I am struggling.

kelbelzz

I'm currently "recovering" from an eating disorder, but I've binged all of the way back to my starting weight. (If not all of the way, it's pretty damn close.) I'm having a really hard time accepting myself weighing 135 pounds, but that's what my body "wants." That's not what I want. Not at all. I'd rather be 115.
I don't know how to get out of the binge/purge cycle. It's either I restrict heavily, or I binge. Which almost always leads to purging. I don't want to be this person anymore, I don't want to binge and purge.
But it's incredibly hard. And I don't really know what to do. Recovering is a whole new experience, and I guess it's helped me adopt the binging habit. "I should be eating because I'm recovering." But it always leads to excessive consumption.
I really feel horrible, and I need some advice.
Help me.

primrosehill

Bless you. I don't know how tall you are or what your frame is like so I can't really comment on whether 115 is a good target for you, but I do understand your anxiety and your need to break the binge/purge cycle - I've suffered from it for years. How long have you been on MFP? Do you try to eat 3 meals a day? It sounds crazy to some people, but it took me a couple of months just to eat in the way most people take for granted - breakfast, lunch, dinner - and although I don't get it right all the time tracking has definitely helped.

xx

kelbelzz

I've been on MFP since January. It's helped, and I did get down to 115. But given the events of my life, all of the stress and whatnot, I've developed the binge/purge cycle trying to get out of my anorexic tendencies. It's hard, really. And I'm not sure what to do at this point. I feel like it's either one thing or the other. I do eat three meals a day, with two snacks in between. Everything is healthy, but then I can't get self control and I bingebingebinge on absolute ****.
Which makes me feel like ****. And I don't know.
I'm tired of struggling. I just want to be normal

wattssal000

I really understand whe you are talking about. I managed to get myself thru 8 days binge free and then on day 9 I fell apart. I did really well and then for the next 5 days i either binged or ate in excess and now my pants are tight and I am desperate as I am sure you are as well.

I have been dealing with some type of eating disorder or disordered thinking about food and weight for over 14 years now. I am so tired of the process. I have an amazing man in my life who loves my body but I just can't seem to like it and now I have gained more weight and am misserable.

I also just don't know how to do anything but either restrict or overeat. Today I am eating under 1000 and I know that is not good but i am so desperate to lose weight again and feel comfortable in my clothes.

I know things will get better eventally right? If I could just let go of all the thoughts. I am going to try to stop looking in mirrors so much because that never helps me.

This is a battle that so many of us have although knowing that doesn't really ease your pain and struggles because we are all individuals.

Good luck to both of us. Just have to try to keep telling ourselves that weight isn't what matters.