We are pleased to announce that as of March 4, 2025, an updated Rich Text Editor has been introduced in the MyFitnessPal Community. To learn more about the changes, please click here. We look forward to sharing this new feature with you!
Gender bias and singledom
dbrightwell1270
Posts: 1,732 Member
Despite the threads here and there about "why I love men" or "why I love women" there has been a theme in much of the recent posts about what's wrong with the opposite gender. It has mean wondering if there is a direction of causality between a cynical attitude of the opposite sex and not having much luck on the dating front. If so, what is the direction of that causality? Is it that bad experiences have led to distrust, suspicion or down-right hostility? Is it that distrust and suspicion have led to bad experiences? Does it run in both directions and goes a seemingly never-ending loop of hopelessness?
My personal annoyance is with women who complain that men only want them for sex. That the women are good enough to nail but too fat for a serious relationship. It mainly annoy(s)(ed) me because at my heaviest, women didn't even want me for sex. The times I'd ask a woman out on a date, I could actually see the fear and discomfort she was experiencing because I asked. While the choice of words were very polite in declining the offers, the body language screamed, YOU FAT PIG! EWW! The only interest any women showed me were a rare few female students. It was always coincidentally at the end of the semester when grades were about to be finalized and these young "ladies" always seemed to be failing the class. (No I never acted on it.)
I have much better luck getting dates. First dates usually lead to a desire for 2nd dates but I still have a generalized distain that I have to fight off. I have to constantly tell myself that I can't blame the current girl for my past. She wouldn't have dated me 180 pounds ago but things have changed and that reality was a big part of what motivated me to lose the weight. Get to know her, enjoy her company, and don't sabbotage my chances by runnnig her off.
My personal annoyance is with women who complain that men only want them for sex. That the women are good enough to nail but too fat for a serious relationship. It mainly annoy(s)(ed) me because at my heaviest, women didn't even want me for sex. The times I'd ask a woman out on a date, I could actually see the fear and discomfort she was experiencing because I asked. While the choice of words were very polite in declining the offers, the body language screamed, YOU FAT PIG! EWW! The only interest any women showed me were a rare few female students. It was always coincidentally at the end of the semester when grades were about to be finalized and these young "ladies" always seemed to be failing the class. (No I never acted on it.)
I have much better luck getting dates. First dates usually lead to a desire for 2nd dates but I still have a generalized distain that I have to fight off. I have to constantly tell myself that I can't blame the current girl for my past. She wouldn't have dated me 180 pounds ago but things have changed and that reality was a big part of what motivated me to lose the weight. Get to know her, enjoy her company, and don't sabbotage my chances by runnnig her off.
0
Replies
-
I do think that being cynical about the opposite sex does affect your chances of happily dating someone.
For me (maybe because I have a large pool of male friends) I have no ill will to men in general lol. I accept that alot of what went wrong in my last relationship was my fault as well as his. In MOST cases it takes to people to derail a relationship. However I have noticed with many females that I know the more bad mouthing a women does about men the less likely she is to be dating or even attracting men. I dont mean talking horrible about men infront of them but even just dispaging them with other women. My best example is my sister. She is gorgious. In fact she is pretty much Mike's type. 5'3 107 pounds slim build with hips. Shes got the olive skin that somehow completely passed me by. She has super long hair and stunning green eyes. However she is single and has always been single. Since she moved in almost 2 years ago she has dated 2 guys both who were friends of mine and both of which were over within 2 months. It biols down to her attitude. She has a superiority complex and generally looks down on people in general. Now she is a smart fun female but she emits negativity like an aura. I love my sister dearly. When she starts complaining about the guys she meets however I want to smother her with a pillow. I am waiting til the day someone (not me) points out to her that the common denominator in all of her problems in relationships is HER. I also have male friends who are this ways. Very attractive but single simply because they seem to emit an aura of negativity about dating and the oppisite sex.
I never quite understood how one can paint a whole gender based on the issue you have encountered with a few men.0 -
Probably, this is why she's not jumping to volunteer to do her fair share of cleaning that you mentioned in the other thread. She probably thinks it's beneath her. That attitude tends to cover most areas of a person's life.My best example is my sister. She is gorgious. In fact she is pretty much Mike's type. 5'3 107 pounds slim build with hips. Shes got the olive skin that somehow completely passed me by. She has super long hair and stunning green eyes. However she is single and has always been single. Since she moved in almost 2 years ago she has dated 2 guys both who were friends of mine and both of which were over within 2 months. It biols down to her attitude. She has a superiority complex and generally looks down on people in general.0 -
My best example is my sister. She is gorgious. In fact she is pretty much Mike's type. 5'3 107 pounds slim build with hips. Shes got the olive skin that somehow completely passed me by. She has super long hair and stunning green eyes. However she is single and has always been single. Since she moved in almost 2 years ago she has dated 2 guys both who were friends of mine and both of which were over within 2 months. It biols down to her attitude. She has a superiority complex and generally looks down on people in general. Now she is a smart fun female but she emits negativity like an aura. I love my sister dearly. When she starts complaining about the guys she meets however I want to smother her with a pillow. I am waiting til the day someone (not me) points out to her that the common denominator in all of her problems in relationships is HER. I also have male friends who are this ways. Very attractive but single simply because they seem to emit an aura of negativity about dating and the oppisite sex.
I never quite understood how one can paint a whole gender based on the issue you have encountered with a few men.
Maybe you should introduce her to Mike. Don't you guys live in the same area?0 -
I think a lot of time what gets forgotten is that despite all of us being individuals there are outlooks on life and events that are colored by the differences between men and women.
What emotions we have and how we react to them,societies expectations and of course lifes experiences that can be gender affected.
There are things that seem as clear as day to us guys and a lady can`t begin to comprehend it that way and vice versa.
Sometimes it is hard to step back and try to grasp and accept that I think.0 -
My best example is my sister. She is gorgious. In fact she is pretty much Mike's type. 5'3 107 pounds slim build with hips. Shes got the olive skin that somehow completely passed me by. She has super long hair and stunning green eyes. However she is single and has always been single. Since she moved in almost 2 years ago she has dated 2 guys both who were friends of mine and both of which were over within 2 months. It biols down to her attitude. She has a superiority complex and generally looks down on people in general. Now she is a smart fun female but she emits negativity like an aura. I love my sister dearly. When she starts complaining about the guys she meets however I want to smother her with a pillow. I am waiting til the day someone (not me) points out to her that the common denominator in all of her problems in relationships is HER. I also have male friends who are this ways. Very attractive but single simply because they seem to emit an aura of negativity about dating and the oppisite sex.
I never quite understood how one can paint a whole gender based on the issue you have encountered with a few men.
Maybe you should introduce her to Mike. Don't you guys live in the same area?
Not a bad idea. Depends on where Jenbit's sister is. The traffic between Broward and Dade Counties there is quite burdensome.0 -
Women rarely want a man for sex. Maybe more often in this board, lol, but most women use a man for his money, power, clout, etc not sex. This is why so many men get irritated when their awesome woman no longer wants sex once the relationship becomes permanent... because she wasn't interested in HIM, just in what he can do for her, or the role he can play ("just insert husband here").My personal annoyance is with women who complain that men only want them for sex. That the women are good enough to nail but too fat for a serious relationship. It mainly annoy(s)(ed) me because at my heaviest, women didn't even want me for sex.
This is why I am surprised you don't understand where the "men only want them for sex" women are coming from. In your case, women wanted you for grades, but not for *YOU.* It's the same thing, just dressed in terms that are more important to the female gender.The only interest any women showed me were a rare few female students. It was always coincidentally at the end of the semester when grades were about to be finalized and these young "ladies" always seemed to be failing the class. (No I never acted on it.)
Most women use a man for his money, power, clout, etc not sex. This is why so many men get irritated when their awesome woman no longer wants sex once the relationship becomes permanent... because she wasn't interested in HIM, just in what he can do for her. Men are the same way, only "what a woman can do for a man" is more often "sex" so that's what women feel most often used for.I have to constantly tell myself that I can't blame the current girl for my past. She wouldn't have dated me 180 pounds ago but things have changed and that reality was a big part of what motivated me to lose the weight. Get to know her, enjoy her company, and don't sabbotage my chances by runnnig her off.
Exactly.
FWIW, I get more upset about people who pretend looks and size aren't important to the opposite sex than I do guys who judge me on my weight and size. I, personally (and I think it's true of more women than not) don't care *as much* about appearance as I do about personality, but if I think you're gonna crush me, or if I think you're gonna end up in the wheelchair 5 years from now and I'll spend the next 25 years pushing you around.... well.... I'm not signing up for that. Especially if it's because you CHOSE to be unhealthy (freak accident causing that is different imho).
There's a lot of things I love about men. OTOH, men are a LOT more work. And I'm not yet sure I'll find one worth the work of making him a permanent part of my life.0 -
I'm betting that 180 pounds ago, you weren't the same person. You are probably much more confident now and less self-conscious about your weight, and that's going to be much more attractive to your dates. Obviously, you weren't happy with an extra 180 pounds, and it shows great determination that you have changed that - a really positive quality! I'm sure this shines through as more confidence when you meet women, and we women like a confident man (and I just realized that I forgot that off my shopping list! Shoot! LOL!).Despite the threads here and there about "why I love men" or "why I love women" there has been a theme in much of the recent posts about what's wrong with the opposite gender. It has mean wondering if there is a direction of causality between a cynical attitude of the opposite sex and not having much luck on the dating front. If so, what is the direction of that causality? Is it that bad experiences have led to distrust, suspicion or down-right hostility? Is it that distrust and suspicion have led to bad experiences? Does it run in both directions and goes a seemingly never-ending loop of hopelessness?
My personal annoyance is with women who complain that men only want them for sex. That the women are good enough to nail but too fat for a serious relationship. It mainly annoy(s)(ed) me because at my heaviest, women didn't even want me for sex. The times I'd ask a woman out on a date, I could actually see the fear and discomfort she was experiencing because I asked. While the choice of words were very polite in declining the offers, the body language screamed, YOU FAT PIG! EWW! The only interest any women showed me were a rare few female students. It was always coincidentally at the end of the semester when grades were about to be finalized and these young "ladies" always seemed to be failing the class. (No I never acted on it.)
I have much better luck getting dates. First dates usually lead to a desire for 2nd dates but I still have a generalized distain that I have to fight off. I have to constantly tell myself that I can't blame the current girl for my past. She wouldn't have dated me 180 pounds ago but things have changed and that reality was a big part of what motivated me to lose the weight. Get to know her, enjoy her company, and don't sabbotage my chances by runnnig her off.
I'm not someone who has a cynical attitude about the opposite sex. I think this could be because I have had limited experience with online dating, but I have spent a lot of time online talking with people about dating. It helps to see the other perspective and the diversity of people who are using online dating sites and encountering utter frustrations. It's people of all different levels of attractiveness, values and character that are struggling with the medium.
I personally try to avoid making sweeping generalizations about men. Yes, there are some that are seeking sex and aren't really interested in more, but that's not the men I know in my life. I look at my co-workers, family and friends who are husbands and I see that these are good men who have many of the characteristics I seek. To make generalizations about men just doesn't fly with me because what the cynical women daters say online (the only place I encounter this) just don't fit the men I know who have settled down and married. Everyone is different and there are some good guys out there still. I'm actually very hopeful.
It's just tough wading through the mud to find the right person, but as my ex was fond of saying, every @ss has a saddle. 0 -
I also think part of the problem is people complain about one problem when the issue is really another.
For example, I will go with the flow in most areas, but if you represent a challenge to my son, my money or my health (mental or physical) I will call you out on bad decisions. Guys will say, you're too analytical. Or, you're too controlling. Um, no. You're just too lazy to do thorough analysis on things you want to do with MY money. And homey don't play that.
Or, another example, guys often complain that women don't like nice guys. I love nice guys!! BUT I don't love guys who never offer (or even have) an opinion and aren't confident enough to make a decision. I'll be friends with a guy like that, but I will not give him authority in my life. And when he realizes I'm not interested romantically, he goes off whining about how women don't like nice guys. I'm not setting him in the friend zone because he's a nice guy. I'm setting him in the friend zone because he can't make up his mind, can't figure out what he wants to do, he's wasting waaaay too much time that I could be spending with people who know themselves and know what they want, and because I'm looking for a MAN not another CHILD. I'm driven in life, and my romantic partners must also be driven.0 -
Maybe it's how I was raised, but I'm able to assign my frustrations to the individual people that make me angry, rather than whole groups. You'll see I am constantly commenting on not making broad brush strokes of generalizations. (All women are hypocrites, all men are pigs, etc)
For the record: I'm not saying stereotypes don't exist for a reason, but the smaller the group you're assigning a generalization to, the more accurate it's going to be.0 -
My best example is my sister. She is gorgious. In fact she is pretty much Mike's type. 5'3 107 pounds slim build with hips. Shes got the olive skin that somehow completely passed me by. She has super long hair and stunning green eyes. However she is single and has always been single. Since she moved in almost 2 years ago she has dated 2 guys both who were friends of mine and both of which were over within 2 months. It biols down to her attitude. She has a superiority complex and generally looks down on people in general. Now she is a smart fun female but she emits negativity like an aura. I love my sister dearly. When she starts complaining about the guys she meets however I want to smother her with a pillow. I am waiting til the day someone (not me) points out to her that the common denominator in all of her problems in relationships is HER. I also have male friends who are this ways. Very attractive but single simply because they seem to emit an aura of negativity about dating and the oppisite sex.
I never quite understood how one can paint a whole gender based on the issue you have encountered with a few men.
Maybe you should introduce her to Mike. Don't you guys live in the same area?
Not a bad idea. Depends on where Jenbit's sister is. The traffic between Broward and Dade Counties there is quite burdensome.
LOL :laugh:
1. I actually like Mike and his view on life while not always lining up with mine make for an interesting read.
2. Since I like Mike I would never wish my sister on him.. Infact my 2 friends that did date my sister I tried to warn off before they did and after they stopped dating her they came to me and told me I was right
3. Mike lives in broward and I live in Miami-dade county. I live at the very tip of florida. It atleast an hour drive to get down here from the area where he lives on a good day with light traffic. And traffic is never light in Miami.
4. Honestly I think my sister need therapy or atleast a wake up call before she would be a good GF/ dating material.0 -
I am not cynical of men in general. I can, however, be cynical about specific individuals. Personally, I find myself defending women more and more on this board (which may come across as cynical to those who don't know me well) because some men here seem to lump all women together rather than looking at us as individuals, which I find extremely frustrating!0
-
I am not cynical of men in general. I can, however, be cynical about specific individuals. Personally, I find myself defending women more and more on this board (which may come across as cynical to those who don't know me well) because some men here seem to lump all women together rather than looking at us as individuals, which I find extremely frustrating!
Holy cow, me too! Usually girlfriends hate me because I spend a lot of time defending their men and their point of view but I have never felt so attacked as I have in this group simply because I have breasts (that I guess aren't big enough?) and a vagina. I don't think it's cute and interesting to read a different perspective if it's about how women shouldn't be happy inside because their happiness should be based on how tan their skin is and what level of man they can convince to come home with them.0 -
I don't feel that I'm cynical about men. If pressed, I don't think I could really come up with many (if any) bad things to say about the guys I've dated. We were just incompatible overall. I've never really been "hurt" I guess.
I'm more just rabidly anti-stupid people. In general. So cynical about most of the human race, then. :laugh:0 -
I am not cynical of men in general. I can, however, be cynical about specific individuals. Personally, I find myself defending women more and more on this board (which may come across as cynical to those who don't know me well) because some men here seem to lump all women together rather than looking at us as individuals, which I find extremely frustrating!
Holy cow, me too! Usually girlfriends hate me because I spend a lot of time defending their men and their point of view but I have never felt so attacked as I have in this group simply because I have breasts (that I guess aren't big enough?) and a vagina. I don't think it's cute and interesting to read a different perspective if it's about how women shouldn't be happy inside because their happiness should be based on how tan their skin is and what level of man they can convince to come home with them.
Amen sister! :flowerforyou:0 -
unfortunately, for most people, once they have been burned by the fire once they think they are going to be burned again; its kind of a part of human nature, as to protect ourselves. the thing is, this is a trait that needs to be fought against because ultimately, going into anything in life with even the slightest hint of the past experience still lingering, whether it be a relationship or something else, is just begging for disaster.0
-
I am not cynical of men in general. I can, however, be cynical about specific individuals. Personally, I find myself defending women more and more on this board (which may come across as cynical to those who don't know me well) because some men here seem to lump all women together rather than looking at us as individuals, which I find extremely frustrating!
Holy cow, me too! Usually girlfriends hate me because I spend a lot of time defending their men and their point of view but I have never felt so attacked as I have in this group simply because I have breasts (that I guess aren't big enough?) and a vagina. I don't think it's cute and interesting to read a different perspective if it's about how women shouldn't be happy inside because their happiness should be based on how tan their skin is and what level of man they can convince to come home with them.
Those aren't opinions I value, so it doesn't bother me. Clearly, there are enough people in the world who define a partner's worth by her physical qualities or his status, etc. since we see reality shows popping up that represent this view (like that Millionaire Matchmaker or whatever it was). I change the channel.
Same thing here - I move to a different thread or post in the thread. People will do what they do and as long as it doesn't directly affect me, may they find the person they are seeking. It is my wish that everyone can find a partner that meets their criteria. For some of us, that will mean finding a partner who makes us happy.
Some men are always going to lump all women together and some women are going to bash men as if they are all the same. I think it's not worth getting frustrated about because I doubt that person's opinion is going to change and he or she is entitled to it. I prefer to move on to something more enjoyable.
Although, all this talk about finding someone who is tanned does make me think of this woman and wonder if this is tanned enough. :bigsmile:
0 -
Yeh .. I think the older I get the more I lump all men together.
I really don't think that being with someone, now that I have been married and now single again, is that big of a deal. I have my son and my house and my kitty. I'm good. lol. I guess I just get tired of dealing with other people's crap. I know I sound awful, but if I am being honest this is really how i feel. I am almost 40 years old dealing with crap from men is not on the top of my list.
I am very jaded when it comes to men yes, but the idea of taking care of someone else does not appeal to me anymore. I don't like picking up after someone, I don't like having to alter my schedule for someone or plan my life around someone else, I don't like having to hear I don't know .. what do you want for dinner .. I am just over it all. I do all of that with my son and I don't need that in a boyfriend or partner or whoever.0 -
To be completely honest there is exasperation on all sides at times.
Need I point out the irony of all this in that the Dr Laura thread was based on a quote and then continued as a basically in general man bashing thread saying all are lazy and disrespectful and now the one Janie has started given what I perceive by tone is likely to devolve into another one.
I don`t for a moment think that was/is her intent but a good example of what this thread was about.0 -
Re. the Dr Laura thread... Carl, I don't think anyone said 'all' men are like that, but rather that many seem to have unrealistic expectations/exhibit unreasonable behaviour in this regard. Given the number of women here chiming in to agree, you must surely admit that this seems to be a fairly common experience among the women here, which suggests there's a grain of truth to it...
Sharing our frustrations and experiences with the opposite gender does not necessarily equate to man- or woman-bashing.0 -
Re. the Dr Laura thread... Carl, I don't think anyone said 'all' men are like that, but rather that many seem to have unrealistic expectations/exhibit unreasonable behaviour in this regard. Given the number of women here chiming in to agree, you must surely admit that this seems to be a fairly common experience among the women here, which suggests there's a grain of truth to it...
Sharing our frustrations and experiences with the opposite gender does not necessarily equate to man- or woman-bashing.
In all due respect that is pretty much what you said though if you go back and re read it.
You used the therm "the average guy" and categorically said "men" not some or a few etc.:flowerforyou:
Honestly though as I said more then once how much of those feelings are simply an easy outlet to express far deeper problems going on.0 -
My personal annoyance is with women who complain that men only want them for sex. That the women are good enough to nail but too fat for a serious relationship. It mainly annoy(s)(ed) me because at my heaviest, women didn't even want me for sex.
Some men use women for sex - fact! A lot of men don't - fact! It's just a sweeping statement made when a guy tries it on too soon for her, or disappears for no other reason. I dont think you should get annoyed about it (although that is your perogative). It's not a direct insult to you as a man. Clearly, men that end up in loving relationships have proved otherwise.
Plus - Women use men for sex too!!The times I'd ask a woman out on a date, I could actually see the fear and discomfort she was experiencing because I asked. While the choice of words were very polite in declining the offers, the body language screamed, YOU FAT PIG! EWW!
Ok, I agree that people shouldnt judge on weight. But attraction is what it is. Everyone has their own ideals and if you go ewww to a flat chested short woman, or YaY to a big arsed blonde, it's just your preference. I'm sure you dont fancy every woman you meet?
Besides, this "you fat pig" comment is/was your own insecurity/low esteem. We all do it. We dont like something about ourselves and immediately that would be the reason why someone rejected us.
Anyway, in answer to your main question, I love men and I attract men. Much more through my personality than through my looks or physique. I do agree that if you have a hang up with the whole opposite gender (or with yourself), you will seriously have a problem attracting same.0 -
Despite the threads here and there about "why I love men" or "why I love women" there has been a theme in much of the recent posts about what's wrong with the opposite gender. It has mean wondering if there is a direction of causality between a cynical attitude of the opposite sex and not having much luck on the dating front. If so, what is the direction of that causality? Is it that bad experiences have led to distrust, suspicion or down-right hostility? Is it that distrust and suspicion have led to bad experiences? Does it run in both directions and goes a seemingly never-ending loop of hopelessness?
I don't have any bad experiences to make me distrust men, suspect them or be hostile toward them, but yet I feel hopeless all the same at times. I probably feel that way because I DON'T have any experiences to compare it to...it is hard to explain, and that probably made no sense.
But I am much different in real life!
P.S. DBrightwell...you are looking great!0 -
I am not cynical of men in general. I can, however, be cynical about specific individuals. Personally, I find myself defending women more and more on this board (which may come across as cynical to those who don't know me well) because some men here seem to lump all women together rather than looking at us as individuals, which I find extremely frustrating!
Holy cow, me too! Usually girlfriends hate me because I spend a lot of time defending their men and their point of view but I have never felt so attacked as I have in this group simply because I have breasts (that I guess aren't big enough?) and a vagina. I don't think it's cute and interesting to read a different perspective if it's about how women shouldn't be happy inside because their happiness should be based on how tan their skin is and what level of man they can convince to come home with them.
Those aren't opinions I value, so it doesn't bother me. Clearly, there are enough people in the world who define a partner's worth by her physical qualities or his status, etc. since we see reality shows popping up that represent this view (like that Millionaire Matchmaker or whatever it was). I change the channel.
Same thing here - I move to a different thread or post in the thread. People will do what they do and as long as it doesn't directly affect me, may they find the person they are seeking. It is my wish that everyone can find a partner that meets their criteria. For some of us, that will mean finding a partner who makes us happy.
Some men are always going to lump all women together and some women are going to bash men as if they are all the same. I think it's not worth getting frustrated about because I doubt that person's opinion is going to change and he or she is entitled to it. I prefer to move on to something more enjoyable.
Although, all this talk about finding someone who is tanned does make me think of this woman and wonder if this is tanned enough. :bigsmile:
:laugh: Minnie, that 'tan' made me laugh! :laugh:0 -
I do completely understand why up until 3 years ago I had very little male attention. I was morbidly obese my whole life up until 3 years ago. I don't judge men for not wanting to seek me out as a partner. I did not understand how someone might want to enjoy a sexual relationship with me at that size...when my body was the gross part and my personality was the good part...lol so I will admit that men who wanted to sleep with me as a FWB confused the crap out of me. I didn't do it. but still confused.
Now..is where I'm more confused though. I seriously don't think I'm a bad catch. But for me to get a second date with a man who is anywhere to what I'd consider a match...is near impossible. I think I'm having a great conversation...and the next thing I know..he's telling me how its too soon he's not ready to date. WTF. Then the guys who do want to continue on...well really have NOTHING in common with me.
I realize I am the common denominator. I just wish I knew what I was doing wrong. I wish I could get honest feed back from the men who disappear or just suddenly feel they aren't ready..lol And really its not like I'm proposing marriage on a first date. I just wish I knew how to deal with my own short comings. I remember as a student I would fumble along doing everything wrong...until I had feedback and someone told me x,y, and z are incorrect. I then was able to correct those behaviors and do the job well and even excel. But I couldn't change until someone pointed them out to me. But people in the dating world are afraid to give feedback..afraid of hurting someone else...well it hurts me more to stay single forever and not find love. (ps telling me to lose another 70lbs and get fake boobs is not feedback).0 -
I do completely understand why up until 3 years ago I had very little male attention. I was morbidly obese my whole life up until 3 years ago. I don't judge men for not wanting to seek me out as a partner. I did not understand how someone might want to enjoy a sexual relationship with me at that size...when my body was the gross part and my personality was the good part...lol so I will admit that men who wanted to sleep with me as a FWB confused the crap out of me. I didn't do it. but still confused.
Now..is where I'm more confused though. I seriously don't think I'm a bad catch. But for me to get a second date with a man who is anywhere to what I'd consider a match...is near impossible. I think I'm having a great conversation...and the next thing I know..he's telling me how its too soon he's not ready to date. WTF. Then the guys who do want to continue on...well really have NOTHING in common with me.
I realize I am the common denominator. I just wish I knew what I was doing wrong. I wish I could get honest feed back from the men who disappear or just suddenly feel they aren't ready..lol And really its not like I'm proposing marriage on a first date. I just wish I knew how to deal with my own short comings. I remember as a student I would fumble along doing everything wrong...until I had feedback and someone told me x,y, and z are incorrect. I then was able to correct those behaviors and do the job well and even excel. But I couldn't change until someone pointed them out to me. But people in the dating world are afraid to give feedback..afraid of hurting someone else...well it hurts me more to stay single forever and not find love. (ps telling me to lose another 70lbs and get fake boobs is not feedback).
OK, here is some honest feedback. The reason men poof (may I use that term?) on you is because they cannot picture being in a committed relationship with you. Plain and simple. I have a feeling you are probably meeting good, decent men who want to settle down and have a relationship, it's just that they don't want to have it with you. When men are looking for a relationship instead of a hook-up, their standards shoot through the roof and are often more critical of their prospective parter (usually unrealistically).
And I'm just using you as an example. Believe me, I've had women poof on me after, what I thought to be, a nice first date. It's happened to everyone.0 -
No one on here can tell you exactly what you are doing wrong on your dates because we aren't spectators on them. I wish we could say you are doing x, y, and z wrong, but we can't. Unless we sneak a hidden camera on your next date, we have no clue
Actually, chances are, you might be doing everything right, but just haven't met Mr. Right yet.0 -
No one on here can tell you exactly what you are doing wrong on your dates because we aren't spectators on them. I wish we could say you are doing x, y, and z wrong, but we can't. Unless we sneak a hidden camera on your next date, we have no clue
Actually, chances are, you might be doing everything right, but just haven't met Mr. Right yet.
This is the truth and the curse of correcting the last error when with a new person.
Discern that the guy/gal was put off by being too clingy...well hell won`t make that mistake again.
Then discover the next object of affection was put off by aloof,planned out behavior.
Day late and dollar short it seems.0 -
But people in the dating world are afraid to give feedback..afraid of hurting someone else...well it hurts me more to stay single forever and not find love. (ps telling me to lose another 70lbs and get fake boobs is not feedback).
So true. Someone who you like but doesn't want to see you beyond the first date is never going to give you the constructive feedback you need to get the results you want. The you here is a collective you.0 -
OK, here is some honest feedback. The reason men poof (may I use that term?) on you is because they cannot picture being in a committed relationship with you. Plain and simple. I have a feeling you are probably meeting good, decent men who want to settle down and have a relationship, it's just that they don't want to have it with you. When men are looking for a relationship instead of a hook-up, their standards shoot through the roof and are often more critical of their prospective parter (usually unrealistically).
Very true. I know tons of amazing people that are single, which leads me to believe that oftentimes it is just the people you are meeting don't see you like that, but it has nothing to do with you. It sucks but at least you know it's not you.0 -
I do completely understand why up until 3 years ago I had very little male attention. I was morbidly obese my whole life up until 3 years ago. I don't judge men for not wanting to seek me out as a partner. I did not understand how someone might want to enjoy a sexual relationship with me at that size...when my body was the gross part and my personality was the good part...lol so I will admit that men who wanted to sleep with me as a FWB confused the crap out of me. I didn't do it. but still confused.
Now..is where I'm more confused though. I seriously don't think I'm a bad catch. But for me to get a second date with a man who is anywhere to what I'd consider a match...is near impossible. I think I'm having a great conversation...and the next thing I know..he's telling me how its too soon he's not ready to date. WTF. Then the guys who do want to continue on...well really have NOTHING in common with me.
I realize I am the common denominator. I just wish I knew what I was doing wrong. I wish I could get honest feed back from the men who disappear or just suddenly feel they aren't ready..lol And really its not like I'm proposing marriage on a first date. I just wish I knew how to deal with my own short comings. I remember as a student I would fumble along doing everything wrong...until I had feedback and someone told me x,y, and z are incorrect. I then was able to correct those behaviors and do the job well and even excel. But I couldn't change until someone pointed them out to me. But people in the dating world are afraid to give feedback..afraid of hurting someone else...well it hurts me more to stay single forever and not find love. (ps telling me to lose another 70lbs and get fake boobs is not feedback).
You do have feedback, you just have to watch for it. 90% of communication is nonverbal. Watch for a face twitch, a weight shift, that slight arch of an eyebrow. These are all little cues but learning to watch for them has really given me a lot of insight into what people are thinking - ask any poker player, they'll tell ya.
Like Mike, Carl and everyone said, we are there so we don't know. It's also unfair to put someone in the uncomfortable position of saying "well I don't like you because..." absolutely no one wants to do that, would you? So work with what you've got and eventually you'll find someone that clicks with you. If you catch yourself talking about childrens names on the first date then that might be it, but usually it's just a matter of two people not being compatible.0
This discussion has been closed.