The Case For Settling

Mellie289

2 - Perhaps it's a generational thing, but the girls you are describing just did not exist in my high school/university. Even the super pretty and popular girls had steady boyfriends by choice. Usually it was with a guy who was playing the field, no matter how popular the girl was. In other words, the guys had the options, or at least looked for other options.

I agree with much of what you said, but I would also suggest it could be regional. This author is now 46 years old, but according to Wikipedia, she was raised in Beverly Hills. It shouldn't be surprising that there may be some regions where people are so superficial and always looking for that 10 that they won't give an 8 a chance... whatever that ridiculous number scale means. She didn't really define it in the video. Usually when I see people rating others on a 10 point scale, the criteria have nothing to do with their character.

AnnaPixie

Honest question here.

How many of those that said they settled early upon reflection really just got caught up in the emotion of the whole dating thing rather then evaluating the guy?

I have observed many have an emotional reaction and value to the process to the exclusion to making a judgment of the person.
If that happened did you settle or just make a poor choice that now have learned from?

Carl, seeing as LOVE is an emotion, I dont see how any partner choice can be WITHOUT emotion!!

Doesnt matter how young or old you are, male or female, you still get emotional!! However, I would say that as you get older you are less forgiving!! Although, you're also more tolerant!! Hmm! I guess it just depends; mistakes happen throughout life, its just if you live with them or how quickly you kick them out!!! :bigsmile:

My question Anna was on the second part where I have sensed with many ladies the love was not in the person but as I said the process.
Emotional value equated to being asked and taken out,a guy one finds attractive at the side.

I knew of a lady once that confessed she had the dream of a house,kids,a white picket fence (her exact words) and she picked the first guy that was not just looking for sex and plugged him into it despite that he was a non functioning alcoholic.
Her love was the dream and the giddiness having a boyfriend brought...not in him as a person.

It of course did not end well.

Now looking back did she settle or did she do exactly as she planned to a bad result?
I can see where many would say the former but in my opinion it was the latter.

In another situation a month before her wedding day and the guy was drunk regularly and already throwing things (soft,a small pillow) at her in an argument.
Despite much advice she could not get herself free of the high of getting married.
It didn`t last a year.

Ah right. I can't answer for that kind of 'emotion' as I've never experienced it. I've only ever been with a guy long term out of romantic, heart stopping, cant-live-without-you kind of love

Just as pathetic and irrational....:laugh:

AnnaPixie

^^^^ Yup....those girls do exist. But there is also a breed of us who look, feel and act a thousand times better than we did in our 20's.. and have the confidence and emotional maturity to finally properly navigate dating and relationships. A big part of that is probably not caring if I ever have children, having my own career and not be willing to completely sacrifice myself or my dreams for a life that others have told me I should want.

Well said!! I think I fall into that category too. :flowerforyou:

I think once a woman gets past the broody stage she thinks a bit clearer. It's a bit different for women that want children or 'just' want to be married. For men that get broody too!! I've know men make bad decisions for the same reason!!

And just for the record I dont think many relationships are 'perfect' and I certainly dont look for perfection in a man, or a 'perfect' fit!! However, that's very different to 'settling' IMO. Settling is when you are with someone and deep down you dont really think its the right place to be and you know in your hear that you want more!!

Compromise, OTOH, is when your heart is lost in love and you'll do most things to run smoothly with that person cos you love them unconditionally, even if its only 75% of the time!

In my mind, there is a clear difference between settling with someone you like (because s/he treats you well and is ok in bed and is a good provider yada, yada!!) and compromising with someone you deeply love.

flimflamfloz

Despite much advice she could not get herself free of the high of getting married.
It didn`t last a year.

Over the years, I've come to realise that the only true inalienable right of human beings is their right to make mistakes, and, hopefully, learn from these mistakes.

Carl01

Despite much advice she could not get herself free of the high of getting married.
It didn`t last a year.

Over the years, I've come to realise that the only true inalienable right of human beings is their right to make mistakes, and, hopefully, learn from these mistakes.

In her case she did not.
That of course is a judgment call but without revealing all the details I think most would agree.
It is a rarity though when someone doesn`t as I have observed so that is a good thing.

yoovie

settling is gross.

lorro

This kind of drivel really bothers me!!! Ageist/Sexist crap!! DM I am pretty damn sure that my prospects are better now than they were 20 years ago!! For every single middle age woman, there is a guy. Not all older guys want young girls, and certainly, not many young girls want old guys!!! And you'd be surprised how many younger guys want older women!! So, the articles logic is clearly flawed!

If Madonna can pull a 19 year old, so can I!!!! :laugh:

As the lady herself said "what do you do at 50 then, just curl up and die?"

It's evident to me that you settle LESS as you get older!! Perhaps when you've finished settling now, get divorced by the time you're 40, you'll be able to understand why

...........


In my mind, there is a clear difference between settling with someone you like (because s/he treats you well and is ok in bed and is a good provider yada, yada!!) and compromising with someone you deeply love.

Ha! Totally agree with Anna, as usual. Moreover, people with views such as those expressed in the article often assume that everyone views relationships as commodities, whether they have set their sights too high and are being unrealistic as to what they can attain, or would have done better to lower their standards whilst they were more marketable in dating terms. The whole value system in terms of what constitues good relationships and happiness is flawed in my view. Life and love can be so much more than this. It's sad that so many people will never realise this, or will only do so at great personal cost.

arewethereyet

This kind of drivel really bothers me!!! Ageist/Sexist crap!! DM I am pretty damn sure that my prospects are better now than they were 20 years ago!! For every single middle age woman, there is a guy. Not all older guys want young girls, and certainly, not many young girls want old guys!!! And you'd be surprised how many younger guys want older women!! So, the articles logic is clearly flawed!

If Madonna can pull a 19 year old, so can I!!!! :laugh:

As the lady herself said "what do you do at 50 then, just curl up and die?"

It's evident to me that you settle LESS as you get older!! Perhaps when you've finished settling now, get divorced by the time you're 40, you'll be able to understand why

Hey Anna, you are right on this one.

I don't view age as being a bad thing at all. I've dated older and younger and while each has it's perks and downfalls, I'd rather date someone bit older than myself. I find them to be more sincere, less moody, and wilder in bed. That's just been my experience, though I'm probably in the minority when it comes to this.

Too bad your the same age as my son, I live right down the road from you

Could you possibly start this rumor in the neighborhood?:laugh:

christine24t

Its kinda funny reading this because I am not a settler by any means. I really want a boyfriend andI have had a few chances to date guys so-so guys and turned them down. I also really want to get kissed but I won't settle for the first pair of male lips. As much as I want a relationship I refuse to settle.