A Poof Rant...
Replies
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Why, why, why are you having these kinds of in-depth, intimate conversations with someone you've never actually met???
I let myself do the same once. I talked to him for three weeks in depth and built a connection that shouldn't have been there. I finally met him and (to Flam's point) had filled in the gaps with MY ideal, not the real him. I let myself get physically involved with him even because I "pretended" that I knew him. Man, was I wrong. I don't even think I'd realized what I had done (at that time).
So I learned that you need to meet quickly and don't have that depth of conversation until you do. It's hard though... the internet style of dating leads to it easily, particularly if you're shy. It's enjoyable having someone to talk to so it's easy to start feeling a connection that they don't deserve.
Soldier on, Darla dear :flowerforyou:
This is actually one of the reasons I have mostly stopped internet dating. I get super excited about the person on paper and then when I meet them it's... fantasy. If I'm gonna do that to myself I'm just going to keep falling in love with fictional characters (Oh, Captain Jean-Luc Picard, take me with you to the final frontier!
).
It sucks because then I have no way of knowing if I might have liked them off paper first and I'm just disappointed by disillusionment or if they really are just not my type.
My guess is that my imagination is too active for internet dating.0 -
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:Oh, Captain Jean-Luc Picard, take me with you to the final frontier!
Well I personally want that 3-breasted lady in Total Recall.
So anyway, because of that, I always end up disappointed with online dating (although I've expanded my search to the Chernobyl area hoping for more success).
(EDITED as I was lying before)0 -
I'm sorry you got "poofed" upon....regardless of the circumstances, it always sucks on some level. Other than the obvious rude behavior, you're always left wondering what it was that caused the poof. You'd think that at the very least with the personal conversations you shared that some common courtesy could have been expected. But unfortunately, it just doesn't happen that way.
I'm going to a party this weekend where my latest poof will be in attendance. Haven't seen him in months. Should be interesting. My plan is to be confident, fun and fabulous! lol
Hang in there! He may circle back around and you may get some answers. But if you don't, try not to make yourself crazy over it. Time and space tend to help heal in these cases.
:flowerforyou:0 -
Why, why, why are you having these kinds of in-depth, intimate conversations with someone you've never actually met???
Honestly, Janie, I didn't know it was a bad thing... we actually became "buddies" when I was seeing someone else (in person). I didn't mean to fall into this trap... it just happened. It started off with just us bantering back and forth. Then, we realized we were both into psychology. And from there, it just seemed to snowball. We talked about our values, religious beliefs, what we expect and want from a relationship, etc. I quit sleeping for a few days because I couldn't get off my phone. I felt like I was in high school again, spending all hours of the night on the phone with him, even falling asleep...
Shake your head. Judge me if you will.
I realize some things, too, that I did not share earlier.
First of all, he actually was "safe" for me, this girl who is afraid of commitment. He was "safe" because he lives about 7 hours away from me. He was "safe" because he told me up front that he had been hurt previously and didn't know if he was even ready to think about a relationship. He was "safe" because he could talk to me without bringing his penis into the picture.
I admit it. I have a problem with dating. I have a problem with trusting men. I have a problem with sabotaging relationships. And maybe I should save this for another thread, but, talking to someone online is so much easier for me, and it usually keeps me happy enough that I can deal with being single.
I like the attention. I do. I enjoy being told that I'm beautiful. I crave it. I want to feel desirable. But... after my first husband died, I really felt like I didn't have anything left of myself to give to anyone. That's when I turned to online dating. I have talked to probably literally hundreds of men. Flirted with them. Just wanting that attention. And that was enough for me. No emotional attachment whatsoever. Flirt. Tease. Talk.
Then, I married my second husband. He promised to love me and my kids. It took me five years to trust another man enough to commit to a relationship. A year after we were married, he just walked out. He texted me while I was at work. He walked away and never looked back.
So... do I have some issues? Yes, I do. Lots of them. I haven't even begun to share my issues.
I have dated (in person) two men since my divorce. And here's what I did: I started feeling something more for them, getting a little too attached, so I tried to break it off.. or did something so that they would break it off, leaving me free and clear, and making it look like they were the ones who just vanished. Did I need to be with either of them? No. There were some things that I saw that let me know that, but instead of me being a big girl and putting my big girl panties on and just breaking things off with them... I pulled back, I withdrew... I made it to where they would have to be the ones to actually break it off.
But, unfortunately, Janie, I'm not happy unless I'm talking to a man.
So, I reverted back to my online habits because clearly I'm not ready to date someone in real life.
I did go on a couple of dates. Both guys were really nice.
But Poofman was safe. He lived too far away. Yada yada. So, I talked to him. He is actually very intelligent, too, which really helps. And, yeah, I allowed myself to get into those in depth conversations with him. It was actually fun, interesting, and I would probably do it again. He helped me in a way with some things. I think I helped him, too.
Did I really think we would ever meet or be in a relationship? No. Not really.
And again, I started this whole mess. Me. I did. Because I noticed that I was getting "too attached". I started thinking about our conversations and thinking about him more and more. So... I deleted him. But... then I changed my mind... and tried to apologize and tell him that maybe we should just keep our conversations a little bit more on the light side... and I'm guessing that he has decided to just move on and not forgive me. I didn't mean to mislead... I didn't poof on him, though. I told him I just needed some space. He poofed on me.
Yes, I realize that I'm to blame. Yes, I realize I have many many many many issues on which to work.
And, yes, last night, I was having a moment... and the man who had been giving me attention for the past couple of months was no longer there to give it to me. And it kind of made me sad.0 -
A couple of questions to ponder...
Had you met in person (it sounds as you had not yet) and he for the most part met your expectations do you think you would have stayed around?
In contrast to that given what you posted in the abuse thread had he turned out to be that kind of person were you already hopelessly sold on him and would not accept that fact or excuse it?
Oh, Carl. Be careful. You might find yourself in one of my fantasies.
:flowerforyou:
I don't know if I can answer those questions. My way of thinking tends to lean towards: if it looks too good to be true, it probably is, and I usually end up sabotaging the relationship somehow.
And as far as being in an abusive relationship... well, remember when I said in the thread that I still don't believe I'm one of THOSE women? Yeah. Refer back to that statement. But, to answer your question, no, I don't think I would allow myself to be in that kind of relationship ever again... and it's not even about me... but the mama bear in me is too protective of my children...0 -
Plainly put, what I'm saying is:
This is really good, and I'm glad this happened to you, and I hope it will happen to you again.Honestly, we talked more and about more topics in depth than with people I've known for years, even men I've dated for longer periods of time... even more so than my ex-husband...
This is really bad, but that was predictable.Yes, we only talked via phone and internet/webcam.
[He then poofed]
I think what bothers me is that you say "I let myself get emotionally attached too soon"... Too soon? After 1 month? It sounds like quite a long time to me without anything but words.
That's precisely why I insist on seeing people I meet online in the first two weeks, and why I keep communication at the minimum in the meantime. Before I meet those people, I'm just chasing dreams and I don't want to waste my time on this.
As usual, I'd rather learn to play guitar - it seems like a better use of my time.
You're right. A month of talking is a long time. But, as I said in my response to Janie, I didn't start off with intentions of ever even meeting him.0 -
SoutherSweet, you seem like a girl who's been through a lot. I can understand where you're coming from now.
You said in your one post, "but, unfortunately, Janie, I'm not happy unless I'm talking to a man.". I think you might be one of those girls who really thrives when they are in a relationship.
I would first work on your trust issues with men, then get back out there. Dating (especially online dating) can be difficult and there will be many poofs along the way. But for you, I think eventually finding that one person will be worth it.0 -
A couple of questions to ponder...
Had you met in person (it sounds as you had not yet) and he for the most part met your expectations do you think you would have stayed around?
In contrast to that given what you posted in the abuse thread had he turned out to be that kind of person were you already hopelessly sold on him and would not accept that fact or excuse it?
Oh, Carl. Be careful. You might find yourself in one of my fantasies. :flowerforyou:
I don't know if I can answer those questions. My way of thinking tends to lean towards: if it looks too good to be true, it probably is, and I usually end up sabotaging the relationship somehow.
And as far as being in an abusive relationship... well, remember when I said in the thread that I still don't believe I'm one of THOSE women? Yeah. Refer back to that statement. But, to answer your question, no, I don't think I would allow myself to be in that kind of relationship ever again... and it's not even about me... but the mama bear in me is too protective of my children...
I wish I had something brilliant I could write and suddenly you are by all the hurt and emotional issues of the past but unfortunately I can`t.
At the least you are recognizing self defeating things about yourself of today.
Without facing that things will not get better for you.
I suspect you have some real counseling but if not it would probably be a good idea if you can do it.
My guess is that it will take some time almost daily looking inward and trying to heal so a person trained in these areas that you can regularly talk with will be helpful.
One thing I can tell you though is that you can learn to accept the fact that you are beautiful,it is nice to hear it but let it reinforce what you know rather then be statement trying to convince you it is true. :flowerforyou:0 -
But Poofman was safe. He lived too far away. Yada yada. So, I talked to him. He is actually very intelligent, too, which really helps. And, yeah, I allowed myself to get into those in depth conversations with him. It was actually fun, interesting, and I would probably do it again. He helped me in a way with some things. I think I helped him, too.
Did I really think we would ever meet or be in a relationship? No. Not really.
We all have our journey to recovery. I still don't think I'm ready for a relationship, and I still sometimes wonder if the guys I go out with are simply my way of healing my hurt ego. But I like to think we both benefit- me as well as the poor guy who rarely meets a "sane, normal" woman online.
...realize I have many many many many issues on which to work.
We all do, hon. Especially me! xoxo -JJ0 -
I'm poofing on someone as speak (and for a damn good reason)
Here's the situation, a woman and I have been exchanging emails online for about 3-4 days. She tells me to e-mail her on her personal email, which she then gave me.
Well, then I searched for her and found her on Facebook. I was shocked to see the photos she has up there. She looks like a completely different person! I know online dating is a "buyer beware" type of situation, but this is ridiculous. Her online profile had 3 pictures all from the chest up (most were blurry as well). I didn't even recognize her from her recent photos on Facebook.
Lessons learned.. only contact women who have clear, full body photos. I don't give a crap if she has pictures of her skydiving, pictures of her dog, a sunset, or anything like that. I have a feeling I dodged a bullet here.
I guess the biggest reason for poofing online is if they misrepresent themselves in their online profile.0 -
Is this Brenda , Mike?! I'm almost afraid to ask how she misrepresented herself?!0
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Is this Brenda , Mike?! I'm almost afraid to ask how she misrepresented herself?!
Bingo. She just looked completely different on all her Facebook photos. I understand putting your best photos on a dating site, but with her, it was downright misleading. I've learned to stay away from profiles with blurry pictures.0 -
Is this Brenda , Mike?! I'm almost afraid to ask how she misrepresented herself?!
Bingo. She just looked completely different on all her Facebook photos. I understand putting your best photos on a dating site, but with her, it was downright misleading. I've learned to stay away from profiles with blurry pictures.
Sorry to hear about that.0 -
A couple of questions to ponder...
Had you met in person (it sounds as you had not yet) and he for the most part met your expectations do you think you would have stayed around?
In contrast to that given what you posted in the abuse thread had he turned out to be that kind of person were you already hopelessly sold on him and would not accept that fact or excuse it?
Oh, Carl. Be careful. You might find yourself in one of my fantasies. :flowerforyou:
I don't know if I can answer those questions. My way of thinking tends to lean towards: if it looks too good to be true, it probably is, and I usually end up sabotaging the relationship somehow.
And as far as being in an abusive relationship... well, remember when I said in the thread that I still don't believe I'm one of THOSE women? Yeah. Refer back to that statement. But, to answer your question, no, I don't think I would allow myself to be in that kind of relationship ever again... and it's not even about me... but the mama bear in me is too protective of my children...
I wish I had something brilliant I could write and suddenly you are by all the hurt and emotional issues of the past but unfortunately I can`t.
At the least you are recognizing self defeating things about yourself of today.
Without facing that things will not get better for you.
I suspect you have some real counseling but if not it would probably be a good idea if you can do it.
My guess is that it will take some time almost daily looking inward and trying to heal so a person trained in these areas that you can regularly talk with will be helpful.
One thing I can tell you though is that you can learn to accept the fact that you are beautiful,it is nice to hear it but let it reinforce what you know rather then be statement trying to convince you it is true. :flowerforyou:
Seriously, Carl, this is why I'm so glad you are my friend here. :flowerforyou:
Thank you. 0 -
I'm poofing on someone as speak (and for a damn good reason)
Here's the situation, a woman and I have been exchanging emails online for about 3-4 days. She tells me to e-mail her on her personal email, which she then gave me.
Well, then I searched for her and found her on Facebook. I was shocked to see the photos she has up there. She looks like a completely different person! I know online dating is a "buyer beware" type of situation, but this is ridiculous. Her online profile had 3 pictures all from the chest up (most were blurry as well). I didn't even recognize her from her recent photos on Facebook.
Lessons learned.. only contact women who have clear, full body photos. I don't give a crap if she has pictures of her skydiving, pictures of her dog, a sunset, or anything like that. I have a feeling I dodged a bullet here.
I guess the biggest reason for poofing online is if they misrepresent themselves in their online profile.
Thanks, Mike, for your kind words earlier...
sorry to hear that your potential date misrepresented herself.
That's one reason I put full body pics up... and am completely honest up front.. I would hate to meet a guy and have him go, "Ummm, no thank you." LOL (I've never had that happen by the way... if he likes my pics, he likes me in person... )0 -
I'm poofing on someone as speak (and for a damn good reason)
Here's the situation, a woman and I have been exchanging emails online for about 3-4 days. She tells me to e-mail her on her personal email, which she then gave me.
Well, then I searched for her and found her on Facebook. I was shocked to see the photos she has up there. She looks like a completely different person! I know online dating is a "buyer beware" type of situation, but this is ridiculous. Her online profile had 3 pictures all from the chest up (most were blurry as well). I didn't even recognize her from her recent photos on Facebook.
Lessons learned.. only contact women who have clear, full body photos. I don't give a crap if she has pictures of her skydiving, pictures of her dog, a sunset, or anything like that. I have a feeling I dodged a bullet here.
I guess the biggest reason for poofing online is if they misrepresent themselves in their online profile.
In 'most' cases you will never see the actual person look as good as they do/did in their profile pics. TRUTH.0 -
I'm poofing on someone as speak (and for a damn good reason)
Here's the situation, a woman and I have been exchanging emails online for about 3-4 days. She tells me to e-mail her on her personal email, which she then gave me.
Well, then I searched for her and found her on Facebook. I was shocked to see the photos she has up there. She looks like a completely different person! I know online dating is a "buyer beware" type of situation, but this is ridiculous. Her online profile had 3 pictures all from the chest up (most were blurry as well). I didn't even recognize her from her recent photos on Facebook.
Lessons learned.. only contact women who have clear, full body photos. I don't give a crap if she has pictures of her skydiving, pictures of her dog, a sunset, or anything like that. I have a feeling I dodged a bullet here.
I guess the biggest reason for poofing online is if they misrepresent themselves in their online profile.
In 'most' cases you will never see the actual person look as good as they do/did in their profile pics. TRUTH.
Not true...99% of the time people will look better in pictures but there is still that 1% who looks better in person than in pictures - Some people have to go by the personality first to see if finding out what he/she really looks like in person is even worth the effort - you can't go by pictures all of the time - You have to find out for your self in person. Just sayin' :happy:0 -
I know this is old... and everyone has been poofed on... and probably poofed...
But I need to rant...
I've been talking to this one guy for over a month. We've talked for hours, about so many things... We've had those deep intellectual conversations, we've talked about our fears, our hopes, our dreams... we've talked about fun stuff... every day...
And now he's ignoring me.
And I'm sad.
For some odd reason, I guess I thought he was different... I let myself get emotionally attached too soon... and now he's gone...
I know it does suck when this happens b/c people should have enough respect to at least say 'hey, I am really not interested in you like that' or something just to let you know it's done - rather than let someone hang on to hope b/c that is not fair and definitely not cool at all. They all seem different online. It sucks but until you meet in person you will never really know who they are.0 -
I'm poofing on someone as speak (and for a damn good reason)
Here's the situation, a woman and I have been exchanging emails online for about 3-4 days. She tells me to e-mail her on her personal email, which she then gave me.
Well, then I searched for her and found her on Facebook. I was shocked to see the photos she has up there. She looks like a completely different person! I know online dating is a "buyer beware" type of situation, but this is ridiculous. Her online profile had 3 pictures all from the chest up (most were blurry as well). I didn't even recognize her from her recent photos on Facebook.
Lessons learned.. only contact women who have clear, full body photos. I don't give a crap if she has pictures of her skydiving, pictures of her dog, a sunset, or anything like that. I have a feeling I dodged a bullet here.
I guess the biggest reason for poofing online is if they misrepresent themselves in their online profile.
In 'most' cases you will never see the actual person look as good as they do/did in their profile pics. TRUTH.
Not true...99% of the time people will look better in pictures but there is still that 1% who looks better in person than in pictures - Some people have to go by the personality first to see if finding out what he/she really looks like in person is even worth the effort - you can't go by pictures all of the time - You have to find out for your self in person. Just sayin' :happy:
That happened to me with the last person I dated. His pictures were good but when I saw him I was literally speechless for a couple seconds.
Unfortunately he was an emotional project so I broke it off with him.0
