How Do You Handle Friendships?

neverstray

Many/Most/All of my friends are heavy drinkers, partiers, and bar flys.

What happens now? I've been 11 days clean and sober and avioding all my friends for now. Mainly, I need to. It's too hard to be with them and go through the pressure of having to drink, and it's too soon for me to sit in a bar without ordering a drink. I just know one of my friends will hand me a shot, regardless of what I say about it. So, I'm staying away. But, for those who have been through it, how do you deal with it? What should I expect? Will I lose most of my friends? Can I still be friends and just not drink (personally, I don't see how it's possible).

Just looking for some advice and guidance on this.

Thanks

alerica1

I don't want to preach AA....but we say that nothing has to change "except everything". Focus on your sobriety, every minute of every day, and everything else will fall into place. One day at a time and sometimes on minute at a time.

kristenstejskal

Aha! I figured out how to join! You would think that since computers were invented before I was born I wouldn't struggle quite so much with technology...but anywayyy..
I've only been sober (almost) 8 months so I am no expert, but I struggled with the same issue of balancing friendships and sobriety.. maybe I can offer some insight.
I was 21 when I got sober, a university student, living in a college town. As you can imagine, almost every social event here revolves around alcohol- bars, parties, bbqs, etc. When I decided that I needed to get sober, one of my first thoughts was that I was going to lose all my friends, and although I did not lose all my friends, I certainly lost a few. Don't kid yourself into thinking that your friends will support your sobriety. In general, society does not see the danger that alcohol can pose. Your friends most likely just see alcohol as a tool to have fun, they don't see the potential for destruction of lives that (I assume) you see now.
One thing became very clear to me early on in my sobriety: you have friendships that revolve around alcohol and friendship that don't. For myself, I determined that my friendships that revolved around alcohol were the ones where I never really got to know the (sober) person, rather, we would have lots of stories about the times we drank, but I would never call that friend to have lunch or go see a movie or go workout. The only time I would call that person is if I was going somewhere with alcohol and needed a partner for that occasion. I found that my "alcohol friendships" were the vast majority of my friendships and I think thats a sad statement, but one you might be able to relate to.
However, I did have several friendships that did not revolve around alcohol. These were the friends I would call up if I was having a bad day and they would suggest we go get coffee, not drinks. These were the friends that I knew would jump at the chance to go hiking or go to the lake without asking "whose bringing the alcohol". These friendships were much fewer and they weren't always my closest friendships, but these are the friends I cling to during my first weeks- scratch that, months of my sobriety. These are the friendships that I made a great effort to develop and strengthen and I'm so happy I did.
I certainly hope you have a few friendships that don't revolve around alcohol. If you do, they will be your lifeline. If you don't, make some! Go to an AA meeting! Introduce yourself! It won't be easy, but if will be a ****-ton easier than sitting at a bar, trying to not order a drink. I promise you that.
And for your friendship that do revolve around alcohol...maybe you will be able to sustain them, maybe not. That should not be your priority at this point. I made the tough decision to cut my loses and you know what..most of those "friends" stopped calling me after a couple weeks of me refusing to go out with them. Not one of them made any other effort to invite me anywhere (besides the party scene).
That was pretty wordy! (sorry).. So I guess what I'm trying to get at is 1) determine alcohol v. non-alcohol friendships 2) focus on the non-alcohol friendships 3) make more non-alcohol friendships! 4) choose to do whats best for YOU!
Hope I helped
Sister in sobriety, Kristen

alerica1

Aha! I figured out how to join! You would think that since computers were invented before I was born I wouldn't struggle quite so much with technology...but anywayyy..
I've only been sober (almost) 8 months so I am no expert, but I struggled with the same issue of balancing friendships and sobriety.. maybe I can offer some insight.
I was 21 when I got sober, a university student, living in a college town. As you can imagine, almost every social event here revolves around alcohol- bars, parties, bbqs, etc. When I decided that I needed to get sober, one of my first thoughts was that I was going to lose all my friends, and although I did not lose all my friends, I certainly lost a few. Don't kid yourself into thinking that your friends will support your sobriety. In general, society does not see the danger that alcohol can pose. Your friends most likely just see alcohol as a tool to have fun, they don't see the potential for destruction of lives that (I assume) you see now.
One thing became very clear to me early on in my sobriety: you have friendships that revolve around alcohol and friendship that don't. For myself, I determined that my friendships that revolved around alcohol were the ones where I never really got to know the (sober) person, rather, we would have lots of stories about the times we drank, but I would never call that friend to have lunch or go see a movie or go workout. The only time I would call that person is if I was going somewhere with alcohol and needed a partner for that occasion. I found that my "alcohol friendships" were the vast majority of my friendships and I think thats a sad statement, but one you might be able to relate to.
However, I did have several friendships that did not revolve around alcohol. These were the friends I would call up if I was having a bad day and they would suggest we go get coffee, not drinks. These were the friends that I knew would jump at the chance to go hiking or go to the lake without asking "whose bringing the alcohol". These friendships were much fewer and they weren't always my closest friendships, but these are the friends I cling to during my first weeks- scratch that, months of my sobriety. These are the friendships that I made a great effort to develop and strengthen and I'm so happy I did.
I certainly hope you have a few friendships that don't revolve around alcohol. If you do, they will be your lifeline. If you don't, make some! Go to an AA meeting! Introduce yourself! It won't be easy, but if will be a ****-ton easier than sitting at a bar, trying to not order a drink. I promise you that.
And for your friendship that do revolve around alcohol...maybe you will be able to sustain them, maybe not. That should not be your priority at this point. I made the tough decision to cut my loses and you know what..most of those "friends" stopped calling me after a couple weeks of me refusing to go out with them. Not one of them made any other effort to invite me anywhere (besides the party scene).
That was pretty wordy! (sorry).. So I guess what I'm trying to get at is 1) determine alcohol v. non-alcohol friendships 2) focus on the non-alcohol friendships 3) make more non-alcohol friendships! 4) choose to do whats best for YOU!
Hope I helped
Sister in sobriety, Kristen

yep, yep, yep

neverstray

Thanks for helping. i don't have any friends that are not drinkers or partiers. I don't knwo what to do with people if we are not going out to drink, or hanging out at their house drinking. Seriously. I don't know what to do with people sober. Typically, I used to get somewhat drunk just to walk into a social situation, and then it would go from there. But, not drinking and hanging out with other people is very foreign to me. It seems stupid and pointless. I mean, what do you do? What do two guys do together? It seems gay to me to go to a coffee shop or see a movie. Seriously, i don't know.

I'll be fine. I'll figure it out and will ahve to readjust my view on a lot of things. I've always said though, that with guy friends it's all about going out and having drinks and some laughs and hanging out with eachother. Without the drinks, it seems gay to just hang out with another guy. But, I'll get over it. I think I'm awkward right now because I don't know how to approach the situation. LOL. It sound like stupid thing, but it's something I have to work through.

vacherin

Congratulations on your 11 days!

The answer to your question rather depends on your friends, I think. I have been pretty lucky in that most of my friends and family have been supportive of what I am doing - they are happy to meet me in cafes and restaurants because they know I find the pub too hard, they bring me flowers instead of wine when they visit, they think of non-boozy things that they are happy to do with me instead e.g. walking, movies etc.

But I have one friend who has been beyond judgemental, in fact I would actually say HOSTILE, about my non-drinking, and seems to be on a constant mission to make me start drinking again. She is the one who will offer me alcohol as if I'd never given up, suggest pub evenings out as usual, and if I decline she says things like, "I think you've done this for long enough now - you should just stop." THESE are the ones you want to avoid. You can be friends with your old friends and not drink, but only if they listen to you and support you!

redredy9

Thanks for helping. i don't have any friends that are not drinkers or partiers. I don't knwo what to do with people if we are not going out to drink, or hanging out at their house drinking. Seriously. I don't know what to do with people sober. Typically, I used to get somewhat drunk just to walk into a social situation, and then it would go from there. But, not drinking and hanging out with other people is very foreign to me. It seems stupid and pointless. I mean, what do you do? What do two guys do together? It seems gay to me to go to a coffee shop or see a movie. Seriously, i don't know.

I'll be fine. I'll figure it out and will ahve to readjust my view on a lot of things. I've always said though, that with guy friends it's all about going out and having drinks and some laughs and hanging out with eachother. Without the drinks, it seems gay to just hang out with another guy. But, I'll get over it. I think I'm awkward right now because I don't know how to approach the situation. LOL. It sound like stupid thing, but it's something I have to work through.

I am at day 129 - so far from an expert but here is my 2 cents:

It sounds like you made the right decision to stop drinking. Having only friendships that revolve around alcohol and not being able to relate to others without alcohol is not healthy but it is a trait shared by so many alcoholics. Soberity, especially in the early days is about establishing new patterns and developing emotionally. It might be rough at first but with practice, socializing without alcohol will get easier and start to feel natural.

As for some of the things I do with friends now that don't involve alcohol:
- walks
- hikes
- swims
- coffee shops
- shopping
- movies
- concerts (especially outdoors)
- dinner
- brunch
- lunch
- hanging out at each other's houses without alcohol
- talk
- knit/craft
- picnic/BBQ

Eventually you'll be able to go to bars or other places where alcohol is served without endangering your sobrity. I have danced my pants off at a friends wedding and rocked out at concerts without drinking - you will too. I've even been to a bar and realized bars are not really all that interesting & they smell! LOL.

Good luck and feel free to add me as a friend.

kristenstejskal

Go fish, camp, hike, hunt, run, roadbike, mountain bike, rock climb, lift, box, play pick up basketball, join a softball league, go four wheeling or dirtbiking boat, tube, jetski, play raquetball, tennis, sand volleyball walk dogs at the humane society, meet for dinner, ski, snowboard, snowshoe, take a martial arts class, play cards, bbq, go play pool (somewhere OTHER than a bar)...
There are plenty of masculine activities to do. Just do what you already enjoy doing..but without alcohol! I think who youre doing them with is probably going to be more important than what you are doing. The plus side is that a lot of these activities involve physical activity, where as sitting at a bar involves ingesting poison (literally!) and extra calories. Yay fitness!

neverstray

Thanks all. i need some active friends. Right now, I'm shutting myself out. Maybe it's just a proces I have to go through. I'm not going to force anything. But, it would be nice if someone would call to go on a run or something like that. But, no one does. It's always to get "get a beer", which is code for go get drunk. It's never just a beer.

But, thank you for the suggestions. I think I'll just keep my ears out at work for people when they mention doing things, and if I'm interested, I'll express an interest too adn see if it takes.

Yes, I think bars are boring. The main thing I've been thinking about is that drinking is what people are doing. It's actually an activity. So, when you are drinking, you're just sitting and it gets boring. So, I see that now. I didn't used to see that.

nancycola

Hi,
I just joined this group. Great idea!

I was sober from 1/22 of this year to mid-July. I would not consider myself a full-blown alcoholic but it does run in my family and I did feel a tug to overdoing it and that's why I quit. Then we had a block party and I caved. But I want to jump back on the wagon.

In my 7 months I discovered it was easier than I thought. I brought my own beverages to dinner parties. Really fancy, fizzy ones or I made my own. Basil lemonade or some such. Usually I wouldn't mention that I wasn't drinking. I would just refuse a drink, "no thanks", and it wasn't an issue. But my friends are fancy foodies with wine, not shooters.

I never liked bars generally but I will say that if you're sober around drunk people the silly, giggly energy is contagious even if you're sober so you don't really feel like you're missing out. If they feel like you're judging them for drinking when you're not that's their problem.

Try the other activities suggested here too. A big help!

redredy9

I never liked bars generally but I will say that if you're sober around drunk people the silly, giggly energy is contagious even if you're sober so you don't really feel like you're missing out. If they feel like you're judging them for drinking when you're not that's their problem.

TRUE!!

kmel2479

Thanks for helping. i don't have any friends that are not drinkers or partiers. I don't knwo what to do with people if we are not going out to drink, or hanging out at their house drinking. Seriously. I don't know what to do with people sober. Typically, I used to get somewhat drunk just to walk into a social situation, and then it would go from there. But, not drinking and hanging out with other people is very foreign to me. It seems stupid and pointless. I mean, what do you do? What do two guys do together? It seems gay to me to go to a coffee shop or see a movie. Seriously, i don't know.

I'll be fine. I'll figure it out and will ahve to readjust my view on a lot of things. I've always said though, that with guy friends it's all about going out and having drinks and some laughs and hanging out with eachother. Without the drinks, it seems gay to just hang out with another guy. But, I'll get over it. I think I'm awkward right now because I don't know how to approach the situation. LOL. It sound like stupid thing, but it's something I have to work through.

It's anything but stupid and something I think everyone who gets sober deals with. It gets easier over time...situations get a lot less awkward. For right now you just have to embrace the awkward and go for it. You will be surprised that non-drinking friends/activities will come out of the woodwork and the friends that you only drink with and have nothing else to tie you to will fade away.

kmel2479

I agree with everything everyone has said here. It is all a learning process. Sometimes it is really hard and other times you wonder why you ever drank in the first place! It's all a very personal "journey", but I think that it's all a part of figuring yourself out. I for one and happy to have this littel group to remind mysefl that there really is more to the world than getting drunk!

neverstray

Thanks everyone for helping. I haven't missed the alcohol at all. But, I do miss the social aspect.

cmriverside

Thanks everyone for helping. I haven't missed the alcohol at all. But, I do miss the social aspect.

You said earlier that no one ever calls you. I tend to wait for things to happen too. But the people with the really full lives have learned to be the ones planning the events, organizing people making phone calls. I have a lot more to do if I make it happen. You just have to get used to people saying no, or having other plans, or flaking out at the last minute. If you pick stuff you like to do and find someone to go with you, it's a win/win.

Try AA. Most people don't drink there, and they've come up with ready-made group of friends.

alerica1

Thanks everyone for helping. I haven't missed the alcohol at all. But, I do miss the social aspect.

You said earlier that no one ever calls you. I tend to wait for things to happen too. But the people with the really full lives have learned to be the ones planning the events, organizing people making phone calls. I have a lot more to do if I make it happen. You just have to get used to people saying no, or having other plans, or flaking out at the last minute. If you pick stuff you like to do and find someone to go with you, it's a win/win.

Try AA. Most people don't drink there, and they've come up with ready-made group of friends.

I have so many things going on with AA that there is never a dull moment. We are not a glum lot. I am on the go every night if I choose to be and I choose to be sober....so I'm very busy. The best part is I can remember the fun I had the next day.

neverstray

Thanks. Maybe I will try to plan something or make something happen. I tend to do alone activities or individual sports.

I'll figure something out. Right now, it sucks a little bit. But, I'll work it out.