Small town,rural meeting people woes.

Carl01

DM posted this in another thread and leads me into something I have noticed here.

Geography seems to be coming up in relation to other things that are common experiences for singles. It's not simple. Depending on the context, it does and does not matter.

From my experience, I don't think that small towns and suburbs are conducive to singles and what a single person needs to successfully find someone for a long term relationship. There are exceptions (for example, if you are college aged and attend a college with many other singles in a small town college and there are other exceptions as well), but if you're done with education and going about your life, small towns and the suburbs make it more difficult to be in a position to find someone. Small towns and suburbs are geared more towards established family structures.

Men pick, women choose. So if a man is having issues in finding what he wants, he's not picking the right women to approach given what he wants. Or maybe he doesn't know what he wants and needs to clarify that. I am speaking in the most general terms I can. As for women, it does come down to make the choice as to who the best man is going to be based upon what she wants. Also, the inherent characteristics of a woman influence the choice. A 22 year old woman with no kids and an amazing body is going to be able to have a wider range of choices than a 40 year old with two kids, baggage from an ex husband and needing to lose 25 lbs.

Someone disappears from online dating (or dating as a whole) because they've found someone else more aligned with them than you are. It happens to all of us. But it is a chance to evaluate where things stand and refine your own personal processes in relation to your goals.

Happy dating!

What I have observed is that when relationships or marriages end it seems as though both men and women quickly gravitate towards someone who has also just experienced the same.
Pretty much if you are a never married (me) or it has been years since a divorce/separation you are eliminated from the pool.
Hence that seeming cloud of invisibility I mentioned before where people break up with someone and almost instantly take up with another who also just broke up while I was standing there available all the time but never given a look.

Wondering if anyone else out in the sticks has experienced the same?

I do realize that we all are responsible for our personalities and actions,am not talking about missing a known opportunity by sitting on the sidelines but when we never know it happened until after the fact.

Is it because there is a built in commiseration to each others recent heartaches or something else that tends to have people who have recently left a relationship take up with the same?

MaraDiaz

I'm not completely out in the sticks, but my city is fairly small and I've never thought the dating pool here was worth much. I feel the same way men do, I guess. I've never been married and would prefer a man who has never been married.

If he's 40 divorced, saddled with a couple of kids, and an ex, plus 100 extra pounds or otherwise not physically attractive, he's going to have to have some amazing qualities of intelligence and personality to make up for it, or I won't look twice. I'd rather be single than settle, and I don't blame anyone else for having the same standards. It does make it tough to find someone, though.

CharlieBarleyMom

Carl, you pose a pretty hefty question there. One that I believe may have some truth to it but my mind brings to light the differences between "recently single" and "longer-term singles" - recently singles are used to sharing their life with someone else right there all the time - so they go out more (in my mind). Longer-term singles (in my mind) have come to the resolution that they may be single for some time and they enjoy their own company, usually able to take care of the many chores by themselves and able to find complacency within themselves.

In my mind, this means that recently single folks are going to all head out to a bar (or other social gathering) - either to console themselves or to just be in the company of more folks, as they have become accustomed. Therefore, easier pickings.

Also, in my mind, longer-term singles stay home more because they've done the bar-scene and the party-scene and it just isn't happening for them.

Then there is the difference between recent-singles that don't believe they can live alone and recent-singles that need time to heal as well and recent-singles who NEVER want to be in a relationship again!... so there are definitely some caveats to all of this.

(of course, the longer-term single situation may just be me - I know that my friend who is recently-single feels the same way I do though!)

AZDizzy

Very interesting point regarding recently single vs. Long-term single. Interesting and sad for the latter...

r1ghtpath

i'm in a small town. surrounded by families and married people. heck, i moved here married with a family. the ONLY single people here are the ones that came with a family and then something happened to that family......

the only good thing, is that there are lots of small towns here, and single people because of similar situations ( divorce, death, etc). so, there are ways to meet people in a similar situation. you will randomly meet the person that is single and was never married with no kids. but, they are around.

you just have to be willing to drive and work on meeting these people. for me, most are about 30 or more min away, down long dark two lane roads........

i am divorced, 5 kids, with weight to lose. i work out and take care of myself and my kids and we have a lot of fun. i have met several men that were interested in dating ( relationship wise, like boyfriend/ girlfriend) and i tried it twice, but what i found is that i just don't have the patience :-) i deal with my house, animals, kids, stuff ALL DAY LONG. i bust my butt every single day and the last thing i want to deal with is drama or someone else's EX or stuff, or whatever. especially the pouty guys or demanding guys!!!!! ick!!

so, while i've tried, i have learned i'm just not that interested right now. keeping things online is JUUUUSSTTT fine by me right now ;-) it's about all i want to deal with, LOL!!!!

i dunno. maybe it's because i'm ok being alone? i don't mind my entertainment coming from MFP, LOL!!!!!

Prahasaurus

If he's 40 divorced, saddled with a couple of kids,

Saddled. LOL.

dbrightwell1270

I've sometimes thought I'd be considered a better prospect if I had been in a lousy marriage for a few years and could list my status as divorced. To some extent, marital status sends a signal. I've been asked before why I've never been married and it always had a probing feel to it. Like the underlying question was really, "I see you've never been married. Is that because you're a commitment phobe who will lead me on for a while then move on to the next woman, or is it because you are of such poor quality as a partner that no one in their right mind would keep you around?"

At some point I think being long term single is seen by the opposite sex in the same way that being chronically unemployed is seen by potential employers. It means lower quality.

Carl01

I've sometimes thought I'd be considered a better prospect if I had been in a lousy marriage for a few years and could list my status as divorced. To some extent, marital status sends a signal. I've been asked before why I've never been married and it always had a probing feel to it. Like the underlying question was really, "I see you've never been married. Is that because you're a commitment phobe who will lead me on for a while then move on to the next woman, or is it because you are of such poor quality as a partner that no one in their right mind would keep you around?"

At some point I think being long term single is seen by the opposite sex in the same way that being chronically unemployed is seen by potential employers. It means lower quality.

Pondering that too...the presumption something is wrong with you.

Moyzilla

^^^^^^^ This is what's currently depressing me. I've hit an age where it feels like I have to justify why I haven't been married. And that the reason better be a good one! It can feel like a strike against you sometimes.

DMZ_1

I've sometimes thought I'd be considered a better prospect if I had been in a lousy marriage for a few years and could list my status as divorced. To some extent, marital status sends a signal. I've been asked before why I've never been married and it always had a probing feel to it. Like the underlying question was really, "I see you've never been married. Is that because you're a commitment phobe who will lead me on for a while then move on to the next woman, or is it because you are of such poor quality as a partner that no one in their right mind would keep you around?"

At some point I think being long term single is seen by the opposite sex in the same way that being chronically unemployed is seen by potential employers. It means lower quality.

Pondering that too...the presumption something is wrong with you.

I see why you both think in the ways that you think. It makes sense.

I think that point for men comes around age 35 or so. In the past, I think the age cutoff would have been 30, but people are getting married for the first times later than ever. I think that even in this era of delayed marriage, there's an expectation that by age 35, a man should have married.

Divorced or even widowed with no kids is a marketable status to single women if you are a guy past 35. It does show you can make a commitment. I think there is a tendency for single women to wonder whether men past 35 are just players or just not worthwhile partners if they haven't been picked up. Being perceived as a player is a better perception than being perceived as an unworthy partner. Being a single father will restrict the dating pool for men and causes a host of issues (many women won't want to deal with the birth mother or kids that aren't their own), but it isn't as difficult of a status as being a single mother.

Many times, men can judge women in a similar fashion. Many men can perceive women over 30 who've never been married as single for a reason.

Carl01

Even though likely true it is hard not to let that grate on me.
The reasons I am single were much beyond my control other then making the choice to do what everyone would say is the right thing regarding taking care of parents that could not take care of themselves.

Will not go on about that because A) no one really cares and it doesn`t matter at this point.

Just is somewhat discouraging

NCTravellingGirl

I grew up in a small town. I graduated first in a class of 76 students, only 7 of which left to go to college. I stood out so severely that I felt I HAD to leave. I watch via Facebook the drama that so many of them experience daily and am grateful for the chances I've taken. I need the reminder sometimes that I am more fortunate than most, and yes, even being single can be a blessing!

That said, I know that being 36 and never married sends a message. I'm too smart for most men, was morbidly obese for most of my adult life, and quite honestly, socially awkward only in the sense of shyness/ not being willing to put myself out there for fear of rejection. I've worked hard to move past so much of that. I'm still technically obese but working on that too... so I have a reason for still being single at 36, and honestly, I feel like someone is lucky to meet someone like me WITHOUT all the baggage that so many my age have.

Admittedly, even though I fall into the same stereotype, I just said to a friend about a 35 year old, attractive, single male coworker, that there MUST be something wrong with him to have not gotten married by 35. I also recently did the same thing to someone I talked to on HERE, again mid-thirties never married. So we DO IT TO EACH OTHER, OMG! Is it any wonder there are so many awesome single people all wanting to share a life with someone yet we make this so much harder than necessary...

JanieJack

The reasons I am single were much beyond my control other then making the choice to do what everyone would say is the right thing regarding taking care of parents that could not take care of themselves.

Will not go on about that because A) no one really cares and it doesn`t matter at this point.

It doesn't matter, you're right, but we do care about what you're going through. And besides, making the choice to take care of your parents in an isolated location is a WHOLE lot different than "I just never met a woman good enough" after 50 years.

FWIW, a widower who really loved his wife and knows that he can have just as good (but not a competing) relationship wit another woman is a highly sought category amongst the older ladies at one of the churches I fellowship with

JanieJack

I just said to a friend about a 35 year old, attractive, single male coworker, that there MUST be something wrong with him to have not gotten married by 35. I also recently did the same thing to someone I talked to on HERE, again mid-thirties never married. So we DO IT TO EACH OTHER, OMG! Is it any wonder there are so many awesome single people all wanting to share a life with someone yet we make this so much harder than necessary...

The guy I went on a day trip today, struck me as a very manly (military) guy by day with a sensitive side off duty. We looked at historic towns and museums and it was a really nice time. I was kinda wondering why such a great guy would be single, and it occurred to me as we hung out that his military life left very little opportunity to share this side of himself with someone. He was unusual, not at all what you would expect. And I think his unique personality has more to do with it than anything. I wouldn't mind getting to know him some more.

SouthernSweetie74

I think we gravitate towards people with similar backgrounds and experiences because it just seems more comfortable. This time around (of being single) I tend to like men who have been married for longer than five years and who have had children. Why? 1. Because they have had similar struggles. 2. Because I can't have/don't want any more kids (someone who has never been married or doesn't have children might want children of their own.) 3. Because they generally can appreciate why my TV is usually turned to the Disney channel or Nickelodeon.

However, I don't disqualify anyone based on marital status, well, unless of course, he is still married.

Now... about Small town Rural America woes: it is so hard to meet people here. Everything does seem to be family oriented, even at my church. They have groups for married people, but there aren't enough singles to have a group. Most all of my friends are married. I think I have one friend who is not. She does online dating and meets people. But I've been online and seen what's near... and maybe I'm picky, but the dating pool in this area leaves much to be desired. For real! Most of the time, when I meet a decent man from online, we are at least an hour and a half or more apart. :frown: I think I need to move!

Daisy_Cutter

I've sometimes thought I'd be considered a better prospect if I had been in a lousy marriage for a few years and could list my status as divorced. To some extent, marital status sends a signal. I've been asked before why I've never been married and it always had a probing feel to it. Like the underlying question was really, "I see you've never been married. Is that because you're a commitment phobe who will lead me on for a while then move on to the next woman, or is it because you are of such poor quality as a partner that no one in their right mind would keep you around?"

At some point I think being long term single is seen by the opposite sex in the same way that being chronically unemployed is seen by potential employers. It means lower quality.

Pondering that too...the presumption something is wrong with you.

I'm going to be honest here. When I'm looking for someone I always look for someone that has had a long term relationship.... preferable longer than 5 years. I feel like people don't stick with relationships and a lot of men find an easy way out. So, that being said, yes, I prefer divorced me or those that had a very long relationship in the past. I'm not looking for someone that has commitment issues, will never marry, or will leave at the first time we have a bad patch. However, if I happen to meet someone...say like Carl... and his reason was VERY understandable, I'd be all over that man! There are always exceptions to the rule. I've just found a lot of perpetually single men can't commit or they leave quickly.

christine24t

Longer-term singles (in my mind) have come to the resolution that they may be single for some time and they enjoy their own company, usually able to take care of the many chores by themselves and able to find complacency within themselves.

This could be a whole separate topic, I think it is very interesting.

I've been single my whole life and anticipate being single for quite some time. In fact, I chose to go into the career I did because I knew I would be able to support myself with it. I knew I'd never meet anyone in college and get married at 22 and have kids by 25. I knew that wouldn't happen for me, so I chose a career that I can support myself with.

I enjoy my own company greatly, and always have. I know that while I might end up in a relationship or married, it also may never happen. At this point in my life, it would be great to be a relationship. But I'm not holding my breath or sitting here crying about it, so I have learned to do things by myself and take care of myself. I think it's a good mindset.

Back to the geography thing - yes, I think it lowers your number of dating partners. I loved going to school in a small town, but after a while there was no one new to meet.

At some point I think being long term single is seen by the opposite sex in the same way that being chronically unemployed is seen by potential employers. It means lower quality.

Sad, but true. I have friends who would make awesome girlfriends/boyfriends but just haven't gotten one yet - so I try not to judge because I know if they're awesome, there have to be others in this situation.

Carl01

A question that comes to mind is why does having been married but now divorced create a focus on one being willing to make a commitment rather then raising concern that perhaps they make very poor choices or were a poor spouse?

I am not casting a judgment on any one here that is divorced,just a general question as to why one would try to pick a positive out of it rather then wonder what went wrong and why.

SouthernSweetie74

A question that comes to mind is why does having been married but now divorced create a focus on one being willing to make a commitment rather then raising concern that perhaps they make very poor choices or were a poor spouse?

I am not casting a judgment on any one here that is divorced,just a general question as to why one would try to pick a positive out of it rather then wonder what went wrong and why.

Of course those questions always come to mind. And I can appreciate and admire those who have waited because of circumstances or because they are picky and not willing to settle for less than they deserve. Like I said earlier, I don't disqualify a man because he's never been married. However, I also want to find out why. Is it because he has focused on his career or taking care of parents or is it because he is a player and jumps in and out of bed with women, making no committment? But I have to admit, from MY experience, generally those who list that their longest relationship has been less than five years are generally men who are in and out of "relationships" and leave a trail behind them...

I've been married twice, engaged another time, and have dated others some. Did I make poor choices? Sure, I did. I was young, stupid, and madly insanely in love the first time. I was married 9 yrs. Long story short: I loved him but because of some issues he had with being bipolar and being a drug addict, I couldn't live with him. He is no longer living, but even after his death and even though we weren't together when he died, I had to take time to grieve. I took time for me and my kids... I dated some and even got engaged. But it wasn't until almost five years after his death that I was able to truly commit to someone again. And I did. I gave my whole heart to a man, got married, and thought it would last a life time. Did it? No. A year and a month. And he walked out. Decided he didn't want to be married anymore. My heart was broken. I was devastated.

So... when I look for a man, particularly online, I look for someone who is similar to me, maybe who has experienced some of the same things I have... not because I think they are a better choice necessarily over someone who has never been married, but because we can relate to each other a little better. But, honestly, I am VERY PICKY. And it doesn't really matter to me if the guy has been married or not or what's in his past or poor decisions he made in the past... as long as he is striving for a better future and his track record proves that he's a good person. I just want someone who is compatible with me.

MaraDiaz

Even though likely true it is hard not to let that grate on me.
The reasons I am single were much beyond my control other then making the choice to do what everyone would say is the right thing regarding taking care of parents that could not take care of themselves.

Will not go on about that because A) no one really cares and it doesn`t matter at this point.

Just is somewhat discouraging

If someone told me they were never married because they had no time due to taking care of parents, I'd be all kinds of, 'This guy is too good for me!' Seriously, there is nothing wrong with that answer. A suspicious woman might wonder if you were telling the truth because it paints you in such an excellent light, though.

JanieJack

A question that comes to mind is why does having been married but now divorced create a focus on one being willing to make a commitment rather then raising concern that perhaps they make very poor choices or were a poor spouse?

I am not casting a judgment on any one here that is divorced,just a general question as to why one would try to pick a positive out of it rather then wonder what went wrong and why.

I don't think the divorced IS any better than the never married. ESPECIALLY since many of the guys who I meet that are divorced were (IMHO) horrible partners to their wives. And even though some say they blew it in their first marriage, learned their lesson and would now make a better partner, it's still hard for me to get past the thought that "old habits die hard" and I'm not signing up for the kind of relationship most of these guys had with their previous wives.