Is he immature or am I being too picky?
krissypea79
Posts: 362 Member
OK guys, so I've been seeing a guy for about 6 weeks. We met on match.com last February and became Facebook friends, as I was hesitant about meeting him for timing reasons and some concerns about little jokes he'd make (slightly perverted). Anyways, he did seem like a really nice guy and we want the same things, so I decided to give him a chance. He's 35, I'm 32. Anyways, we've been hanging out quite a bit for the last 6 weeks, and I had some reservations at first, but about 2 weeks ago I found myself feeling happy and excited about him, thinking maybe I'd finally found "the one..." until he met my family, and my best friend & her husband (2 separate meetings)...
First of all, I noticed that he seems to always feel like he has to make a sarcastic comment or joke, sometimes at my expense. He acts TOTALLY different when it's just the 2 of us than he does with others. I will say something like "oh we're doing such and such next week," and he says something like "we are? I didn't make any plans with you, when did I say I was hanging out with you?" Completely opposite of how he really feels and the things he says when we're alone....so that's one thing. He always has to say something to try and make someone laugh...I said something the other night with my whole family around, about being exhausted because it's been a long week, and he mumbles to himself "heh, YOU'VE had a long week?" I heard it and didn't reply, nor did anyone else, but it irritated me...
We were at my parents house prepping for a party the night before and my mom has new countertops, I asked my Dad if it was ok to set hot things on the countertop, and he says "you can set your hot wife on the counter top." WTF?? I was embarrassed that he said something like that in front of my Dad. Another time, my Dad was making breakfast for everyone and he asked if he'd given me a sausage, and the guy replies "no, but I did." Talk about embarrassing! I told him the constant little references and perverted comments concern and bother me, so now, instead of making a comment, he will say something like "I COULD say something right now, but I won't." To me, that is the same thing as saying something. Keeping your mouth shut is not saying something. The other day I said "I suck at texting on this new phone," and he has to say "I could have said something just then...and I've already bit my tongue 4 times today because you only want intelligent conversation" (in a sarcastic tone).
Am I being too picky here? I don't want to be the girl with the boyfriend that no one wants to be around because he's always making jokes or busting balls. My best friends husband has a 7 year old daughter, and we were there one night when she was going to bed (her name is Lexi) so he says "good night sexy lexy." I was mortified and there was just awkward silence in the room. My friends sort of laughed it off but I found it highly inappropriate. I don't want to constantly worry that he is going to say something embarrassing, but I don't want to be over-reacting here....ladies, how does this sort of personality make you feel? Am I being ridiculous here?
My sister can be a bit outspoken sometimes, and sometimes she is a lot to take, but he says that if she says something annoying he is going to call her out on it and not keep his mouth shut because it's not how he is. I don't want to be with someone who feels like they always have to call people out on things, I'd rather he just ignore her because it's how she is and as my significant other he needs to just accept it.
This behavior is totally turning me off and making me question my feelings for him....he is 35, I doubt he will change even though he says he WILL filter himself for me. I don't want him to feel like he has to, and honestly I don't think he CAN. As it is he says he has been filtering himself for me - I can only imagine what he'd say if he wasn't!
First of all, I noticed that he seems to always feel like he has to make a sarcastic comment or joke, sometimes at my expense. He acts TOTALLY different when it's just the 2 of us than he does with others. I will say something like "oh we're doing such and such next week," and he says something like "we are? I didn't make any plans with you, when did I say I was hanging out with you?" Completely opposite of how he really feels and the things he says when we're alone....so that's one thing. He always has to say something to try and make someone laugh...I said something the other night with my whole family around, about being exhausted because it's been a long week, and he mumbles to himself "heh, YOU'VE had a long week?" I heard it and didn't reply, nor did anyone else, but it irritated me...
We were at my parents house prepping for a party the night before and my mom has new countertops, I asked my Dad if it was ok to set hot things on the countertop, and he says "you can set your hot wife on the counter top." WTF?? I was embarrassed that he said something like that in front of my Dad. Another time, my Dad was making breakfast for everyone and he asked if he'd given me a sausage, and the guy replies "no, but I did." Talk about embarrassing! I told him the constant little references and perverted comments concern and bother me, so now, instead of making a comment, he will say something like "I COULD say something right now, but I won't." To me, that is the same thing as saying something. Keeping your mouth shut is not saying something. The other day I said "I suck at texting on this new phone," and he has to say "I could have said something just then...and I've already bit my tongue 4 times today because you only want intelligent conversation" (in a sarcastic tone).
Am I being too picky here? I don't want to be the girl with the boyfriend that no one wants to be around because he's always making jokes or busting balls. My best friends husband has a 7 year old daughter, and we were there one night when she was going to bed (her name is Lexi) so he says "good night sexy lexy." I was mortified and there was just awkward silence in the room. My friends sort of laughed it off but I found it highly inappropriate. I don't want to constantly worry that he is going to say something embarrassing, but I don't want to be over-reacting here....ladies, how does this sort of personality make you feel? Am I being ridiculous here?
My sister can be a bit outspoken sometimes, and sometimes she is a lot to take, but he says that if she says something annoying he is going to call her out on it and not keep his mouth shut because it's not how he is. I don't want to be with someone who feels like they always have to call people out on things, I'd rather he just ignore her because it's how she is and as my significant other he needs to just accept it.
This behavior is totally turning me off and making me question my feelings for him....he is 35, I doubt he will change even though he says he WILL filter himself for me. I don't want him to feel like he has to, and honestly I don't think he CAN. As it is he says he has been filtering himself for me - I can only imagine what he'd say if he wasn't!
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Sounds like a complete and utter tosser.
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You're not being picky.
He sounds like an idiot... You've voiced your concerns to him, and he isn't taking it seriously. Doesn't sound like it's worth it.0 -
I find it odd that you've only been seeing each other for 6 weeks and he's already met your family?
Sounds like one to throw back to me. I guess you have to decide if his behavior is a deal breaker...0 -
6 weeks is soon, but I justified it in that we got to know one another for 7 months and it seemed like it was longer that we'd been "together." In retrospect it may have been too soon, but at the same time, it allowed me to see this behavior fairly early on...
I feel bad because part of me has been happy with him, but I don't feel as though I should be having these reservations this early on either....it's a personality clash, and regardless of how hard relationships are, and that I have to "pick my battles," this just seems like too much of a deal breaker.
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Seriously, it's not even about "not wanting to be funny" or "only wanting to have intelligent conversations" (as he tells you), it's about calibration.
This guy simply has no self-control. He believes that it is OK to say what he wants, whenever he wants to whoever he wants.
Normally, most normal people realise it's not OK to take a dump during a business meeting, right in the middle of the meeting room.
Anyway, just let go of him. This is not only annoying but inappropriate - and I'm the first one to make dirty jokes, but at the right moment.0 -
Btw, it's posts like this that drive me a bit crazy. Perhaps you ladies experience this too, but in reverse?
I mean the following:
I haven't been out on a date in a few months. Granted, it's mainly my fault for being too busy, traveling like crazy, etc. But still, I have lots of nights free (like tonight!), and I'm of course all alone. And here is this seemingly nice young lady, attractive, intelligent profile, who for some unGodly reason is dating an absolute, total jerk. And seems confused about if his terrible behavior is somehow normal or not. She actually thinks she might be too "picky," and hence unfairly judging this tool...
Crazy, mixed up world...
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I can't even believe you are still seeing this guy. He sounds like a complete loser. Drop him.0
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Sounds like it is time to move on, as much as it sucks-better to know now, than later. You are not being too picky at all.
As for the 6 weeks meeting the family, I don't think that is too soon.......depends on the type of relationship you are in with the guy.0 -
The only reason I am made to feel picky is that I have friends and family going on about how I am not always going to like everything about a person, how I need to pick my battles and how hard relationships are. I get all that but I wonder just how much I should be willing to compromise on. I am all for having fun and making jokes and I don't expect my boyfriend to be serious ALL the time...I truly don't feel as though I am picky when I analyze it in my own mind, but when everyone else around me seems to find these comments entertaining, I start to wonder if I just have a giant stick up my butt. I don't think I do....but just trying to explain why I am wondering if I am being too picky or not.0
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I don't think you're being too picky, and I don't think this guy is a complete and utter loser, I just think the two of you might not be compatible. If these sort of things bother you six weeks in, it's only going to get worse. Obviously none of us here have the ability to fairly judge him since we're only getting your perspective. What we do have to work with is that there is a certain behavior exhibited that bothers you enough to make yourself question if you want to be with this person.
So you can try and drag it out and maybe you'll get over it or he might actually keep it on the DL, or you can shake his hand and tell him "thanks but no thanks". Ultimately you guys are just two ships passing in the night and maybe someone else will just be a better fit.0 -
I truly don't feel as though I am picky when I analyze it in my own mind, but when everyone else around me seems to find these comments entertaining, I start to wonder if I just have a giant stick up my butt. I don't think I do....but just trying to explain why I am wondering if I am being too picky or not.
Well, I don't know your father, but my guess is that he didn't find any of your boyfriend's adolescent comments funny or entertaining. In fact, it's a miracle he didn't throw him out on his butt immediately. I would have.
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Btw, it's posts like this that drive me a bit crazy. Perhaps you ladies experience this too, but in reverse?
I mean the following:
I haven't been out on a date in a few months. Granted, it's mainly my fault for being too busy, traveling like crazy, etc. But still, I have lots of nights free (like tonight!), and I'm of course all alone. And here is this seemingly nice young lady, attractive, intelligent profile, who for some unGodly reason is dating an absolute, total jerk. And seems confused about if his terrible behavior is somehow normal or not. She actually thinks she might be too "picky," and hence unfairly judging this tool...
Crazy, mixed up world...
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100% agreed. Probably 75% of the women I know that are in relationships complain that their BF is rude, doesn't give them any attention, doesn't let them go out with friends, doesn't allow guy friends, is a tool bag, emotionally abusive, etc. And here I am as single as the day is long. It's very frustrating.
To the OP: The guy seems like a *kitten*, drop it like it's hot.0 -
The only reason I am made to feel picky is that I have friends and family going on about how I am not always going to like everything about a person, how I need to pick my battles and how hard relationships are. I get all that but I wonder just how much I should be willing to compromise on. I am all for having fun and making jokes and I don't expect my boyfriend to be serious ALL the time...I truly don't feel as though I am picky when I analyze it in my own mind, but when everyone else around me seems to find these comments entertaining, I start to wonder if I just have a giant stick up my butt. I don't think I do....but just trying to explain why I am wondering if I am being too picky or not.
I would have wondered the same the the FIRST time it happened. Then if I'd asked him not to say or do those things and he still did it anyway... Game Over! There are many more guys out there who GET it, and you don't need to settle.0 -
The only reason I am made to feel picky is that I have friends and family going on about how I am not always going to like everything about a person, how I need to pick my battles and how hard relationships are. I get all that but I wonder just how much I should be willing to compromise on.
This isn't "gee, I wish he was two inches taller" or some other minor detail. This guy is meeting your friends and family for the first time -- when he should be geared up to impress -- and instead embarrassed you and made completely inappropriate comments. He may be immature or nervous-- but do you really want to deal with that? Won't you be afraid to bring him around new people going forward? I can't even believe the comments he made to your dad. It's okay to be sarcastic or make remarks, but knowing the appropriate time to make them is very important.
It's been six weeks. That's nothing in the grand scheme. And the right relationship isn't hard at all.0 -
I truly don't feel as though I am picky when I analyze it in my own mind, but when everyone else around me seems to find these comments entertaining, I start to wonder if I just have a giant stick up my butt. I don't think I do....but just trying to explain why I am wondering if I am being too picky or not.
Well, I don't know your father, but my guess is that he didn't find any of your boyfriend's adolescent comments funny or entertaining. In fact, it's a miracle he didn't throw him out on his butt immediately. I would have.
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I dunno, my dad would have thought that was hilarious. Like I said, it's hard to make a judgment as to whether or not this guy is a loser/jerk/etc from this one perspective, but they are not compatible if this is his sense of humor and she doesn't like it.0 -
I say one comment is one comment, but all those comments would drive me nuts, especially the sexual comments in front of the family. You could sit him down and say, "listen, I really like you and I want to keep seeing you, but I don't like that you act differently in front of me versus my friends and family. I don't like when you X, Y and Z. I don't think I can keep seeing you if you aren't willing to change once and for all. Those sexual comments of any kind in front of my family, including the ones where you say you could make a comment but aren't going to have got to go."
If you really like him alone, I think he could change for you. But don't give him a while to change, give him a week or so.0 -
Run! He may make inappropriate comments in those situations because he is uncomfortable. But, the fact that he gets nasty with you about it is the kicker.0
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Run! He may make inappropriate comments in those situations because he is uncomfortable. But, the fact that he gets nasty with you about it is the kicker.
He claims that he makes them because he IS comfortable. I am a country girl and yes my Dad and brother MAY find those things funny because it's guy humor...and he made a comment to me somewhere along the lines of "I thought you'd be happy that your family likes the guy you're dating." Well, while they did find some of his comments amusing, there were some things he said that they found a little off-color but didn't say anything until I told them it bothered me. We had a big family pig roast this weekend and the next day my dad mentioned feeling shaky, and this guy says "heh that's because you haven't had a beer in 9 hours, that's a record for you." WTF? he's known my Dad for 2 weeks and already feels comfortable busting his chops like that? Not cool in my book.0 -
I think you've answered your own question about him. You have been embarrassed multiple times. Is that something you want to continue with?0
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I dunno, my dad would have thought that was hilarious. Like I said, it's hard to make a judgment as to whether or not this guy is a loser/jerk/etc from this one perspective, but they are not compatible if this is his sense of humor and she doesn't like it.
Your point is moot. How would her boyfriend know that beforehand? Of course he wouldn't, and hence should just zip it. Had her dad and her bf known each other for some time, and both found this kind of humor endearing (God help them), then OK, I get your point. But until you know that, only a jerk makes comments like this in front of the parents of a woman he is dating.
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I think you've answered your own question about him. You have been embarrassed multiple times. Is that something you want to continue with?
Definitely not...I think I just needed some un-biased perspective. I know you're only getting my side, and you don't know either of us, but I am telling you the things that have been said and even though you don't have his side, these events occurred and regardless of any of his positive qualities, these things just feel like too much of a deal breaker this early on. I guess I was just looking for perspective from others as to whether or not these things would bother them. Not looking for anyone to bash the guy because to each their own and some other woman might find it hysterical and might even join in, I just don't and never have appreciated the sarcastic personality type.0 -
There are women who might find that type of humor really fun. I personally wouldn't. Yes, we are only getting your side but he does seem a bit jerky. lol0
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double post :noway:0
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This behavior is totally turning me off and making me question my feelings for him....he is 35, I doubt he will change even though he says he WILL filter himself for me. I don't want him to feel like he has to, and honestly I don't think he CAN. As it is he says he has been filtering himself for me - I can only imagine what he'd say if he wasn't!
The fact that he's turning you off is enough to know that this guy isn't right for you. I think he's socially inept and that would bug me too! There are certain modes of behaviour that we all expect from a partner, and I'm afraid he's not going to change. Quite frankly, he's old enough to know better :noway:
The fact that you've called him on it and he's got all sarky and petulant about that is another failing as far as I'm concerned.
I've ended briefer encounters cos the guy just doesnt gel with my personality, be it too much sarcasm or sexual innuendo or aggression, or whatever!
You can be as picky as you like!! Its your life and you should be with a partner that compliments you, not embarrasses you!
All the best :flowerforyou:0 -
I dunno, my dad would have thought that was hilarious. Like I said, it's hard to make a judgment as to whether or not this guy is a loser/jerk/etc from this one perspective, but they are not compatible if this is his sense of humor and she doesn't like it.
Your point is moot. How would her boyfriend know that beforehand? Of course he wouldn't, and hence should just zip it. Had her dad and her bf known each other for some time, and both found this kind of humor endearing (God help them), then OK, I get your point. But until you know that, only a jerk makes comments like this in front of the parents of a woman he is dating.
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We'll just have to agree to disagree, I think there's a lot more than could have come into play as far as setting up that type of humor. We don't know the dynamic of everyone involved. Like I said, my dad would have found that hilarious because he makes jokes like that all the time. If boyfriend overhead someone making an inappropriate joke that opens the way for all the "That's what she said"'s they could handle.I think you've answered your own question about him. You have been embarrassed multiple times. Is that something you want to continue with?
Definitely not...I think I just needed some un-biased perspective. I know you're only getting my side, and you don't know either of us, but I am telling you the things that have been said and even though you don't have his side, these events occurred and regardless of any of his positive qualities, these things just feel like too much of a deal breaker this early on. I guess I was just looking for perspective from others as to whether or not these things would bother them. Not looking for anyone to bash the guy because to each their own and some other woman might find it hysterical and might even join in, I just don't and never have appreciated the sarcastic personality type.
These things would not bother me, because I'm a different person than you are. That doesn't mean you are "too picky" it just means you guys aren't meshing. That's my point. As far as my comments on us only having the one perspective, that's more geared toward all the peeps hauling off and calling this guy names simply because he makes some pervy jokes. He didn't hit her, he didn't call her names, he didn't tell her she should go get a boob job, and he didn't tell her to shut up and get back in the kitchen. He said "this is who I am take it or leave it." which is completely 100% fair - and it's completely 100% fair for you to now turn around and say "then I'm leaving it".0 -
I think you need to go with your gut on this one. If he is already embarrassing you and making you feel uncomfortable, those are red flags that really shouldn't be ignored. He has shown you who he is. Now you have to decide if that person is someone you can be happy with. From what you have shared, it doesn't sound like it.
Good luck to you!!0 -
You're not being picky. This behavior will piss you in a very short time. Plus who talks to the girlfriend's dad that way?0
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TheKitsune6 I do agree with what you're saying. I guess only I can tell if I think his behavior is a deal breaker for ME, but I definitely appreciate the general perspective which seems to be that a lot of his behavior has been inappropriate. Calling a 7 year old "sexy Lexi" is HIGHLY inappropriate, especially one that you don't know and had just met their parents. Maybe the pervy jokes after 6 months of knowing my family, yes. Not 12 hours!!!!! Granted, yes, my Dad did chuckle, but as soon as he knew I was uncomfortable with it, it would have been a good idea to apologize. It doesn't matter if my Dad finds it funny, what matters is how it makes ME feel, and sometimes I feel like he is more concerned with making a good impression on my family, assuming that if he does that then I will automatically be happy with him, which is NOT the case. And the condescending "I could say something right now but I won't because I am respecting you" is not respectful. Keeping his mouth shut is respecting me...and if he wants to be able to say what he wants with no consequences then I guess I am not the girl for him. Personally it doesn't seem unrealistic for me to expect him to try and filter himself a bit, but if he's going to filter himself then hold it against me, then I'd rather just move on.0
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There's a time and a place for the off-beat humor... and it's NEVER around your new girlfriend's parents. He's an embarrassment to gentleman. Move along, you are gorgeous and can certainly find better.0
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We'll just have to agree to disagree, I think there's a lot more than could have come into play as far as setting up that type of humor. We don't know the dynamic of everyone involved. Like I said, my dad would have found that hilarious because he makes jokes like that all the time. If boyfriend overhead someone making an inappropriate joke that opens the way for all the "That's what she said"'s they could handle.
OK, then forget about what the Dad thinks. Clearly the bf knows (because she's told him) that she does not appreciate this kind of humor. And yet he continues. I would imagine it's doubly unappreciated in front of her parents, making it even more embarrassing for her. So even if the bf is somehow bonding with the Dad (again, I disagree, but let's leave it aside), clearly he is upsetting her, and he knows this.
Ergo, there is just no excuse for that kind of behavior, even if Dad slaps him on the back and gets him another beer.
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This discussion has been closed.