Small town,rural meeting people woes.
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I don't think that never married is an issue. 2/3 of young people today will never marry. In the past 98% of people got married. As for dating divorced people, the divorce rate for those in first marriages is actually quite low. If you marry a divorced person the chances of getting divorced yourself are a lot higher.0
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I live in a very small town. It seems to me that the people here just swap people to date and marry. It is kind of disgusting. lol. What I don't understand is most of these men here have cheated on their wife with the person they end up marrying .. and then shocker, it happens again in another 5 years. I don't understand. I wouldn't want to date any of these people.
As far as my exhusband goes .. on paper, he looks like an amazing catch. Beautiful 3 bedroom home (that I decorated), one child ( that he sees 5 days a month), makes almost $150K a year, drives a brand new Toyota truck(that work provides), has a 4 wheeler and a snow mobile, partial ownership in a hunting camp, beautiful blue eyes .. but is the most self-centered, selfish mean drunk on the planet. He cheats, he lies, he watches porn all the time .. owns bins and bins of porn dvds and magazines ... he has had 4 DWI's .. BUT .. you don't know any of that bad stuff until you are in the relationship and invested.
To me .. dating just sucks. Marriage sucks. I just want to have sex. lol.0 -
A question that comes to mind is why does having been married but now divorced create a focus on one being willing to make a commitment rather then raising concern that perhaps they make very poor choices or were a poor spouse?
I am not casting a judgment on any one here that is divorced,just a general question as to why one would try to pick a positive out of it rather then wonder what went wrong and why.
Carl - you're an anomaly.... truly.
So, for me a divorced man or someone that's been in a LTR (5+years) isn't afraid of commitment and may commit again. A guy that's had a longest relationship of 2 years or under.... well, why would I think I'd be any different? I actually prefer guys that have had relationship last 10+ years... and at my age those guys are around.
As far as a marriage... well, I'm looking to get married again. So if I meet someone that's never been married but has had a long LTR, that is another flag. Probably someone that views marriage as just a piece of paper. I hope you can understand where I'm going here.
On the other hand, someone that just has never had the opportunity to commit or be married is an orange compared to these other apples. You're not in the same boat at all and would be attractive to date.0 -
That doesn't make any sense. So you want someone with previous relationships of 10 years or more, but not someone who hasn't gotten married, so you're looking for someone that is divorced?Carl - you're an anomaly.... truly.
So, for me a divorced man or someone that's been in a LTR (5+years) isn't afraid of commitment and may commit again. A guy that's had a longest relationship of 2 years or under.... well, why would I think I'd be any different? I actually prefer guys that have had relationship last 10+ years... and at my age those guys are around.
As far as a marriage... well, I'm looking to get married again. So if I meet someone that's never been married but has had a long LTR, that is another flag. Probably someone that views marriage as just a piece of paper. I hope you can understand where I'm going here.
On the other hand, someone that just has never had the opportunity to commit or be married is an orange compared to these other apples. You're not in the same boat at all and would be attractive to date.
So if someone that has been married is more likely to get married again, wouldn't someone who is divorced be more likely to get divorced again too? Just curious.
I actually just try to go into things with an open mind. Previous relationships is something I care very little about, every case is different.0 -
So if someone that has been married is more likely to get married again, wouldn't someone who is divorced be more likely to get divorced again too? Just curious.
The answer to that is yes. Second marriages fail more often than first marriages.0 -
I actually just try to go into things with an open mind. Previous relationships is something I care very little about, every case is different.
I agree with Roadie. Making assumptions about someone based on paper, or very little factual information/history is a big mistake.
I've never been married. So if you judge me as non committal or a player or a serial dater or whatever, you'd be wrong. Each individual has their own story. Dont make assumptions, ask!! :flowerforyou:0 -
I actually just try to go into things with an open mind. Previous relationships is something I care very little about, every case is different.
I agree with Roadie. Making assumptions about someone based on paper, or very little factual information/history is a big mistake.
I've never been married. So if you judge me as non committal or a player or a serial dater or whatever, you'd be wrong. Each individual has their own story. Dont make assumptions, ask!! :flowerforyou:
As a lady no one would think any of those...they are considered guy faults.
Am not trying to start a gender war either just what is.
There may be other things that I can`t think of given my situation but none of those.0 -
Yeah - I can see how I wasn't very clear....I'll try to be more clear now... and again, this is NOT general assumptions. I DO take everyone as a unique individual. However, if I'm man shopping (LOL) on POF these are the things I look for.
That doesn't make any sense. So you want someone with previous relationships of 10 years or more, but not someone who hasn't gotten married, so you're looking for someone that is divorced?
Yes, I'm looking for someone who has had a longer term relationship - first and foremost over those that have only had 1-2 year relationship. This shows me they can stick to something.
After that I look at the "marriage" issue. If they've had a very long relationship but never gotten married I'd have to ask why. I don't have any problem with people who have had LTRs but not gotten married. However, I DO want to get married again. So, if I run into a guy that says - "yeah, marriage is just a piece of paper and I don't want to have anything to do with it" -- that's not what I'm looking for... so next....So if someone that has been married is more likely to get married again, wouldn't someone who is divorced be more likely to get divorced again too? Just curious.
I actually just try to go into things with an open mind. Previous relationships is something I care very little about, every case is different.
Divorce is not necessarily as easy. I would have NEVER gotten divorced had my ex not cheated. I was in it 100% through the ups and downs. Very committed. I always ask why a divorce happened and sometimes the answer given is a red flag and I'm done.
I DO go into things with a VERY open mind. Trust me.. there are always exceptions to the rule. There are many exceptions here on this board. I do find that there is a big trend among men and women who either don't want to commit for more than a couple years or who have aversions to getting married. That's all I was trying to point out. I did a poor job at it! Sorry!0 -
I actually just try to go into things with an open mind. Previous relationships is something I care very little about, every case is different.
I agree with Roadie. Making assumptions about someone based on paper, or very little factual information/history is a big mistake.
I've never been married. So if you judge me as non committal or a player or a serial dater or whatever, you'd be wrong. Each individual has their own story. Dont make assumptions, ask!! :flowerforyou:
As a lady no one would think any of those...they are considered guy faults.
Am not trying to start a gender war either just what is.
There may be other things that I can`t think of given my situation but none of those.
I get judged too Carl.:- I'm too independant, I'm too wild, I'm not boring/homely enough!! Whatever!! YOU wouldnt judge me, but plenty would :flowerforyou:
Personally, I dont judge men either. I honestly think that people change throughout their lives anyhow. So knowing the person how they are NOW is all that matters.After that I look at the "marriage" issue. If they've had a very long relationship but never gotten married I'd have to ask why. I don't have any problem with people who have had LTRs but not gotten married. However, I DO want to get married again. So, if I run into a guy that says - "yeah, marriage is just a piece of paper and I don't want to have anything to do with it" -- that's not what I'm looking for... so next....
Shells, again, this is just not indicative of anything!!! For example, I was with my ex for 12 years. HE wanted to get married, but I didn't. Therefore he IS a 40something male that never got married, but WOULD get married given the right person!I DO go into things with a VERY open mind. Trust me.. there are always exceptions to the rule.
You can't go wrong with an open mind. If there's one thing I've learnt in my short life, is that most of the time assumptions are wrong! The only danger in not giving people a chance, is that you can let your ideal partner slip through the net!! There are good men out there that never lasted more than a year in relationship and never got married. Life goes really quick and circumstances can just work against you.
In fact, I might even say that the guys that have been the most headache are the one's that have been LTR and married!! Lots of bitterness and restentment.
But still, everyone's different.
Even *I* who never ,ever wanted marraige, could change that one day if the right guy proposed!! A lady in England got married for the first time last week at 59........:bigsmile:0 -
Sorry, I've just realised I've crashed your thread which is about small town difficulties/mentality.
Seeing as I have 8,000,000 neighbours I shouldn't comment. It's probably different here. Marriage isnt the be all and end all in such a big city.
Soz! I'm going to bed now....lol.....:flowerforyou:0 -
Sorry, I've just realised I've crashed your thread which is about small town difficulties/mentality.
Seeing as I have 8,000,000 neighbours I shouldn't comment. It's probably different here. Marriage isnt the be all and end all in such a big city.
Soz! I'm going to bed now....lol.....:flowerforyou:
Small town or big city,it makes no difference as far as attitudes.
Just figured that the bigger the population the larger the pool so what I find frustrating will have a less affect.
I am still somewhat mystified about the looking for a divorced person thing,it just seems odd to me for that to be considered a plus.
I don`t understand how a person that has been in a bad relationship has a heads up over one that has not unless it is a desire to be on equal ground as at my age divorced is more likely then never married.
Also for the record this is not a pity party regarding my life situation,I did not have to spoon feed invalids.
Father was old (59) when I was born and mom was legally blind from childhood with throat cancer taking her vocal cords away in 1986.
This is an old 1800s farmhouse which was not modernized that no lady would have found acceptable and parents could not do the basic driving,putting up firewood for winter stuff and so on.
They could both feed,bathe and clothe themselves with mom eventually going into a nursing home when total blindness occurred.
I made choices that were the right thing to do and as in all situations there are consequences of those.
Regardless of knowing any of that what I have experienced is what I posted about,a confusion as to why many cycle themselves around someone that is in a similar situation.
It seems to be sort of what I thought although I am not sure people are doing themselves a favor viewing it that way.
Tilting at windmills I guess.0 -
There are ALWAYS exceptions to the rule. If I met a man who'd never been married... and he explained that life situations and/or a previous partner didn't want to be married but he did, I'd go with it. I don't close doors......0
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In big town, also, people who are more exposed to a variety of situations and are more "modern" and "open minded" in their thinking. More, more, more... Too much some would say. Life in a big city is for sure different.Small town or big city,it makes no difference as far as attitudes.
Just figured that the bigger the population the larger the pool so what I find frustrating will have a less affect.
I believe my choice of not getting married is superior. In fact, I know it, regardless of what other people think. Since I am single, I can say for sure that all it would have brought so far would have been the pain of a divorce.I am still somewhat mystified about the looking for a divorced person thing,it just seems odd to me for that to be considered a plus.
I don`t understand how a person that has been in a bad relationship has a heads up over one that has not unless it is a desire to be on equal ground as at my age divorced is more likely then never married.
From my perspective, I am obviously under the impression that a lot of people who get married are dreamers, in a hurry and poor judges of personality.
I'll tell you what women should look at though: what connection/contact you've kept with your exes (or not) and why... This IMHO will reveal a lot more about who you are, and what mistakes you've made if any, and what sort of behaviour you're likely to display.
Getting married/divorced is almost as meaningless as wearing glasses these days (none of these mean that you're intelligent
).
Another point is that a lot of (non religious) people I talk to who have been married don't want to be married ever again. Most told me "I won't do that same mistake again!".0 -
DM posted this in another thread and leads me into something I have noticed here.Geography seems to be coming up in relation to other things that are common experiences for singles. It's not simple. Depending on the context, it does and does not matter.
From my experience, I don't think that small towns and suburbs are conducive to singles and what a single person needs to successfully find someone for a long term relationship. There are exceptions (for example, if you are college aged and attend a college with many other singles in a small town college and there are other exceptions as well), but if you're done with education and going about your life, small towns and the suburbs make it more difficult to be in a position to find someone. Small towns and suburbs are geared more towards established family structures.
Men pick, women choose. So if a man is having issues in finding what he wants, he's not picking the right women to approach given what he wants. Or maybe he doesn't know what he wants and needs to clarify that. I am speaking in the most general terms I can. As for women, it does come down to make the choice as to who the best man is going to be based upon what she wants. Also, the inherent characteristics of a woman influence the choice. A 22 year old woman with no kids and an amazing body is going to be able to have a wider range of choices than a 40 year old with two kids, baggage from an ex husband and needing to lose 25 lbs.
Someone disappears from online dating (or dating as a whole) because they've found someone else more aligned with them than you are. It happens to all of us. But it is a chance to evaluate where things stand and refine your own personal processes in relation to your goals.
Happy dating!
What I have observed is that when relationships or marriages end it seems as though both men and women quickly gravitate towards someone who has also just experienced the same.
Pretty much if you are a never married (me) or it has been years since a divorce/separation you are eliminated from the pool.
Hence that seeming cloud of invisibility I mentioned before where people break up with someone and almost instantly take up with another who also just broke up while I was standing there available all the time but never given a look.
Wondering if anyone else out in the sticks has experienced the same?
I do realize that we all are responsible for our personalities and actions,am not talking about missing a known opportunity by sitting on the sidelines but when we never know it happened until after the fact.
Is it because there is a built in commiseration to each others recent heartaches or something else that tends to have people who have recently left a relationship take up with the same?
i dont have anything constructive to add lol just that dating sucks and men are idiots lol0 -
I must be an idiot, I don't understand why you're saying that... :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:i dont have anything constructive to add lol just that dating sucks and men are idiots lol0 -
Many times, men can judge women in a similar fashion. Many men can perceive women over 30 who've never been married as single for a reason.
Seriously?!?! The average age for a woman to marry for the first time has recently hit 30, at least in the UK
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/8415852/Average-age-for-women-to-marry-hits-30-for-first-time.html
I see from a little further googling that the median still slightly lower in the USA (26.5 for women), but that is the median, and I would assume that the mean is highly variable - probably higher among the professional city-dwellers (a larger percentage of the UK population than the US, ergo the higher median), and lower in more rural areas. From my perspective, I don't generally expect women to be married and divorced/back on the dating 'market' by 30...
This seems to me like a classic example of an old expectation that has not shifted to match the reality of a society in which women are as likely to have professional careers/be primary income earners as men are, and may also explain the increasing numbers of over-30, highly-qualified, professional single women turning to IVF etc to have children, if your statement represents a typical male view.
Back to the OP, though. I'm not sure that large, cosmopolitan cities are any better from a dating perspective than smaller communities. Yes, there is a larger 'pool', but, on average, there is much less interaction within the community, so less chance of meeting the people who really appeal within that , unless you meet at work or in a limited range of social situations. There's much less chance in a big city that you will even know who your neighbours are, let alone bump into and fall in love with them in the grocery shop!0 -
Many times, men can judge women in a similar fashion. Many men can perceive women over 30 who've never been married as single for a reason.
This is my fear. I know why I am single because I spent most of my 20's obese. Now that I've fixed that...the assumption that I'm single for a reason is not as obvious as it used to be. Now they might think at first glance that I'm screwed up in some other not so obvious way when I'm really not lol.0 -
Right on, I guess it just sounded like you're assuming that if a guy has never been married it's because he doesn't want to be. I know I personally would rather never get married than get married to the wrong person. But some women I know would seemingly rather get married now and work things out later. No thanks.Yeah - I can see how I wasn't very clear....I'll try to be more clear now... and again, this is NOT general assumptions. I DO take everyone as a unique individual. However, if I'm man shopping (LOL) on POF these are the things I look for.
Yes, I'm looking for someone who has had a longer term relationship - first and foremost over those that have only had 1-2 year relationship. This shows me they can stick to something.
After that I look at the "marriage" issue. If they've had a very long relationship but never gotten married I'd have to ask why. I don't have any problem with people who have had LTRs but not gotten married. However, I DO want to get married again. So, if I run into a guy that says - "yeah, marriage is just a piece of paper and I don't want to have anything to do with it" -- that's not what I'm looking for... so next....
Divorce is not necessarily as easy. I would have NEVER gotten divorced had my ex not cheated. I was in it 100% through the ups and downs. Very committed. I always ask why a divorce happened and sometimes the answer given is a red flag and I'm done.
I DO go into things with a VERY open mind. Trust me.. there are always exceptions to the rule. There are many exceptions here on this board. I do find that there is a big trend among men and women who either don't want to commit for more than a couple years or who have aversions to getting married. That's all I was trying to point out. I did a poor job at it! Sorry!
Personally, I would rather spend the rest of my life not married to the right person than get married to the wrong person (if I had to choose). To me it's more about finding the right person than getting married but I feel like it's the opposite for a lot of women.0 -
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Right on, I guess it just sounded like you're assuming that if a guy has never been married it's because he doesn't want to be. I know I personally would rather never get married than get married to the wrong person. But some women I know would seemingly rather get married now and work things out later. No thanks.
Personally, I would rather spend the rest of my life not married to the right person than get married to the wrong person (if I had to choose). To me it's more about finding the right person than getting married but I feel like it's the opposite for a lot of women.
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Again, I guess I am not in the norm of the women, then....I would much rather be with the right person than married to the wrong one. I do want to get married again IF I find the right person. I think I would have to be convinced he was right, because I thought my ex was THE ONE, and believed until I found out he cheated, so go figure.......
But, if I met someone and they wanted to be with me, but did not want to get married, I think I would be ok with it....as long as we were committed and monogamous (probably spelled that wrong).......guess most women don't feel that way?0 -
I must be an idiot, I don't understand why you're saying that... :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:i dont have anything constructive to add lol just that dating sucks and men are idiots lol
exactly lol0
