What makes you YOU?
Replies
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So, I'm wondering, what are the things you do or have that make you YOU that might make you less desirable
I'm rather starting to think my career fits under this definition - it's too 'out there', will eventually involve a lot of travelling, and the reality is a long way from what it is perceived by the uninitiated to be. I've been wondering lately if I should say I'm a receptionist - the boring day job that currently pays the bills between gigs - rather than an Opera singer, when I meet people (men in particular). Unfortunately, it wouldn't take long for them to realise that my real career lies elsewhere, so I'm not at all sure it's a sustainable half-truth. If nothing else, though, it would mean that the conversation didn't become a "me"-fest, which I hate, and always try to divert back around to them, usually with little success, as people seem to be fascinated by opera, and they usually don't seem to have much to say, it seems, about themselves and their legal/banking/army careers!
I do the opposite. I am working as a receptionist (More like an underpaid personal assistant/accounting/purchasing admin) but I am quick to say "BUT it's only until I finish school and then I'm going to be training tigers."
If they can't keep up with the awesome that is me then I don't want 'em.
You're so right, but I'm getting a bit fed up with waiting for someone fabulous (who wants an equally fabulous girlfriend/wife - this seems to be the hard bit) to come along! Just wondering if I couldn't have some fun with someone who would find me less 'intimidating' (there's that evil word again) in the short term if I didn't own up to some of my more awesome qualities/differences at first...:frown:
Training tigers - ultracool. Are they "man-eaters"
? (Sorry, couldn't resist!:laugh: )
Don't get fed up! Isn't it better to have a fabulous life shared with friends and family than settle for someone boring? You won't have fun being a receptionist just so you can be less intimidating and you know that. It will just leave you unfulfilled and, yes, lonely.
Haha, most of my work with large carns will be done through protected contact, but I did accept a long time ago that I might die by tiger... and there are worse ways to go, lemme tell you! Fun story for the afterlife right?
"Oh, you died peacefully in your bed at 80? That's neat... A tiger bit the back of my neck and ate my face." AWESOME!0 -
I'm planning on having everything in my house pink and tiffany blue with polka dot accents. I also want a framed picture of Marilyn Monroe in at least one room and a room to keep all my collectable Barbies in. I will I also need a room to convert into a walk-in closet for myself but that goes without saying.
I could see a few guys possibly being put off by that...
It wouldn't bug me one bit. As long as she would be ok with my super hero figurines, comic book/geeky artwork, oh and Star Wars lightsabers.
^^^^ Sounds like my room as a teen. I would totally have a room full of nothing but geeky collectables. Most of my stuff is in my room now and I need way more loot. but the only pink in my house is in my daughters room0 -
What makes me me is not possesions. I have 2 darling kids who I seem to be raising to be productive friendly adults ( I hope) ...
But if someone wanted an insight into me they would need to look into my room. I own over 1000 books and an eletronic reader. I have star wars collectable and weapons strewn through the room and all my art work is very sci-fi /fantesy looking. Basically I'm a geek. lol . Im also very independent and blunt. So far havent had issues with a guy handling it.0 -
Fun story for the afterlife right? "Oh, you died peacefully in your bed at 80? That's neat... A tiger bit the back of my neck and ate my face." AWESOME!
This might be the winning quote of the day!
:laugh: 0 -
For me this topic presents an endless series of conundrums.
What makes me me is doing what every one says not to do...I did put my life on hold for what does boil down to waiting for 2 people that could not take care of themselves to die.
Even now after they are both gone am still doing that as I navigate my way through a painfully slow legal system to get an estate settled.
Do I wish it was different...yes
Do I resent it at times...yes
Do I regret the decisions I made...no
Did I still "live"...yes
Was it a "life"...no
It is hard sometimes to put things into neatly categorized files,life is just too complicated for that.
No regrets on the decision to watch over your parents, Carl?
If you could do it all over again, would you do the same thing?
I joke with my parents and tell them I'm putting them in a nursing home once they hit 70 (and not one of those nice ones.. they're getting put in the kind you see on those 20/20 undercover investigation) 0 -
For me this topic presents an endless series of conundrums.
What makes me me is doing what every one says not to do...I did put my life on hold for what does boil down to waiting for 2 people that could not take care of themselves to die.
Even now after they are both gone am still doing that as I navigate my way through a painfully slow legal system to get an estate settled.
Do I wish it was different...yes
Do I resent it at times...yes
Do I regret the decisions I made...no
Did I still "live"...yes
Was it a "life"...no
It is hard sometimes to put things into neatly categorized files,life is just too complicated for that.
No regrets on the decision to watch over your parents, Carl?
If you could do it all over again, would you do the same thing?
I joke with my parents and tell them I'm putting them in a nursing home once they hit 70 (and not one of those nice ones.. they're getting put in the kind you see on those 20/20 undercover investigation)
I'm an only child. I've been telling my parents for years that the first major sign of senility they are going to into a home in Alaska. And I can't afford nice places, so they are screwed. Their decision to only have one child that's selfish...LOL0 -
Fun story for the afterlife right? "Oh, you died peacefully in your bed at 80? That's neat... A tiger bit the back of my neck and ate my face." AWESOME!
This might be the winning quote of the day! :laugh:
Best quote, worst thought!! Kinda ewwwwed me out there Kits!! :laugh:0 -
For me this topic presents an endless series of conundrums.
What makes me me is doing what every one says not to do...I did put my life on hold for what does boil down to waiting for 2 people that could not take care of themselves to die.
Even now after they are both gone am still doing that as I navigate my way through a painfully slow legal system to get an estate settled.
Do I wish it was different...yes
Do I resent it at times...yes
Do I regret the decisions I made...no
Did I still "live"...yes
Was it a "life"...no
It is hard sometimes to put things into neatly categorized files,life is just too complicated for that.
No regrets on the decision to watch over your parents, Carl?
If you could do it all over again, would you do the same thing?
I joke with my parents and tell them I'm putting them in a nursing home once they hit 70 (and not one of those nice ones.. they're getting put in the kind you see on those 20/20 undercover investigation)
None whatsoever,there are things that happen in life that are just the right thing to do for each of us regardless the ramifications.
It does not mean it is a universally correct thing to do but for me and what I believe it was.
Doing it over is an impossible to answer hypothetical.
Having lived the last 30 years,of course there are places one would recognize choosing a different fork in a road at times given knowledge of the eventual outcome as it happened would perhaps have been better.
Having to live it over as it developed without that knowledge of outcome then yes,likely would.0 -
Fun story for the afterlife right? "Oh, you died peacefully in your bed at 80? That's neat... A tiger bit the back of my neck and ate my face." AWESOME!
This might be the winning quote of the day! :laugh:
Best quote, worst thought!! Kinda ewwwwed me out there Kits!! :laugh:
Haha, I suppose it was a bit realistic there. I am guilty of that a lot. I'm the person at the dinner table eating seafood saying "Did you know that shrimp are very closely related to rolly pollies?"
More shrimp for me! Hahahaaa0 -
So, I'm wondering, what are the things you do or have that make you YOU that might make you less desirable because it wasn't a shared couple decision?
EXCELLENT QUESTION!
...aw crap. the fact that I have no answer makes me feel kinda pathetic.
I dont own a home, I have no pets, no car, i plan on staying where I live... the only thing I could possibly think of that could maybe be a problem is that Im working on a project with my career that could end up with me travelling to the UK alot but I dont think that would make me undesireable so much as inconvenient.
I wish I had a better answer for this.
OH WAIT! I KNOW! I shoot metal concerts and have a large network rooted in a tight circle of friends. Male friends. BEAUTIFUL talented sexy semi-famous male friends. I sleep over their houses and vice versa, we are very tight knit and while thats not a couples decision, it is a decision of mine that if a man comes into my life and tries to put his foot down about how I spend my time in the scene, in a controlling and not my woman kindf of manner, I will not allow him to get any further into my life.
My place in that world is a big part of what makes me me.0 -
I posted this quote before and I'll do it again.
“I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.”
Little bit of Ayn Rand to start the day 0 -
So, I'm wondering, what are the things you do or have that make you YOU that might make you less desirable because it wasn't a shared couple decision?
I choose to think of these things not as the things that make me *less* desirable to some men, but rather *more* desirable to the RIGHT man.0 -
So, I'm wondering, what are the things you do or have that make you YOU that might make you less desirable because it wasn't a shared couple decision?
I choose to think of these things not as the things that make me *less* desirable to some men, but rather *more* desirable to the RIGHT man.
Totally agree.So, I'm wondering, what are the things you do or have that make you YOU that might make you less desirable
I'm rather starting to think my career fits under this definition - it's too 'out there', will eventually involve a lot of travelling, and the reality is a long way from what it is perceived by the uninitiated to be. I've been wondering lately if I should say I'm a receptionist - the boring day job that currently pays the bills between gigs - rather than an Opera singer, when I meet people (men in particular). Unfortunately, it wouldn't take long for them to realise that my real career lies elsewhere, so I'm not at all sure it's a sustainable half-truth. If nothing else, though, it would mean that the conversation didn't become a "me"-fest, which I hate, and always try to divert back around to them, usually with little success, as people seem to be fascinated by opera, and they usually don't seem to have much to say, it seems, about themselves and their legal/banking/army careers!
I do the opposite. I am working as a receptionist (More like an underpaid personal assistant/accounting/purchasing admin) but I am quick to say "BUT it's only until I finish school and then I'm going to be training tigers."
If they can't keep up with the awesome that is me then I don't want 'em.
You're so right, but I'm getting a bit fed up with waiting for someone fabulous (who wants an equally fabulous girlfriend/wife - this seems to be the hard bit) to come along! Just wondering if I couldn't have some fun with someone who would find me less 'intimidating' (there's that evil word again) in the short term if I didn't own up to some of my more awesome qualities/differences at first...:frown:
Training tigers - ultracool. Are they "man-eaters" ? (Sorry, couldn't resist!:laugh: )
Kirstin, it bothers me that you are thinking of settling so indulge me if I explain why I think it's a bad idea :flowerforyou: For example my kids define part of me, as does my work. I'm not saying everyone has to appreciate them, I have some friends quite apart from my family that are into different things and our frienships/relationships are based on something else. I value them for what they are but I know they won't last as they don't have the capacity to develop because they can only ever understand one aspect of me.
To some guys my kids may be baggage, my work intimidating. Walk on by :happy: There are so many people in the world who don't have families of their own, who absolutely love to have contact with young people. People who love me, love my kids. They find them fascinating in the way I do, because they are part of me and interesting young people in their own right. They see being involved in a young person's life as a blessing, valuing their joy of life, innocence and trust as a gift and not a burden. It's the same with my work - people are interested and get it or they don't and if they don't then they won't value me. I am as open to the loves of others (be they people or passions).
Some people can have relationships in which they aren't valued and can still feel good about themselves. I'm not one of them and unless I'm mistaken, you're not either. Never hide who you are or what makes you who you are. Being an opera singer is so important to who you are. It's wonderful, to have such talent and passion, I loved meeting you and hearing about it. I know it's tempting to hide bits of yourself to fit in, but the older you get the more you'll realise the cost is too high. You don't have to look for Mr Fabulous, you just need Mr. Makes me Feel Fabulous :flowerforyou:0 -
I posted this quote before and I'll do it again.
“I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.”
Little bit of Ayn Rand to start the dayI choose to think of these things not as the things that make me *less* desirable to some men, but rather *more* desirable to the RIGHT man.
F*ckin' marry me!
0 -
So, I'm wondering, what are the things you do or have that make you YOU that might make you less desirable because it wasn't a shared couple decision?
I choose to think of these things not as the things that make me *less* desirable to some men, but rather *more* desirable to the RIGHT man.
Totally agree.So, I'm wondering, what are the things you do or have that make you YOU that might make you less desirable
I'm rather starting to think my career fits under this definition - it's too 'out there', will eventually involve a lot of travelling, and the reality is a long way from what it is perceived by the uninitiated to be. I've been wondering lately if I should say I'm a receptionist - the boring day job that currently pays the bills between gigs - rather than an Opera singer, when I meet people (men in particular). Unfortunately, it wouldn't take long for them to realise that my real career lies elsewhere, so I'm not at all sure it's a sustainable half-truth. If nothing else, though, it would mean that the conversation didn't become a "me"-fest, which I hate, and always try to divert back around to them, usually with little success, as people seem to be fascinated by opera, and they usually don't seem to have much to say, it seems, about themselves and their legal/banking/army careers!
I do the opposite. I am working as a receptionist (More like an underpaid personal assistant/accounting/purchasing admin) but I am quick to say "BUT it's only until I finish school and then I'm going to be training tigers."
If they can't keep up with the awesome that is me then I don't want 'em.
You're so right, but I'm getting a bit fed up with waiting for someone fabulous (who wants an equally fabulous girlfriend/wife - this seems to be the hard bit) to come along! Just wondering if I couldn't have some fun with someone who would find me less 'intimidating' (there's that evil word again) in the short term if I didn't own up to some of my more awesome qualities/differences at first...:frown:
Training tigers - ultracool. Are they "man-eaters" ? (Sorry, couldn't resist!:laugh: )
Kirstin, it bothers me that you are thinking of settling so indulge me if I explain why I think it's a bad idea :flowerforyou: For example my kids define part of me, as does my work. I'm not saying everyone has to appreciate them, I have some friends quite apart from my family that are into different things and our frienships/relationships are based on something else. I value them for what they are but I know they won't last as they don't have the capacity to develop because they can only ever understand one aspect of me.
To some guys my kids may be baggage, my work intimidating. Walk on by :happy: There are so many people in the world who don't have families of their own, who absolutely love to have contact with young people. People who love me, love my kids. They find them fascinating in the way I do, because they are part of me and interesting young people in their own right. They see being involved in a young person's life as a blessing, valuing their joy of life, innocence and trust as a gift and not a burden. It's the same with my work - people are interested and get it or they don't and if they don't then they won't value me. I am as open to the loves of others (be they people or passions).
Some people can have relationships in which they aren't valued and can still feel good about themselves. I'm not one of them and unless I'm mistaken, you're not either. Never hide who you are or what makes you who you are. Being an opera singer is so important to who you are. It's wonderful, to have such talent and passion, I loved meeting you and hearing about it. I know it's tempting to hide bits of yourself to fit in, but the older you get the more you'll realise the cost is too high. You don't have to look for Mr Fabulous, you just need Mr. Makes me Feel Fabulous :flowerforyou:
Oh Angie, I know you're right, but I really, really could use the boost of a few fun evenings out with someone - not necessarily Mr Right, Mr Fabulous OR Mr Makes me feel Fabulous - but just someone who would maybe make me feel desirable, feminine, vaguely-normal, and give me a bit of hope that any of those other wonderful chaps might eventually come along, or exist at all. Call it a dose of hope, rather than settling - I'm under no illusion that someone who can cope with me only under the guise of receptionist, rather than as myself, is a viable long-term prospect. I just want to feel wanted, at some level, just for a little bit. Seems it might be easier to achieve that by bending the truth just enough to seem like someone they think they might want, as the truth seems to be unpalatable to every male I've met in the last 30 years...
I'm really tired of waiting for those other chaps to turn up, and being walked-by - forget me doing the walking. I've lost 3 stone, albeit I'm never going to be petite, or even slim, being built on fairly sturdy, curvy lines, but I am visually within what I'd think of as a fairly standard 'acceptable' range, and it's made not one blind bit of difference - it didn't before, either. I've taught myself to flirt and seem 'approachable' - nada. I've widened my social circle, I have more social life than I've ever had before, and nothing. I don't know what else to do. As much as I loathe the idea of being dishonest about who I am, I'm running out of ideas. If I had any sort of romantic history, I'd be able to pass it off as a bad patch, or a lull - even a long one. With no (reciprocated) history, I just feel ghastly and somewhat hopeless. I talked about women being programmed to seek 'approval' in another thread. Even knowing that's what I'm doing, I'd just like my approval rating to get above zero some time this century.0 -
For me this topic presents an endless series of conundrums.
What makes me me is doing what every one says not to do...I did put my life on hold for what does boil down to waiting for 2 people that could not take care of themselves to die.
Even now after they are both gone am still doing that as I navigate my way through a painfully slow legal system to get an estate settled.
Do I wish it was different...yes
Do I resent it at times...yes
Do I regret the decisions I made...no
Did I still "live"...yes
Was it a "life"...no
It is hard sometimes to put things into neatly categorized files,life is just too complicated for that.
No regrets on the decision to watch over your parents, Carl?
If you could do it all over again, would you do the same thing?
I joke with my parents and tell them I'm putting them in a nursing home once they hit 70 (and not one of those nice ones.. they're getting put in the kind you see on those 20/20 undercover investigation)
I'm an only child. I've been telling my parents for years that the first major sign of senility they are going to into a home in Alaska. And I can't afford nice places, so they are screwed. Their decision to only have one child that's selfish...LOL
My sister and I tell our parents they are going to a retirement home in Montana.0 -
So, I'm wondering, what are the things you do or have that make you YOU that might make you less desirable because it wasn't a shared couple decision?
I choose to think of these things not as the things that make me *less* desirable to some men, but rather *more* desirable to the RIGHT man.
Totally agree.So, I'm wondering, what are the things you do or have that make you YOU that might make you less desirable
I'm rather starting to think my career fits under this definition - it's too 'out there', will eventually involve a lot of travelling, and the reality is a long way from what it is perceived by the uninitiated to be. I've been wondering lately if I should say I'm a receptionist - the boring day job that currently pays the bills between gigs - rather than an Opera singer, when I meet people (men in particular). Unfortunately, it wouldn't take long for them to realise that my real career lies elsewhere, so I'm not at all sure it's a sustainable half-truth. If nothing else, though, it would mean that the conversation didn't become a "me"-fest, which I hate, and always try to divert back around to them, usually with little success, as people seem to be fascinated by opera, and they usually don't seem to have much to say, it seems, about themselves and their legal/banking/army careers!
I do the opposite. I am working as a receptionist (More like an underpaid personal assistant/accounting/purchasing admin) but I am quick to say "BUT it's only until I finish school and then I'm going to be training tigers."
If they can't keep up with the awesome that is me then I don't want 'em.
You're so right, but I'm getting a bit fed up with waiting for someone fabulous (who wants an equally fabulous girlfriend/wife - this seems to be the hard bit) to come along! Just wondering if I couldn't have some fun with someone who would find me less 'intimidating' (there's that evil word again) in the short term if I didn't own up to some of my more awesome qualities/differences at first...:frown:
Training tigers - ultracool. Are they "man-eaters" ? (Sorry, couldn't resist!:laugh: )
Kirstin, it bothers me that you are thinking of settling so indulge me if I explain why I think it's a bad idea :flowerforyou: For example my kids define part of me, as does my work. I'm not saying everyone has to appreciate them, I have some friends quite apart from my family that are into different things and our frienships/relationships are based on something else. I value them for what they are but I know they won't last as they don't have the capacity to develop because they can only ever understand one aspect of me.
To some guys my kids may be baggage, my work intimidating. Walk on by :happy: There are so many people in the world who don't have families of their own, who absolutely love to have contact with young people. People who love me, love my kids. They find them fascinating in the way I do, because they are part of me and interesting young people in their own right. They see being involved in a young person's life as a blessing, valuing their joy of life, innocence and trust as a gift and not a burden. It's the same with my work - people are interested and get it or they don't and if they don't then they won't value me. I am as open to the loves of others (be they people or passions).
Some people can have relationships in which they aren't valued and can still feel good about themselves. I'm not one of them and unless I'm mistaken, you're not either. Never hide who you are or what makes you who you are. Being an opera singer is so important to who you are. It's wonderful, to have such talent and passion, I loved meeting you and hearing about it. I know it's tempting to hide bits of yourself to fit in, but the older you get the more you'll realise the cost is too high. You don't have to look for Mr Fabulous, you just need Mr. Makes me Feel Fabulous :flowerforyou:
Oh Angie, I know you're right, but I really, really could use the boost of a few fun evenings out with someone - not necessarily Mr Right, Mr Fabulous OR Mr Makes me feel Fabulous - but just someone who would maybe make me feel desirable, feminine, vaguely-normal, and give me a bit of hope that any of those other wonderful chaps might eventually come along, or exist at all. Call it a dose of hope, rather than settling - I'm under no illusion that someone who can cope with me only under the guise of receptionist, rather than as myself, is a viable long-term prospect. I just want to feel wanted, at some level, just for a little bit. Seems it might be easier to achieve that by bending the truth just enough to seem like someone they think they might want, as the truth seems to be unpalatable to every male I've met in the last 30 years...
I'm really tired of waiting for those other chaps to turn up, and being walked-by - forget me doing the walking. I've lost 3 stone, albeit I'm never going to be petite, or even slim, being built on fairly sturdy, curvy lines, but I am visually within what I'd think of as a fairly standard 'acceptable' range, and it's made not one blind bit of difference - it didn't before, either. I've taught myself to flirt and seem 'approachable' - nada. I've widened my social circle, I have more social life than I've ever had before, and nothing. I don't know what else to do. As much as I loathe the idea of being dishonest about who I am, I'm running out of ideas. If I had any sort of romantic history, I'd be able to pass it off as a bad patch, or a lull - even a long one. With no (reciprocated) history, I just feel ghastly and somewhat hopeless. I talked about women being programmed to seek 'approval' in another thread. Even knowing that's what I'm doing, I'd just like my approval rating to get above zero some time this century.
Castadiva, I know I say this in almost every thread but I feel like this is me. I tried losing weight...didn't work. It was part of my motivation to lose weight and when nothing happened, it's like "why did I bother?" I agree, I just wish I could get a glimmer of hope so my confidence would boost.0 -
Castadiva, I know I say this in almost every thread but I feel like this is me. I tried losing weight...didn't work. It was part of my motivation to lose weight and when nothing happened, it's like "why did I bother?" I agree, I just wish I could get a glimmer of hope so my confidence would boost.
I understand this completely. But I'll ask the obvious question... what are you doing about that? I know I started a thread about if what you're doing now is working... and it was for exactly this situation! You can't just wait for things to change! What can you do differently?0 -
Castadiva, I know I say this in almost every thread but I feel like this is me. I tried losing weight...didn't work. It was part of my motivation to lose weight and when nothing happened, it's like "why did I bother?" I agree, I just wish I could get a glimmer of hope so my confidence would boost.
I understand this completely. But I'll ask the obvious question... what are you doing about that? I know I started a thread about if what you're doing now is working... and it was for exactly this situation! You can't just wait for things to change! What can you do differently?
The thing is for me, I tried a lot of different things. Losing weight, getting contacts, some new clothes, going out instead of staying in, drinking a little to be more social, dancing instead of lurking at the bar, online dating (got only a couple of winks) and going out on a blind date. Nothing worked. I got a tad bit more male attention but that's it, and the male attention never became anything (except for an old friend who now liked me since I lost weight). So it's fustrating when you feel you've tried everything but it didn't work. That's why I spend most nights in now...what's the point really? Nothing was working then so I gave up. And it's clearly not working now lol.
I don't mean to sound depressing. Believe me I don't wallow about this all the time. But when that question was posed it did make me realize that nothing changed even when I changed myself.0 -
Castadiva, I know I say this in almost every thread but I feel like this is me. I tried losing weight...didn't work. It was part of my motivation to lose weight and when nothing happened, it's like "why did I bother?" I agree, I just wish I could get a glimmer of hope so my confidence would boost.
I understand this completely. But I'll ask the obvious question... what are you doing about that? I know I started a thread about if what you're doing now is working... and it was for exactly this situation! You can't just wait for things to change! What can you do differently?
The thing is for me, I tried a lot of different things. Losing weight, getting contacts, some new clothes, going out instead of staying in, drinking a little to be more social, dancing instead of lurking at the bar, online dating (got only a couple of winks) and going out on a blind date. Nothing worked. I got a tad bit more male attention but that's it, and the male attention never became anything (except for an old friend who now liked me since I lost weight). So it's fustrating when you feel you've tried everything but it didn't work. That's why I spend most nights in now...what's the point really? Nothing was working then so I gave up. And it's clearly not working now lol.
I don't mean to sound depressing. Believe me I don't wallow about this all the time. But when that question was posed it did make me realize that nothing changed even when I changed myself.
I sympathise. When you've tried to change everything you can, followed the advice, and it's made not a single bit of difference, it becomes discouraging. I'm still going out, trying to meet new people, and trying to keep the faith, but it becomes very difficult to keep slogging on after a while if there is no positive reinforcement to reward the effort. I feel I've run out of things I legitimately can change. I still have a way to go to get to my ultimate goal size, and I'll keep working on that, but I'm SO much better at the social thing than I used to be, and I'm getting compliments all over from people who haven't seen me for a while about how I look right now, that I find it hard to believe that another 25 pounds/dress-size and a half, I predict, on a tall, very solid frame, is really going to make that much of a difference in this regard.
I read an article at the weekend in the UK version of Marie Claire, while waiting for my hairdresser. It was entitled "Why I miss being fat". The line that really stuck with me was "I am still the same me, with the same problems and issues, I'm just slim". Because we are told so often that being fat is unattractive, I think it's very easy to blame our size for the problems in our life. Undoubtedly, there are some men who wouldn't look at an overweight woman and think positively or romantically/sexually about her, but I suspect men notice these things far less, on average, than we do ourselves - we've all seen the very large girl with the 'normal'-sized, decent-looking man, and wondered why she can have that, but it doesn't seem possible for us.
For myself, it seems at this point that I may have to do something I always swore I would never do, if I want to experience a relationship and/or physical intimacy - lie. Short of giving myself a lobotomy, I can't change my intelligence or competence, and since these things seem to 'intimidate' men so much (despite deliberately looking in the sort of circles where intellect and competence in a woman should not be surprising, and perhaps therefore less difficult to accept or maybe even desire), maybe what I have to do is play a role. I'm an actress, it should be possible, though it shouldn't be necessary. I am going to try the online dating thing again. I'm tempted to put up two different profiles - one as me - who I am, honestly - and the other as a watered-down version. I know the latter is likely to get a lot more response, based on the numerous examples of others who have done exactly this before and written publicly about it, but just maybe I might find the odd chap who is looking for a partner and an equal, rather than someone to feel superior to.0 -
Castadiva, I know I say this in almost every thread but I feel like this is me. I tried losing weight...didn't work. It was part of my motivation to lose weight and when nothing happened, it's like "why did I bother?" I agree, I just wish I could get a glimmer of hope so my confidence would boost.
I understand this completely. But I'll ask the obvious question... what are you doing about that? I know I started a thread about if what you're doing now is working... and it was for exactly this situation! You can't just wait for things to change! What can you do differently?
The thing is for me, I tried a lot of different things. Losing weight, getting contacts, some new clothes, going out instead of staying in, drinking a little to be more social, dancing instead of lurking at the bar, online dating (got only a couple of winks) and going out on a blind date. Nothing worked. I got a tad bit more male attention but that's it, and the male attention never became anything (except for an old friend who now liked me since I lost weight). So it's fustrating when you feel you've tried everything but it didn't work. That's why I spend most nights in now...what's the point really? Nothing was working then so I gave up. And it's clearly not working now lol.
I don't mean to sound depressing. Believe me I don't wallow about this all the time. But when that question was posed it did make me realize that nothing changed even when I changed myself.
You have to remember though,you have had 23 years to work yourself into a situation where you were anxious about being with guys.
Not going to discuss all that again but honestly why expect all that to be undone in just a few months?0 -
Castadiva, I know I say this in almost every thread but I feel like this is me. I tried losing weight...didn't work. It was part of my motivation to lose weight and when nothing happened, it's like "why did I bother?" I agree, I just wish I could get a glimmer of hope so my confidence would boost.
I understand this completely. But I'll ask the obvious question... what are you doing about that? I know I started a thread about if what you're doing now is working... and it was for exactly this situation! You can't just wait for things to change! What can you do differently?
The thing is for me, I tried a lot of different things. Losing weight, getting contacts, some new clothes, going out instead of staying in, drinking a little to be more social, dancing instead of lurking at the bar, online dating (got only a couple of winks) and going out on a blind date. Nothing worked. I got a tad bit more male attention but that's it, and the male attention never became anything (except for an old friend who now liked me since I lost weight). So it's fustrating when you feel you've tried everything but it didn't work. That's why I spend most nights in now...what's the point really? Nothing was working then so I gave up. And it's clearly not working now lol.
I don't mean to sound depressing. Believe me I don't wallow about this all the time. But when that question was posed it did make me realize that nothing changed even when I changed myself.
You have to remember though,you have had 23 years to work yourself into a situation where you were anxious about being with guys.
Not going to discuss all that again but honestly why expect all that to be undone in just a few months?
Good point, I never thought of it like that.0 -
For myself, it seems at this point that I may have to do something I always swore I would never do, if I want to experience a relationship and/or physical intimacy - lie. Short of giving myself a lobotomy, I can't change my intelligence or competence, and since these things seem to 'intimidate' men so much (despite deliberately looking in the sort of circles where intellect and competence in a woman should not be surprising, and perhaps therefore less difficult to accept or maybe even desire), maybe what I have to do is play a role. I'm an actress, it should be possible, though it shouldn't be necessary. I am going to try the online dating thing again. I'm tempted to put up two different profiles - one as me - who I am, honestly - and the other as a watered-down version. I know the latter is likely to get a lot more response, based on the numerous examples of others who have done exactly this before and written publicly about it, but just maybe I might find the odd chap who is looking for a partner and an equal, rather than someone to feel superior to.
You know what? Flag that. No. I'm sticking to my guns. I've been a little way down that road before, and it didn't make me any happier. I actually have something to thank Mike for - responding to his post in the Machiavellian thread has actually helped me to clarify exactly what I think, and why I think it. I am me. I have no reason to be ashamed, or hide who I am. If anything, I'm going to be more 'me' than I've ever been before. If I stop apologising, even subconsciously, for who and what I am, perhaps that's the approach - the change - that will bring results. Live strong, ladies and gentlemen. Be yourself - really yourself - and say "too bad" to those who demand you comply with ideals and ideas that make you less than that.0 -
For myself, it seems at this point that I may have to do something I always swore I would never do, if I want to experience a relationship and/or physical intimacy - lie. Short of giving myself a lobotomy, I can't change my intelligence or competence, and since these things seem to 'intimidate' men so much (despite deliberately looking in the sort of circles where intellect and competence in a woman should not be surprising, and perhaps therefore less difficult to accept or maybe even desire), maybe what I have to do is play a role. I'm an actress, it should be possible, though it shouldn't be necessary. I am going to try the online dating thing again. I'm tempted to put up two different profiles - one as me - who I am, honestly - and the other as a watered-down version. I know the latter is likely to get a lot more response, based on the numerous examples of others who have done exactly this before and written publicly about it, but just maybe I might find the odd chap who is looking for a partner and an equal, rather than someone to feel superior to.
You know what? Flag that. No. I'm sticking to my guns. I've been a little way down that road before, and it didn't make me any happier. I actually have something to thank Mike for - responding to his post in the Machiavellian thread has actually helped me to clarify exactly what I think, and why I think it. I am me. I have no reason to be ashamed, or hide who I am. If anything, I'm going to be more 'me' than I've ever been before. If I stop apologising, even subconsciously, for who and what I am, perhaps that's the approach - the change - that will bring results. Live strong, ladies and gentlemen. Be yourself - really yourself - and say "too bad" to those who demand you comply with ideals and ideas that make you less than that.
You are right! Someone will like you for you, you shouldn't have to hide or change who you are fundamentally just to get a man. If people are "intimidated" by you so be it. If they don't want a "strong" woman so be it. Good for you!!0 -
For myself, it seems at this point that I may have to do something I always swore I would never do, if I want to experience a relationship and/or physical intimacy - lie. Short of giving myself a lobotomy, I can't change my intelligence or competence, and since these things seem to 'intimidate' men so much (despite deliberately looking in the sort of circles where intellect and competence in a woman should not be surprising, and perhaps therefore less difficult to accept or maybe even desire), maybe what I have to do is play a role. I'm an actress, it should be possible, though it shouldn't be necessary. I am going to try the online dating thing again. I'm tempted to put up two different profiles - one as me - who I am, honestly - and the other as a watered-down version. I know the latter is likely to get a lot more response, based on the numerous examples of others who have done exactly this before and written publicly about it, but just maybe I might find the odd chap who is looking for a partner and an equal, rather than someone to feel superior to.
You know what? Flag that. No. I'm sticking to my guns. I've been a little way down that road before, and it didn't make me any happier. I actually have something to thank Mike for - responding to his post in the Machiavellian thread has actually helped me to clarify exactly what I think, and why I think it. I am me. I have no reason to be ashamed, or hide who I am. If anything, I'm going to be more 'me' than I've ever been before. If I stop apologising, even subconsciously, for who and what I am, perhaps that's the approach - the change - that will bring results. Live strong, ladies and gentlemen. Be yourself - really yourself - and say "too bad" to those who demand you comply with ideals and ideas that make you less than that.
Damn straight woman! I'm glad I didn' t have to talk you out of settling, saves my keyboard some extra work 0 -
After the big D, this was a real question for me. I had no idea who I was or what to do. . .I started to try to figure out why I was here and at some point, with a lot of help from family, a few mental-health councilors and (most of all) God, I came to the conclusion that I wasn't here for me, but for my son.
Since then nearly every major decision I've made has been with his best interest in mind and my own as secondary. This sounds like B.S, I know, but I've really tried. I'm not saying I'm totally unselfish. Believe me, I've been known to drop him off at grandma's for the night so I can go have some fun and I just got back from a cruise (without him!). . But I had to do a lot of things I'd rather not have done. I had to trade in my beater pickup for a safer car. I had to give up on my dream house to get into a better school district. I gave up my Master Bedroom because it was better suited as a playroom than the other rooms in the house. I gave up my retirement to pay for lawyers so I could keep him safe with me. Most of all, I gave up my time.
It's been worth everything. My life is so much better than I ever could have imagined a year ago and It's all because of him. And so that's pretty much what makes me. .me..
Oh, and beer.0 -
After the big D, this was a real question for me. I had no idea who I was or what to do. . .I started to try to figure out why I was here and at some point, with a lot of help from family, a few mental-health councilors and (most of all) God, I came to the conclusion that I wasn't here for me, but for my son.
Since then nearly every major decision I've made has been with his best interest in mind and my own as secondary. This sounds like B.S, I know, but I've really tried. I'm not saying I'm totally unselfish. Believe me, I've been known to drop him off at grandma's for the night so I can go have some fun and I just got back from a cruise (without him!). . But I had to do a lot of things I'd rather not have done. I had to trade in my beater pickup for a safer car. I had to give up on my dream house to get into a better school district. I gave up my Master Bedroom because it was better suited as a playroom than the other rooms in the house. I gave up my retirement to pay for lawyers so I could keep him safe with me. Most of all, I gave up my time.
It's been worth everything. My life is so much better than I ever could have imagined a year ago and It's all because of him. And so that's pretty much what makes me. .me..
Oh, and beer.
I love everything about this.0 -
After the big D, this was a real question for me. I had no idea who I was or what to do. . .I started to try to figure out why I was here and at some point, with a lot of help from family, a few mental-health councilors and (most of all) God, I came to the conclusion that I wasn't here for me, but for my son.
Since then nearly every major decision I've made has been with his best interest in mind and my own as secondary. This sounds like B.S, I know, but I've really tried. I'm not saying I'm totally unselfish. Believe me, I've been known to drop him off at grandma's for the night so I can go have some fun and I just got back from a cruise (without him!). . But I had to do a lot of things I'd rather not have done. I had to trade in my beater pickup for a safer car. I had to give up on my dream house to get into a better school district. I gave up my Master Bedroom because it was better suited as a playroom than the other rooms in the house. I gave up my retirement to pay for lawyers so I could keep him safe with me. Most of all, I gave up my time.
It's been worth everything. My life is so much better than I ever could have imagined a year ago and It's all because of him. And so that's pretty much what makes me. .me..
Oh, and beer.
I love everything about this.
Agreed!! 0 -
For myself, it seems at this point that I may have to do something I always swore I would never do, if I want to experience a relationship and/or physical intimacy - lie. Short of giving myself a lobotomy, I can't change my intelligence or competence, and since these things seem to 'intimidate' men so much (despite deliberately looking in the sort of circles where intellect and competence in a woman should not be surprising, and perhaps therefore less difficult to accept or maybe even desire), maybe what I have to do is play a role. I'm an actress, it should be possible, though it shouldn't be necessary. I am going to try the online dating thing again. I'm tempted to put up two different profiles - one as me - who I am, honestly - and the other as a watered-down version. I know the latter is likely to get a lot more response, based on the numerous examples of others who have done exactly this before and written publicly about it, but just maybe I might find the odd chap who is looking for a partner and an equal, rather than someone to feel superior to.
You know what? Flag that. No. I'm sticking to my guns. I've been a little way down that road before, and it didn't make me any happier. I actually have something to thank Mike for - responding to his post in the Machiavellian thread has actually helped me to clarify exactly what I think, and why I think it. I am me. I have no reason to be ashamed, or hide who I am. If anything, I'm going to be more 'me' than I've ever been before. If I stop apologising, even subconsciously, for who and what I am, perhaps that's the approach - the change - that will bring results. Live strong, ladies and gentlemen. Be yourself - really yourself - and say "too bad" to those who demand you comply with ideals and ideas that make you less than that.
*Doing a Lorro Happy Dance* :happy: :drinker:0 -
After the big D, this was a real question for me. I had no idea who I was or what to do. . .I started to try to figure out why I was here and at some point, with a lot of help from family, a few mental-health councilors and (most of all) God, I came to the conclusion that I wasn't here for me, but for my son.
Since then nearly every major decision I've made has been with his best interest in mind and my own as secondary. This sounds like B.S, I know, but I've really tried. I'm not saying I'm totally unselfish. Believe me, I've been known to drop him off at grandma's for the night so I can go have some fun and I just got back from a cruise (without him!). . But I had to do a lot of things I'd rather not have done. I had to trade in my beater pickup for a safer car. I had to give up on my dream house to get into a better school district. I gave up my Master Bedroom because it was better suited as a playroom than the other rooms in the house. I gave up my retirement to pay for lawyers so I could keep him safe with me. Most of all, I gave up my time.
It's been worth everything. My life is so much better than I ever could have imagined a year ago and It's all because of him. And so that's pretty much what makes me. .me..
Oh, and beer.
Reminds me - people are happiest when they have a strong sense of themselves, when they are doing things they love, when they construct lives rich in meaning by building them around their values.0
This discussion has been closed.