Intimidation
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SouthernSweetie74
Posts: 844
Okay, let me start with an apology. My intent in posting this thread is not to offend anyone. Stir up a good debate? Maybe. Ask an honest question in search of the truth (out of curiosity in the psychological reasoning)? Yes,
I have heard it said many times and read it a few times on this board: "Men are just intimidated by me."
I was talking to a friend tonight. She was stood up tonight by a guy she met online. She has been stood up several times in the past year.
She made a comment, "Men are just intimidated by me."
Hmmm
I was thinking, "really?"
I'm really curious. Not that I think I intimidate anyone. I know this not to be the case. LOL But I wonder about the women who say it... is it true that men are intimidated by them? Or perhaps do they need to work on their own issues before men can be attracted to them enough to do something about it?
Just curious.
I'm really seeking out the male perspective here. I know why some women say that men are intimidated by them. I just want to know if the men agree that, yes, some women are intimidating.
And if so... then what makes a woman intimidating, and what can she do to help the situation?
I have heard it said many times and read it a few times on this board: "Men are just intimidated by me."
I was talking to a friend tonight. She was stood up tonight by a guy she met online. She has been stood up several times in the past year.
She made a comment, "Men are just intimidated by me."
Hmmm
I was thinking, "really?"
I'm really curious. Not that I think I intimidate anyone. I know this not to be the case. LOL But I wonder about the women who say it... is it true that men are intimidated by them? Or perhaps do they need to work on their own issues before men can be attracted to them enough to do something about it?
Just curious.
I'm really seeking out the male perspective here. I know why some women say that men are intimidated by them. I just want to know if the men agree that, yes, some women are intimidating.
And if so... then what makes a woman intimidating, and what can she do to help the situation?
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Replies
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I think when someone is intimidating to a person, it's some mental entity that's created by the said person. Gauged perhaps by their own insecurities and self worth and esteem. It could be the guy thinks the lady is to "hot and attractive" that he may personally believe that she wouldn't want to talk to him.
But as far as getting stood up at a date... I hardly think that's the reason.0 -
Being stood up is just rudeness.
If it happens on a regular basis then she probably should take a moment to look inward at what her communication style is after the date is set up.
If she immediately becomes a different person bordering on obnoxious then maybe that is the reason,it is still rude but not due to intimidation.
As a general question the answer is sure,just as there are men that are intimidating to women.
As a catch all answer to dating difficulties,probably not all that accurate.0 -
Agree with Nat, if I feel intimidated by someone it's my own insecurity about something.
Sounds like your mate is dating guys that are low on their own self esteem and just not right for her. They probably dont feel good enough for her, hence backing out at the last minute. She needs to fish in a different pool!! :flowerforyou:0 -
Okay, let me start with an apology. My intent in posting this thread is not to offend anyone. Stir up a good debate? Maybe. Ask an honest question in search of the truth (out of curiosity in the psychological reasoning)? Yes,
I have heard it said many times and read it a few times on this board: "Men are just intimidated by me."
I was talking to a friend tonight. She was stood up tonight by a guy she met online. She has been stood up several times in the past year.
She made a comment, "Men are just intimidated by me."
Hmmm
I was thinking, "really?"
I'm really curious. Not that I think I intimidate anyone. I know this not to be the case. LOL But I wonder about the women who say it... is it true that men are intimidated by them? Or perhaps do they need to work on their own issues before men can be attracted to them enough to do something about it?
Just curious.
I'm really seeking out the male perspective here. I know why some women say that men are intimidated by them. I just want to know if the men agree that, yes, some women are intimidating.
And if so... then what makes a woman intimidating, and what can she do to help the situation?
In this situation is sounds like the guy is just rude. He probably had another date he opted for that night. Instead of cancelling on your friend, he just didn't show. Very rude.
Intimidation only happens to man when he's thinking about initially approaching a woman. After he does that, all intimidation goes out the window.0 -
I hear this "intimidation" excuse a lot. Is it true? I don't know. People like to throw that word around a lot with me when they are trying to figure out why men don't ask me out. But, I don't think I'm intimidating at all. I don't get asked out because I don't put myself in situations to get asked out.
I think the "intimidation" excuse is a lame one. Sometimes women just need to fess up and admit their own flaws instead of blaming men for everything...0 -
I really have no idea about the intimidation thing, but when women say that I often roll my eyes involuntarily :laugh:
However, I've said this before and it might be worth repeating... I think the online dating scene makes it much easier for people who are married or in relationships to 'see what's out there' and have some flirty fun on the side. Who knows if they plan to go through with meeting others or not (may vary by individual) but I sometimes wonder if that's at least part (not all) of the reason I hear about more people getting stood up recently. Again, just a theory, not hard fact, but I'd be curious to see what others think of this.0 -
Too be completely fair about it there are situations where a lady may seem intimidating because their life happens to fall outside the stereotype norm.
For example here would be NC as she has alluded to being an executive and Janie,in the service (Buffy there too) and a ranking officer.
It is not them personally intimidating but their status to the "average" guy.
When I met Janie it was not but because I knew her from here so her "real" life was not even a thought.
However for someone just getting to know a lady in person I can see where it would be.0 -
I've heard other women say this, and I've heard it said about me a lot (my mom likes this one, lol.) I think it's usually just a cop out.
I don't think there's anything intimidating about me, and usually when I hear other women say this, they mean "I'm a totally overbearing and rude prima donna, but I want to blame the guy for the demise of our relationship." That's just my personal experiences, though. Not saying it couldn't be true in some situations.
I think a lot of men might be intimidated by a woman who is very financially successful or in a position of authority. Who knows.0 -
I'll agree with a lot of what I've read here. The initial approach in person may be intimidating for a man if a woman is really hot, or if she's just not giving him clear vibes but he's going in anyway. That is different in person though when it's someone you don't know.
I often get told by friends, male and female, that I am intimidating. I was shocked when a friend told me how hard it was sometimes to be friends with someone who seems to have it all together ALL THE TIME because it seemed like she always needed my help but couldn't offer any in return. I don't make many mistakes truthfully because I analyze every decision and go with my gut... so when I told my friends back in July that I slept with someone on the first date, they couldn't believe I would do that. It's not like me but was ironically a conscious decision.
I do think in my past my job success made me come across as intimindating. But not for the reasons that a lot of women latch on to....it was about ME and the way I intentionally put up walls, acted tough like one of the guys, and didn't embrace being a girl. It's amazing now, even as my career has moved upward, that the guys in the office today don't think that at all. I dress more feminely because I've started to enjoy feeling like a girl! I don't feel the need to win every discussion/ argument, so they see a softer side that I didn't show before. I've learned to more openly share my personal life, as you can tell on here, and even share my struggles so I'm not giving off the image of perfection and covering up my dirty laundry.
I was intiminating then because I chose to be. I know there are times it's about the other person's confidence, but more often than not, the woman who says that is choosing to give that vibe off. It makes me laugh coming to that conclusion now because the old me would have blamed every guy, haha...0 -
I think its a excuse.
I'm not intimidating. I have flaws and faults just like the next person. I just think that if a man doesn't ask me out..he's not into me.
I don't think it can be seen any other way.
I think with a model or an actress/actor or someone who is in the top 5% of physically beautiful in this world sure..they are probably intimidating to most. A regular person? nope.0 -
I think when someone is intimidating to a person, it's some mental entity that's created by the said person. Gauged perhaps by their own insecurities and self worth and esteem. It could be the guy thinks the lady is to "hot and attractive" that he may personally believe that she wouldn't want to talk to him.
But as far as getting stood up at a date... I hardly think that's the reason.
I agree with Nat here. Also Carl brings up a good point. There are different kinds of intimidation. Status, money, physical size, looks etc etc. On MFP browsing through the forums I notice some men get intimidated by women that lift. I think there was a topic created by one of the MFP Singles member on here touching on the subject. I can't remember which member, thread or part of the forum it was in. I seen many women at the gym lifting and it's never intimidated me. I actually think it's awesome.
Speaking of fitness, some of my male friends say they wanna try Zumba class with me but are intimidated by the large group of women in the class so they never go. Yet I'm not. However talking to women myself, I rarely initiate the conversation. Shyness or intimidation? I think it's a mix of both coming from me yet, if they talk to me 1st, I have no problems conversing back and forth with them. Beautiful, super smart, high status job, etc etc. it doesn't bother me at all.0 -
I've had many guy friends tell me my problem in dating is that I'm intimidating. I even had a guy on Match write me that. I intimidated him.
Even if I don't try to be intimidating with dates, the guy friends who see me interact with my son say I run his life like he's one of my troops and no man wants to live like that. I don't see myself that way toward "the man of the house" but at the same time, i can't blame guys for judging how I would treat them by how I treat my son.
That example aside, I think most of the time guys say they're intimidated by me it's *their* issue b/c they know they don't have *their* life together or they know *they* don't treat woman the way she should be treated.
And when I hear women say men are just intimidated by them, I think that more often than not she's one of those bitter, spiteful, man haters who wants to control everything instead of letting the man be the man (related thread on this coming in 5...4...3...2..1..)0 -
Intimidation is a real phenomenon. There are times where men intimidate women and times where women intimidate men.
Did intimidation cause a stand up? Probably not. Online dating is notorious for that sort of thing. I don't believe it to be the format that works best for finding sustainable relationship with compatible singles. Even when it does work (effectiveness), it is rather inefficient.
A way to guard against stand ups is to set up real easy dates. With both online and offline found first dates, I tend to like to schedule something close to where I live. That makes it real easy if there's a late cancellation (less than a few hours before the date) or an outright stand up. You'll feel less bad about a stand up if you're meeting someone for a first date within walking distance or a short drive of where you live.0 -
I've heard other women say this, and I've heard it said about me a lot (my mom likes this one, lol.) I think it's usually just a cop out.
I don't think there's anything intimidating about me, and usually when I hear other women say this, they mean "I'm a totally overbearing and rude prima donna, but I want to blame the guy for the demise of our relationship." That's just my personal experiences, though. Not saying it couldn't be true in some situations.
LOL My sentiments exactly!0 -
I'll agree with a lot of what I've read here. The initial approach in person may be intimidating for a man if a woman is really hot, or if she's just not giving him clear vibes but he's going in anyway. That is different in person though when it's someone you don't know.
I often get told by friends, male and female, that I am intimidating. I was shocked when a friend told me how hard it was sometimes to be friends with someone who seems to have it all together ALL THE TIME because it seemed like she always needed my help but couldn't offer any in return. I don't make many mistakes truthfully because I analyze every decision and go with my gut... so when I told my friends back in July that I slept with someone on the first date, they couldn't believe I would do that. It's not like me but was ironically a conscious decision.
I do think in my past my job success made me come across as intimindating. But not for the reasons that a lot of women latch on to....it was about ME and the way I intentionally put up walls, acted tough like one of the guys, and didn't embrace being a girl. It's amazing now, even as my career has moved upward, that the guys in the office today don't think that at all. I dress more feminely because I've started to enjoy feeling like a girl! I don't feel the need to win every discussion/ argument, so they see a softer side that I didn't show before. I've learned to more openly share my personal life, as you can tell on here, and even share my struggles so I'm not giving off the image of perfection and covering up my dirty laundry.
I was intiminating then because I chose to be. I know there are times it's about the other person's confidence, but more often than not, the woman who says that is choosing to give that vibe off. It makes me laugh coming to that conclusion now because the old me would have blamed every guy, haha...
Thank you, Angie, for your honesty and openness. I do appreciate it and can definitely see where you are coming from. First of all, I want to say that you should be proud of your successes. I am proud of you! But you did hit a point.. you recognize that you had put up a "strong, tough" act and acted like "one of the guys"... my friend, although not successful in the career field like you, has a tough dirty job and puts on this "tough girl" act... For instance, I'm a girlie girl. I'm feminine. I dress feminine. Does that make sense? I'm into pink and purple and flowers and flowy type clothes and earrings and such. She is into tight jeans and a t-shirt. Granted, she is sexy, and many men think so. She has no trouble attracting them... but once she does... she does come off as a bit obnoxious, loud, rude... She has some trust issues so she puts up a wall... refuses to cry in front of anyone... doesn't like to be touched in public... we are really almost complete opposites... lol... but she is one of my very best friends in the world, and I love her to death. We've been friends for twenty plus years... I just hate that I can't help her more... she wants a relationship desperately...0 -
Intimidation is a real phenomenon. There are times where men intimidate women and times where women intimidate men.
Did intimidation cause a stand up? Probably not. Online dating is notorious for that sort of thing. I don't believe it to be the format that works best for finding sustainable relationship with compatible singles. Even when it does work (effectiveness), it is rather inefficient.
A way to guard against stand ups is to set up real easy dates. With both online and offline found first dates, I tend to like to schedule something close to where I live. That makes it real easy if there's a late cancellation (less than a few hours before the date) or an outright stand up. You'll feel less bad about a stand up if you're meeting someone for a first date within walking distance or a short drive of where you live.
Hey, DM... we all know how you feel about online dating, babe.
She had actually met this guy once before. They talked on the phone throughout the week. My initial impression was that he really just wasn't that into her.. he was keeping her as an option but apparently something he liked better came along... she tends to be overbearing at times.0 -
Okay... just to clarify...
I do think people can be intimidated by others for a variety of reasons. I have been intimidated by bosses before. It's not even just about the opposite sex. I do agree that the person who feels intimidation is usually the one with insecurities and it may or may not be the cause of the intimidator.
I will also agree that some people seem to think there are "leagues" out there and are intimidated by someone "out of their league"... I've even approached a man before who told me that he would never have approached me because he thought I was "out of his league"... really... that's just ludicrous... lol
So, I do get that "intimidation" is real...
But I also think it's thrown out there a bit too much as an excuse... as a way to soften the blow... as a way to "deal" with one's own insecurities...
Because... really... what would make ONE person so intimidating that no one approaches them? If that's the case, then how come the super hot people get all the messages? If that was the case, the super fabulous would all be dating each other right. We all know that sometimes you see really pretty girls with not so pretty guys and vice versa...
I'm just wondering what intimidates men. i don't think it's all about looks. Maybe initially, but not completely...0 -
I'm so the opposite of intimidating. I actually may have a sign on my forehead that says "no, really..come talk to me, clearly I have nothing better to do". Sigh. I don't even mean this in a dating sense.. this is just everyday life in grocery stores and at gas stations.
Honestly, I think a huge part of it is that I actually smile, a lot, and make and maintain eye contact! I see so many beautiful women walking around with frowns and faces that communicate "leave me alone". If I was a shy or less confident guy I would absolutely be intimidated by that. I also know that many of these women are shy and lack confidence..but really do want someone to approach them.
On the flip side, I will also talk to anyone, anytime, anywhere. Particularly if you are really, really hot, or really important. I like the little internal challenge!0 -
Honestly, I think a huge part of it is that I actually smile, a lot, and make and maintain eye contact! I see so many beautiful women walking around with frowns and faces that communicate "leave me alone". If I was a shy or less confident guy I would absolutely be intimidated by that. I also know that many of these women are shy and lack confidence..but really do want someone to approach them.
On the flip side, I will also talk to anyone, anytime, anywhere. Particularly if you are really, really hot, or really important. I like the little internal challenge!
Great approach. Can't recommend this enough.
I'm a very confident guy in so many areas. And you see that immediately after I get to know you. But I'm terrible at starting conversations with women out of the blue. I always have been. This is a major issue now. When much younger, before my marriage (e.g. at university), it was much easier, because you always found yourself in groups of people, and you usually knew a few of them. So the conversation flowed quite easily for me.
But if I just see an attractive woman at Starbucks, for example, I'll almost never say anything. I always feel like I'm imposing, perhaps she's married, seeing someone, etc., etc. The problem is, with my busy lifestyle, this is probably one of the few ways I can meet potential dates, especially when I don't like on-line dating, and don't bother...
Quite a conundrum.
What do you think, ladies, when a guy begins to chat you up out of the blue, perhaps in line somewhere, on a tram, in an airplane, etc.? Somewhere where you typically don't expect to meet a potential date... Is it awkward? Uncomfortable? Enticing? Any tips for staring conversations so I don't seem like a total slime ball? Again, the key is that you're not in a bar, or any place that people typically go to meet people.
Edit: oh, and also, the conversation needs to lead to the desired result, i.e. her phone number, or some way to actually see her again... Making a great impression is not enough! I've got perhaps 2 minutes, how to achieve my goal? Thanks!
--P0 -
What do you think, ladies, when a guy begins to chat you up out of the blue, perhaps in line somewhere, on a tram, in an airplane, etc.? Somewhere where you typically don't expect to meet a potential date... Is it awkward? Uncomfortable? Enticing? Any tips for staring conversations so I don't seem like a total slime ball? Again, the key is that you're not in a bar, or any place that people typically go to meet people.
Edit: oh, and also, the conversation needs to lead to the desired result, i.e. her phone number, or some way to actually see her again... Making a great impression is not enough! I've got perhaps 2 minutes, how to achieve my goal? Thanks!
--P
Depends on whether you strike up conversation with something casual and light-hearted, but which prompts a response, or something overtly suggestive (if that's not an oxymoron!). I have zero problem with someone talking to me in a queue/on a train/in a plane and will almost always "play" back, unless the conversation starter is sleazy/makes me feel uncomfortable - something too intimate or suggestive from a total stranger. I'd aim for a 66/33 ratio in your two minutes - 66% getting conversation underway and making her feel comfortable with you, and 33% results-focused - if she feels comfortable, she's more likely to give you her number! Oh, and at the end of a pleasant conversation, a very simple "I've really enjoyed chatting to you, and I'd like to talk some more/continue the conversation - do you have some free time next week/tomorrow/on Saturday?" would be more successful (with me, anyway) than any of the typical chat-up lines, but that could just be me. Anyone else?
On the OP... Hello, I'm apparently 'intimidating', but I don't think I'm *****y, particularly demanding or give off massive stay-away vibes. I wouldn't find me intimidating, and apparently neither do my friends - male or female. Reasons given for my intimidation factor range from being "tall" (I'm 5'8", so not exactly Amazonian!), via being "too intelligent/uses too many long words", through to my career (admittedly a bit left-field for some), "seeming confident", and appearing to have things "together".
Honestly, I have to conclude that most of these things are down to the other person's insecurities rather than my issues. I've worked quite hard on becoming more 'approachable' in the manner generally described here - eye-contact, touching on the arm, smiling etc, to no avail. I'm not unpleasant to look at, unless stick-thin is the only appearance that doesn't make a specific person wince. I guess I'm not meeting the right guys... Unfortunately, I don't seem to be able to figure out where all the right guys are hiding!:laugh:
Edited to add - I've just been censored for the first time on MFP! This deserves a toast :drinker:0
