When to speak up?

Gilbrod

One name. Sandusky.

rml_16

I would absolutely tell.

You say you know it for sure and then say you might be wrong. Which is it? Do you know it or not? If you know it, tell. If not, then you need to find out what happened.

nehtaeh

Always call. Always err on the side of caution for the kids. If I suspected something I would not hesitate to call CPS. They are there for a reason. They will investigate and they also cannot tell any information of the caller.

This just makes me sad.

SwannySez

I'll be the devil's advocate here.

In my situation, a relative who is about 7 years older than me, who I know molested at least two if not 3 young children in my family, is being very suspicious.

You know this. there was an investigation which proved this, or you have simply heard through the family that this happened?

The family things happend 15-18 years ago, but he has consistantly been "close" to young, elementary aged kids at the Christian school I attended.

If in reference to the previous question, if there was an investigation and he was convicted of crimes against children how is he now in a position where he is constantly close to children? I find this confusing to say the least. If there was not, and he has been in such a position for the 15-18 years since and there has been no accustations of runors since, it's curious. Particularly since pedophiles, as mentioned elsewhere, have a very high rate of recidivism.

His baby sister didn't speak for the first 5 years of her life when he lived at home, I'm convinced this has something to do with him abusing her. She is now 15 and has never said anything about it.

Because there could be no other reason whatsoever for a child to start speaking late.

His neighbor, who also works with me, came into my office and asked me about him. She said someone told her to keep her kids away.

Whom was this someone and what exactly did they tell her? Are there more rumors/allegations about him aside from those within your family?

He recently met a young, single mother online and has change two of his cover photos to photos of her two young kids that he has never met! I find this to be creepy, considering what it know.

Or he might find the picture cute or a million other possibilities, but you are going with it being colored by what you "know".

Now do I mind my business or warn the mother? I have no evidence against him, other than wht happened 18 years ago. And of course, accusing an innocent person of child molesting has serious consequences. It could destoy his life/career if I'm wrong and tear apart my family.

Would you say something or leave it alone?

It's pretty clear that you believe this woman's children are in danger. I think you should take some action if you think that is true. Perhaps as Evan suggested. But you should accept that if you are wrong, there will quite possibly be unpleasant consequences for you and all around.

When I was growing up we had a priest as a family friend. One of my brothers once made a joke about him. He said, "Oh, if I screw up in mass he'll make me do pushups with my shirt off."

As kids, my father had us do pushups and situps every morning and every night and often as punishment for things. The Priest was a frequent guest at family gatehrings and as such had been around one time when one of my brothers had gotten in trouble and was doing some pushups and he commented on how strong he was. My brother had his shirt off at the time. My other brothers, keying off the fact that priests were celibate - and thus either aliens or *shudder* the gaysss - took this and ran with it that Father had a cruish on him. It became a joke among my brothers based on this single instance.

Based upon nothing more than overhearing this kind of joking, some members of my family became convinced that the priest was molesting altar boys. Despite my brothers' protestations to the contrary and the explanations proferred, word spread like wildfire and the priest was tried and convicted in the court of public opinion. He ended up having to leave the parish.

There was never a single allegation formally made against him and never a hint of controversy before or after. But in that town, he's known far and wide as a child molester.

So perhaps, I am a bit biased as well.

DavetheHYNIC

When a child or children are involved caution should be thrown to the wind. I would confront him and would demand that he inform the mother of the children of his past or let him know I was going to do it .

fbmandy55

I'll be the devil's advocate here.

In my situation, a relative who is about 7 years older than me, who I know molested at least two if not 3 young children in my family, is being very suspicious.

You know this. there was an investigation which proved this, or you have simply heard through the family that this happened?

The family things happend 15-18 years ago, but he has consistantly been "close" to young, elementary aged kids at the Christian school I attended.

If in reference to the previous question, if there was an investigation and he was convicted of crimes against children how is he now in a position where he is constantly close to children? I find this confusing to say the least. If there was not, and he has been in such a position for the 15-18 years since and there has been no accustations of runors since, it's curious. Particularly since pedophiles, as mentioned elsewhere, have a very high rate of recidivism.

His baby sister didn't speak for the first 5 years of her life when he lived at home, I'm convinced this has something to do with him abusing her. She is now 15 and has never said anything about it.

Because there could be no other reason whatsoever for a child to start speaking late.

His neighbor, who also works with me, came into my office and asked me about him. She said someone told her to keep her kids away.

Whom was this someone and what exactly did they tell her? Are there more rumors/allegations about him aside from those within your family?

He recently met a young, single mother online and has change two of his cover photos to photos of her two young kids that he has never met! I find this to be creepy, considering what it know.

Or he might find the picture cute or a million other possibilities, but you are going with it being colored by what you "know".

Now do I mind my business or warn the mother? I have no evidence against him, other than wht happened 18 years ago. And of course, accusing an innocent person of child molesting has serious consequences. It could destoy his life/career if I'm wrong and tear apart my family.

Would you say something or leave it alone?

It's pretty clear that you believe this woman's children are in danger. I think you should take some action if you think that is true. Perhaps as Evan suggested. But you should accept that if you are wrong, there will quite possibly be unpleasant consequences for you and all around.

When I was growing up we had a priest as a family friend. One of my brothers once made a joke about him. He said, "Oh, if I screw up in mass he'll make me do pushups with my shirt off."

As kids, my father had us do pushups and situps every morning and every night and often as punishment for things. The Priest was a frequent guest at family gatehrings and as such had been around one time when one of my brothers had gotten in trouble and was doing some pushups and he commented on how strong he was. My brother had his shirt off at the time. My other brothers, keying off the fact that priests were celibate - and thus either aliens or *shudder* the gaysss - took this and ran with it that Father had a cruish on him. It became a joke among my brothers based on this single instance.

Based upon nothing more than overhearing this kind of joking, some members of my family became convinced that the priest was molesting altar boys. Despite my brothers' protestations to the contrary and the explanations proferred, word spread like wildfire and the priest was tried and convicted in the court of public opinion. He ended up having to leave the parish.

There was never a single allegation formally made against him and never a hint of controversy before or after. But in that town, he's known far and wide as a child molester.

So perhaps, I am a bit biased as well.

To answer most of your questions, I was present at the incidents that took place about 15 years ago, so I know for a fact they happened. He was a teenage babysitter. They were never reported to police and he has no criminal history whatsoever. It's one of those bad family things that everyone just wants to forget and move on.

I only believe that his sister never spoke until she was older because she was taken to doctors and speech therapists and none could find any reason, medically, for her to not speak. It was voluntary. To this day she is very quiet and sketchy. She struggles to build relationships with family or friends.

I totally feel like playing devils advocate with myself, as I think I may be biased about his present actions...

I did bring this up to my family this weekend. We are working on figuring out what to do...

SwannySez

If I may ask, how old was he at the time and how old were the two, if not three, young children mentioned?

fbmandy55

If I may ask, how old was he at the time and how old were the two, if not three, young children mentioned?

He was 15, kids were 7 and 5-ish.. somewhere along those lines.

elmarko123

Quick question.

You said it happened before?, so definitive proof exists that this person had done it in the past & this is an established fact?.

If so, then I think you are OK to warn the other person.

It's not like it's a random accusation against an innocent person (if they have done it before) - I'd be very strongly against it if the person had no history at all (as you may be ruining an innocent persons life) - but if they have done it before, technically they are not innocent.

If they certainly 100% did it in the past, I don't believe you have much (morally) to worry about warning them - it's not like it's a baseless random accusation - but the 100% certain thing is a must ^.

fbmandy55

Quick question.

You said it happened before?, so definitive proof exists that this person had done it in the past & this is an established fact?.

If so, then I think you are OK to warn the other person.

It's not like it's a random accusation against an innocent person (if they have done it before) - I'd be very strongly against it if the person had no history at all (as you may be ruining an innocent persons life) - but if they have done it before, technically they are not innocent.

If they certainly 100% did it in the past, I don't believe you have much (morally) to worry about warning them - it's not like it's a baseless random accusation - but the 100% certain thing is a must ^.

Would you take into consideration the person was a teen/minor when the previous incidents happened and now is a 30 year old man?

vim_n_vigor

SAY SOMETHING!

vim_n_vigor

Quick question.

You said it happened before?, so definitive proof exists that this person had done it in the past & this is an established fact?.

If so, then I think you are OK to warn the other person.

It's not like it's a random accusation against an innocent person (if they have done it before) - I'd be very strongly against it if the person had no history at all (as you may be ruining an innocent persons life) - but if they have done it before, technically they are not innocent.

If they certainly 100% did it in the past, I don't believe you have much (morally) to worry about warning them - it's not like it's a baseless random accusation - but the 100% certain thing is a must ^.

Would you take into consideration the person was a teen/minor when the previous incidents happened and now is a 30 year old man?

No, I would say something. A history is a history and he is acting suspicious already.

elmarko123

Quick question.

You said it happened before?, so definitive proof exists that this person had done it in the past & this is an established fact?.

If so, then I think you are OK to warn the other person.

It's not like it's a random accusation against an innocent person (if they have done it before) - I'd be very strongly against it if the person had no history at all (as you may be ruining an innocent persons life) - but if they have done it before, technically they are not innocent.

If they certainly 100% did it in the past, I don't believe you have much (morally) to worry about warning them - it's not like it's a baseless random accusation - but the 100% certain thing is a must ^.

Would you take into consideration the person was a teen/minor when the previous incidents happened and now is a 30 year old man?

"previous incidents" plural, implying not a one off.

While people do change, if you genuinely think something is going on - then you should say something - you don't have go all public, just speak to the relevant authorities.

I'd assume they would question the children & find out if anything is going on, but I don't think you would be suspecting something for no reason.

While they may have young when they did it, it does indicate they are a disturbed individual - one thing that's worth remembering - children who abuse other children are also very often the victims of abuse themselves (statistically speaking) - while it may not be the case for him, it's worth considering & tempering any anger you may feel & focusing it into finding out the truth & simply doing what's best for the children.

Keep it on the low, involve the people who need to know & keep it at that - mob justice won't help.

AlsDonkBoxSquat

As a person who was molested as a child and whose molestor was a female family member's second husband who also molested her children, I would say tell her. Tell her, tell her, scream it from the roof tops and tell her. If he's mad at you for telling because she leaves him, that's a small price to pay for potentially saving 2 innocent children the lifetime of pain and suffering I've endured.

DoingItNow2012

Quick question.

You said it happened before?, so definitive proof exists that this person had done it in the past & this is an established fact?.

If so, then I think you are OK to warn the other person.

It's not like it's a random accusation against an innocent person (if they have done it before) - I'd be very strongly against it if the person had no history at all (as you may be ruining an innocent persons life) - but if they have done it before, technically they are not innocent.

If they certainly 100% did it in the past, I don't believe you have much (morally) to worry about warning them - it's not like it's a baseless random accusation - but the 100% certain thing is a must ^.

Would you take into consideration the person was a teen/minor when the previous incidents happened and now is a 30 year old man?

If you think that matters then say, the incidents I know of for sure occurred when he was 15, since then there have been questions, but I have no first hand knowledge." once you have said something it's up to them. Mandy, at the very least call the 1 800 number and let them advise you. This is said in the least offensive way possible, but I don't know if a family decision on how to handle it is the best. It was swept under the rug before when you were an eye witness. Unless everyone's views have changed I don't see how they act on a gut reaction. Again, I am a big proponent of trusting your gut. And an objective.opinion/advise might be best in this situation. You are getting plenty here by the way.

brandiuntz

Going to join in with everyone that says to at least call CPS. Speak up. You know he's abused before. All the other suspicions don't really matter, you know he abused before. Speak up for those kids' sake.

fbmandy55

Well It is now being looked into. So thank you all for your advice, I feel like there is a lot of weight off my chest but anxiety is setting in... To make matters more complicated, he proposed to the girlfriend this weekend! :grumble: