Am I wrong?
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shammxo
Posts: 1,432 Member
I was asleep this evening and woke up to my 11 year old brother screaming bloody murder, "I hate you! I hate you! Who do you think you are?" He was yelling at our mother because she told him that starting next week, he needs to start going to bed at 9:30.
Alright, so a little back story first....
& I have talked to my sponsor about all of this, recognized it as a resentment and am trying to work past it.
My mother is an addict. We have a very rocky relationship to this day, and she frustrates me beyond belief. I'm always wrong, no matter how hard I work. I can tell her something and then she wont remember about an hour later, and then I'm a "rude little *****" when I get frustrated for having to tell her OVER AND OVER. I've had to take care of her, clean up her messes(literally and figuratively) and I've always had to play the adult. Growing up, my mother would go on drug/alcohol benders and leave my brother and I home for days. Of course, my dad is an enabler.
She used while she was pregnant with my now 11 year old brother, and he is now severely emotionally disturbed. She has never been there for him in any aspect of his life, except to try and discipline him occasionally (this is true of my other brother and I as well). At the age of 3, he found her drunk, high and passed out on our kitchen floor. She was supposed to be watching him. He called 911 and calmly told them in his tiny voice that "Mommy's dead." My dad and I came home to find an ambulance in the driveway and officers waiting. Well, now he doesn't listen to anything she or anyone of authority says, and neither does my other brother. And I completely understand why. You can't be absent for your child's entire life and then demand respect just because you're their "mother". I don't understand why she thinks she can play the authority card when she hasn't been an adult figure in his life at all. Nor mine, nor my other brother's.
The other day, she had been picking at me all day. "Don't eat that, you need to watch your weight." one minute. "You're to skinny, why do you starve yourself?" the next minute. And plenty of other things. So eventually, I yelled at her. Of course, I was COMPLETELY in the wrong, and "unprovoked". I left, and eventually I had to call to say sorry, even though I was not the only one in the wrong because I knew that if I didn't, I wouldn't have a place to sleep that night.
I'm tired of always having to be the bigger person, and of having a mother who is only half there. Whether it be physically or emotionally. I'm tired of her hating me and tearing me down. I'm tired of being so angry at her. I pray, and pray and pray, but nothing helps. It NEVER helps. I'm tired of her hurting me and my brothers, and my dad. Most of all, I hate that I hate her. It KILLS me.
Am I wrong for feeling this way?
I'm just tired.
I want a mother that I can count on and ask for support. Not a constant power struggle and daily battle to not lash out.
Alright, so a little back story first....
& I have talked to my sponsor about all of this, recognized it as a resentment and am trying to work past it.
My mother is an addict. We have a very rocky relationship to this day, and she frustrates me beyond belief. I'm always wrong, no matter how hard I work. I can tell her something and then she wont remember about an hour later, and then I'm a "rude little *****" when I get frustrated for having to tell her OVER AND OVER. I've had to take care of her, clean up her messes(literally and figuratively) and I've always had to play the adult. Growing up, my mother would go on drug/alcohol benders and leave my brother and I home for days. Of course, my dad is an enabler.
She used while she was pregnant with my now 11 year old brother, and he is now severely emotionally disturbed. She has never been there for him in any aspect of his life, except to try and discipline him occasionally (this is true of my other brother and I as well). At the age of 3, he found her drunk, high and passed out on our kitchen floor. She was supposed to be watching him. He called 911 and calmly told them in his tiny voice that "Mommy's dead." My dad and I came home to find an ambulance in the driveway and officers waiting. Well, now he doesn't listen to anything she or anyone of authority says, and neither does my other brother. And I completely understand why. You can't be absent for your child's entire life and then demand respect just because you're their "mother". I don't understand why she thinks she can play the authority card when she hasn't been an adult figure in his life at all. Nor mine, nor my other brother's.
The other day, she had been picking at me all day. "Don't eat that, you need to watch your weight." one minute. "You're to skinny, why do you starve yourself?" the next minute. And plenty of other things. So eventually, I yelled at her. Of course, I was COMPLETELY in the wrong, and "unprovoked". I left, and eventually I had to call to say sorry, even though I was not the only one in the wrong because I knew that if I didn't, I wouldn't have a place to sleep that night.
I'm tired of always having to be the bigger person, and of having a mother who is only half there. Whether it be physically or emotionally. I'm tired of her hating me and tearing me down. I'm tired of being so angry at her. I pray, and pray and pray, but nothing helps. It NEVER helps. I'm tired of her hurting me and my brothers, and my dad. Most of all, I hate that I hate her. It KILLS me.
Am I wrong for feeling this way?
I'm just tired.
I want a mother that I can count on and ask for support. Not a constant power struggle and daily battle to not lash out.
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Replies
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Hi Lady,
I don’t think you are wrong to feel that way at all. In fact, I don’t believe any feeling is EVER wrong. We are emotional beings and cannot help but feel feelings. It can be dangerous to NOT feel feelings….why do you think addicts/alcoholics use? Quite often, its because they cannot deal with negative emotions. My mom always called my dad an “emotional midget” because he stopped emotionally maturing when he started drinking and using at age 14. Even now, sober for 9 months, we STILL see his emotional immaturity. So my advice for the emotions, especially the negative emotions, let yourself feel them!!
Speaking from the experience of having an alcoholic/addicted father, I know how devastating it can be to feel powerless over the addiction of a parent. I was so mad at my dad for choosing to use, so mad at my mom for staying with him AND for choosing to have children with someone who was clearly not fit to have children. Often, I lashed out at my mom because I was scared of my dad.
I also felt like I had no one who could relate to how I was feeling. I was too embarrassed to talk to my friends (although they already knew from being at my house). The only person I felt could relate to me was my sister. I didn’t even think that my mom could empathize with me. Afterall, she chose to marry my dad and chose to have children with him. Did I choose him to be my father? No. She had the option to divorce him. Was there a legal process that I could go through to separate myself? Well, not really.
The most difficult part for being a child of an addict/alcohol for me was this reoccurring thought that I should be able to fix my dad. I am his daughter, flesh and blood, if anyone could save him, it should be me! If I’m not enough for him to change…what does that say about me?
I am finally, FINALLY beginning to comprehend the disease factor of addiction. I am learning that addiction changes the brain chemistry…the addict literally cannot see the extent of the negative impact they are having on loved ones. I’m finally truly understanding that addiction > love.
I’m so sorry youre going through this beautiful. I KNOW how much it hurts. We have to take care of ourselves and do what’s best for our own well-being. The one thing I am truly grateful about for having an addict as a father throughout my entire childhood through adulthood is that I KNOW I will never be that parent…and I know you won’t be either!!
Love, Kristen0 -
You don't hate your parent(s), you hate the disease.0
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My sponsor and I have decided that in addition to my AA meetings (I've been going to 6-7 a week) I'm also going to throw in an Al-Anon meeting once in a while. Maybe we would all benefit from it. Just a thought.0
