A Poof Rant...
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are we all supposed to have a mate?
....
Aren't there more women than men anyway?
I don't think we are all "supposed" to have a mate. Mathematically speaking, the older we get the more women there are then men. There literally won't be enough for all of us to settle down, unless we're ok w/another woman.
That's why we have to come to terms with being single and learn to be happy regardless of finding someone to share our intimate thoughts and feelings with.
I've been married, and I've been single. I love male companionship, but I also love that of my friends.
There are times when I love being single.
There are times when I absolutely hate it. I feel ostracized as a single person.
I live in a small rural area in the South.. where it is very family oriented, couples oriented, marriage oriented... I am a teacher (even in my profession, most people are married) .. at a new job... I have friends. All but one of my friends are married.0 -
And, you know what, I could probably find someone to tease, flirt, and have sex with. LOL
OK, I don't think anyone feels sorry for you anymore
Sounds like you have it better than most guys and girl that I know. Let's view that glass as being half full today :drinker:
LOL My glass is always half full...until I spill it all over myself! 0 -
I'm just going to throw this out there..... are you sure he has actually "poofed," or is he just upset with you at the moment?0
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A couple of questions to ponder...
Had you met in person (it sounds as you had not yet) and he for the most part met your expectations do you think you would have stayed around?
In contrast to that given what you posted in the abuse thread had he turned out to be that kind of person were you already hopelessly sold on him and would not accept that fact or excuse it?0 -
Plainly put, what I'm saying is:
This is really good, and I'm glad this happened to you, and I hope it will happen to you again.Honestly, we talked more and about more topics in depth than with people I've known for years, even men I've dated for longer periods of time... even more so than my ex-husband...
This is really bad, but that was predictable.Yes, we only talked via phone and internet/webcam.
[He then poofed]
I think what bothers me is that you say "I let myself get emotionally attached too soon"... Too soon? After 1 month? It sounds like quite a long time to me without anything but words.
That's precisely why I insist on seeing people I meet online in the first two weeks, and why I keep communication at the minimum in the meantime. Before I meet those people, I'm just chasing dreams and I don't want to waste my time on this.
As usual, I'd rather learn to play guitar - it seems like a better use of my time.0 -
Just had to point out that the title of this thread could be, er, misinterpreted...! :laugh: Gave me a giggle, anyway.0
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And, you know what, I could probably find someone to tease, flirt, and have sex with. LOL
OK, I don't think anyone feels sorry for you anymore
Sounds like you have it better than most guys and girl that I know. Let's view that glass as being half full today :drinker:
Nah, any girl here could go to a club and get laid tonight after much teasing and flirting. It's just not as fulfilling which is why (most of us) don't do that (anymore). I'm sure most guys could as well, it's just far easier for women.0 -
Hmm. In my experience, a lot of the misconception about someone (if not most of it) is not due to HIM misrepresenting himself, but to her filling the holes in the guy's personality (the bits of him she doesn't know yet) with what she would like in a man, with what she would like a man to be (her ideal man).
Because even if you are seeing him as he is presenting himself, you are rarely seeing him as he IS. You're seeing him as he wants to be,as he wants you to see him...I fell for an "ideal"
That most likely doesn't exist for me...
...
This is why I always advise people to meet ASAP when starting something online, because the more time you spend online the more "fantasy" you're adding to the mix.
you're right. I am ridiculous... :happy:
Honestly, we talked more and about more topics in depth than with people I've known for years, even men I've dated for longer periods of time
Why, why, why are you having these kinds of in-depth, intimate conversations with someone you've never actually met???0 -
I hold off emotional attachments for as long as possible. I try to explain that I do so because once Im in.... Im in. If you're just playing around with my feelings while having a short meaningless sex fling.... then dont try to get me to fall in love with you. Be satisfied that I lust after you and dont need more. If you manipulate me into wanting more when you dont actually have feelings for me, and you just like having people fall for you and then move on a month later... well then I hope you realize there is a special layer of hell for you full of angry bitter hateful man bashing ice-vaginas.0
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Why, why, why are you having these kinds of in-depth, intimate conversations with someone you've never actually met???
I let myself do the same once. I talked to him for three weeks in depth and built a connection that shouldn't have been there. I finally met him and (to Flam's point) had filled in the gaps with MY ideal, not the real him. I let myself get physically involved with him even because I "pretended" that I knew him. Man, was I wrong. I don't even think I'd realized what I had done (at that time).
So I learned that you need to meet quickly and don't have that depth of conversation until you do. It's hard though... the internet style of dating leads to it easily, particularly if you're shy. It's enjoyable having someone to talk to so it's easy to start feeling a connection that they don't deserve.
Soldier on, Darla dear :flowerforyou:0 -
Why, why, why are you having these kinds of in-depth, intimate conversations with someone you've never actually met???
I let myself do the same once. I talked to him for three weeks in depth and built a connection that shouldn't have been there. I finally met him and (to Flam's point) had filled in the gaps with MY ideal, not the real him. I let myself get physically involved with him even because I "pretended" that I knew him. Man, was I wrong. I don't even think I'd realized what I had done (at that time).
So I learned that you need to meet quickly and don't have that depth of conversation until you do. It's hard though... the internet style of dating leads to it easily, particularly if you're shy. It's enjoyable having someone to talk to so it's easy to start feeling a connection that they don't deserve.
Soldier on, Darla dear :flowerforyou:
This is actually one of the reasons I have mostly stopped internet dating. I get super excited about the person on paper and then when I meet them it's... fantasy. If I'm gonna do that to myself I'm just going to keep falling in love with fictional characters (Oh, Captain Jean-Luc Picard, take me with you to the final frontier!
).
It sucks because then I have no way of knowing if I might have liked them off paper first and I'm just disappointed by disillusionment or if they really are just not my type.
My guess is that my imagination is too active for internet dating.0 -
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:Oh, Captain Jean-Luc Picard, take me with you to the final frontier!
Well I personally want that 3-breasted lady in Total Recall.
So anyway, because of that, I always end up disappointed with online dating (although I've expanded my search to the Chernobyl area hoping for more success).
(EDITED as I was lying before)0 -
I'm sorry you got "poofed" upon....regardless of the circumstances, it always sucks on some level. Other than the obvious rude behavior, you're always left wondering what it was that caused the poof. You'd think that at the very least with the personal conversations you shared that some common courtesy could have been expected. But unfortunately, it just doesn't happen that way.
I'm going to a party this weekend where my latest poof will be in attendance. Haven't seen him in months. Should be interesting. My plan is to be confident, fun and fabulous! lol
Hang in there! He may circle back around and you may get some answers. But if you don't, try not to make yourself crazy over it. Time and space tend to help heal in these cases.
:flowerforyou:0 -
Why, why, why are you having these kinds of in-depth, intimate conversations with someone you've never actually met???
Honestly, Janie, I didn't know it was a bad thing... we actually became "buddies" when I was seeing someone else (in person). I didn't mean to fall into this trap... it just happened. It started off with just us bantering back and forth. Then, we realized we were both into psychology. And from there, it just seemed to snowball. We talked about our values, religious beliefs, what we expect and want from a relationship, etc. I quit sleeping for a few days because I couldn't get off my phone. I felt like I was in high school again, spending all hours of the night on the phone with him, even falling asleep...
Shake your head. Judge me if you will.
I realize some things, too, that I did not share earlier.
First of all, he actually was "safe" for me, this girl who is afraid of commitment. He was "safe" because he lives about 7 hours away from me. He was "safe" because he told me up front that he had been hurt previously and didn't know if he was even ready to think about a relationship. He was "safe" because he could talk to me without bringing his penis into the picture.
I admit it. I have a problem with dating. I have a problem with trusting men. I have a problem with sabotaging relationships. And maybe I should save this for another thread, but, talking to someone online is so much easier for me, and it usually keeps me happy enough that I can deal with being single.
I like the attention. I do. I enjoy being told that I'm beautiful. I crave it. I want to feel desirable. But... after my first husband died, I really felt like I didn't have anything left of myself to give to anyone. That's when I turned to online dating. I have talked to probably literally hundreds of men. Flirted with them. Just wanting that attention. And that was enough for me. No emotional attachment whatsoever. Flirt. Tease. Talk.
Then, I married my second husband. He promised to love me and my kids. It took me five years to trust another man enough to commit to a relationship. A year after we were married, he just walked out. He texted me while I was at work. He walked away and never looked back.
So... do I have some issues? Yes, I do. Lots of them. I haven't even begun to share my issues.
I have dated (in person) two men since my divorce. And here's what I did: I started feeling something more for them, getting a little too attached, so I tried to break it off.. or did something so that they would break it off, leaving me free and clear, and making it look like they were the ones who just vanished. Did I need to be with either of them? No. There were some things that I saw that let me know that, but instead of me being a big girl and putting my big girl panties on and just breaking things off with them... I pulled back, I withdrew... I made it to where they would have to be the ones to actually break it off.
But, unfortunately, Janie, I'm not happy unless I'm talking to a man.
So, I reverted back to my online habits because clearly I'm not ready to date someone in real life.
I did go on a couple of dates. Both guys were really nice.
But Poofman was safe. He lived too far away. Yada yada. So, I talked to him. He is actually very intelligent, too, which really helps. And, yeah, I allowed myself to get into those in depth conversations with him. It was actually fun, interesting, and I would probably do it again. He helped me in a way with some things. I think I helped him, too.
Did I really think we would ever meet or be in a relationship? No. Not really.
And again, I started this whole mess. Me. I did. Because I noticed that I was getting "too attached". I started thinking about our conversations and thinking about him more and more. So... I deleted him. But... then I changed my mind... and tried to apologize and tell him that maybe we should just keep our conversations a little bit more on the light side... and I'm guessing that he has decided to just move on and not forgive me. I didn't mean to mislead... I didn't poof on him, though. I told him I just needed some space. He poofed on me.
Yes, I realize that I'm to blame. Yes, I realize I have many many many many issues on which to work.
And, yes, last night, I was having a moment... and the man who had been giving me attention for the past couple of months was no longer there to give it to me. And it kind of made me sad.0 -
A couple of questions to ponder...
Had you met in person (it sounds as you had not yet) and he for the most part met your expectations do you think you would have stayed around?
In contrast to that given what you posted in the abuse thread had he turned out to be that kind of person were you already hopelessly sold on him and would not accept that fact or excuse it?
Oh, Carl. Be careful. You might find yourself in one of my fantasies.
:flowerforyou:
I don't know if I can answer those questions. My way of thinking tends to lean towards: if it looks too good to be true, it probably is, and I usually end up sabotaging the relationship somehow.
And as far as being in an abusive relationship... well, remember when I said in the thread that I still don't believe I'm one of THOSE women? Yeah. Refer back to that statement. But, to answer your question, no, I don't think I would allow myself to be in that kind of relationship ever again... and it's not even about me... but the mama bear in me is too protective of my children...0 -
Plainly put, what I'm saying is:
This is really good, and I'm glad this happened to you, and I hope it will happen to you again.Honestly, we talked more and about more topics in depth than with people I've known for years, even men I've dated for longer periods of time... even more so than my ex-husband...
This is really bad, but that was predictable.Yes, we only talked via phone and internet/webcam.
[He then poofed]
I think what bothers me is that you say "I let myself get emotionally attached too soon"... Too soon? After 1 month? It sounds like quite a long time to me without anything but words.
That's precisely why I insist on seeing people I meet online in the first two weeks, and why I keep communication at the minimum in the meantime. Before I meet those people, I'm just chasing dreams and I don't want to waste my time on this.
As usual, I'd rather learn to play guitar - it seems like a better use of my time.
You're right. A month of talking is a long time. But, as I said in my response to Janie, I didn't start off with intentions of ever even meeting him.0 -
SoutherSweet, you seem like a girl who's been through a lot. I can understand where you're coming from now.
You said in your one post, "but, unfortunately, Janie, I'm not happy unless I'm talking to a man.". I think you might be one of those girls who really thrives when they are in a relationship.
I would first work on your trust issues with men, then get back out there. Dating (especially online dating) can be difficult and there will be many poofs along the way. But for you, I think eventually finding that one person will be worth it.0 -
A couple of questions to ponder...
Had you met in person (it sounds as you had not yet) and he for the most part met your expectations do you think you would have stayed around?
In contrast to that given what you posted in the abuse thread had he turned out to be that kind of person were you already hopelessly sold on him and would not accept that fact or excuse it?
Oh, Carl. Be careful. You might find yourself in one of my fantasies. :flowerforyou:
I don't know if I can answer those questions. My way of thinking tends to lean towards: if it looks too good to be true, it probably is, and I usually end up sabotaging the relationship somehow.
And as far as being in an abusive relationship... well, remember when I said in the thread that I still don't believe I'm one of THOSE women? Yeah. Refer back to that statement. But, to answer your question, no, I don't think I would allow myself to be in that kind of relationship ever again... and it's not even about me... but the mama bear in me is too protective of my children...
I wish I had something brilliant I could write and suddenly you are by all the hurt and emotional issues of the past but unfortunately I can`t.
At the least you are recognizing self defeating things about yourself of today.
Without facing that things will not get better for you.
I suspect you have some real counseling but if not it would probably be a good idea if you can do it.
My guess is that it will take some time almost daily looking inward and trying to heal so a person trained in these areas that you can regularly talk with will be helpful.
One thing I can tell you though is that you can learn to accept the fact that you are beautiful,it is nice to hear it but let it reinforce what you know rather then be statement trying to convince you it is true. :flowerforyou:0 -
But Poofman was safe. He lived too far away. Yada yada. So, I talked to him. He is actually very intelligent, too, which really helps. And, yeah, I allowed myself to get into those in depth conversations with him. It was actually fun, interesting, and I would probably do it again. He helped me in a way with some things. I think I helped him, too.
Did I really think we would ever meet or be in a relationship? No. Not really.
We all have our journey to recovery. I still don't think I'm ready for a relationship, and I still sometimes wonder if the guys I go out with are simply my way of healing my hurt ego. But I like to think we both benefit- me as well as the poor guy who rarely meets a "sane, normal" woman online.
...realize I have many many many many issues on which to work.
We all do, hon. Especially me! xoxo -JJ0 -
I'm poofing on someone as speak (and for a damn good reason)
Here's the situation, a woman and I have been exchanging emails online for about 3-4 days. She tells me to e-mail her on her personal email, which she then gave me.
Well, then I searched for her and found her on Facebook. I was shocked to see the photos she has up there. She looks like a completely different person! I know online dating is a "buyer beware" type of situation, but this is ridiculous. Her online profile had 3 pictures all from the chest up (most were blurry as well). I didn't even recognize her from her recent photos on Facebook.
Lessons learned.. only contact women who have clear, full body photos. I don't give a crap if she has pictures of her skydiving, pictures of her dog, a sunset, or anything like that. I have a feeling I dodged a bullet here.
I guess the biggest reason for poofing online is if they misrepresent themselves in their online profile.0
