Need a guy's perspective (girls' thoughts too please!)

SweetBasil35

I don’t post here often, but I have been reading some threads lately about Single Peeps wishing it was easier to approach someone they’re interested in, or simply wishing others would approach them more often. I can really identify with this, so I took this discussion to heart and realized that I really need to put myself out there if I’m going to meet someone.

I’ve lost some weight and feel pretty again (yay!), so when a friend and I were at a bar this past weekend, one of the bouncer’s caught my eye. I remembered the discussion in the MFP threads and decided I would feel worse if I didn’t approach him than if I did approach him and he wasn’t interested. So after some small talk with him, (he was super friendly and definitely seemed interested in me) I told him I thought he was “adorable” (don’t ask me WHY I said THAT – lol) and asked if he’d like to have dinner with me sometime. He was very flattered, and after he picked his jaw up from the floor (he was really surprised!) – he said that he’d love to, kissed me on the cheek, and I gave him my number. At the end of the night, I walked over to say goodbye and he asked me to stand with him and talk while he was directing people toward another exit. We had a nice chat, hugged goodbye, and as I walked away he grabbed my hand, squeezed it, and told me that he’d call me.

Well, he hasn’t called and I’m certain that he won’t… LOL! I’m not going to try to guess why not, and I’m not going to internalize the “rejection”. But here’s my dilemma: This is a SUPER fun bar with great music, good looking people and great staff. It’s really close to my friend’s house and we are already planning to go back to see a band this weekend… but I’m going to run in to Bouncer again and I don’t want it to be awkward!!!

I don’t want to just ignore him – because the truth is that I do NOT have hurt feelings over this. He is super cute and totally my type, but I believe things happen for a reason, so I’m not going to push it with him. If/when I run into him, I really just want to tell him “No hard feelings” and wish him well... maybe even a kiss on the cheek. Would that be awkward??? What do you guys think about how I should handle this? (Keep in mind that Bouncer is a really friendly/outgoing kind of guy)

I really DON’T want to avoid going back to this place… it’s SUPER FUN!

oddyogi

My advice.. it won't be awkward unless you make it awkward. If he's awkward about it, just pretend like you don't notice and "fake it til you make it."

How long ago did you give him your number? Some guys wait awhile to call!

MaraDiaz

The problem with having the courage to approach someone in a place you frequent is, you then have to have the courage to go back if it doesn't work out. But you can do it, don't run away! He might have a girlfriend or wife, you know. And have been considering doing something he shouldn't with you and changed his mind.

Just go back, smile, look him in the eye, maybe wait to see if he explains himself. But don't run away!

sandrinamsilva

I would probably just say Hello if I saw him. I wouldn't go out of my way to find him though. And he may just have been busy lately and not been able to call.

DMZ_1

Lots of thoughts....

1. Congrats on the weight loss! Improved self confidence is always a good thing.
2. I like your idea of finding ways to meet people in real life first.
3. With that said, the bar isn't a good choice. A regular bar environment isn't conducive to making meaningful progress on anything, with the exception of advancing liver failure. :bigsmile: Focus on meeting people through activities, common interests, Meetup groups or best of all, through single people who your friends already know. The friend fixup is best. Back to Meetup though-in a big city like where you live, there will be plenty of Meetup groups. Most Meetup groups are filled with singles, as anyone in an existing relationship wouldn't perceive value in going to the majority of Meetup events.
4. Your story with the bouncer is very equivalent to something men deal with all the time at bars. Most bars/restaurants have attractive waitresses and bartenders. Men quickly learn that if you want to make something happen with a waitress or a bartender, you meet them when they are off work.
5. The bouncer may not remember you the next time you go to the bar, so don't sweat that.
6. A man always likes it when a woman takes initiative, so keep approaching men that you find attractive.

Carl01

What is the places policy about bouncers interacting with customers?
He may have crossed some policy lines and that is why the no contact.

It also could be that he got caught up in the moment of having a pretty lady approach but after a day perhaps is questioning if you were sober and meaning it.

Possible he was just playing his hand to see if you would invite him home for some noogie.

Or none of the above so just go on with your life as if it never happened.

SweetBasil35

I gave him my number on Saturday. It takes two seconds to send a text, so I'm sure that if he was going to call/text he would have already.

No, I won't go out of my way to find him - but I'm sure that I'll run into him at some point.

Yikes, I never thought about him being attached - guess that's one of the pitfalls of putting yourself out there before you really know someone!

SweetBasil35

I agree: bars aren't the kind of place I'm going to find someone I'm compatible with... he said he works there to "get out of the house"... lol

Thanks for the encouragement... I appreciate it!

Lots of thoughts....

1. Congrats on the weight loss! Improved self confidence is always a good thing.
2. I like your idea of finding ways to meet people in real life first.
3. With that said, the bar isn't a good choice. A regular bar environment isn't conducive to making meaningful progress on anything, with the exception of advancing liver failure. :bigsmile: Focus on meeting people through activities, common interests, Meetup groups or best of all, through single people who your friends already know. The friend fixup is best. Back to Meetup though-in a big city like where you live, there will be plenty of Meetup groups. Most Meetup groups are filled with singles, as anyone in an existing relationship wouldn't perceive value in going to the majority of Meetup events.
4. Your story with the bouncer is very equivalent to something men deal with all the time at bars. Most bars/restaurants have attractive waitresses and bartenders. Men quickly learn that if you want to make something happen with a waitress or a bartender, you meet them when they are off work.
5. The bouncer may not remember you the next time you go to the bar, so don't sweat that.
6. A man always likes it when a woman takes initiative, so keep approaching men that you find attractive.

SweetBasil35

Yeah, lots of things are possible, but it's not my personality to just ignore someone. There shouldn't be any question about my drunkeness as I was totally sober... He's new there so I suppose it is possible that he was reprimanded for talking to me.

What is the places policy about bouncers interacting with customers?
He may have crossed some policy lines and that is why the no contact.

It also could be that he got caught up in the moment of having a pretty lady approach but after a day perhaps is questioning if you were sober and meaning it.

Possible he was just playing his hand to see if you would invite him home for some noogie.

Or none of the above so just go on with your life as if it never happened.

RMuske

I have been told by some of my male friends that they wait to call/text so as not to seem desperate. I give it up to a week and then let it go.

I agree with the above posts, if you don't make it awkward it won't be. Just walk in and be pleasant. You don't need to avoid the place. If he is awkward ignore that and go about having a good time. You can only control you.

SweetBasil35

You guys are right - if I don't make it awkward it won't be! And I totally agree... I can only control me, so I'll feel it out with him (or maybe not) and go about having a great time! THANK YOU! :flowerforyou:

JanieJack

I was "trying something new" and did the same thing at a posh restaurant. It took me awhile to figure out that the guy liked me, but not "like that" and was just flattered and being polite.

Just go back and have fun and if you happen to see him, be polite and nice but not awkward. If he even remembers you and he's actually awkward just be a little friendly (to quickly show him, but don't' waste words "telling" him) and then move on to hang out with your friends like it's no big deal.

eduardo_d

I have a friend who used to be a bouncer and he was the biggest player EVER (married now, thought!). I believe this to be the case for many in that profession so be warned. DO NOT take the lack of a call to mean anything about you.

You should totally go back and be playful about it! Punch him in the shoulder and say "Dude!" and then give him "the look" and then laugh. It won't be weird, it'll be funny.

Also, it's *only* Wednesday. I am assuming you've seen the movie "Swingers" and all... If not, I cannot help you.

Moe4572

Just use his cues as a guide...........be yourself, and be friendly but not too friendly.....

Cameron_1969

He lost your number. . . .

When you see him smile and wave.. If he's still interested, he will come talk to you. .if not. . oh well. . life is too short. . keep doing what you're doing. . don't take it personal. .

He might have four other girls he's juggling and, even though he likes you more, he's just not sure he wants to take on another! lol!

Roadie2000

I agree with eduardo, make a joke out of it. Tell him to quit stalking you, and if he's too scared to call you he could have just said so. Then forget he ever existed and go meet someone else.

To be perfectly honest, most bouncers egos are bigger than their brains. They never seem to know the difference between acting tough and doing their job.

poncho33

They are in the service industry... I'm guessing it's like a waitress and they get hit on all the time. I wouldn't worry about it. Nice work on approaching him though, I bet you felt pretty good after... besides not getting a call.

Prahasaurus

Don't worry. No matter awkward you feel, he is going to feel 10x worse. He promised to call, and didn't. So he's the heel here, not you. Just go back and say "hi" if you see him. Watch him squirm a bit... See what excuse is makes. My guess is that he'll say he lost your number. And maybe he did. I do it occasionally. It happens.

Great job on taking the initiative. Life is short.

--P

MikeM53082

I definitely give you props for taking the initiative and approaching him. Sounds like he was being friendly, but wasn't interested in dating you. (don't fret, I've been there a million times). I would not hesitate to go back to the bar for a second. You're a patron at a bar you enjoy going to, don't let anyone, let alone a bouncer, deter you from going back there. Keep your head up!

SweetBasil35

You should totally go back and be playful about it! Punch him in the shoulder and say "Dude!" and then give him "the look" and then laugh. It won't be weird, it'll be funny.

LOL - love this idea... it *would* be funny! :laugh:

SweetBasil35

I definitely give you props for taking the initiative and approaching him. Sounds like he was being friendly, but wasn't interested in dating you. (don't fret, I've been there a million times). I would not hesitate to go back to the bar for a second. You're a patron at a bar you enjoy going to, don't let anyone, let alone a bouncer, deter you from going back there. Keep your head up!

Thanks for the props, Mike... I can see how I came on strong while he was only being friendly - still proud of myself, though!