A Poof Rant...
SouthernSweetie74
Posts: 844
I know this is old... and everyone has been poofed on... and probably poofed...
But I need to rant...
I've been talking to this one guy for over a month. We've talked for hours, about so many things... We've had those deep intellectual conversations, we've talked about our fears, our hopes, our dreams... we've talked about fun stuff... every day...
And now he's ignoring me.
And I'm sad.
For some odd reason, I guess I thought he was different... I let myself get emotionally attached too soon... and now he's gone...
But I need to rant...
I've been talking to this one guy for over a month. We've talked for hours, about so many things... We've had those deep intellectual conversations, we've talked about our fears, our hopes, our dreams... we've talked about fun stuff... every day...
And now he's ignoring me.
And I'm sad.
For some odd reason, I guess I thought he was different... I let myself get emotionally attached too soon... and now he's gone...
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Replies
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If I had a nickel for every women that pulled that on me, I'd be able to buy a small country. That is why people don't get emotionally involved with anyone until you meet them a handful of times and think you are going to be an item. Save the deep conversation for pillow talk.
Also, date numerous people. This helps with not getting attached so quickly. I almost guarantee that your man dated others and probably met someone who he felt more of a connection with. Happens to the best of us. Sorry.
Welcome to modern day dating.0 -
I'm pretty sure I know why he poofed.
I'm not into dating several people at a time... I'm a one man woman...
And if I can't have a deep intellectual conversation with a man, I'm not interested in pillow talk...
Guess I'm not cut out for modern dating...
#flying solo#0 -
I'm pretty sure I know why he poofed.
Why do you think he poofed? Fill us in.
I have no freakin' idea why the last girl I talked to poofed, we were dating, then all of a sudden.. poof.0 -
Darla, clearly he wasn't the right person, and he wasn't on the same page as you in terms of the developing relationship. That's really hard, and I do understand the hurt and frustration.
BUT, there is a lot of truth to the idea that you need to avoid getting emotionally attached until you know someone (or at least see them in person regularly), and deep intellectual conversations make you feel like you know someone. Been there, done that....
Chin up, girl! It'll be OK, and you'll get back out there when you're ready again...
P.S. Glad to see you back in here :flowerforyou:0 -
I guess I started this, didn't I?!?! LOL
He poofed for one of the following reasons:
A. He wasn't who or what he portrayed himself to be.
B. He has been hurt previously and has built a wall up for himself as a defense mechanism. I was able to chip away at some of that wall, therefore, bringing him out of his comfort zone. And when I stepped over the imaginary boundary line this weekend with my PMS hormones, he saw it as an easy way to bail. And now, in his mind, he can blame me instead of focusing on the real issues at hand.
Guess which one I tend to believe.
I KNEW he wasn't ready... I'm not ready... but I face my issues head on... he buries his...
And I guess I know, really in truly, that he is not the one for me, that the timing sucks...
But I fell for the ideal of him. I fell for the man who expressed having the same traditional values as me. I fell for the man who showed me he was a good dad, a family man, a protector. I fell for the man who was my friend, who listened to me without judging me. I fell for the man who made me laugh and giggle like a school girl. I fell for the man who made me feel beautiful and desirable. I fell for the man who comforted me... who encouraged me...
I fell for an "ideal"
That most likely doesn't exist for me...0 -
Darla, clearly he wasn't the right person, and he wasn't on the same page as you in terms of the developing relationship. That's really hard, and I do understand the hurt and frustration.
BUT, there is a lot of truth to the idea that you need to avoid getting emotionally attached until you know someone (or at least see them in person regularly), and deep intellectual conversations make you feel like you know someone. Been there, done that....
Chin up, girl! It'll be OK, and you'll get back out there when you're ready again...
P.S. Glad to see you back in here :flowerforyou:
Thanks, Angie.
Note to self: stay away from smart guys who can have good conversation...
LOL0 -
I fell for the ideal of him. I fell for the man who expressed having the same traditional values as me. I fell for the man who showed me he was a good dad, a family man, a protector. I fell for the man who was my friend, who listened to me without judging me. I fell for the man who made me laugh and giggle like a school girl. I fell for the man who made me feel beautiful and desirable. I fell for the man who comforted me... who encouraged me...
I fell for an "ideal"
That most likely doesn't exist for me...
That doesn't exist for ANYONE within the context of a 1 month not-in-person relationship. This is the #1 reason I've seen for not getting attached to one guy before a few months out. Because even if you are seeing him as he is presenting himself, you are rarely seeing him as he IS. You're seeing him as he wants to be,as he wants you to see him.... just like he's probably seeing you as you want to be and presenting yourself to him as you want him to see you.
Then the inevitable kicks in, the bubble bursts, and one of you realizes that the other is a normal human being with normal human failings.
Except he isn't emotionally invested (and probably has other women he's also made a great phone/email connection to) so he poofs.I fell for the man who showed me he was a good dad, a family man, a protector. I fell for the man who was my friend, who listened to me without judging me.
These two sentences are not things you can determine in just a month. So often in my life I thought people were listening to me, befriending me, without judging me, only to find out what "they really thought' later. Doesn't mean we should stop loving, or trusting, or hoping. Just means we need to be careful not to draw too many conclusions before we've adequately tested a new friend.0 -
Note to self: stay away from smart guys who can have good conversation...
LOL
Haha, Darla, I'd do well to listen to that advice myself, but man, it would be BORING! Sorry he isn't ready, but you never know what the future holds. Even just the time with you confronting things head on may help him see his hiding. I'm sure it was nice for a time feeling that connection though...
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I fell for the ideal of him. I fell for the man who expressed having the same traditional values as me. I fell for the man who showed me he was a good dad, a family man, a protector. I fell for the man who was my friend, who listened to me without judging me. I fell for the man who made me laugh and giggle like a school girl. I fell for the man who made me feel beautiful and desirable. I fell for the man who comforted me... who encouraged me...
That doesn't exist for ANYONE within the context of a 1 month not-in-person relationship.
I know it's poor form to quote yourself, but I want to encourage you with this: ONE day, you're gonna meet someone who is still doing all these things for you after 3, 4, 5, 50 months. It just wasn't this guy.0 -
I fell for the ideal of him. I fell for the man who expressed having the same traditional values as me. I fell for the man who showed me he was a good dad, a family man, a protector. I fell for the man who was my friend, who listened to me without judging me. I fell for the man who made me laugh and giggle like a school girl. I fell for the man who made me feel beautiful and desirable. I fell for the man who comforted me... who encouraged me...
I fell for an "ideal"
That most likely doesn't exist for me...
That doesn't exist for ANYONE within the context of a 1 month not-in-person relationship. This is the #1 reason I've seen for not getting attached to one guy before a few months out. Because even if you are seeing him as he is presenting himself, you are rarely seeing him as he IS. You're seeing him as he wants to be,as he wants you to see him.... just like he's probably seeing you as you want to be and presenting yourself to him as you want him to see you.
Then the inevitable kicks in, the bubble bursts, and one of you realizes that the other is a normal human being with normal human failings.
Except he isn't emotionally invested (and probably has other women he's also made a great phone/email connection to) so he poofs.I fell for the man who showed me he was a good dad, a family man, a protector. I fell for the man who was my friend, who listened to me without judging me.
These two sentences are not things you can determine in just a month. So often in my life I thought people were listening to me, befriending me, without judging me, only to find out what "they really thought' later. Doesn't mean we should stop loving, or trusting, or hoping. Just means we need to be careful not to draw too many conclusions before we've adequately tested a new friend.
Janie, I know you're right, and I understand what you are saying. And here's the thing: I'm not saying that I thought we had "something" after just a month. Or that I thought he was the ONE.
More so... it was the IDEAL of who I thought I was getting to know... does that make sense? The HOPE that someone who did that for me might possibly exist...
The hope that there could be something more eventually down the road...
I think what I'm the most sad about is... I've lost that hope. I really had lost it long before I ever talked to him.. but talking to him kind of rekindled a little bit of hope inside me that maybe just maybe I could meet an intellectual, intelligent, interesting man who isn't bad to look at and who shares the same values/belief system that I do. Do you realize how hard it is to find even one person to talk to like that for me?
And... like I said in another post somewhere... I tend to attract the unavailable men... maybe because I, myself, am unavailable... I don't know...0 -
I know it's poor form to quote yourself, but I want to encourage you with this: ONE day, you're gonna meet someone who is still doing all these things for you after 3, 4, 5, 50 months. It just wasn't this guy.
I know that everyone says that... and I tell people that, too... but I'm not sure it's the truth. I don't consider myself a pessimist at all, at least not in most aspects of life... maybe I'm a bit jaded in the romance department... but really... are we all supposed to have a mate?
Aren't there more women than men anyway? :noway:0 -
Better he poofed now than after a few good in person dates. Still, poofing sucks no matter when it happens.0
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I know it's poor form to quote yourself, but I want to encourage you with this: ONE day, you're gonna meet someone who is still doing all these things for you after 3, 4, 5, 50 months. It just wasn't this guy.
I know that everyone says that... and I tell people that, too... but I'm not sure it's the truth. I don't consider myself a pessimist at all, at least not in most aspects of life... maybe I'm a bit jaded in the romance department... but really... are we all supposed to have a mate?
Aren't there more women than men anyway? :noway:
We all aren't suppose to have a mate. I'm sure many of us on this forum will never marry (I might be one of them). I, for one, have a very rewarding life and really don't mind not being married until I'm in my mid-40's or so. I'm hoping to find Ms. Right eventually, but I'm not sweating it.
I guess what I mean to say is that there are no guarantees in life. The best we can do is play the hand we're dealt, accessories what we've got, and hope for the best. Learning from our own mistakes (or better yet, the mistakes of others), can be quite valuable too.0 -
That's a good attitude, Mike.
I'm trying to get there... (Edited to say: Happy with being single)
I do learn from my mistakes, and, yes, I've definitely learned from the mistakes of others.
And I have a fulfilling life. I'm active and busy...0 -
are we all supposed to have a mate?
....
Aren't there more women than men anyway?
I don't think we are all "supposed" to have a mate. Mathematically speaking, the older we get the more women there are then men. There literally won't be enough for all of us to settle down, unless we're ok w/another woman.
That's why we have to come to terms with being single and learn to be happy regardless of finding someone to share our intimate thoughts and feelings with.
I've been married, and I've been single. I love male companionship, but I also love that of my friends.0 -
That's why we have to come to terms with being single and learn to be happy regardless of finding someone to share our intimate thoughts and feelings with.
I think so too.
I believe in my life, I will be fine if I end up single, as long as I have friendships with my family and friends. I was just thinking about this today. I saw this couple walking and drinking coffee and I wondered if that will ever be me some day. It is just little things like that. I will be fine buying my own car and home, and maybe even having a child on my own, but I also still want little moments like that with a partner. 99% of the time, I don't mind being single - I have accepted that it is a possibility in life, so I have prepared for it.
But about poofing...I had a friend who was dating a guy who poofed in real life. He wouldn't even answer the door to his house. Turns out he was "scared of being in a relationship..." :huh:0 -
I stepped over the imaginary boundary line this weekend with my PMS hormones, he saw it as an easy way to bail.
Wait... you did what?0 -
Hmm. In my experience, a lot of the misconception about someone (if not most of it) is not due to HIM misrepresenting himself, but to her filling the holes in the guy's personality (the bits of him she doesn't know yet) with what she would like in a man, with what she would like a man to be (her ideal man).
Because even if you are seeing him as he is presenting himself, you are rarely seeing him as he IS. You're seeing him as he wants to be,as he wants you to see him...I fell for an "ideal"
That most likely doesn't exist for me...
There is no way (in my mind) they could have covered and experienced such a breadth and depth of topics and life situations in a month forcing him to misrepresent himself about all these topics.
This is why I always advise people to meet ASAP when starting something online, because the more time you spend online the more "fantasy" you're adding to the mix.
Also, I'm unsure if the OP has even seen the guy in person (has she?) or if they have just been talking on the phone/internet. If they have just been talking remotely then this is just plain ridiculous, and there is absolutely no need to bring in the big words "there won't be anyone else after him", "I hope there are still good men out there" yadayada. NO!
If they have been talking in person, then it's a different story ofc.0 -
Hmm. In my experience, a lot of the misconception about someone (if not most of it) is not due to HIM misrepresenting himself, but to her filling the holes in the guy's personality (the bits of him she doesn't know yet) with what she would like in a man, with what she would like a man to be (her ideal man).
Because even if you are seeing him as he is presenting himself, you are rarely seeing him as he IS. You're seeing him as he wants to be,as he wants you to see him...I fell for an "ideal"
That most likely doesn't exist for me...
There is no way (in my mind) they could have covered and experienced such a breadth and depth of topics and life situations in a month forcing him to misrepresent himself about all these topics.
This is why I always advise people to meet ASAP when starting something online, because the more time you spend online the more "fantasy" you're adding to the mix.
Also, I'm unsure if the OP has even seen the guy in person (has she?) or if they have just been talking on the phone/internet. If they have just been talking remotely then this is just plain ridiculous, and there is absolutely no need to bring in the big words "there won't be anyone else after him", "I hope there are still good men out there" yadayada. NO!
If they have been talking in person, then it's a different story ofc.
Ha... I'm smiling because you're right. I am ridiculous... :happy:
Honestly, we talked more and about more topics in depth than with people I've known for years, even men I've dated for longer periods of time... even more so than my ex-husband...
Yes, we only talked via phone and internet/webcam.
I think there are plenty of "good" men in the world. I like men. I think men are great creatures. :flowerforyou:
My deal is this: I lost hope about finding the ONE man for me about a year ago when my husband who said vows to me and who claimed to love me walked out. It was a year ago exactly to Saturday. That's how I lost hope in the first place. Me thinking that it's difficult to find someone who is compatible with me, who shares the same kind of religious beliefs and values as me, who is attractive in every aspect to me, meaning physical, mental, and spiritual does not stem from this one guy... it stems from a lifetime of situations and circumstances... Which is why I said "I'm not ready for a relationship either"... meaning... I'm not ready to jump into anything... but I am a relationship type person... if that makes sense...
I am not devastated about the loss of this "friend" whom I've been talking with every day for hours... a bit baffled... a bit sad maybe because now I have no one with whom to banter or to talk about psychology or the meaning of life...
...
Can I find someone to tease, to flirt with, to joke around with? Sure I can. That's not a problem. (And I do... I have plenty of male friends with whom I can do this)
If I wanted to, I could find someone to have sex with.
And, you know what, I could probably find someone to tease, flirt, and have sex with. LOL
But that's not who I am.
And that's not what I want.
Sometimes I wish I could be happy just dating around...
I don't judge those who do... especially if you're happy...
But I have a friend who dates a different guy every week, and she's not happy. I'm like, why bother...
I'm traditional. I'm old-fashioned. I'm religious. Am I so much into myself that I can't look beyond that? no, but I know I won't be happy with someone who doesn't hold the same values and moral beliefs as I do. Do I think he has to believe everything and agree with me on everything? No, that would be boring. But I think we should think alike on some things... I won't get into it here...
Anyway... it is difficult to know a story fully when you're only given so much info on the boards...
Yes, I am silly and ridiculous much of the time.0 -
And, you know what, I could probably find someone to tease, flirt, and have sex with. LOL
OK, I don't think anyone feels sorry for you anymore
Sounds like you have it better than most guys and girl that I know. Let's view that glass as being half full today :drinker:0 -
are we all supposed to have a mate?
....
Aren't there more women than men anyway?
I don't think we are all "supposed" to have a mate. Mathematically speaking, the older we get the more women there are then men. There literally won't be enough for all of us to settle down, unless we're ok w/another woman.
That's why we have to come to terms with being single and learn to be happy regardless of finding someone to share our intimate thoughts and feelings with.
I've been married, and I've been single. I love male companionship, but I also love that of my friends.
There are times when I love being single.
There are times when I absolutely hate it. I feel ostracized as a single person.
I live in a small rural area in the South.. where it is very family oriented, couples oriented, marriage oriented... I am a teacher (even in my profession, most people are married) .. at a new job... I have friends. All but one of my friends are married.0 -
And, you know what, I could probably find someone to tease, flirt, and have sex with. LOL
OK, I don't think anyone feels sorry for you anymore
Sounds like you have it better than most guys and girl that I know. Let's view that glass as being half full today :drinker:
LOL My glass is always half full...until I spill it all over myself! 0 -
I'm just going to throw this out there..... are you sure he has actually "poofed," or is he just upset with you at the moment?0
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A couple of questions to ponder...
Had you met in person (it sounds as you had not yet) and he for the most part met your expectations do you think you would have stayed around?
In contrast to that given what you posted in the abuse thread had he turned out to be that kind of person were you already hopelessly sold on him and would not accept that fact or excuse it?0 -
Plainly put, what I'm saying is:
This is really good, and I'm glad this happened to you, and I hope it will happen to you again.Honestly, we talked more and about more topics in depth than with people I've known for years, even men I've dated for longer periods of time... even more so than my ex-husband...
This is really bad, but that was predictable.Yes, we only talked via phone and internet/webcam.
[He then poofed]
I think what bothers me is that you say "I let myself get emotionally attached too soon"... Too soon? After 1 month? It sounds like quite a long time to me without anything but words.
That's precisely why I insist on seeing people I meet online in the first two weeks, and why I keep communication at the minimum in the meantime. Before I meet those people, I'm just chasing dreams and I don't want to waste my time on this.
As usual, I'd rather learn to play guitar - it seems like a better use of my time.0 -
Just had to point out that the title of this thread could be, er, misinterpreted...! :laugh: Gave me a giggle, anyway.0
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And, you know what, I could probably find someone to tease, flirt, and have sex with. LOL
OK, I don't think anyone feels sorry for you anymore
Sounds like you have it better than most guys and girl that I know. Let's view that glass as being half full today :drinker:
Nah, any girl here could go to a club and get laid tonight after much teasing and flirting. It's just not as fulfilling which is why (most of us) don't do that (anymore). I'm sure most guys could as well, it's just far easier for women.0 -
Hmm. In my experience, a lot of the misconception about someone (if not most of it) is not due to HIM misrepresenting himself, but to her filling the holes in the guy's personality (the bits of him she doesn't know yet) with what she would like in a man, with what she would like a man to be (her ideal man).
Because even if you are seeing him as he is presenting himself, you are rarely seeing him as he IS. You're seeing him as he wants to be,as he wants you to see him...I fell for an "ideal"
That most likely doesn't exist for me...
...
This is why I always advise people to meet ASAP when starting something online, because the more time you spend online the more "fantasy" you're adding to the mix.
you're right. I am ridiculous... :happy:
Honestly, we talked more and about more topics in depth than with people I've known for years, even men I've dated for longer periods of time
Why, why, why are you having these kinds of in-depth, intimate conversations with someone you've never actually met???0 -
I hold off emotional attachments for as long as possible. I try to explain that I do so because once Im in.... Im in. If you're just playing around with my feelings while having a short meaningless sex fling.... then dont try to get me to fall in love with you. Be satisfied that I lust after you and dont need more. If you manipulate me into wanting more when you dont actually have feelings for me, and you just like having people fall for you and then move on a month later... well then I hope you realize there is a special layer of hell for you full of angry bitter hateful man bashing ice-vaginas.0
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Why, why, why are you having these kinds of in-depth, intimate conversations with someone you've never actually met???
I let myself do the same once. I talked to him for three weeks in depth and built a connection that shouldn't have been there. I finally met him and (to Flam's point) had filled in the gaps with MY ideal, not the real him. I let myself get physically involved with him even because I "pretended" that I knew him. Man, was I wrong. I don't even think I'd realized what I had done (at that time).
So I learned that you need to meet quickly and don't have that depth of conversation until you do. It's hard though... the internet style of dating leads to it easily, particularly if you're shy. It's enjoyable having someone to talk to so it's easy to start feeling a connection that they don't deserve.
Soldier on, Darla dear :flowerforyou:0
