This week =) .....July

Fairy_Farts

Hi! I don't get on here much, but wanted to share what's been going on with me so that I feel more accountable.

I started seeing a counselor last month. The main focus is on my bingeing and the things in my life that trigger it. Since seeing my counselor last Wednesday, I have not been logging my food. She thought that I was beginning to really obsess about the diary and I told her I was not putting in my night bingeing, so I always felt guilty. Anyway, she said to quit all together and see how I felt. It scares me BUT it's also been helpful for me. I went 4 nights without bingeing and no day binges either!

Yesterday I felt very blah and tired. I'm also dealing with hormonal stuff, which probably didn't help. I wasn't hungry during the day, so I didn't eat much and had plenty of calories left. Anyway, after stressing over a bunch of stuff that's going on, I grabbed a Clif Builder bar and ate it slowly. I was actually hungry but scared it would start a binge. It did.... sort of. I wanted to keep eating, so I grabbed a bag of mini rice cakes (it was 1/2 full). I ate all of them =( It wasn't as bad as I have done in the past... not even close, but I'm still disappointed that I felt the need to do it.

I know it will take a very very long time to get over bingeing and to pay attention to my triggers. I just worry that I won't ever get over that mindset and will struggle all of my life and possibly get back into the "never ending gaining" stage again.

For now, I am happy with the past few days even if I messed up a little. I'm going to focus on the 4 good ones and try to build from there

Behavior_Modification

I enjoyed reading your analysis. Thank you so much for sharing. And CONGRATS on 4 days of healthy behavior.

Focusing on our behavior and really paying attention to it every time we have an eating experience - whether it be healthy or unhealthy WILL bring on the success. So even if we are bingeing, we all should still be paying close attention to our behavior, thoughts, moods and actions during that time. Every time is an opportunity to learn about ourselves. Knowledge IS power.

I'm sorry to hear you are weary of your capability to keep this up, but I hope by next month you won't feel that way anymore.

Over the last 2.5 years I've been learning to have a healthier relationship with food, there never has been a time that I went all the way back to my old behavior. I've experienced lapses, relapses (some that lasted many weeks even) and weight gain - but even so, I know I will never be the way I used to be. I want this change so badly. And since I already know what isn't going to work from years and years of failure, I'm willing to stay consistent with the new way. Also, I really do take it a day at a time. Forgiving myself for a previous day's mistakes has gotten so much easier with practice. Plus if I learned from those mistakes, it is even easier to let it go.

And "the new way" will be different for each of us. But it is our individual duties to figure out what it is that will allow us to commit to the consistency. For me, if I know the first time I try a new strategy that I'm not gonna be able to keep it up for the long term, I'm not even gonna start. People w/ EDs generally set unrealistic expectations for themselves. With recovery, there is no place for this. I have had to scale my expectations WAY back in order to succeed. For a habitual overachiever this is very difficult - but necessary.

Fairy_Farts

Thanks for your input, Diane.

I've spent the past few days bouncing all over the place, but I'm staying aware. That's new and good for me.

I'm finding that the weather is making me very lethargic and that effects my mood greatly, which starts some problems with eating. So I am going to see if I can keep myself cooled off today.