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Gender bias and singledom
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OK, here is some honest feedback. The reason men poof (may I use that term?) on you is because they cannot picture being in a committed relationship with you. Plain and simple. I have a feeling you are probably meeting good, decent men who want to settle down and have a relationship, it's just that they don't want to have it with you. When men are looking for a relationship instead of a hook-up, their standards shoot through the roof and are often more critical of their prospective parter (usually unrealistically).
Very true. I know tons of amazing people that are single, which leads me to believe that oftentimes it is just the people you are meeting don't see you like that, but it has nothing to do with you. It sucks but at least you know it's not you.
Wise words, indeed.
And to make matters worse, it's not just who you are meeting, but when you meet them... Timing, timing, timing!
I'm good friends with an American woman here. She, too, has lived for many years in Prague. She's close to my age, probably a few years younger. She's attractive, intelligent, and we have a great time when we're together. We talk about everything, debate everything, oftentimes disagree, but in a fun, friendly, way. We first met 3-4 years before I was married, so I've known her now for a very long time.
Why didn't we ever date? I first met her in Paris, on a road trip with a great friend. It was just the three of us. And she was dating my friend. :-( It was a fantastic trip, the first time I had been in Paris. Such a romantic city! Strolling around Paris at night is an unforgettable experience. How can you *not* fall in love with that town, especially when you're young, naive, curious, with a sense of style? Paris is such a stylish city! Even today I have pics in my apartment of that magical weekend...
I wasn't seeing anyone at the time, but because I first met her as the girlfriend of my good friend, I never really saw her as a possible girlfriend. That first encounter is so important! Yes, the weekend was romantic, but I was very careful to focus my feelings on Paris, itself, and not my good friend's girlfriend.
She dated my friend for another year or so. During that time, I was eventually dating someone, too, so we double dated, etc., etc. Later they broke up (I tried to help him save the relationship), I eventually got married, some time later she got married (and remains so today, happily I believe). Through it all we stayed close, and I'm now much closer to her than to my friend she once dated. We have a lunch every other month or so, typically talking for 2-3 hours... If the timing had been different, who knows? But that is the tragedy of life. Or perhaps the blessing? Had we dated, perhaps it would have ended quickly, and she wouldn't be a good friend today?
You have only one life and there are no "do overs". But that's what makes life - or should make it - so intense.
--P0 -
I don't know if I'm gender biased, but I'm pretty sure I'm biased.
I think there are some great men out there. I love men.
But...
I do lean toward the idea that there is not a man for me. Yes, I'm pretty sure that come from past experiences.
About your annoyance with women who say men only want them for sex: We can only go by what our experiences have been. Ever since I was 11 years old, men/boys have solicited me for sex. Growing up, I lived in a neighborhood full of boys. Most of us walked home from school. At the same time. Not together. But at the same time. Generally, the boys were behind me. Generally what I heard was, "When you gonna give me some?"" "How 'bout giving me a piece of that p*&^y?" "Shake that booty, girl" They grabbed my butt... talked about how large my breasts were, and tried to touch them...
Did this type of behavior stop when I got to highschool? NO... College? NO... Grown and married? NO... Now? NO...
From the time I had boobs, I have been "Hey, babyed" and whistled and wolf-whistled and "Hey sexy" and "youre hot" ... and "when are you going to give that up for me"
I only had one boyfriend in high school... because at first he didn't treat me like a piece of meat. Do you think the other guys EVER talked decent to me, asked me how my day was, or anything not pertaining to sex? Maybe 2 of them did.
I've read other women's statements on here about how they never get messages like this on POF or no one has ever overtly flirted with them in this manner, and I think, really... What the heck am I doing wrong that elicits such behavior from men?
Even here on MFP, my male friends flirt with me. Some of them take it farther than I wish they would... Why?
Do I have a stamp across my forehead that says, "Talk dirty to her, she'll say yes..." or "she's easy..."?
Do the men I meet want more than a booty call or a f^%$* buddy? Maybe some do... but the majority of them would be happy if I called them up and said, :hey, let's get naked"...
If you know how to change this factor for me, please let me know. Do I need to dress in turtlenecks so my cleavage or boobs never show? I feel like I'm a pretty modest dresser especially compared to some.
So, please don't get frustrated at us women who say that the men we know only contact us for one thing.
You know what... good guys like me too... but they are always with someone else...
So... what gives...
don't tell me that a man who is not attracted to me would not have sex with me... I know that's not true... give him a few beers, and I'll be the most beautiful woman on the planet0 -
No one on here can tell you exactly what you are doing wrong on your dates because we aren't spectators on them. I wish we could say you are doing x, y, and z wrong, but we can't. Unless we sneak a hidden camera on your next date, we have no clue
Actually, chances are, you might be doing everything right, but just haven't met Mr. Right yet.
Thanks for the feedback on here everyone...
I just find the concept that I'm actually doing this right hard to believe I don't think I have to meet Mr Right to get a second date.
But I also realize that no one here can tell me what it is since you can't see me with these people..it was just a thought put out into the single peeps cyber space. It would be nice to know if its just that "I'm not their cup of tea" in general...or "I did something that turned them off". I accept the first and want to know how to not screw up the later. (maybe if I figure that out..I could change my 33% in the other thread to 99%)
Anyway thanks for all the feed back ladies and gents! I'll see if I can sneak the hidden camera in next time I'm out haha.0 -
How picky are you at preselecting your dates, Kerry? I ask because when I read your question last night I didn't answer because I've only had the opposite experience. Every guy I've gone on a date with wants date 2+ yet I have no interest in them!! That's not props for me... it's a sign I'm choosing the wrong dates. I think I'm dating men who are willing because I'm excited to get to date again since I hid for so long...but not realizing or admitting to myself that I'm not interested until they are there face to face. How would you say you choose who to meet online?
Just my thoughts as I realize what I'm doing wrong online! I may not be able to see you dating in action, but the easiest way for any of us to help is to share our own mistakes. Keep thinking about it. As Mike said, it may simply be that you haven't met Mr. Right, but as you said, the past is an indicator of the future. If you're noticing a trend, keep mixing things up to get a different result!0 -
To Qualify.
#1 type of guy I've dated..good conversation, I'm attracted or find something attractive about them, physically active and want that in a partner, has a decent job and lives on his own. Aka an equal...this man doesn't want to date me again after meeting me once.
#2 type of guy I've dated...nothing in common, lives like a teenager, has a menial dead end job and no ambition, and a couch potato, and basically curses ever other word out of his mouth, still lives with roommates, his ex or in a basement dwelling...HE wants me to marry him! Move in and have his babies haha. (jk but you get the idea)
This last month I'd say the ratio of guy #1 to guy #2 has been higher..so I've been pre-selecting better in terms of not just going out with any guy who asks me out. But I'm still not able to get guy type #1 to want anything other than coffee/dinner/a walk that one time despite what I think is a pretty good conversation and flirtation.0 -
NC and I have talked a lot about dating over the past couple of weeks and realized that compromise is a huge part in dating.
There are certain major attributes when looking for a partner, these include age, income, looks, body, baggage, does he live in his parents basement, etc etc. Unless we are perfect, we can't have it all.
For me, I've always been willing to compromise on a girl who is older, might not have a career, and might come with a little baggage. I won't compromise on looks, body, a tan, or their overall attitude. Not a chance. These are my non-negotiable. I'm perfectly willing to date someone 10 years older than me, has 1 child, and might struggle financially every now and then. I'm willing to make major compromises to meet my non-negotiables. Primarily because I don't care to have my own children and I'm fortunate that I happen to do well financially.
Think about what you really want in life. If you want kids, then dating someone your age or maybe even a year or two younger might be a non-negotiable. And yes, people might call you an age-ist, but who cares.
How do you do financially? Do you want someone who can contribute financially to a relationship? Then a finding someone with a steady job is a non-negotiable.
Find what you are willing to compromise on and what you aren't, then go from there.
I plan on going out tonight. I can bet you dollars-to-doughnuts that I'll see the following scene repeated many times. Young, 21-22 year old blonde who's with some silverfox who's pushing 50 and happens to do very well financially. This guy meets the girls non-negotiables (money, stability, social status, etc), but he's still more than double her age.
Even Perfect 10 blonde bimbos can't have it all.0 -
NC and I have talked a lot about dating over the past couple of weeks and realized that compromise is a huge part in dating.
There are certain major attributes when looking for a partner, these include age, income, looks, body, baggage, does he live in his parents basement, etc etc. Unless we are perfect, we can't have it all.
For me, I've always been willing to compromise on a girl who is older, might not have a career, and might come with a little baggage. I won't compromise on looks, body, a tan, or their overall attitude. Not a chance. These are my non-negotiable. I'm perfectly willing to date someone 10 years older than me, has 1 child, and might struggle financially every now and then. I'm willing to make major compromises to meet my non-negotiables. Primarily because I don't care to have my own children and I'm fortunate that I happen to do well financially.
Think about what you really want in life. If you want kids, then dating someone your age or maybe even a year or two younger might be a non-negotiable. And yes, people might call you an age-ist, but who cares.
How do you do financially? Do you want someone who can contribute financially to a relationship? Then a finding someone with a steady job is a non-negotiable.
Find what you are willing to compromise on and what you aren't, then go from there.
I plan on going out tonight. I can bet you dollars-to-doughnuts that I'll see the following scene repeated many times. Young, 21-22 year old blonde who's with some silverfox who's pushing 50 and happens to do very well financially. This guy meets the girls non-negotiables (money, stability, social status, etc), but he's still more than double her age.
Even Perfect 10 blonde bimbos can't have it all.
Have you heard of sugardaddy.com? Or something like that. It's a dating website where women go to find a sugar daddy. You can find someone that has all your non negotiables. I know a couple girls that are on it and there are some hot ladies on there that want a dude to take care of them while they make themselves hot all the time.
FOR THE RECORD: I don't think it's bad that you have your preferences, I legitimately think this could be an option for you if that is what you want. Just wanted to throw in the disclaimer in case it sounded like an insult, which I'm really not trying to do.0 -
Have you heard of sugardaddy.com? Or something like that. It's a dating website where women go to find a sugar daddy. You can find someone that has all your non negotiables. I know a couple girls that are on it and there are some hot ladies on there that want a dude to take care of them while they make themselves hot all the time.
FOR THE RECORD: I don't think it's bad that you have your preferences, I legitimately think this could be an option for you if that is what you want. Just wanted to throw in the disclaimer in case it sounded like an insult, which I'm really not trying to do.
My ex-girlfriends roommate did sugardaddy.com and had a lot of luck. The one is still in a relationship with an older gentleman, she's 24 and he's in his mid 40's. She's a knockout and he's loaded. Perfect.
Don't think it'd work for me as I really don't want to date a hot, young sexpot. I'm willing to sacrifice on age to get what I really truly want. And plus, I have a solid income, but my net worth isn't high enough to be considered a sugardaddy :laugh:0 -
I do totally realize I can't have it all.
I won't compromise on several things though:
lifestyle in terms of health (doesn't have to look like a model, but must be active and able to do physical activities with me)
Must have brains..can be street smarts..doesn't have to be university educated but must have something to talk about in life other than video games, and sports and sex.
Must want children...if he is a father already I can handle that so long as the ex isn't insane..I just want to have at least one child with him (after 40 I'll let this go).
Must be able to take care of himself financially. Me no..but himself yes..and be on somewhat equal footing so that if we want a vacation we can do that ect.
Must like dogs.
Age meh..I mean I'm not open to the 50 plus group but a well preserved 45 sure.
25 is alittle young considering the usual maturity level.0 -
I do totally realize I can't have it all.
I won't compromise on several things though:
lifestyle in terms of health (doesn't have to look like a model, but must be active and able to do physical activities with me)
Must have brains..can be street smarts..doesn't have to be university educated but must have something to talk about in life other than video games, and sports and sex.
Must want children...if he is a father already I can handle that so long as the ex isn't insane..I just want to have at least one child with him (after 40 I'll let this go).
Must be able to take care of himself financially. Me no..but himself yes..and be on somewhat equal footing so that if we want a vacation we can do that ect.
Must like dogs.
Age meh..I mean I'm not open to the 50 plus group but a well preserved 45 sure.
25 is alittle young considering the usual maturity level.
Being able to identify your negotiables from your non-negotiables is a huge step in the right direction. I'm very negotiable on just about everything, however I'm stern as all hell when it comes to my very few non-negotiables.
So he must like dogs or it's definite dealbraker? Would you discount your ideal man if he didn't like dogs? Just wondering.0 -
I can not imagine my life with out a dog..I don't have one now because I don't have the space and I really don't like it. Heck if I can't have kids I really really need a dog even more. Lol Something about furry unconditional love that a dog brings to my life that I can't imagine my life with out long term...if he's allergic there are hypo-allergic breeds my parents have one. I do realize it seems silly but I do want a dog lover in my life.0
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I can not imagine my life with out a dog..I don't have one now because I don't have the space and I really don't like it. Heck if I can't have kids I really really need a dog even more. Lol Something about furry unconditional love that a dog brings to my life that I can't imagine my life with out long term...if he's allergic there are hypo-allergic breeds my parents have one. I do realize it seems silly but I do want a dog lover in my life.
Not silly at all. You've established a non-negotiable.
Going through each attribute a person can possess and determining which ones are an absolute neccessary to have in a partner is important. Think hard about the age thing, the job thing, child thing. For example, picture the most perfect match that you can imagine, and then have them tell you that they don't want any kids. If you find yourself immediately repulsed, then you know having kids is a non-negotiable.
This takes a lot of time, soul searching, and inner reflection. But it's so damn important.0 -
I do totally realize I can't have it all.
I won't compromise on several things though:
lifestyle in terms of health (doesn't have to look like a model, but must be active and able to do physical activities with me)
Must have brains..can be street smarts..doesn't have to be university educated but must have something to talk about in life other than video games, and sports and sex.
Must want children...if he is a father already I can handle that so long as the ex isn't insane..I just want to have at least one child with him (after 40 I'll let this go).
Must be able to take care of himself financially. Me no..but himself yes..and be on somewhat equal footing so that if we want a vacation we can do that ect.
Must like dogs.
Age meh..I mean I'm not open to the 50 plus group but a well preserved 45 sure.
25 is alittle young considering the usual maturity level.
Why weren`t you born in New York. :grumble:0 -
Lol..heading to NYC Thursday and Albany for Friday and Sat next week catch me while you can haha0
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Lol..heading to NYC Thursday and Albany for Friday and Sat next week catch me while you can haha
I am going to get to take kerry out to dinner :bigsmile: :drinker:0 -
Lol..heading to NYC Thursday and Albany for Friday and Sat next week catch me while you can haha
I am going to get to take kerry out to dinner :bigsmile: :drinker:
Hehe!0 -
unfortunately, for most people, once they have been burned by the fire once they think they are going to be burned again; its kind of a part of human nature, as to protect ourselves. the thing is, this is a trait that needs to be fought against because ultimately, going into anything in life with even the slightest hint of the past experience still lingering, whether it be a relationship or something else, is just begging for disaster.
I've been burned and hurt in a number of ways. I try not to tag it to generalities but I do flag any signs/tells I can. A part is because I'm fearful of it repeating, and a bigger concern for me is I'm not sure I can bounce back if some of those things happen again. Once is enough thank you, now I'd like one (or a few) really good positive(s) to balance the scale out. I am a bit bitter towards what happened in past cases but they have happened and there's only going forward. I am who I am today because of the past that I have had. I also can't hide forever.
I do think there are biases, sometimes stated in jest just to make ourselves feel better at a time, but I truly believe few believe those biases to be all across the board true. We stereotype all the time, it's just how much weight we put into those stereotypes and how much we are willing to see past them that matters in the end.0
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