What makes you YOU?

pa_jorg

Following is a quote from DM from another thread about a possible adoption scenario:
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/756481-seriously-he-said-that

I don't believe in adding things to the equation before their time. I believe in freedom. I believe in finding that one person and then building a life around that person. Kids, pets, etc come once the relationship is on extremely solid footing.

Not everyone sees things this way and that's understandable.

I respect that the above quote is DM's opinion and he has the right to live any way he would like.

However, I've been thinking about this idea and cannot imagine holding back on life while waiting for a partner. For example, having a dog and owning a home are two things that help make me ME! They do not define me by any means, but they are things that I would not trade for the world at this moment in time - they are choices I made and am proud of and happy with.

So, I'm wondering, what are the things you do or have that make you YOU that might make you less desirable because it wasn't a shared couple decision?

AnnaPixie

So, I'm wondering, what are the things you do or have that make you YOU that might make you less desirable because it wasn't a shared couple decision?

I can't imagine what I have that would make me 'less' desirable? My house, my car, my friends, my job, my art, my interests, my monkey on my bed, my personality - all define me. This is who I am. (I was going to say my family, but I dont think they do. I didnt 'choose' them! :noway: ) Most of my choices in life have been solo. Men have come and gone. I do, to a certain extent, build a life around a current partner, but he would enhance what I have worked for, and add to it, rather than BE it!

I dont believe you should ever be putting your life on hold for any one or anything! Not for weight loss, not for a partner, not for a certain job, not for a person to die, not for anything. That may sound really selfish, but life is short, what IF you never get what you're waitin for? You've just wasted a year, a decade, a life! :flowerforyou:

TheKitsune6

I posted this quote before and I'll do it again.

“I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.”

christine24t

I will not wait to build my life around a man. I have said it before and I'll say it again. I am expecting to be single for many years.

I will buy my own house without a man. And I have even thought about having children on my own if I don't meet a guy by something like 35, either through adoption or fertilization. I don't think I'm going to meet a mate for many, many years.

kerrymh

I don't have a house/condo..I would kind of like to share that decision for a partner..BUT I won't wait for ever.
I will be getting a pet in a year or 2..I really want to have a dog...
If I don't have a partner in the next 5 years I will hopefully adopt

But really I don't want to put my life on hold of a man...I want to travel, explore try new things have unique experiences. I would love to have them with a man but life is meant to be lived. I put my life on hold for 32 years while I was fat. No more.
Now to just find the money lmao.

pudadough

I will not wait to build my life around a man. I have said it before and I'll say it again. I am expecting to be single for many years.

I will buy my own house without a man. And I have even thought about having children on my own if I don't meet a guy by something like 35, either through adoption or fertilization. I don't think I'm going to meet a mate for many, many years.

Agreed on every point.

I don't have a problem with men who already have kids. Even less if they seem to be a good dad. My older brother doesn't have a problem with women who have kids (he has none of his own.) My friend's stepdad married her mom when she already had THREE kids and her own home. He even formally adopted all three so they could share his name!

I don't buy the idea that you exclude yourself from the possibility of a match because you have the audacity to continue on with your life. If Mr. Right is *really* Mr. Right, he'll want you regardless. I've watched it happen too many times to think otherwise.

I won't wait to have a house or kids. Because if I do, I may not ever have those things. That price is too steep to worry about what some guy might think of me.

shammxo

I will not wait to build my life around a man. I have said it before and I'll say it again. I am expecting to be single for many years.

I will buy my own house without a man. And I have even thought about having children on my own if I don't meet a guy by something like 35, either through adoption or fertilization. I don't think I'm going to meet a mate for many, many years.

Agreed on every point.

I don't have a problem with men who already have kids. Even less if they seem to be a good dad. My older brother doesn't have a problem with women who have kids (he has none of his own.) My friend's stepdad married her mom when she already had THREE kids and her own home. He even formally adopted all three so they could share his name!

I don't buy the idea that you exclude yourself from the possibility of a match because you have the audacity to continue on with your life. If Mr. Right is *really* Mr. Right, he'll want you regardless. I've watched it happen too many times to think otherwise.

I won't wait to have a house or kids. Because if I do, I may not ever have those things. That price is too steep to worry about what some guy might think of me.

Exactly!

In high school I met a girl whose mother was marrying a new man. She already had five kids, and he adopted all of them.
It's not for everyone, obviously. But like you said, if he is REALLY Mr. Right, he'll take you and everything that comes along with you.

Carl01

For me this topic presents an endless series of conundrums.

What makes me me is doing what every one says not to do...I did put my life on hold for what does boil down to waiting for 2 people that could not take care of themselves to die.
Even now after they are both gone am still doing that as I navigate my way through a painfully slow legal system to get an estate settled.

Do I wish it was different...yes
Do I resent it at times...yes
Do I regret the decisions I made...no
Did I still "live"...yes
Was it a "life"...no

It is hard sometimes to put things into neatly categorized files,life is just too complicated for that.

meshashesha2012

i'm an explorer. fearlessness in the face of the unknown is pretty much one of the main cores of my personality. it shows itself in the fact that i've relocated numerous times simply because i've been curious about a place but also in how i approach life in general. i've met many guys who lack any type of curiosity and my interest in them doesnt last very long.

that's probably one of the only things that i can't negotiate on since it's such a large part of my personality

AnnaPixie

For me this topic presents an endless series of conundrums.

What makes me me is doing what every one says not to do...I did put my life on hold for what does boil down to waiting for 2 people that could not take care of themselves to die.
Even now after they are both gone am still doing that as I navigate my way through a painfully slow legal system to get an estate settled.

Do I wish it was different...yes
Do I resent it at times...yes
Do I regret the decisions I made...no
Did I still "live"...yes
Was it a "life"...no

It is hard sometimes to put things into neatly categorized files,life is just too complicated for that.

Carl, I love you for your big and your generous spirit. You're a better 'man' than I'll ever be! :smooched:

I said this to another friend of generous spirit on here yesterday. And I'll say it to you because I truly believe it - for you, my friend, the best is yet to come!! :flowerforyou:

shammxo

For me this topic presents an endless series of conundrums.

What makes me me is doing what every one says not to do...I did put my life on hold for what does boil down to waiting for 2 people that could not take care of themselves to die.
Even now after they are both gone am still doing that as I navigate my way through a painfully slow legal system to get an estate settled.

Do I wish it was different...yes
Do I resent it at times...yes
Do I regret the decisions I made...no
Did I still "live"...yes
Was it a "life"...no

It is hard sometimes to put things into neatly categorized files,life is just too complicated for that.

This teared me up...
You have a BIG heart, and wonderful things are coming your way. Work in the world, it pays off.

Keep being you!

pa_jorg

I can't imagine what I have that would make me 'less' desirable?

Anna, I agree! Perhaps my wording wasn't very eloquent, but you understood what I meant.

@Carl - Sounds like much of what you've done is very selfless. I'm sure the future is very bright for you!

Laura_Suzie

I'm planning on having everything in my house pink and tiffany blue with polka dot accents. I also want a framed picture of Marilyn Monroe in at least one room and a room to keep all my collectable Barbies in. I will I also need a room to convert into a walk-in closet for myself but that goes without saying.

I could see a few guys possibly being put off by that...

julesboots

For me this topic presents an endless series of conundrums.

What makes me me is doing what every one says not to do...I did put my life on hold for what does boil down to waiting for 2 people that could not take care of themselves to die.
Even now after they are both gone am still doing that as I navigate my way through a painfully slow legal system to get an estate settled.

Do I wish it was different...yes
Do I resent it at times...yes
Do I regret the decisions I made...no
Did I still "live"...yes
Was it a "life"...no

It is hard sometimes to put things into neatly categorized files,life is just too complicated for that.

I’m sure you realize that the patience and love required to have lived the way you have is extraordinary, and is what will potentially attract and keep a partner : )

(Not that partnership is always what everything is about, but still...)

Edit: My ex husband and I put our lives on hold (when we were going to leave the US) so I could basically take care of his grandmother and mentally ill uncle. My life might have been totally different, but I know that I can do life's really hard work, and I don't regret it, either..

Nettabee

However, I've been thinking about this idea and cannot imagine holding back on life while waiting for a partner. For example, having a dog and owning a home are two things that help make me ME!

While I agree that one shouldn't put their life on hold for anyone, I say to each their own.

Personally, I will get a dog, travel the world, start a business, etc....on my own if I felt the desire or need to do so. But with the job that I have, and the current economy, buying a house or even raising a child/children on my own is out of the question. I don't think that makes me any less desireable. I think that makes me smart as crap not to put any financial burdens on myself.

These two in particular are also things I would like to share with a future husband. The experience or buying our first home together and having our first child together. Of course life doesn't always work out how we plan, and if I'm still single 10 years from now I might re-evaluate my life and how I feel about these things but for now, it's my personal preference to wait.

christine24t

I'm planning on having everything in my house pink and tiffany blue with polka dot accents. I also want a framed picture of Marilyn Monroe in at least one room and a room to keep all my collectable Barbies in. I will I also need a room to convert into a walk-in closet for myself but that goes without saying.

I could see a few guys possibly being put off by that...

As long as he gets a man cave, he should be good...right? haha

NCTravellingGirl

Admittedly in my mid-20s, I don't think my thought processes were far from DMs. I really wanted to experience all those things WITH someone. After losing a large amount of weight just past 25, I really thought it was going to be MY turn. It took little time to realize that wasn't the case :frown:

So, at 27, it was GAME ON. All within one year... bought a house, got my dog, bought a nice car, and went on my first cruise in the Mediterranean. I wasn't waiting on ANYONE. I think I went pretty far the other direction, hell bent to prove I needed NO ONE, haha... Now I'm somewhere in the middle. There are still things I'd like to share with someone, but when the chance is there, I'm taking it!

That's what makes me, ME. I'm truly learning as I go and good with that. I take a step forward, one sideways, backwards, etc... but never stop! I've run the extreme of feeling the need to be one of the boys to needing to be girlie, and I am now comfortable being both! Now if only someone would value that in me, haha....

christine24t

Admittedly in my mid-20s, I don't think my thought processes were far from DMs. I really wanted to experience all those things WITH someone.

I would love to as well. I would prefer to do those things with someone. But I'm not going to wait around because of it. Good for you for doing those things on your own NC!

castadiva

So, I'm wondering, what are the things you do or have that make you YOU that might make you less desirable

I'm rather starting to think my career fits under this definition - it's too 'out there', will eventually involve a lot of travelling, and the reality is a long way from what it is perceived by the uninitiated to be. I've been wondering lately if I should say I'm a receptionist - the boring day job that currently pays the bills between gigs - rather than an Opera singer, when I meet people (men in particular). Unfortunately, it wouldn't take long for them to realise that my real career lies elsewhere, so I'm not at all sure it's a sustainable half-truth. If nothing else, though, it would mean that the conversation didn't become a "me"-fest, which I hate, and always try to divert back around to them, usually with little success, as people seem to be fascinated by opera, and they usually don't seem to have much to say, it seems, about themselves and their legal/banking/army careers!

lacroyx

I'm planning on having everything in my house pink and tiffany blue with polka dot accents. I also want a framed picture of Marilyn Monroe in at least one room and a room to keep all my collectable Barbies in. I will I also need a room to convert into a walk-in closet for myself but that goes without saying.

I could see a few guys possibly being put off by that...

It wouldn't bug me one bit. As long as she would be ok with my super hero figurines, comic book/geeky artwork, oh and Star Wars lightsabers.

lacroyx

I'm planning on having everything in my house pink and tiffany blue with polka dot accents. I also want a framed picture of Marilyn Monroe in at least one room and a room to keep all my collectable Barbies in. I will I also need a room to convert into a walk-in closet for myself but that goes without saying.

I could see a few guys possibly being put off by that...

As long as he gets a man cave, he should be good...right? haha

Yes! Mine would be called the Bat cave though.

Jennifer2387

It wouldn't bug me one bit. As long as she would be ok with my super hero figurines, comic book/geeky artwork, oh and Star Wars lightsabers.

We could have light-saber wars!!! I totally have a green one!!!

I too agreed with DM's thought process when I was younger. However .. I was forced to provide a house and a life for my son all on my own. And that I did. I am so proud of the fact that I was able to buy my very own house and furnish it. I have the sweetest kitty and a kick *kitten* Jeep. And I didn't need a man to do any of that. My ex-husband defined who I was when we were married. That will never ever never happen again.

I think I am still trying to find what makes me .. me. I think my whole life I have been something to someone .. but never to myself. I think all of it is a part of me now .. but I don't think there is any real definition of who I am. I tend to focus on the one area that I don't have it all together .. my weight. I honestly think sometimes that is why I won't fully commit to a program .. because what am I if not over weight. What else will I have to focus on. It is the fear of the unknown.

Blah blah blah. It is way too early for this shizzle .. lol.

Meghan0116

This is the conundrum I am dealing with right now. I am trying to figure out who I am. For too long I have let my roles define me, whether it be as a girl friend or as a mom. I lost Meghan somewhere in this. I am working on finding myself, I am just not sure how.

La_Amazona

I'm presently redecorating my room. It's going to be shabby chic. Since my divorce, everything I have done has been for me with me being in mind all the way.

TheKitsune6

So, I'm wondering, what are the things you do or have that make you YOU that might make you less desirable

I'm rather starting to think my career fits under this definition - it's too 'out there', will eventually involve a lot of travelling, and the reality is a long way from what it is perceived by the uninitiated to be. I've been wondering lately if I should say I'm a receptionist - the boring day job that currently pays the bills between gigs - rather than an Opera singer, when I meet people (men in particular). Unfortunately, it wouldn't take long for them to realise that my real career lies elsewhere, so I'm not at all sure it's a sustainable half-truth. If nothing else, though, it would mean that the conversation didn't become a "me"-fest, which I hate, and always try to divert back around to them, usually with little success, as people seem to be fascinated by opera, and they usually don't seem to have much to say, it seems, about themselves and their legal/banking/army careers!

I do the opposite. I am working as a receptionist (More like an underpaid personal assistant/accounting/purchasing admin) but I am quick to say "BUT it's only until I finish school and then I'm going to be training tigers."

If they can't keep up with the awesome that is me then I don't want 'em.

MaraDiaz

If there was a bookshelf with every book I've ever read on it and the number of times I read each one on the cover, I think that would tell someone who I am better than anything else ever could.

TheKitsune6

My house would be more like Lacroyx's bat cave. With more lime green.

It would also have extra stuff for the cats to play with/climb on.

Pink and fluffy makes me all kinds of weirded out.

*kitten*, I have no interest in interior design. I am perfectly content to leave that to other people. I just don't have the interest or the organizational skills to make something worthwhile. While it's awesome that some people use it to express themselves the only room that I am determined to have is one of those old school libraries. Floor to ceiling dark wood bookshelves complete with the awesome rolling ladders I fell in love with while watching Beauty and the Beast when I was a kid, with comfortable chairs and a desk. No electronics other than soft lighting and reading lamps. journals and papers to write if the mood takes me.

Also a game room would be b*tchin'

castadiva

So, I'm wondering, what are the things you do or have that make you YOU that might make you less desirable

I'm rather starting to think my career fits under this definition - it's too 'out there', will eventually involve a lot of travelling, and the reality is a long way from what it is perceived by the uninitiated to be. I've been wondering lately if I should say I'm a receptionist - the boring day job that currently pays the bills between gigs - rather than an Opera singer, when I meet people (men in particular). Unfortunately, it wouldn't take long for them to realise that my real career lies elsewhere, so I'm not at all sure it's a sustainable half-truth. If nothing else, though, it would mean that the conversation didn't become a "me"-fest, which I hate, and always try to divert back around to them, usually with little success, as people seem to be fascinated by opera, and they usually don't seem to have much to say, it seems, about themselves and their legal/banking/army careers!

I do the opposite. I am working as a receptionist (More like an underpaid personal assistant/accounting/purchasing admin) but I am quick to say "BUT it's only until I finish school and then I'm going to be training tigers."

If they can't keep up with the awesome that is me then I don't want 'em.

You're so right, but I'm getting a bit fed up with waiting for someone fabulous (who wants an equally fabulous girlfriend/wife - this seems to be the hard bit) to come along! Just wondering if I couldn't have some fun with someone who would find me less 'intimidating' (there's that evil word again) in the short term if I didn't own up to some of my more awesome qualities/differences at first...:frown:

Training tigers - ultracool. Are they "man-eaters" ? (Sorry, couldn't resist!:laugh: )

Tropical_Turtle

For me this topic presents an endless series of conundrums.

What makes me me is doing what every one says not to do...I did put my life on hold for what does boil down to waiting for 2 people that could not take care of themselves to die.
Even now after they are both gone am still doing that as I navigate my way through a painfully slow legal system to get an estate settled.

Do I wish it was different...yes
Do I resent it at times...yes
Do I regret the decisions I made...no
Did I still "live"...yes
Was it a "life"...no

It is hard sometimes to put things into neatly categorized files,life is just too complicated for that.

Love this Carl - you are such a sweetheart :smooched:

I have bought my own home, paid my own way, and have the life I have chosen thus far. Would I like to add someone to it, yes. But I would not expect any man to conform to my life. Would I like someone to enhance it? Most definitely. I have made me who I am by being me and doing things for me. That is what makes me, me!

And Carl is right, really cant compartmentalize life, although we really try to sometimes.

SouthernSweetie74

For me this topic presents an endless series of conundrums.

What makes me me is doing what every one says not to do...I did put my life on hold for what does boil down to waiting for 2 people that could not take care of themselves to die.
Even now after they are both gone am still doing that as I navigate my way through a painfully slow legal system to get an estate settled.

Do I wish it was different...yes
Do I resent it at times...yes
Do I regret the decisions I made...no
Did I still "live"...yes
Was it a "life"...no

It is hard sometimes to put things into neatly categorized files,life is just too complicated for that.

Carl, I love you for your big and your generous spirit. You're a better 'man' than I'll ever be! :smooched:

I said this to another friend of generous spirit on here yesterday. And I'll say it to you because I truly believe it - for you, my friend, the best is yet to come!! :flowerforyou:

I'm in complete agreement with Anna. Carl, you are definitely one of a kind, and you deserve the best!

SouthernSweetie74

I've already been there and done that, so not sure this applies to me... but I'm definitely not putting my life on hold until I meet someone. I may never meet anyone. I'm going to do what I'm going to do because I want to do it, because it is my desire.

I used to be of that mindset: Oh, when I find a man, we will... blah blah blah...

Then, one day, I woke up and decided to start living.

My life.

What makes me ME? My kids don't define me, but they are a part of me, and I absolutely LOVE being a mom. I LOVE spending time with my kids. I LOVE traveling with them and playing with them and singing karaoke on the Wii with them and joking around with them. I LOVE doing the traditional mom things like cooking and cleaning and decorating for the holidays and birthday party planning and Christmas shopping. Had a man when I had them. Now, he's gone... and I have to play the role of mom/dad as best as I can. I've even threatened to learn to hunt for my middle child, even though I really really really don't want to and hope and pray that a friend of mine will come through for me in that aspect. A friend of mine who is in poor health has asked me to be the guardian of her child if something happens to her. I've agreed to do so. This summer, a friend of mine needed a place for his kids to stay while he worked out of town for several weeks. I rearranged my home so that I could take in 3 kids. That's who I am. I'm a mother. I'm a caregiver. I am a teacher. I love my job/my career. Does my career define me? No, but if you look up "best 8th grade English teacher in Arkansas" you might just see my picture there. LOL

I have a dog.

I have a home. I love my home. I love to decorate it.

I like to travel.

I'm not waiting on a man to do anything... but if one comes along and wants to join me, then, perhaps, we'll combine and compromise and enjoy life together.