeah, my attitude is: love me now, love me then, love me in the future. My weight is irrelevant in the scheme of things.
If you're saying that you are a different person fat, than you are slim, then I can understand that the attraction will/might differ. But if weight is the only variable, then no. :flowerforyou:0 -
More than my weight is changing. I wouldn't have gone near me either before, and frankly, I still wouldn't now.
But when I hit about 145 and I'm fit and active, then if someone thinks I'm too big, I wouldn't want him after I hit the 120s because 145 is the top of my normal and healthy range when I'm in shape.0 -
A convenient excuse to not date a person one doesn`t want to.
If you wanted to be with them you wouldn`t care what they thought when as a person you were different.0 -
A convenient excuse to not date a person one doesn`t want to.
If you wanted to be with them you wouldn`t care what they thought when as a person you were different.
DING DING DING^^^^ and again Carl nails it...0 -
When I look at someone who lost a lot of weight and hasn’t been fit for very long, I do try to look past that to where they were over the last few years. Would I have liked them fat? Would I like their personality if they didn't have the current six-pack? So many people work hard and lose weight only to regain it again. So I don’t just judge by where they are now. I look at the long-term pattern and whether they’re really addressed the contributing factors. I’ve always liked a stockier guy, but am not interested in dating one who will be comatose in 10 years when the thrill of losing weight has worn off.0
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I had this guy who liked me after knowing me for three years, and one of my best friends thought it was weird that after all this time he had gotten a crush on me. She didn't say it, but I thought it was probably because I've lost some weight. He's a beanpole, so I understand why he wouldn't want to date a bigger girl before, but it made me really self-conscious that he might not like me if I gained weight. It wasn't the breaking point for me, but it definitely played a role.0
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This question is always difficult for me. I get what people who were morbidly obese because they used food to hide from not liking themselves…but that’s not me, and it’s not most of my friends. I’m currently at the weight I was in high school. Lost some as a grad student. Gained it with pregnancies and surgeries. Lost a LOT to please my ex, gained it and then some when he said goodbye. My weight spiked at various times, but my “normal adult weight” has always been about 10-15 pounds of where I graduated from college.
And even in that small range, I notice that when I’m in the 150s/160s (where I am now) I get lots of male attention. Put on 10-15 pounds and that attention drops off significantly. But there’s no significant change in my personality, so yeah, that bothers me a little bit.
OTOH, there are quite a few guys I’d go out with now that I wouldn’t have considered 200lbs ago. Is that hypocritical? Maybe it is…but that’s how I feel.0 -
When I look at someone who lost a lot of weight and hasn’t been fit for very long, I do try to look past that to where they were over the last few years. Would I have liked them fat? Would I like their personality if they didn't have the current six-pack? So many people work hard and lose weight only to regain it again. So I don’t just judge by where they are now. I look at the long-term pattern and whether they’re really addressed the contributing factors. I’ve always liked a stockier guy, but am not interested in dating one who will be comatose in 10 years when the thrill of losing weight has worn off.
Trust me, there isn't a crystal ball that can tell you if a man will comatose after 40!! Nothing to do with weight, slim men are just as likely!!
ETA: Obviously no offence to the active guys on MFP over 40 :flowerforyou:0 -
I'm a bit torn on this one. I don't think my essential personality is particularly influenced by my weight-du-jour, so on the one hand, I agree absolutely, on the basis that if someone who has known me for a while without being romantically interested suddenly begins to express an interest when I lose weight, then either they're not really interested in me as a person, but only as a physical being, or they are so self-conscious about being seen in public with someone who doesn't make them look good, in the eyes of the world, that they're not going to be good for me, either in the short or long run.
What happens, in this scenario, if in the long-run I gain some or all of the weight back, say through pregnancy? Do they suddenly decide that they don't like me romantically after all? Or if me making them look 'good' is so important that they want to control the clothes I wear, my professional decisions, what I am 'allowed' to eat etc...? In which case, do I have the self-confidence to stand up to them, or to walk away? Someone who already knows me, but is more interested in how I measure up to societal standards of appearance than who I am is always going to be a higher-risk proposition in a romantic relationship. Everyone gets old eventually, bodies change, faces change, priorities alter.
On the other hand, I do agree that physical attraction is important in a relationship, so under certain circumstances, particularly with people who don't know you well before the weight loss, I guess I'd be saying don't write them off - perhaps just proceed with caution!0 -
Think of it this way...just about every lady will and have said bad teeth are an absolute deal breaker.
Mine are crooked and I hate them so am now in the long and expensive process of getting them fixed.
It is not to be more appealing as much as it is to keep what I have left and have a better quality of life.
If as a result I look better then great.
Would anyone tell me I was right if I said "You didn`t want anything to do with me when I had crooked teeth so don`t talk to me now that I don`t".
Of course not.
It is the same thing outside of the politically sensitive issue of weight so no one would even think it.0 -
Would anyone tell me I was right if I said "You didn`t want anything to do with me when I had crooked teeth so don`t talk to me now that I don`t".
Of course not.
It is the same thing outside of the politically sensitive issue of weight so no one would even think it.
Ummm, actually, I might. If someone had indicated that their lack of interest in you was because of your teeth (which can be fixed, and are rather less changeable once 'fixed' than someone's weight, as well as being less immediately visible than a whole body!), but then suddenly indicated an interest as soon as the teeth were changed, I'd probably be saying you were absolutely right.
I think most of the women here would agree that bad teeth might put us off initially, but that if we really liked the man in question we'd either put up with/learn to ignore it, or encourage him to get them fixed once we were close enough for the suggestion to be made without offence. Maybe that's just me, though, living in the UK/Europe where a bright white, perfectly-even set of teeth is less of an automatic assumption than a genetic lottery win! Specifics aside, though, I'd still have the same worries about the genuine-ness/durability of the interest if something visual and so relatively unimportant was the fulcrum on which physical attraction turned.0 -
Would anyone tell me I was right if I said "You didn`t want anything to do with me when I had crooked teeth so don`t talk to me now that I don`t".
Of course not.
It is the same thing outside of the politically sensitive issue of weight so no one would even think it.
Ummm, actually, I might. If someone had indicated that their lack of interest in you was because of your teeth (which can be fixed, and are rather less changeable once 'fixed' than someone's weight, as well as being less immediately visible than a whole body!), but then suddenly indicated an interest as soon as the teeth were changed, I'd probably be saying you were absolutely right.
I think most of the women here would agree that bad teeth might put us off initially, but that if we really liked the man in question we'd either put up with/learn to ignore it, or encourage him to get them fixed once we were close enough for the suggestion to be made without offence. Maybe that's just me, though, living in the UK/Europe where a bright white, perfectly-even set of teeth is less of an automatic assumption than a genetic lottery win! Specifics aside, though, I'd still have the same worries about the genuine-ness/durability of the interest if something visual and so relatively unimportant was the fulcrum on which physical attraction turned.
Perhaps I have read them wrong but when listing deal breakers (I assume that means what it says,no possible interest) it is almost always one that ladies mention as is being fit and healthy.
Take it for what it is worth I guess.0 -
Perhaps I have read them wrong but when listing deal breakers (I assume that means what it says,no possible interest) it is almost always one that ladies mention as is being fit and healthy.
Take it for what it is worth I guess.
Fair enough. I do think (hope!) though that some of the things people list here as 'deal breakers' are really things they would be less likely to find attractive, or would prefer the opposite of. Most of my true 'deal-breakers' are much less tangible than bad teeth or excess weight - dishonesty, for example.0 -
I probably wouldn't care. I know back when I was fatter it was mainly just because I was lazy, and the girls I was going after were all in shape and pretty active, if I was them I wouldn't have wanted to date me either.0
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A convenient excuse to not date a person one doesn`t want to.
If you wanted to be with them you wouldn`t care what they thought when as a person you were different.
I don't see it as an excuse. I've known a few men who liked their women so bone skinny they shouldn't date anyone who isn't naturally that way. They're a rare bunch, but I wouldn't want to date one of those even at the lowest end of my weight when I know fluctuating just 10 pounds might freak him out.
Plus, having been overweight and having had a kid, if a guy is only happy seeing ribs, tiny boobs, and a washboard belly, he won't get that if he's with me. I also wouldn't want to date a man who likes me at this weight, no way am I staying here, and what happens if he's less attracted to me when I'm thinner?0 -
I see it as a great way to detect an incompatible personality. Any woman with that mentality is not someone I would want to date anyway. I want to be physically attracted to a partner, if she can't handle that fact because she's egotistical, then it's her loss, not mine.
I don't expect people who aren't attracted to me to date me just because I'm awesome.0 -
This.I am going to repost what I wrote in another post about who we are intrested in.
I changed more about myself then just my weight so I wouldn't have wanted to date me when I was heavy either. I have a lot of friends that say I smile more and just seem to be a happier person now.The people I am interested in really hasn't changed but the people that are interested in me has grown 10 fold. I was never asked out or hit on while I was heavy. I had 1 date in over 10 years. Am I saying it is all because I was heavy, no. I was unhappy with my life and not active. Now I am happy with my life, active, more out going, ect. Combine that with being average size and it is a lot more appealing to men.
And to the rest of the people for who physical aspect of things should not matter, and they should be loved solely for their amazing personality... I laugh at your foolishness.
I know a hobo, and even though he *kitten* stinks and has got diseases and is full of spot that release puss all the time, he has got an amazing personality. Don't get too wet please. Where you set the physical line is up to you, not up to me, after all.
We don't just hang around with brains. If you're not attracted physically, you're not attracted physically.
Why is physical attraction considered a lesser/shameful kind of attraction? Can anyone reply to that?
And please, oh please, complaining about this is the best way of attracting the kind of bullcrap *YOU* don't want to hear: "No, I'm not ready for a relationship yet!" => you're fat, but at least you're not offended and I still have a chance 10 years down the line if you ever become hot - thanks for the heads up.
Your punishment for this silliness should be to hear all men tell you they are not ready for a relationship, forever, and never know what is true or not.0 -
Why is physical attraction considered a lesser/shameful kind of attraction? Can anyone reply to that?
I think because physical appearance is inherently transient. Someone's physical appearance will change, unless they're Dorian Gray and have a portrait in the attic that changes instead, come what may, and no plastic surgeon, however brilliant, has ever been, or is likely ever to be, able to completely convincingly re-create the bloom of youth. We are all going to get older, and few of us, let's be honest, are going to get better-looking as we get older. The fundamentals of someone's personality and character are far more likely to remain fixed, or undergo less change as we age. A person whose mind/personality/whatever you want to call it is compatible now is likely to still be compatible in the long term, whereas you can pretty much guarantee that the physical things you find attractive in someone will change, and in all likelihood, not for the better.
As a society, we prize monogamous, long-term relationships above all others. It's logical therefore that we consider attraction based on things that are likely to endure - personality, character, intellect - more valuable than attraction based purely on physical attributes that will certainly alter with age. Physical attraction is fine as a basis for something short-term and I agree that it's a necessary part of a romantic relationship, but a part only, as it is unlikely to remain sufficient to sustain a relationship into our increasingly-long geriatric years, which is what most of us, societally-conditioned or evolutionarily-programmed as we may be, want.
I remember I once asked my grandmother how she'd chosen my grandfather to marry, and her reply was illuminating on this subject. Without much need to think about it, she said :He was great fun to be with, I trusted him always to be honourable, we always had lots to talk about, he respected me, and he had lovely, kind blue eyes. They were married 72 years. For me, that speaks for itself.0 -
I've known a few men who liked their women so bone skinny they shouldn't date anyone who isn't naturally that way. They're a rare bunch, but I wouldn't want to date one of those even at the lowest end of my weight when I know fluctuating just 10 pounds might freak him out.
I feel the same way. A guy had in his dating profile if you’re bigger than average don’t email me. I didn’t get mad, I was glad not to waste my time.
I don't fault a guy for being attracted to the skinny-skinny girl, but I do get frustrated when that guy complains he can't get a date without acknowledging that his preference is part of the problem. And I know this from experience, as I am more attracted to white or light-skinned guys and few of those are actually interested in taking a black girl home to momma.
Even though that’s my preference, I won’t kick an ebony brotha to the curb, though, because my desire isn’t just about physical attraction. And most black guys think I’m smoking hot, even when I was heavier (and a partner thinking I’m hot actually makes me more attracted to him)! But I rarely find men who say, “well, I’m really attracted to skinny brunettes, but I’ll think about marrying this fat blonde chick because she has a great personality.” Sleep with, yes. Marry, no.0 -
This.I am going to repost what I wrote in another post about who we are intrested in.
I changed more about myself then just my weight so I wouldn't have wanted to date me when I was heavy either. I have a lot of friends that say I smile more and just seem to be a happier person now.The people I am interested in really hasn't changed but the people that are interested in me has grown 10 fold. I was never asked out or hit on while I was heavy. I had 1 date in over 10 years. Am I saying it is all because I was heavy, no. I was unhappy with my life and not active. Now I am happy with my life, active, more out going, ect. Combine that with being average size and it is a lot more appealing to men.
And to the rest of the people for who physical aspect of things should not matter, and they should be loved solely for their amazing personality... I laugh at your foolishness.
I know a hobo, and even though he *kitten* stinks and has got diseases and is full of spot that release puss all the time, he has got an amazing personality. Don't get too wet please. Where you set the physical line is up to you, not up to me, after all.
We don't just hang around with brains. If you're not attracted physically, you're not attracted physically.
Why is physical attraction considered a lesser/shameful kind of attraction? Can anyone reply to that?
And please, oh please, complaining about this is the best way of attracting the kind of bullcrap *YOU* don't want to hear: "No, I'm not ready for a relationship yet!" => you're fat, but at least you're not offended and I still have a chance 10 years down the line if you ever become hot - thanks for the heads up.
Your punishment for this silliness should be to hear all men tell you they are not ready for a relationship, forever, and never know what is true or not.
Florian, nobody's talking about 'physical attraction' per se!! We're JUST talking about WEIGHT!!!
So, assuming you're attracted to someone cos they are pretty, smell nice, make you laugh, nice teeth, kind, generous, no puss (ffs!!! lol)............etc BUT they are on the chubby side of average, are you going to say "I would fancy you if you were thinner" ??
Also, assuming you marry someone for all their attributes and over the years they put on weight, are you going to leave them??
IOW, does fat make that much difference??
Just fat - not teeth or hygiene or looks or anything else!!! :laugh:Why is physical attraction considered a lesser/shameful kind of attraction? Can anyone reply to that?
It's not!! I think you've got the wrong end of the stick. However, if weight is your be all and end all to attraction, then you've got the right end.........:huh:
Thankfully, everyone has their own attract-0-meter!! 0
