Glad I got the memo!
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JanieJack
Posts: 3,830 Member
"Is that your girlfriend?"
"No, but we’re headed that way."
This convo makes me cringe!!
Went to see Beardburn’s football game the other night. I was a little miffed that when his student asked if I was his girlfriend, he said "No, but we're headed that way?" It’s not that I *want* to be “someone’s girlfriend” so much as the fact that the last time I had a guy say “…but we’re headed that way” he had no intention of a relationship with me and was using me as gap filler til something better came along (to his credit, we had an awesome time together and I learned a lot from him so it wasn’t a waste).
I pouted a bit (I was really starting to like BB), then went home, dusted myself off, and set up 2 dates from Match. My friends thought I was being immature and urged me to talk to him, since it was obvious to them this guy liked me.
So I asked him about it.
Turns out, that's not what the student asked. The student did not ask if I was his girlfriend.
The student asked if I was his fiancé.
Turns out he's considered me his girlfriend for quite some time now.
Glad I finally got the memo.
"No, but we’re headed that way."
This convo makes me cringe!!
Went to see Beardburn’s football game the other night. I was a little miffed that when his student asked if I was his girlfriend, he said "No, but we're headed that way?" It’s not that I *want* to be “someone’s girlfriend” so much as the fact that the last time I had a guy say “…but we’re headed that way” he had no intention of a relationship with me and was using me as gap filler til something better came along (to his credit, we had an awesome time together and I learned a lot from him so it wasn’t a waste).
I pouted a bit (I was really starting to like BB), then went home, dusted myself off, and set up 2 dates from Match. My friends thought I was being immature and urged me to talk to him, since it was obvious to them this guy liked me.
So I asked him about it.
Turns out, that's not what the student asked. The student did not ask if I was his girlfriend.
The student asked if I was his fiancé.
Turns out he's considered me his girlfriend for quite some time now.
Glad I finally got the memo.
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Replies
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So are you going to cancel the other match dates?0
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Um, thanks for sharing.
Perhaps you and Beardburn are not on the same page. Maybe it'd be good to talk things through before setting up more dates with new men. That seems fair and equitable.
@Sadrina-I like the 1983-1993 San Francisco Giants script on your weight loss ticker.0 -
I dont really 'get' the way you guys do things in America, but I'm pleased for you, if that's what you want ? :flowerforyou:0
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Hahaha, Janie!! Your friends are right! Open communication prevents so much of this unwarranted anger/hurt!
Poor guy, probably had no idea what the ish was!0 -
So are you going to cancel the other match dates?
No, I didn't cancel them. My telling him about how I set up those dates in reaction to him saying I wasn't his girlfriend (and also in reaction to the fact that my phone often beeps to tell me he's on Match) is what inspired him to make us "official."
The funny thing is, if you had told me a couple months ago I’d get a boyfriend right before heading to the beach for a few weeks and then deploying, I would have laughed at you. Who wants to miss out on all that beach hotness? But BB is a great guy and we have a lot of stuff in common. We’ve been seeing each other 1-2x a week for a couple months now and we’re still having a lot of fun. My friends like him and his friends like me.
I still have some concerns about things, and I told him I wanted to get through this deployment before we talk about anything permanent, but he constantly says little things that tells me his ultimate goal is marriage.
Like I said in another thread, I still think he wants more sooner than I do, but we have a lot of fun together and I’m open to a long term future. The minute I’m no longer open to such a future (or he changes his mind) then, of course, it will be over, as I won’t waste his time.0 -
Hahaha, Janie!! Your friends are right! Open communication prevents so much of this unwarranted anger/hurt!
Poor guy, probably had no idea
No, he didn't. He knew I had been distant since then and there is a little more to the story I'm not broadcasting publicly (out of consideration for him), but basically we’d spent a really romantic couple of days together so when I saw that he’d been on Match during our time together and the “No, but we’re headed that way" comment on what I (incorrectly) thought was “the girlfriend question” just made me think he was like most of the other guys I’d known. Still trolling for a better woman, but using me as gap filler.
That’s not true with him.
But you gotta realize, I’ve had this happen several times where the guy was on Match and when I asked him about it said he wasn’t. But if that guy strings you along for awhile it eventually comes out that whether he was on match or went to a different system so MY MO has been unless he *says* you’re exclusive then you’re not. In my mind, there’s no sense in asking him (because he’s gonna lie anyway). You might as well just get yourself back out there and let it fizzle.
Unfortunately, a weird thing happened. I realized at that time how very much I liked this guy despite all my bravado. My profile pic was taken from our first date after “officially” becoming gf/by last week. I suppose you can tell we’re both very happy.0 -
Glad you ended up clearing things up as to status of relationship. He's a cutie by the way. Crossing fingers that things stay strong. 0 -
Glad your happy. He is very handsome0
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Congratulations! He's a cutie pie, girl!!! And seems really into you, from what you say. Yay for you!!!0
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He missed the lecture on "making" things official apparently. When it is time to become exclusive I always provide some type of cheesy gift like a snow globe with my picture in it that plays "our" song or something else like that and say, "you know this means your stuck with me now, right?"
Maybe that's just me...0 -
He missed the lecture on "making" things official apparently. When it is time to become exclusive I always provide some type of cheesy gift like a snow globe with my picture in it that plays "our" song or something else like that and say, "you know this means your stuck with me now, right?"
Maybe that's just me...
Haha that's great! By the way, Go Steelers!!
Thanks! He’s 6’4” and we fit really well together so far. He still does the little things like open my door/car door for me and remembers the stuff I like or don’t like. I’m not used to a man paying that much attention to me after the first couple dates. He just today bought a ticket to come visit me for the one part of my deployment where we can meet up.Congratulations! He's a cutie pie, girl!!! And seems really into you, from what you say. Yay for you!!!
One funny tidbit… when we had the talk about being exclusive, he said “…and I really, REALLY like you.” I said “I like you too.” He replied that he was happy to hear it, that it was the first time I’d ever said I liked him. I told him, “Of course it is! You’re not supposed to say that kind of stuff until the guy does first!” He laughed at those antiquated rules, but at the same time he didn’t want to be the first because he wasn’t sure how I felt. I can’t imagine how silly it’s gonna be if we get to the point of “I love you.”0 -
This sounds great - especially the part about him guying a ticket to see you! I'm glad it's working out so far. I didn't realize it was difficult to say to someone that you like them. I have no problems with that. Love is another matter that can carry such heavy weight to it to be the first to say it, but like? If I like someone, it means I enjoy their company and want to spend more time around them. I don't know why that should scare anyone off if you say it first (male or female). I have always been adamant about not saying "I love you first" and letting the guy do it... but have always blurted in out first in the end! LOL!Thanks! He’s 6’4” and we fit really well together so far. He still does the little things like open my door/car door for me and remembers the stuff I like or don’t like. I’m not used to a man paying that much attention to me after the first couple dates. He just today bought a ticket to come visit me for the one part of my deployment where we can meet up.
One funny tidbit… when we had the talk about being exclusive, he said “…and I really, REALLY like you.” I said “I like you too.” He replied that he was happy to hear it, that it was the first time I’d ever said I liked him. I told him, “Of course it is! You’re not supposed to say that kind of stuff until the guy does first!” He laughed at those antiquated rules, but at the same time he didn’t want to be the first because he wasn’t sure how I felt. I can’t imagine how silly it’s gonna be if we get to the point of “I love you.”
So... why are you still keeping the other two dates now? That I don't get.0 -
If I like someone, it means I enjoy their company and want to spend more time around them. I don't know why that should scare anyone off if you say it first (male or female). I have always been adamant about not saying "I love you first" and letting the guy do it... but have always blurted in out first in the end! LOL!
So... why are you still keeping the other two dates now? That I don't get.
The last two guys I really liked, and told, both lost interest in me that day. So I made up my mind to "play it by the rules" when it came to that. I don't think I need to worry about those kinds of dumb rules with this guy. The more I think about it, the more I wonder if those are rules intended to keep "players" around long enough for them to actually want to settle down, not necessarily for the "normal guy."
As to the dates, yes I kept them. That's why my friends were mad at me and thought I was immature to do this (I agree, hindsight). They didn't get the "player" vibe from him that they got from everyone else I've dated in the last couple years. They got the vibe that he was really into me (how did I miss this??) and so they thought I should talk to him about it. As far as I was concerned, there was nothing to talk about: You were on match while we were together. You told the student I wasn't your girlfriend. I'm moving on. End of discussion. I'm glad he just laughed it off. I'm also glad he wasn't too mad at me for setting up dates. Though he did say next time just tell him about stuff that bothers me before making rash decisions.
I felt like the worst human alive when he told me the convo wasn't about me being his girlfriend but his fiancé!! Totally different meaning!0 -
I have a feeling that he considers you his girlfriend because you've been out with him a handful of times. A lot of guys who don't have a lot of dating experience would almost consider this being exclusing boyfriend/girlfriend territory.
I think there comes a point when you date someone enough (even though you aren't officially boyfriend/girlfriend) where you stop seeing other people out of courtesy. At least that's what I do.0 -
If I like someone, it means I enjoy their company and want to spend more time around them. I don't know why that should scare anyone off if you say it first (male or female). I have always been adamant about not saying "I love you first" and letting the guy do it... but have always blurted in out first in the end! LOL!
So... why are you still keeping the other two dates now?
As to the dates, yes I kept them. That's why my friends were mad at me and thought I was immature to do this (I agree, hindsight).
I'm glad he just laughed it off. I'm also glad he wasn't too mad at me for setting up dates.
So you went out on the dates AFTER he told you the real deal? And he was just fine with that? :huh:
Different strokes for different folks I guess...0 -
If I like someone, it means I enjoy their company and want to spend more time around them. I don't know why that should scare anyone off if you say it first (male or female). I have always been adamant about not saying "I love you first" and letting the guy do it... but have always blurted in out first in the end! LOL!
So... why are you still keeping the other two dates now?
As to the dates, yes I kept them. That's why my friends were mad at me and thought I was immature to do this (I agree, hindsight).
I'm glad he just laughed it off. I'm also glad he wasn't too mad at me for setting up dates.
So you went out on the dates AFTER he told you the real deal? And he was just fine with that? :huh:
Different strokes for different folks I guess...
I don't understand this part either...hmmmm
Janie, I am concerned that you often assume the new guy is going to repeat the mistakes and patterns of guys who have done you wrong in the past. If nothing else, I hope being on this board has taught you that every man is different and not to judge them all by what one has said or done going forward.0 -
Oh, I misunderstood and didn't realize that the dates already happened. I would find what you did really hurtful. I'm saying that NOT to lay more guilt on you, but to just say how decent it is of him to just laugh that off and that he must really be into you to let that go.If I like someone, it means I enjoy their company and want to spend more time around them. I don't know why that should scare anyone off if you say it first (male or female). I have always been adamant about not saying "I love you first" and letting the guy do it... but have always blurted in out first in the end! LOL!
So... why are you still keeping the other two dates now? That I don't get.
The last two guys I really liked, and told, both lost interest in me that day. So I made up my mind to "play it by the rules" when it came to that. I don't think I need to worry about those kinds of dumb rules with this guy. The more I think about it, the more I wonder if those are rules intended to keep "players" around long enough for them to actually want to settle down, not necessarily for the "normal guy."
As to the dates, yes I kept them. That's why my friends were mad at me and thought I was immature to do this (I agree, hindsight). They didn't get the "player" vibe from him that they got from everyone else I've dated in the last couple years. They got the vibe that he was really into me (how did I miss this??) and so they thought I should talk to him about it. As far as I was concerned, there was nothing to talk about: You were on match while we were together. You told the student I wasn't your girlfriend. I'm moving on. End of discussion. I'm glad he just laughed it off. I'm also glad he wasn't too mad at me for setting up dates. Though he did say next time just tell him about stuff that bothers me before making rash decisions.
I felt like the worst human alive when he told me the convo wasn't about me being his girlfriend but his fiancé!! Totally different meaning!
I have to second what pa_jorg said above. Sorry if I'm way off base here, but I feel like you've been looking for the worst in Mr. BB since the start. It seems to me like he is a really decent guy, but you are second guessing everything he says, like he's being deceitful. Although I admit that I don't understand the concept of shopping around when you're with someone with so much potential - I take my profile down after one promising date to focus on someone I like though. Why would he still be on Match if he considers you bf/gf? I might just be a little confused about the chronology of things that have happened too.0 -
Nice recovery, Beardburn!
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So you went out on the dates AFTER he told you the real deal? And he was just fine with that? :huh:
Different strokes for different folks I guess...
Yeah, my thoughts, exactly. I'm not sure which strikes me as worse: you going out on the dates, or him not minding.
In fact, the entire courtship seems like a *process*, with check lists, milestones, go/no-go points, etc. Being a fellow engineer, I do respect process and order. But in the dating/love realm, it strikes me as a bit out of place, even cold. For example, you apparently have a process for saying "I love you," which brings to mind a flow diagram...
But, yeah, different strokes, etc.
In any case, good luck to you and hope it all works out. Seems like a nice guy.
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Hahaha, Janie!! Your friends are right! Open communication prevents so much of this unwarranted anger/hurt!
Poor guy, probably had no idea
No, he didn't. He knew I had been distant since then and there is a little more to the story I'm not broadcasting publicly (out of consideration for him), but basically we’d spent a really romantic couple of days together so when I saw that he’d been on Match during our time together and the “No, but we’re headed that way" comment on what I (incorrectly) thought was “the girlfriend question” just made me think he was like most of the other guys I’d known. Still trolling for a better woman, but using me as gap filler.
That’s not true with him.
But you gotta realize, I’ve had this happen several times where the guy was on Match and when I asked him about it said he wasn’t. But if that guy strings you along for awhile it eventually comes out that whether he was on match or went to a different system so MY MO has been unless he *says* you’re exclusive then you’re not. In my mind, there’s no sense in asking him (because he’s gonna lie anyway). You might as well just get yourself back out there and let it fizzle.
Unfortunately, a weird thing happened. I realized at that time how very much I liked this guy despite all my bravado. My profile pic was taken from our first date after “officially” becoming gf/by last week. I suppose you can tell we’re both very happy.
I was going to ask if BB was the profile pic guy!! You look very happy!0 -
As to the dates, yes I kept them. That's why my friends were mad at me and thought I was immature to do this (I agree, hindsight).
I'm glad he just laughed it off. I'm also glad he wasn't too mad at me for setting up dates.
So you went out on the dates AFTER he told you the real deal? And he was just fine with that? :huh:
Different strokes for different folks I guess...
Um.... the dates were before I talked to him. When I talked to him and told him I set up dates after hearing (what I thought was) him saying I wasn't his girlfriend, he said he wanted to be exclusive.
TBH, I hadn't had any other dates for a couple weeks- Carl's 2-for-1 special with me and my friend was actually the last "date" type activity because I've been spending so much time with BB I haven't had time for other guys.
I think he laughed it off because he understood where I was coming from. You're on Match all the time, now you've started logging in while we're together, and you tell the kid I'm not your girlfriend. Of COURSE I'm going to think he's not all into me. I think it's actually quite mature of him. At the same time, now that we've had the "exclusive" talk I think he would be very hurt if I went out with someone else, and I have no intention of doing so.0 -
Unfortunately, a weird thing happened. I realized at that time how very much I liked this guy despite all my bravado. My profile pic was taken from our first date after “officially” becoming gf/by last week. I suppose you can tell we’re both very happy.
I was going to ask if BB was the profile pic guy!! You look very happy!
I am, thanks!0 -
Oh, I misunderstood and didn't realize that the dates already happened. I would find what you did really hurtful.
This is how my friends felt. They flat out told me I was a jerk for going out with other guys rather than talking to him when it was obvious we were crazy about each other. I was of the mindset there's nothing else to discuss. You're still on Match. Yous said I wasn't your girlfriend. What's there to discuss? It's the same story as the other guys. NEXT! It took my friends to help me see that BB was NOT like the other guys this scenario has played out with.
Yeah, I think it's awesome that he is so forgiving, and very mature! I certainly don't want to keep giving him things to forgive! He was miffed at first when I mentioned the dates, but then I explained my thought process, things I've observed, and how my hearing him wrong made me think he was moving on. I think he's only really let it go because I promised not to let it happen again.how decent it is of him to just laugh that off and that he must really be into you to let that go.
This is exactly what my friends said. My group is a mix of guys and gals and when I saw the pained look in the eyes of my guy friends as I was talking about all this I realized I messed up big time. They'd never felt this way about the other guys I'd dated, but they also felt the other guys I'd dated were dogs.I have to second what pa_jorg said above. Sorry if I'm way off base here, but I feel like you've been looking for the worst in Mr. BB since the start. It seems to me like he is a really decent guy, but you are second guessing everything he says, like he's being deceitful.
All of the guys I've gone out with more than a couple times have been amazing. Strong, powerful, financially secure, VERY promising. And all of them, except BB, have played me like a fool. One even said, here in Single Peeps, that I was simply gap filler. Which is why I started taking a more causal approach to dating... after all, THEY were doing it, and it helped me not get attached too soon so it hurt less when things didn't work out.Although I admit that I don't understand the concept of shopping around when you're with someone with so much potential - I take my profile down after one promising date to focus on someone I like though.
BB is different. And it's taken me a while to realize that he is different.Why would he still be on Match if he considers you bf/gf? I might just be a little confused about the chronology of things that have happened too.
He said he was on Match to tell people he wasn't interested. A month ago I would not have believed him. But he just bought a plane ticket out to timbucktoo to visit me while deployed (as long as uncle sam doesn't change things). So I think he's serious.0 -
I've actually logged into other dating sites to tell matches I had been communicating that I was going to focus on someone I had a connection with. I think honesty & good communication can go a long way in EVERY relationship, be it friend, coworker, family member, lover...a potential match. I've left things on good terms with matches and ended up picking back up communications because things didn't work out. They respected my honesty and me not stringing them along or being a "player".
In your case, it sounds like open communication about where things are and where they are headed could have prevented much of the misunderstanding. I think you guys may want to have a talk about freezing your dating site profiles and being exclusive so there is no misunderstanding and make sure you are both on the same page with expectations from one another.
I wish you good luck 0 -
How did I miss this?!?!
He's very cute JJ!!!! Congratulations!!!!!!0 -
I think you guys may want to have a talk about freezing your dating site profiles and being exclusive so there is no misunderstanding and make sure you are both on the same page with expectations from one another.
I wish you good luck
Yep, this was part of the "exclusive" convo. Thanks!0 -
I dont understand why someone who wants to get married would start dating other people when the person they are dating states publicly that marriage is also their eventual destination too!
Id be like yay you dont just want to date people for three years at a time for the rest of your life!0 -
I dont understand why someone who wants to get married would start dating other people when the person they are dating states publicly that marriage is also their eventual destination too!
Yoovie, do you know how many guys out here pretend they eventually wanna get married, "oh, you might just be the woman I'll settle down with" in order to get down her pants? Say stuff like that so the woman fills in the blanks "with me." Maybe they don't do that in the band culture you're in, but out here it seems like that's #3 in the players handbook (after insult her a little to increase your value, and turn on the fake charm w/lots of kino). Lol.
Like other posters have said, I have a very hard time trusting that guys really mean what they say. I'm sure this has cost me other men in the past. The good news is, once my mindset shifts from "he's just playing me" to "he really likes me" all the sudden I'm seeing all the evidence and kicking myself for not seeing it before.0 -
awww congrats. You two are really cute together.0
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I think flimflamfloz got it right in another thread where he pointed out here that people in this group are too hasty to push the NEXT! button. Patience sometimes really pays off. I'm glad this didn't backfire on you.Oh, I misunderstood and didn't realize that the dates already happened. I would find what you did really hurtful.
This is how my friends felt. They flat out told me I was a jerk for going out with other guys rather than talking to him when it was obvious we were crazy about each other. I was of the mindset there's nothing else to discuss. You're still on Match. Yous said I wasn't your girlfriend. What's there to discuss? It's the same story as the other guys. NEXT! It took my friends to help me see that BB was NOT like the other guys this scenario has played out with.
BB sounds like a keeper! I'm glad to hear that he was just politely ending communication with other Matches. I did that myself several weeks ago - got some nice messages back too thanking me and wishing me luck. 0
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