'Lock and Key' Event - Sound Like Fun?
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6 hours after my last text, he sent one asking if I was free next Friday or Saturday. I told him I was free next Friday. That was last night at 7 p.m. and I haven't heard anything more. So we'll see what happens.
I am still willing to give it a go and that is because I understand that some people are so nervous at these events that their nerves/temporary awkwardness can potentially override their ability to make a good first impression, and if I am just speaking with them a few minutes and this is all I see, is it really fair to judge them by that? This was something pointed out to me yesterday by the same person who told me to send him a follow-up text and give him a chance. She had a point.You are 32 and never married, so I would think that you've been on the dating scene since about 16 and have done enough early stage dates that additional practice would be unwarranted at this point.
Well, that is a fair assumption to make, but I have not had a boyfriend since I was about that age, if that tells you anything.0 -
Anything scheduled in your area in mid-Sept, haha?
I can check - there probably is! :happy:0 -
You are 32 and never married, so I would think that you've been on the dating scene since about 16 and have done enough early stage dates that additional practice would be unwarranted at this point.Well, that is a fair assumption to make, but I have not had a boyfriend since I was about that age, if that tells you anything.
How many early stage dates (dates 1-3) have you been on in the last 10 years or so? If you've had more than 20-30 first dates, you should have a decent idea of what a good first date looks like, and probably an even better idea of what bad first dates look like.0 -
You are 32 and never married, so I would think that you've been on the dating scene since about 16 and have done enough early stage dates that additional practice would be unwarranted at this point.Well, that is a fair assumption to make, but I have not had a boyfriend since I was about that age, if that tells you anything.
How many early stage dates (dates 1-3) have you been on in the last 10 years or so? If you've had more than 20-30 first dates, you should have a decent idea of what a good first date looks like, and probably an even better idea of what bad first dates look like.
Um, :blushing: I'm going to have to keep the answer to your question a secret. Let's just say I could probably use a little more practice.
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You are 32 and never married, so I would think that you've been on the dating scene since about 16 and have done enough early stage dates that additional practice would be unwarranted at this point.Well, that is a fair assumption to make, but I have not had a boyfriend since I was about that age, if that tells you anything.
How many early stage dates (dates 1-3) have you been on in the last 10 years or so? If you've had more than 20-30 first dates, you should have a decent idea of what a good first date looks like, and probably an even better idea of what bad first dates look like.
Um, :blushing: I'm going to have to keep the answer to your question a secret. Let's just say I could probably use a little more practice.
Fair enough. I hope you meet someone soon that gets you feeling some serious attraction!0 -
Is it right to 'use' someone for dating experience?
It definitely isn't right to use another person for the sole purpose of dating experience. You're dealing with someone elses feelings and emotions here. If you aren't feeling it, don't go out with him. If you are looking for 'experience', ask a savvy, male friend to do a role playing scenario or something.0 -
Fair enough. I hope you meet someone soon that gets you feeling some serious attraction!
Thanks!0 -
No worries, Jill! I'm 36 and don't meet Dave's suggestion of 20-30 early dates. I need all the practice I can get. I wouldn't go out with just ANYone either, but going out with someone you find reasonably interesting or attractive is OK to view as practice because there just could turn out to be more there.
Keep me posted on mid-September :happy:0 -
Is it right to 'use' someone for dating experience?
Just a suggestion/thought. If you've been out of the dating game for a long time then there's a chance you don't know what you want/expect out of a date. As long as you don't string him along for multiple dates when you know there's no future, then by all means 'use' him for first date experience. You never know, things might just click anyway.0 -
I am not making fun but 20-30 first dates?
DM,please try to accept that there is a lot of living outside of a big city and those kind of numbers just do not happen for most people.
Once you hit 25 you will be lucky to meet 20-30 available people period much less they be interested in dating or you in return.0 -
Is it right to 'use' someone for dating experience?
Just a suggestion/thought. If you've been out of the dating game for a long time then there's a chance you don't know what you want/expect out of a date. As long as you don't string him along for multiple dates when you know there's no future, then by all means 'use' him for first date experience. You never know, things might just click anyway.
At 42, I count 10 first dates in my lifetime. Maybe I've forgotten a couple, but it's still far from 20-30.
The last guy I dated from OKC - no sparks. Still went out a few times after ward because we had quite a bit in common. I grew to really like him. We have decided to just be friends because of a deal breaker, but I'm all for giving it a few dates to see if you can eventually get that spark. It has not always been instant for me. I knew my ex-husband for a whole year as a friend before anything ever sparked for me (not that I'm suggesting to wait a year, just a few dates).
I don't see that as using someone for dating experience. It's really giving them a really good chance and exploring the possibility that a romantic relationship could be possible. I don't think you can lose by going out on a date, but you could really miss out if you don't go because you aren't really feeling it now.... unless there's something about him that you know you'll never be romantically interested in him. I knew that about two matches I met from eHarmony. They weren't good matches for me and I'd never be attracted to them. It's sometimes hard to tell that from a profile but very clear in person.0 -
The following quotes are related to quantity of first dates.I am not making fun but 20-30 first dates?
DM,please try to accept that there is a lot of living outside of a big city and those kind of numbers just do not happen for most people.
Once you hit 25 you will be lucky to meet 20-30 available people period much less they be interested in dating or you in return.
What you say makes sense to me. It is more difficult to get first dates living outside of a major city. But in a big city, a quantity of 20-30 first dates over a 6-9 month period is not that unusual provided that someone is unable to make something stick. I believe that if one is fortunate enough to go out on that many dates in the time period I suggested above, someone should stick. However, there are many people that go out on that quantity of dates and it doesn’t produce a sustainable relationship, so my belief doesn’t play out ideally in the real world.At 42, I count 10 first dates in my lifetime. Maybe I've forgotten a couple, but it's still far from 20-30.
There are many ways to interpret this. I know very little about this poster.
If someone is 42 and married their high school sweetheart, I would think this quantity would be pretty par for the course. There are often cases where people get married to someone that they met in their late teens/early 20s, stick with them for 10-15 years and find themselves around age 40, divorced and hitting the dating scene for the first time in 2 decades, and they realize how much the scene has changed in the last 20 years.0 -
The following quotes are related to quantity of first dates.I am not making fun but 20-30 first dates?
DM,please try to accept that there is a lot of living outside of a big city and those kind of numbers just do not happen for most people.
Once you hit 25 you will be lucky to meet 20-30 available people period much less they be interested in dating or you in return.
What you say makes sense to me. It is more difficult to get first dates living outside of a major city. But in a big city, a quantity of 20-30 first dates over a 6-10 month period is not that unusual provided that someone is unable to make something stick. I believe that if one is fortunate enough to go out on that many dates in the time period I suggested above, someone should stick. However, there are many people that go out on that quantity of dates and it doesn’t produce a sustainable relationship, so my belief doesn’t play out ideally in the real world.At 42, I count 10 first dates in my lifetime. Maybe I've forgotten a couple, but it's still far from 20-30.
There are many ways to interpret this. I know very little about this poster.
If someone is 42 and married their high school sweetheart, I would think this quantity would be pretty par for the course. There are often cases where people get married to someone that they met in their late teens/early 20s, stick with them for 10-15 years and find themselves around age 40, divorced and hitting the dating scene for the first time in 2 decades, and they realize how much the scene has changed in the last 20 years.0 -
Didn't marry my high school sweetheart - met him at the age of 26. I just did not date a lot before him. We were together 2 years before wedding, that lasted 10 years (even though it was over after 8 years, I didn't date while still married legally). Went on eHarmony shortly afterward and had one date with a 6 month subscription before meeting someone I was with for a year and a half, then two more dates since then.At 42, I count 10 first dates in my lifetime. Maybe I've forgotten a couple, but it's still far from 20-30.
There are many ways to interpret this. I know very little about this poster.
If someone is 42 and married their high school sweetheart, I would think this quantity would be pretty par for the course. There are often cases where people get married to someone that they met in their late teens/early 20s, stick with them for 10-15 years and find themselves around age 40, divorced and hitting the dating scene for the first time in 2 decades, and they realize how much the scene has changed in the last 20 years.
For me, it has been about quality, not quantity since 5/10 of my first dates have resulted in dating/relationships lasting at least a couple months- more easily done if you meet potential partners in real life rather than needing online dating to match with total strangers. Yes, the dating scene has changed, but I don't think I'm so unusual that 20-30 dates should be seen as more "typical" - especially since it seems I'm not the only one here who hasn't had that many dates.
BTW, while I'm not in a big city, I am in a highly populated area and within dating distance of LA. I would think something is wrong with my approach if I went out on 20 first dates or more within a year and hadn't met someone worth dating a second time and who didn't feel the same way toward me. That's me though. *shrug*0 -
Didn't marry my high school sweetheart - met him at the age of 26. I just did not date a lot before him. We were together 2 years before wedding, that lasted 10 years (even though it was over after 8 years, I didn't date while still married legally). Went on eHarmony shortly afterward and had one date with a 6 month subscription before meeting someone I was with for a year and a half, then two more dates since then.At 42, I count 10 first dates in my lifetime. Maybe I've forgotten a couple, but it's still far from 20-30.
There are many ways to interpret this. I know very little about this poster.
If someone is 42 and married their high school sweetheart, I would think this quantity would be pretty par for the course. There are often cases where people get married to someone that they met in their late teens/early 20s, stick with them for 10-15 years and find themselves around age 40, divorced and hitting the dating scene for the first time in 2 decades, and they realize how much the scene has changed in the last 20 years.
For me, it has been about quality, not quantity since 5/10 of my first dates have resulted in dating/relationships lasting at least a couple months- more easily done if you meet potential partners in real life rather than needing online dating to match with total strangers. Yes, the dating scene has changed, but I don't think I'm so unusual that 20-30 dates should be seen as more "typical" - especially since it seems I'm not the only one here who hasn't had that many dates.
BTW, while I'm not in a big city, I am in a highly populated area and within dating distance of LA. I would think something is wrong with my approach if I went out on 20 first dates or more within a year and hadn't met someone worth dating a second time and who didn't feel the same way toward me. That's me though. *shrug*
You are pretty effective in selecting your first dates, as a high percentage of your first dates have led to sustainable relationships, including an 8 year marriage. I think that is a very good thing.
I agree that something is askew if within 20 first dates that someone can't find at least a 3-6 month relationship in that bunch of people. But I know of times where that is the case, so it happens. I wasn't necessarily talking about getting from first date to second date as you mention in your quote, though getting from first date to second date is a challenge for some.0 -
Is it right to 'use' someone for dating experience?
Just a suggestion/thought. If you've been out of the dating game for a long time then there's a chance you don't know what you want/expect out of a date. As long as you don't string him along for multiple dates when you know there's no future, then by all means 'use' him for first date experience. You never know, things might just click anyway.
I didn't date previous to my marriage (we were best friends), so when I ended up divorced at 34 I had no clue to the dating world except what I had learned through my bgf's dating stories told during our Saturday long runs.
I wouldn't go out with someone I was sure I didn't like, but I also don't look at going out with someone I'm not sure of as "using" them for a practice date. I look at all dates in this local area as "practice" dates since I don't expect to find lasting love here before I move (thought that would be cool, b/c it would be very easy for me to move back).
I went through 2.5 years of only going out with people I was sure I wanted a future with. And that number was very, very, small. Over the last couple months, I opened up the aperture a bit and have been on a lot of first dates (and some subsequent dates). It's taught me a lot about myself, and I've also learned a lot about men. There are things I would never have realized were possible in a relationship if I had just said no based on my initial impression of a guy (like I used to).
For example, growing up and in my marriage, I never had the experience of a man "standing up for me" in public. Usually, when someone did me wrong, the men in my life (my ex included) sided with them in deriding me. At my friend's insistence, I went out with someone I would NEVER have given time of day, but he did exactly that for me- he was protection and safety. Something I didn't even know I craved, and something that turned me on far more than any sexy poses or looks. We dated for a couple months.
So unless you absolutely know you don't want to see him, I say go for it!
PS: That said, one caveat: please don't take this to mean you should do things because you feel "obligated" to do so... Talking to someone doesn't mean you owe him your phone number. If you give it, that doesn't mean you owe him a conversation or a date. If he takes you out on a date, and you can't stand him, you don't "owe" him a kiss or a sleepover. If you go on 4-5 dates, even if you have "slept over" you don't owe him the rest of your life. It's your life.
PPS: Congrats on getting out of your comfort zone!!0 -
The man I gave my number to last night (the one I couldn't say 'no' to because I was put on the spot) sent a text this morning asking if I wanted to go to dinner and a movie tonight. I already had plans, so I sent him a text saying so. Then I told a friend the conversation, and she said I totally shot him down and didn't even give him a chance. So I sent another text saying that I really did have plans tonight but maybe another time. He sent a text several hours later and asked if I was free next Friday or Saturday. I said I would be free on Friday.
Hi Jill, I'm kinda confused... you said you gave him your number b/c you felt on the spot. And later it sounds like you don't really want to go out with him. But then your friend saying you didn't give him a chance prompts you to write back and give him a chance?
Do you want to go out with him?
If you don't really, but felt pressured (or obligated) to give him your number, then the way you handled it (saying "no" and leaving it at that) is a good option for never seeing him.
So why would you write back and open up the door for him to see you on the weekend? I don't have a problem with that at all (see my previous post)! I'm only asking because I wonder if a small part of you wanted to go out with him...or... was it a feeling of being rude/mean/etc that prompted you to write back so as to spare his feelings.
The drive to "be nice/not be mean or rude" gets several of my friends stuck in dates/relationships they don't want because they don't know how to get out of it w/o being mean. When really, the "nicest" thing to do is just tell the guy upfront you're not interested so he can find someone who is.0 -
When really, the "nicest" thing to do is just tell the guy upfront you're not interested so he can find someone who is.
Yes, absolutely. The sooner you tell a guy no that you are not interested, the better. I think most guys would rather be screened out prior to a first date/extended first get together. I know for sure that the last sentence is true for me.0 -
PS: That said, one caveat: please don't take this to mean you should do things because you feel "obligated" to do so... Talking to someone doesn't mean you owe him your phone number. If you give it, that doesn't mean you owe him a conversation or a date. If he takes you out on a date, and you can't stand him, you don't "owe" him a kiss or a sleepover. If you go on 4-5 dates, even if you have "slept over" you don't owe him the rest of your life. It's your life.
Best thing I read on here in a while. Great advice.0 -
Hi Jill, I'm kinda confused... you said you gave him your number b/c you felt on the spot. And later it sounds like you don't really want to go out with him. But then your friend saying you didn't give him a chance prompts you to write back and give him a chance?
Do you want to go out with him?
If you don't really, but felt pressured (or obligated) to give him your number, then the way you handled it (saying "no" and leaving it at that) is a good option for never seeing him.
So why would you write back and open up the door for him to see you on the weekend? I don't have a problem with that at all (see my previous post)! I'm only asking because I wonder if a small part of you wanted to go out with him...or... was it a feeling of being rude/mean/etc that prompted you to write back so as to spare his feelings.
The drive to "be nice/not be mean or rude" gets several of my friends stuck in dates/relationships they don't want because they don't know how to get out of it w/o being mean. When really, the "nicest" thing to do is just tell the guy upfront you're not interested so he can find someone who is.
Well, my friend told me something similar to your above post (above this one that I am quoting, lol). She said I shouldn't have decided so soon that I didn't want to go out with him because I could end up liking him. He was well-kept, nice, had a good job, and was near my age. Nothing completely frightening came out of his mouth during our 5-10 min conversation. So I decided I would take her advice and see what happened, and maybe go out with him just to see.
The follow-up text was partially because I thought I should give him a chance after thinking it over, and partially because I felt bad for coming across as cold. A small part of me was curious about him.
I guess I was going back and forth on the phone number issue because I just wasn't sure if I wanted him to have it or not since we spoke for such a short time. I have not dated in a long time and when I did, no one asked for my number within minutes of meeting me (except in high school, of course, haha). What I would have found more comfortable is if our conversation had ended without numbers being exchanged, but then later on in the evening we sat down and conversed some more, at which point he would ask for the number.
I know my description of my feelings concerning this guy is a bit wishy-washy. I think what it comes down to is what I want to do vs. what I should do. Since I haven't done this kind of thing in so long, it scares me and I "want" to tell everyone 'no', but maybe what I "should" do is stop doing that and give it a chance. I still listen to my gut, of course, such as when one man told me he had just completed 5 years of "heavy rehab" as he called it - while a mixed drink sat on the table in front of him, I knew for sure I did not want to go out with him.
But the man we've been talking about has not texted back since Saturday afternoon, so it might not matter anyhow!When really, the "nicest" thing to do is just tell the guy upfront you're not interested so he can find someone who is.
And this is where I also have trouble. I was just talking to my friend about this yesterday. I become too concerned about looking like a snob or someone in that category by telling a guy 'no' when he asks for my number. Obviously I need to get over this quickly!0 -
PS: That said, one caveat: please don't take this to mean you should do things because you feel "obligated" to do so... Talking to someone doesn't mean you owe him your phone number. If you give it, that doesn't mean you owe him a conversation or a date. If he takes you out on a date, and you can't stand him, you don't "owe" him a kiss or a sleepover. If you go on 4-5 dates, even if you have "slept over" you don't owe him the rest of your life. It's your life.
Best thing I read on here in a while. Great advice.
Agreed!0 -
When really, the "nicest" thing to do is just tell the guy upfront you're not interested so he can find someone who is.
And this is where I also have trouble. I was just talking to my friend about this yesterday. I become too concerned about looking like a snob or someone in that category by telling a guy 'no' when he asks for my number. Obviously I need to get over this quickly!
I *totally* understand this! You just feel that pressure to be nice, to not make him upset (a couple times I've given men the cold shoulder and then needed their help later! One guy even called me out on it!!)
When I became single, the initial set of guys who were interested in me were all guy friends from when I was married. My ex was VERY jealous, so most of my guy friends were men that I was not attracted to in any way. I felt so bad giving them the "cold shoulder," but in the long term, it was better to just be upfront. Some got the hint by my always saying "your such a good friend" and emphasizing the "friend" status over and over, or talking about other guys as if I didn't realize my "friend" was actually interested in me. Some I just had to directly say, "I'm not interested that way."
That hurts, but the cool thing is, now a few years later, I'm still friends with most of those guys. And now-a-days it's easier to tell a guy upfront that I don't think we are a good match.
Now... if I could just find a way to not be so hurt when a guy says that to ME, lol!0 -
When really, the "nicest" thing to do is just tell the guy upfront you're not interested so he can find someone who is.
And this is where I also have trouble. I was just talking to my friend about this yesterday. I become too concerned about looking like a snob or someone in that category by telling a guy 'no' when he asks for my number. Obviously I need to get over this quickly!
I *totally* understand this! You just feel that pressure to be nice, to not make him upset (a couple times I've given men the cold shoulder and then needed their help later! One guy even called me out on it!!)
When I became single, the initial set of guys who were interested in me were all guy friends from when I was married. My ex was VERY jealous, so most of my guy friends were men that I was not attracted to in any way. I felt so bad giving them the "cold shoulder," but in the long term, it was better to just be upfront. Some got the hint by my always saying "your such a good friend" and emphasizing the "friend" status over and over, or talking about other guys as if I didn't realize my "friend" was actually interested in me. Some I just had to directly say, "I'm not interested that way."
That hurts, but the cool thing is, now a few years later, I'm still friends with most of those guys. And now-a-days it's easier to tell a guy upfront that I don't think we are a good match.
Now... if I could just find a way to not be so hurt when a guy says that to ME, lol!
Yeah, I have gotten myself into trouble in the past by not saying 'no' when I should have. A simple "no thanks" or "no, that's ok" should suffice, don't you think? Is there really any 'nice' way to do it?0
