Really Really Struggling...help

georgie_lou

Hey,

I have never officially been diagnosed with an ED but I know I'mnot right. Here goes...

I weighed 53kgs and used to hate myself. I starved myself and binged, then vomited. The vomiting wasnt a regular occurance...however I began to binge more and more. The last 5 years have been a cycle of starving, binging, vomiting and binging. It came to a head at the beginning of the year when I went through pretty much every drive through in Christchurch and ordered whatever I wanted. Through a haze of tears and in about 10 minutes flat I devoured every last item. I have never hated myself more. I weighed 97kgs.

I joined up to MFP and have lost 10kg. Yes..well done me. HOWEVER, I am getting more and more unhealthy (in my head). I eat as little as I can. I still binge sometimes (though not nearly like I used to) and have started to have this constant nagging in my head. Maybe if I lost too much weight, people would notice and get me help. I've tried talking to mum and the bf but they just don't get it. How can someone so fat have an ED? I went to the Dr at my heaviest and requesting diet pills. They denied me and sent me to counselling but they just focussed on my family. Still I struggle. WHAT DO I DO?! I want help...but I want to be thin more.

HoneyBadgerPress

Hello. I hear you. I have fully recovered from Anorexia and Bulemia. I think we are in one of those boats that if family and friends are not in it with us- they can not wrap their heads around it. I think alot of it is denial and alot of it is simply not understanding. For example- when in High School I was diagnosed with Bulimia. My mother bought some lip gloss and a box of Clairol hair dye for me. You know- so I would feel prettier. What she - and alot of people- fail to recognize is that we ED people have something broken inside and our reality is more of a fun house mirror than a clear sharp image. A dark passenger of sorts that only we can see, feel, hear and understand.

So my challenge was- to discover what in me broke. Why , when and how do I want to fix it. Doesn't that sound easy? It wasn't. It took a solid year of baby steps. Hour by hour day by day painful deep soul searching work. Every day began with a 'why do I feel this way'. And don't let yourself BS yourself. Be honest. Drill down a few "Yes, but why's and get to the core. Write it down. When you go to do a destructive behavior. Stop. Ask the questions. Write the answers. Do not pass go. It's tedious but it works.

Counseling has never worked for me.- because they wanted it to be about my family and terrible past. But ED's are so much more personal- what's more personal than food and the life it gives and takes? This is solidly about you. So cut yourself a break and vow to not feel ashamed. Promise to do better by the most important person to you- YOU! The one counselor that made any sense to me (and I went through 12 ...TWELVE!) was the one who nearly lost her beautiful life to Anorexia. She said to me, "You don't need me. You need these steps. Do them. I will read your journal and call you on your BS. I will hold you accountable, hold you crying and hold you healthy". And she did those things. Step one was to make me see I am the driver and I can kick Dark Passenger out anyime I wish. And by any time...I don't mean you can do that tomorrow because it's so freakin' easy (not!!!). She meant in MY time. When I was ready.When I came to terms. So- step one- do you have a journal and a pen?

Write this down...cat@honeybadgerpress.com. If I can help- if you need to talk- if you need to yell- email me. I will give you my number.

lightheartedangel

I know exactly how you feel. My family doesn't get it either. I'm the biggest one out of all of them and they don't understand how I could have an ED. For me, each day is a new battle. I have to always be conscious about what I am putting in my mouth, and really have to resist the urge to just stuff my face sometimes. The drive thru thing? Yeah I did that too.

Take every day one day at a time... even one meal at a time if you have to. That's what I'm doing. No thinking ahead until I conquer the next meal in front of me. Also, balance I have learned is key. I'm still struggling with that too andin trying to find time for everything that I have to do PLUS try to eat healthy AND try to exercise. Even if it's just one time around the neighborhood. That's the level I'm at right now.

Please let me know if you need any more support. I know how much it helps to talk about these things, and it's one of the reasons why I signed up with MFP. Also, feel free to friend me if you want. I wish you a lot of luck.

georgie_lou

I've tried to explain it. Mum's read the books but believes the issue was resolved a years ago, when I stopped talking about it. Since then...everything has been done in private.

At the moment...it's more than "mind over matter". It's physical. It's the physical urge to do whatever I can to lose the weight. Sometimes it gets too much and I eat over calorie and I feel like *kitten*.

How can I fail at something so simple? My brain is split into 3...the good side wants me to eat healthy, knows that we can do this and cheers me on when I make good decisions...the bad side knows that starving myself worked in the past and all I need is some self control. The evil side is the part that screams at me everytime I eat something, healthy or otherwise. Yells at how fat I am and how much I didnt need what I just ate. Calls me stupid for losing control and eating something that wasn't planned. Scoffs when I only lose a few hundred grams and tells me I know why I failed.

Sometimes I think that the only way to get better is to get worse first. Give in completely to the evil side and make it obvious what's happening. I can't talk about it openly to anyone. The only way I can tell you now is because I can hide behind my computer.