Partnership

JessePaige90

This may have been unfair but I asked my husband to really push me. None of my friends that I actually see on a regular basis are struggling with weight, or they are but they're not really working on it. At first I didn't even want help from my husband because he didn't need to lose weight. Then we started exercising together and he's working on conditioning me for running. I told him I really wanted to be able to run like him (he's had to train for the Air Force and now the Police Academy) so we quit smoking together and keep each other from smoking every day. I have asked him to partner with me on this weight loss the same way. Not necessarily doing what I do but talking me through it. It really makes a difference when you have this kind of support. Anyone else have this kind of partnership?

chezmama

My husband can sort of be that help, but we have also had a lot of fights about my weight and he has said much to hurt me about it over the years. Lately he is more supportive, but I keep him at arms length because I don't want him to cross that hurtful line ever again.

JessePaige90

Eric and I have fought about my weight too but it was always about me saying the hurtful things. I had this bad habit of getting mad at him when he would tell me how great he thinks I look. It's hard for me to hear that from him when I don't know what he could possibly see. When we first got together I was very thin, now I'm 30 pounds overweight. It makes a huge difference to me but not him. He decided not to fight me on whether or not I look good. He instead focused on how unhappy I was and he said he wanted me happy again so instead of telling me I don't need to lose weight, he's coaching me through it.

chezmama

My husband told me about 55 pounds ago that I would be hot if I lost 25 pounds. So, needless to say, I will never be skinny enough to suit him, mostly because I have no desire to work as hard as it would take to lose 80 pounds and maintain that kind of loss. But those words, and others like them, will always be with me, even though he doesn't say them anymore. He will ask me to go for walks, etc, and I will say yes even though I don't feel like it. But that's about as close as I will let him get. For him it is a black and white proposition. For me it is gray. And as a black and white proposition, there is no room for gender differences. To him, hormones play no role. He is a perfectionist and nothing will ever be good enough. He cannot tell me I look good ever because I don't look totally good. It's like if he gives me any sort of complement, it will be the same as registering his complete approval. I have had to go out and develop this weird fantasy world in my mind to help myself feel beautiful because I was never going to get it from my husband, like should happen. But since I have been able to feel more beautiful in my own head, he has treated me like I'm more beautiful. So it seems you and I have the opposite problem because there was a time when I would have given anything to hear just one good word from the man who is supposed to love and cherish me. I decided instead to go out cherish my own damn self. And it has made all the difference in the world.

JessePaige90

That's got to be tough. I think it's really cool that you were able to find your beauty on your own and while it would be a lot better for you to have validation from your husband I think it's really awesome that you rise above it. I would kill to have your confidence. Ever since I gained my weight I have been acting like a crazy person with my husband. Over the past year it has gotten a lot better because I have accepted the fact that Eric really doesn't care. Until recent months I constantly accused him of lying when he complimented me. All I could think about was what I looked like when we first started dating. The last freak out I had was so embarrassing. We were at the beach at this oceanfront hotel restaurant with a friend, drinking and having a blast. This skinny waitress kept flirting with my husband as if I was invisible and Eric, being Eric didn't flirt back, but he didn't exactly point out that he was married and that I was his wife. This was back in July, we haven't had a fight since but that got pretty ugly. In the end I guess it doesn't matter because she was probably a skank and saw his ring and didn't care but that's not the first time we have been out in public and I suddenly become invisible because some woman decides to flirt with him in front of me and Eric either acts oblivious and insists the woman wasn't flirting or he'll say he didn't want to embarrass her. How about not embarrassing me? It's not like he doesn't know what that feels like. A few years ago it was Eric giving other guys dirty looks or saying in a very stern tone "Do you mind?" When other men would look at me or make a pass at me and I never gave a crap about the other guy's feelings, I would immediately point out Eric and my relationship. When I finally pointed that out he apologized and said that he would be more conscious of that.

chezmama

I think the feeling of being invisible has been the real culprit for me. Do I hear the same in your post? I think society wants to treat overweight women as though we are invisible. It was especially bad for me when I was relying on my husband for affirmation that was never going to come. I stopped fixing my hair and wearing makeup since I figured no one could see me anyway. I have since learned to reject the notion that I am invisible and focus on what is beautiful about me right now...not after I reach some goal... and really play up those things. I have great hair, and, if I may be so bold, great boobs and with my first pedicure, I realized I have some damn cute feet. Sexy is more of an attitude than a state of being, I have learned. I created a Pinterest board that has really helped me with this attitude. Here's the link if you want to check it out: http://pinterest.com/chezmama/true-beauty/

Also, if I may, it sounds like you have a really good man there. It sounds like you are aware of this and are working on it, but I would be careful about making him responsible for the reactions of others...be it a skanky waitress or the reactions of you yourself. Believe him when he says he loves you just the way you are. He wouldn't say it if he didn't mean it. Heck, even my husband said that in the bedroom, he doesn't think about my weight. And if somene flirts with him, you flirt all the harder with him because he's worth it and he is YOURS. And who know what might come of it later in the evening, if you assert your territory where needed. He might think that's kinda hot.

JessePaige90

I think Eric has been trying to make me see things the way you do. The last time I went shopping he met me at the mall and I hadn't bought anything. Shopping was hard when I was thin too. I have a weird build. I am only five feet tall with a short torso and long legs. I have also always been top heavy, even at 103 lbs I was in the realm of D-DD. Now I'm 160 and a DDD so finding things that fit is extra tricky, especially shirts and dresses. I was in tears, I was looking for something for a special occasion nothing worked. Eric said that maybe I should start in the shoe store. I didn't plan on new shoes but I went with it. I tried on shoes and fell in love with a pair. I bought them and Eric said "Okay so you love these shoes, you love the way you look in these shoes, lets's find something that would look awesome with these shoes." In one store Eric found a dress that on the hanger did not look like me at all but it did match the shoes. I tried it on and it did look good, it wasn't fitted but it wasn't baggy either (I usually go for fitted) I was looking at myself in the dress in the mirror and was iffy but not displeased. I stepped out of the dressing room for Eric's opinion and he said my legs looked great. I still wasn't sure. Then he took out the shoes and said to put them on. That was when I saw how good my legs looked.

chezmama

See!?! He's a real keeper! My husband would just say "If you don't like it, why don't you fix it?" Or, "Well maybe if you didn't eat so much (fill in the blank) you wouldn't have that problem!" And I think there are far more guys like mine than like yours.

Honestly, seeing my world like this has been a sea change in my life. I'm not even the same person anymore! I really like who I am now. I am 5'5" and about 207 pounds right now. At my highest I was 227. I feel far sexier than I did at 227, but I also feel far sexier than I did at 175. And I am happier than I have ever been in my life! I can honestly say that! My husband will now show me little PDA's in public (holding hands, an arm thrown around me at church, etc.) whereas before there always seemed to be about a 3 foot bubble between us, like we were barely even friends, even when I was a lot thinner. It's all about attitude! Another wonderful thing about my change in attitude is that I stopped seeing him as the enemy...and he stopped acting like the enemy.

I really hope and pray that you can come to see yourself through your husband's eyes. It's so huge.

But to answer your original question, I am guessing that not too many of us have a partnership like yours. What you have sounds amazing and special!

JessePaige90

Yeah, I have started to appreciate Eric more than ever over the past year.

I guess it was pretty naive of me to think that most of the women in this group had their men helping them out.

chezmama

No, not naive. I don't know, maybe others do. I just know my own situation, really. He's more helpful than he was but sometimes he slips a little back to his old ways. Overall, he has become a lot more helpful than he was. It didn't take much, but I am very pleased with the improvements.