Okay peeps, I need your advice

oddyogi

I hesitated posting this here because of all the negative nancies.. but then I realized I don't care THAT much. Perhaps the men can give me some insight.

Hokay, so. I've been dating Steve for about six months now. He is a great guy. Cooks for me all the time, opens car doors and regular doors, isn't ever mean, encourages me to hang out with friends, etc. BUT. I feel like he is emotionally closed off to me still. I've already said I love you, because I do. I said it a couple of months ago. He still hasn't said it, and I haven't pressured him to say it, but he knows that the fact that he hasn't said it yet makes me insecure sometimes. So sue me, I'm a woman.

In addition to the l-word thing, he's just not verbally expressive period. I always invite myself over, he has never once said "I miss you." Yesterday I asked him why we haven't hung out on weekdays anymore. He responded because I've been taking care of my roomie (which I have) and that I can come over anytime I want to. I said that I was waiting for an invite, an "I miss you" or any other type of cue, and he said "Well then you'll be waiting until you're old and grey." He knows he's not a verbal person. I've talked to him about it a few times and he's said he would work on it, but I can tell he's just not that type of person.

I am a very verbal person. In fact, I told him yesterday that I want him to say things else I don't know, that I'm a verbal person so that means I need verbal cues and reassurances! I know by his actions that he cares for me. But I feel like I'm very close to him, and he's not so close to me. He's very emotionally distant. Is 6 months too soon to be emotionally close? This is the slowest I've ever taken a relationship, and while slow is good, I'm not sure if I can deal with being emotionally closed off for a long distance relationship.

We still don't know where his orders are going to be to. He leaves here (if he doesn't stay here) early-mid December. I've talked to a couple of friends and they tell me to "test him" by not hanging out with him or whatever until he asks me to. I feel like that's playing games.

I don't really know what to do. I don't want to lose a good guy, but I'm a very emotionally open person and it hurts sometimes that he hasn't opened up to me yet or really hasn't shown me any emotional side to him yet. It's all very confusing and lots to type.. so I probably missed some key points. I really care about this man and want this to work but I can't do all of the work and I can't force him to do anything. I don't want to nag at the point until it pushes him away, I just don't know what to do.

Sorry for the long post.

Jennifer2387

Awwww! You love him!!!

I think that people are who they are. He isn't a talker. My guess is .. if he isn't certain where he is going to be in a couple months he may be holding back because of that. He may not want to let himself be open like that if he is going to leave the area. has he said he wants to continue seeing you if he leaves? Does he know you want to continue seeing him if he leaves?

I am willing to bet that is the big sticking point. In my mind .. you don't hang out with someone for 6 months unless you really like them. :bigsmile:

dbrightwell1270

I think that you are frustrated and I think your part about feeling like you are doing all the work is probably inaccurate. It is more likely that you aren't recognizing the work he is doing as he isn't a very verbally expressive person. However, if that assessment is incorrect, I think you need to ask yourself why you are with him? Afterall, that would make him both emotionally distant as seen through both verbal and non-verbally channels. You would essentially be seeing a great future with a wonderful man and he would be seeing you as someone who happened to be in the same room. That's not a good foundation.

poncho33

Honestly it just sounds like he wasn't raised in an emotionally outspoken family... I know this because I'm the same way! Have you been around his family?? You could see how they interact with each other and my guess is they don't toss words like I love you around very often.... this of coarse is just me assuming.
I know it takes me a little longer to feel comfortable saying words like that. From what you describe it sounds like he does love you.

lacroyx

Awwww! You love him!!!

I think that people are who they are. He isn't a talker. My guess is .. if he isn't certain where he is going to be in a couple months he may be holding back because of that. He may not want to let himself be open like that if he is going to leave the area. has he said he wants to continue seeing you if he leaves? Does he know you want to continue seeing him if he leaves?

I am willing to bet that is the big sticking point. In my mind .. you don't hang out with someone for 6 months unless you really like them. :bigsmile:

I also agree with the deploying thing. He may very well be holding back since he doesn't know where he will be in a few months.

Clumz27

I'm not one to be giving relationship adivce, but I do want to tell you that "testing him" is not something you should do. You love him. You say he's a good guy. Would a good guy, YOUR guy, let you love him if he didn't think it was going anywhere? Probably not. Hopefully not. Don't let his lack of emotion tear you apart. But if you really want to know... Ask him. Say, "Do you love me?"

Roadie2000

People show how they feel in different ways. Some people do it through words of affirmation or touch, some are all about the quality time, and some people do it through gifts or acts of service. And usually the way they show affection is the same in which they expect or need from a partner.

So obviously you show affection by words of affirmation, he does it in a different way (he does do it somehow right?) Nobody is perfect and everybody is different. So I wouldn't blame him for being the way he is, but I would ask yourself how bad you need things like that and if you can accept the fact that maybe that's just not how he is. I'm guessing eventually he will be able to communicate how he feels, but it's possible he will never be comfortable doing it.

oddyogi

He says he lokes me, lol. Halfway. Jenn, we have talked about what happens if he doesn't stay here. His response was, "well we can do a long distance relationship, or you can break my heart." I know he thinks of our relationship as a serious one because he's taking me to Texas over Thanksgiving to meet some of his family. He's told me I'm his first "big" relationship since his divorce. I know he cares about me. My problem is with me. Even though I know all of these things, I still let the fact that I don't hear reassurance from him bother me. Sometimes I feel like our relationship isn't that important, like if we broke up he could get over it quickly. I guess I just need to be patient.

That's hard too because I'm an impatient person. The other day we were watching a TV show and the girl was having problems because she wanted the guy to say I love you. He kept giving me a look lol.

I know I can't change the type of person he is and I don't want to. What can I do to calm myself down and quit being so needy? Blah.

La_Amazona

Hugs!!

I'm not one to give advice. My stand on this would be to not even get involved with someone like this (aka Hulk) because a) I'm NOT patient b) I know me and I'd be a hot overthinking mess.

So more power to you. I think he does care for you deeply. Do you feel you've been driving the relationship where he has been in passenger seat?
I have learned that I need to feel my bf puts in effort too. If the emotional words aren't there yet, there are other ways to show you he's putting effort in. This is what I'd focus on more.
If this is his first relationship after divorce, he could be extra cautious. So that's just part of the territory. Again, his effort would speak (or lack of) to me louder.

La_Amazona

Oh and one of my best friends waited on her bf to tell her he loved her for a year!!!!! A YEAR. I will say the way he told her was one of the most romantic things.. He wrote her a letter about all the things he loved about her then at the end he said those 3 little words.

She kept saying he was worth the wait. They're still together and are talking about getting married. She talked to me about Hulk (saying his ways reminded her of her bf in the beginning)

Obviulously, I opted out rather than take the chance and wait.

DMZ_1

Saying that this is the slowest that you have ever taken a relationship is not a bad thing. Past relationships have not ended in 'Til Death Do You Part. So maybe a different feel and a different pace could be what the doctor ordered.

With that said, yes, there are legit issues. The L word thing has relevance for sure.

Perhaps you two need to mesh your styles a little bit more.

There's absolute no reason to end things now or radically change course (test him) based on what you are saying. However, in January, things may have changed enough that the course of the relationship could change.

Relax and have fun!

Prahasaurus

Usually I just recommend the attractive women break up with their boyfriends, no matter the issue, just because I somehow feel it increases my chances... :-) But in this case I'm going to make an exception and suggest you *not* break up.

However....

I know by his actions that he cares for me. But I feel like I'm very close to him, and he's not so close to me. He's very emotionally distant. Is 6 months too soon to be emotionally close?

6 months is not too soon. And here's the thing: I fear he is not an emotional person, and is always going to be distant. I don't think it's going to get much better.

You believe he cares for you, based on his actions. Terrific! Actions are so much better than just words. But in the next sentence we learn "he's not so close to me." Hmmm...

I don't think he is going to change in any fundamental way. So the money question: you ok with that?

--P

oddyogi

So relax and patience are the key words here? Okay I can manage.

The only thing is, I'm getting out of active duty early next year. I don't know if I'm gonna move back home, somewhere else, or if he'd want me to move to whatever city he's stationed in, which I am definitely open to doing. We've talked a little about it and he's said he would like that but wants to wait until he gets orders to talk more about it, which I understand. I'm just the type that likes to plan ahead big life changes lol. Guess I have to wait a few weeks. He is supposed to find out sometime this month.

TheKitsune6

I think, with a little perspective tweaking, you guys could be awesome together.

You've been open and honest about how you feel, which is great. He's just not like that though. Instead of focusing so much on what he tells you with his word, pay attention to what he tells you with his actions (those speak louder anyway, or so I'm told). It's understandable that you want the verbal communication, and it's understandable that you would get frustrated with his lack of. I'm not saying don't be impatient... but keep it to yourself. Expressing that will only drive him away because it will make him believe that you can't accept him for who he is.

If you truly can't handle it, no matter how much you love him, it doesn't make you or him bad people... just not a fit.

Day by day.

MissingMinnesota

He says he lokes me, lol. Halfway. Jenn, we have talked about what happens if he doesn't stay here. His response was, "well we can do a long distance relationship, or you can break my heart." I know he thinks of our relationship as a serious one because he's taking me to Texas over Thanksgiving to meet some of his family. He's told me I'm his first "big" relationship since his divorce. I know he cares about me. My problem is with me. Even though I know all of these things, I still let the fact that I don't hear reassurance from him bother me. Sometimes I feel like our relationship isn't that important, like if we broke up he could get over it quickly. I guess I just need to be patient.

That's hard too because I'm an impatient person. The other day we were watching a TV show and the girl was having problems because she wanted the guy to say I love you. He kept giving me a look lol.

I know I can't change the type of person he is and I don't want to. What can I do to calm myself down and quit being so needy? Blah.

I think this post says more then your orignial post. He might not have come out and said he loves you but to me he is showing he cares about you and the relationship. He is probably gunshy about using the l-word since he is divorced and is probably afraid of being hurt again. I would not "test" him as it is probably a 99% probabality that would just blow up in your face. If this last past the deployment and he has still not said anything then you might want to re-evaluated if his not verbalizing his feelings is going to be a breaking point for you or something that you are willing to live with.

flimflamfloz

6 months is not too soon. And here's the thing: I fear he is not an emotional person, and is always going to be distant. I don't think it's going to get much better.

This.

And that:

I don't think he is going to change in any fundamental way. So the money question: you ok with that?

I should know, I'm the same.

Jennifer2387

He lokes you!!! He lokes you!! lol. That is freaking adorable! I didn't know that he had been divorced. This brings everything into focus .. at least for me. I totally understand him now.

Yes .. the second post puts more out there on how he feels. He loves you .. he just isn't ready to say it. And yes .. it is hard sometimes when you just want someone to say they love you .. and they don't. BUT .. on the other side of that coin .. if he treats you the amazing way he treats you .. then i would take that over empty words every day and twice on Sunday.

Just stay true to you and say what YOU need to say whenever you need to say it. That may prompt him to be more open. Keep it light and loving. You got this!!!

The fact that he wants to keep your relationship going after he gets stationed somewhere else speaks volumes to me!!! HOWEVER .. before I moved anywhere for him I would need the words.

jkandktmom

I was in this same relationship- without the military aspect! In fact I looked at where you were just to make sure it wasn't the same guy.

I dated this person for 2.5 years. At 6 months in I could have written your post. He hadn't said the L word but I knew he cared for me and his closest friends told me he loved me. I was also the one setting up the dates, making plans, etc. I did play 'games" ocassionally and he would call or text- of course not in the time frame I would have like.

I was also the first serious relationship after his divorce and I told myself that she really messed him up and that I needed to show him that I was different. The thing is it NEVER changed. Even after two years we were still at the place we were at 6 months. I KNEW he loved me but he still didn't say it. I KNEW he wanted me in his life but he wouldn't fight to keep me there.I finally had to say goodbye. I loved him but I wanted more in a relationship.

Good luck! I hope you get what you need!

oddyogi

The fact that he wants to keep your relationship going after he gets stationed somewhere else speaks volumes to me!!! HOWEVER .. before I moved anywhere for him I would need the words.

This. I know I won't be able to handle a long distance relationship without some kind of verbal reassurance because there wouldn't be any way for him to physically show me he cares if we're living miles apart.

And to clarify, he's not getting deployed, he's just getting stationed somewhere else. I know a few of you said something about a deployment. :P

Danielle_2013

Have you heard of the 5 love languages? Words of Affirmation, Quality time, Receiving gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch.

Sounds like you and your boyfriend may have different ways of expressing love and/or needing love expressed to you.

I personally need physical touch, quality time and words of affirmation. My recent ex was not at all physical and didn't express himself romantically through words very often. He showed love through doing things for me, gifts and spending time together.
We were together nearly 6 years.. and it never changed, even though I let him know repeatedly what I wanted and needed.

You'd think, why wasn't I grateful to have an amazing guy? Why wasn't it enough? But.. can we ever really change who we are at a basic level? There will be people more flexible than he was, surely. Or perhaps more willing to change/do things out of their comfort zone. But if this is really, really important to you.. I'd honestly ask yourself if it is something you think you can live without.

I know I can't. And I told myself for far too long that it was okay, that I knew he loved me but just had a different way of expressing it.. and he was such a great guy, and I was very attached to him emotionally. But.. it just wasn't a fit at the end of the day.. and eventually I figured it out.

Good luck!

oddyogi

I was in this same relationship- without the military aspect! In fact I looked at where you were just to make sure it wasn't the same guy.

I dated this person for 2.5 years. At 6 months in I could have written your post. He hadn't said the L word but I knew he cared for me and his closest friends told me he loved me. I was also the one setting up the dates, making plans, etc. I did play 'games" ocassionally and he would call or text- of course not in the time frame I would have like.

I was also the first serious relationship after his divorce and I told myself that she really messed him up and that I needed to show him that I was different. The thing is it NEVER changed. Even after two years we were still at the place we were at 6 months. I KNEW he loved me but he still didn't say it. I KNEW he wanted me in his life but he wouldn't fight to keep me there.I finally had to say goodbye. I loved him but I wanted more in a relationship.

Good luck! I hope you get what you need!

As far as I know, his divorce was a mutual decision and they are amicable. I even met her and her new fiancé and everyone got along fine. She told me she always had trouble reading him. They do share custody of their dogs, lol.

Speaking of dogs, I know he is capable of voicing his emotions because he tells his dogs all the time how much he loves them, how handsome they are, and how much he'll miss them when they're gone. I even joked around the other day and said "oh so you can tell the dogs you miss them but not me?" And he said, "we'll they've been in my life for four years."

I'm a super big dog lover and I love the fact that his are like his children, but I have to admit I'm the tiniest but jealous of the affection they get, lol. Maybe I'm just an emotional hot mess.