Okay peeps, I need your advice

AnnaPixie

I hesitated posting this here because of all the negative nancies..

Really?? Oh, I wonder who that could be: -

Actually, know a lot of coworkers who carry 4-6 month "relationships." I hope this isn't the case w/Ashley, but these guys don't put real communication work into the relationship b/c they know in a couple months they'll be gone. But while they're in town they have fun, pretty, female companionship...someone to snuggle with and someone to dote on them. Someone to call up during a boring moment, to help with the house pets kids, etc. It's all the fun and no responsibility b/c he'll move on and poof.

Oh!! You couldnt possibly mean JJ!! :laugh:

@JJ - sometimes I despair with your pessimism towards men. I'm just so happy BB is teaching you to trust again :flowerforyou:

catherine4211

Please don't end things with him because of this. From what I've read these 6 months I think you 2 are awesome together. Why spoil that?? Words can be thrown around like garbage. He treats you great, you spend time doing things you both love and just in general you seem to get along in all other ways.

MissingMinnesota

I don't know.. I just always think back to how with his ex wife 3 months after they met he had proposed and a couple months after that they were hitched. I asked him about that and he said he rushed into things because she had called to break up with him because she had kissed some other guy, and he said no and convinced her to get married I guess. That was about 7 years ago I think.

I am pretty sure he has grown up and matured since then but it is a big indicator why he is not ready to jump in the fire like he did before. Also notice that she was playing games with him and it did seem to work out on the short term but not the long term. You have told him how you felt about not getting the verbal responses so you can only go from there.

grum84

Just speaking for myself here, he sounds very much like myself. I definitely show my love and affection through touch and actions (massages, holding hands, quality time, do something for my gf). I will be honest, I suck at expressing my emotions verbally. I can never seem to word things the right way, so it comes out wrong. Granted, I am always very sarcastic, so it just sounds weird when I am being serious.

This lack of verbal skills was actually brought to my attention by an ex after we broke up. She made a statement of the fact I never missed her or said I loved her or anything to that sort. Well, I had taken all the hand holding, coming up behind to kiss on the back of her neck, the long hugs before we left and when we saw each other again as signs of this. I also never 'invited' her over to my place. I just told her that she was always welcome, just let me know so I could make sure I was there (so she didn't drive an hour for nothing).

Now that I know this, I was very upfront with my current girlfriend about my love languages. She still acts me to verbalize things more clearly from time to time, but knows that it may not come out just right. That doesn't mean I don't care about her any less, and that me taking her somewhere for a weekend or doing something with her and her son or family is me showing I want to be a part of her life.

So every woman is different, and thus what works for one would never work for another. It is all about how you feel and what you are willing to do. The fact that you have been together for quite a while seems to tell that he is committed to the relationship, at least in my opinion knowing very few facts. Some people just take things slower than others. I have tried to slow down my current relationship, just b/c my others were fast and heavy, and fizzled out quickly. So time for me to change what obviously wasn't working. Best of luck, hopefully this helps or at least shows that he isn't totally crazy...unless I am totally crazy too.

JanieJack

I hesitated posting this here because of all the negative nancies..

Really?? Oh, I wonder who that could be: -

Hmmm.... I did not interpret "I hesitated posting this here because of all the negative nancies" to mean, "don't tell me anything negative, just coddle me and tell me what I want to hear so I can pretend all is well.”

All is not well. She's unhappy with an important aspect of their relationship, and if you pay careful attention to her posts, has been for quite some time. Since I am neither Mike nor Dave, so apparently I have not earned the right to express a negative opinion. Which strikes me as funny because I am neither calling names nor dogging people out for behaviors that I secretly do myself.

I will keep in mind next time that what appears to be a genuine "tell me what you think is going on" really isn't, despite the fact that my PM box is often full of "I didn't want to write it on the forum, but what you say is soooo true" type of messages.

However, I will not retract my opinion this time (even while I hope it is wrong) because I've worked with military men for over 20 years, and much of my opinion of men (skewed as you might feel it is) is based on the behavior of my peers. I will concede the fact that I may often misjudge civilian men based on the antics of my coworkers, but until you have traveled with these guys and observed their behavior when away from home I will simply acknowledge everyone's differing opinions with a grain of salt. His behavior mirrors what I've seen all the time. Doesn't mean they can't make it work. Doesn't mean anything's wrong with Ashley for being with him. Simply means I've observed stuff like this, and here's what usually happened in those cases. Have fun and enjoy it, but keep this in mind.

Truth be told, I do not agree with everyone who has said they were awesome all this time. I've had misgivings about Steve/Sugar Lips for quite awhile. He sounds like a great guy, but from Ashley's posts and PMs there appears to be a part of her that craves verbal nurturing that he is unable to deliver. And she's told him so. I haven't said anything because a) Ashley didn't ask, b) she's coming out of a difficult divorce and we all know those rebound relationships typically don't last, and (most importantly) c) this constant need for verbal affirmation may be something she decides she can handle (given his actions) as she gets further away from her divorce.

When someone I love tells me what they need, I do what I can to meet that need. And if I can't meet that need with a reasonable amount of effort then we are not compatible. No harm, no foul.

She says she tells him "I love you" without expecting a reciprocal response, yet he feels this pressure (we know this from the comment about him looking at her while they were watching TV). So it is wearing on her. And the pressure (whether she means him to feel pressure or not) is wearing on him. She has gently told him she needs more communication, and nothing has changed. This has been a common theme since that first weekend that they spent together. Even if he really does love her deep down inside, he is too cautious to say so and only Ashley can determine whether his actions are enough to satisfy her. I hope they will be, but I won't fault her for saying "I need more."

I don't want her to break up with him per se, but simply to be aware of whether or not he (the man he IS, not the man SHE WANTS HIM TO BE) is enough to meet her needs.

FWIW, the last guy who told me he wanted to take it slow and "do things right" and "not rush into anything" was civilian (not military) and you all observed him here on this forum meet someone, make her his girlfriend on the 2nd date, and talk about long term commitment the 2nd month. When you meet someone who really does it for you, the love feelings flow easy. The talk of commitment flows easy.

AnnaPixie

@JJ - you dont have to justify your opinions to me or anyone else. Mine was just an observational jest :flowerforyou:

JanieJack

All that said, I actually think this scenario is a good one for military couples, whether or not Ashley stays in the military. They've had a chance to get to know each other and now might enter into the test of him being away for a portion of time. If their relationship weathers this storm, then they will know deep down that they can handle anything the military throws at them as long as one of them is still in. Too may military marriages fall apart during deployments.

It's kinda similar to the phase BB and I are about to enter...I must admit a little part of me is excited at the thought that this just might work out while I am deployed and as I move away to complete my last assignment. I have already told him, to his face, that I will not fault him if it doesn't work out because it's unnatural for people to be separated that long, and it often doesn't work out. Doesn't mean we aren't great- just means our chosen lifestyles may not be great for each other.

Wish you the best Ashley!!