Living situations

jenbit

I have a male roommate and my sister as a roommate. I've never had an issue with anyone thinking that theres anything between us. Of course being that he has been my friend since I was 15 hes more like a brother to me. Also he has a GF so that might calm people down. Dont know if it ever bothered them I'm not pyschic but they never brought it up after finding out he lived there

JanieJack

Atyas, The problem I have with your situation is that in your post it seems like you like this girl, but for whatever reason it hasn't happened.

This is exactly what I'm talking about. His post doesn't read like someone who looks good but has no interest in (which is how you write about your roommate). His post reads to me like he would be hoping one day she would come to like him *that way.*

I wouldn't date a guy like that. When he's home, rather than thinking of relationship with *me* he'd be distracted by possible relationship with *her* even if it's never gonna happen. I can't compete with fantasy, and wouldn't waste my time trying.

I understand that exactly, but I wouldn't make that assumption simply by learning he has a female roommate, or even meeting her and seeing that she is hot.

Heck, I'm the type of gal that sees another good looking lady then leans in and goes "Dude. She is FINE."

But if he makes the impression that he'd rather be with her that's where I'd draw the line.

However that is completely different than judging someone simply because they have a hot female roommate, which is my point all along.

It feels like you're not reading what I'm writing. I didn't say I would immediately dismiss a guy for having a hot roommate. Don't put words in my mouth. I never said I'm judging someone instantly for having a hot female roommate. I said I would judge for having a roommate that *he* was sexually attracted to. That's two totally different things.

Or maybe folks are pinging off my statement that I, personally, wouldn't have a roommate of the opposite sex. That's not a judgement against any of you who choose to do that, but my own personal conviction.

TheKitsune6

Atyas, The problem I have with your situation is that in your post it seems like you like this girl, but for whatever reason it hasn't happened.

This is exactly what I'm talking about. His post doesn't read like someone who looks good but has no interest in (which is how you write about your roommate). His post reads to me like he would be hoping one day she would come to like him *that way.*

I wouldn't date a guy like that. When he's home, rather than thinking of relationship with *me* he'd be distracted by possible relationship with *her* even if it's never gonna happen. I can't compete with fantasy, and wouldn't waste my time trying.

I understand that exactly, but I wouldn't make that assumption simply by learning he has a female roommate, or even meeting her and seeing that she is hot.

Heck, I'm the type of gal that sees another good looking lady then leans in and goes "Dude. She is FINE."

But if he makes the impression that he'd rather be with her that's where I'd draw the line.

However that is completely different than judging someone simply because they have a hot female roommate, which is my point all along.

It feels like you're not reading what I'm writing. I didn't say I would immediately dismiss a guy for having a hot roommate. Don't put words in my mouth. I never said I'm judging someone instantly for having a hot female roommate. I said I would judge for having a roommate that *he* was sexually attracted to. That's two totally different things.

Or maybe folks are pinging off my statement that I, personally, wouldn't have a roommate of the opposite sex. That's not a judgement against any of you who choose to do that, but my own personal conviction.

I was responding, with this comment from you also in mind.

Actually, the more and more I think about this question....the more I feel a guy would lose points in my book if he were roomating with a hot girl, especially if she were an old friend. It would be one thing if you were both in town on a temporary job or a specialized job (like the military with few women, crazy schedules and unique job demands that civilians don't always understand). He can't find a guy to room with? He has to lust over his hot old friend every day?

From my understanding of that comment it comes across as "Now that I've thought about it, I wouldn't want to be with a guy with a female roommate unless it was very temporary". You also added parts about lusting after her, but there were two statements specifically in there that weren't about lust and just about gender which is why I got that impression. Please correct my misinterpretation, I meant no harm.

JanieJack

The key phase in that para you quoted is "lust over his hot old friend every day." If he's not lusting, there's no big deal. If he's not sexually into her there's no big deal.

Unless appearances are important to the type of man/woman one is trying to attract. It's one thing to say "the right guy/gal" won't care, but if the guys/gals who are interested in us aren't to our liking (and the ones we really like don't seem to be interested) this is just one of those things I would point out.

TheKitsune6

The key phase in that para you quoted is "lust over his hot old friend every day." If he's not lusting, there's no big deal. If he's not sexually into her there's no big deal.

Unless appearances are important to the type of man/woman one is trying to attract. It's one thing to say "the right guy/gal" won't care, but if the guys/gals who are interested in us aren't to our liking (and the ones we really like don't seem to be interested) this is just one of those things I would point out.

Then I believe we are in agreement and I apologize for the confusion!

atjays

That's why bedrooms at the opposite ends of the hallway are the best, it would awkward sharing a wall.

This is my thought exactly. Even if there isn't "company" over, there are still some things that need to happen ya know? lol

That sounds like it could get awkward. It's very possible for someone to develop stronger feelings for someone they live with, especially if she is smoking hot and always walking around in her underwear. You'd want to be pretty darn sure whomever you live with isn't going to develop feelings for you and vice versa. Also, one would wonder if you are both single and relatively attractive why you've never hooked up or dated.

I think on some level we both have feelings, however that hasn't impacted our friendship or made things weird when we dated other people and went out together. We've been good friends for about 6 years but she's been living about 8 hours away for the last 2 years, we haven't been around each other much. We also have never discussed the why or why not's to dating each other, it just never happened. I'd have to presume I wasn't attractive or lacked any real confidence, and rightly so, I was a fat loser back then, literally.

Actually, the more and more I think about this question....the more I feel a guy would lose points in my book if he were roomating with a hot girl, especially if she were an old friend. He can't find a guy to room with? He has to lust over his hot old friend every day?

This is the part I'm worried about more than any interactions between the room mate and I. I don't feel like I should be penalized by potential dates because my room mate is attractive. Quite frankly I have more female friends than males, and of the bunch, she just happens to be the most trustworthy, dependable and at a similar place in her life. Maybe I have poor choices in friends, but the rest are either job hoppers, dishonest or just absolute slobs. I'd be more willing to see if things get awkward here before I go searching for a craigslist killer to room with.

There's an awful lot of presumption there. That 1) He lusts over his roommate and 2) He's only living with her because he's lusting over her.

Yes she is attractive, but that doesn't mean I worship the ground she walks on. Someone else mentioned sexual tension, and there may be some there. We've had some interesting drunken nights but again we've never crossed that line. I wouldn't call it a "platonic" friendship, we don't treat each other like brother/sister, but there has always been a high degree of respect between us and knowing what is appropriate and what's not.



As far as an update on all this, because it's kind of happening day to day. She's in town this week visiting, job hunting and place hunting. She landed the job she came here to interview for, so she's definitely moving here in a few weeks. I'll be hanging out with her tomorrow most of the day. How much of this, if not all of it, should be brought up in conversation? I can't imagine she'll just decide on a place and move in ignoring all the details. And for the record, it was HER original idea to have me room with her, not mine. I know I'm kind of dragging this out a bit, so forgive me for being a little ignorant on some of these social situations, I've never lived with a chick before and year I lived with a guy room mate at school, we were almost never home together so it was like living alone.

TheKitsune6

Atjays, you're certainly not a fat loser anymore. You're a good looking guy.

Forget having her as a roommate, ask her on a date and find someone from the internet to room with. Of course, I am working with limited information but you really do sound like you've got a crush on her and you think she might still see you as who you were two years ago.

Mellie289

Last night my friends and I were talking about guys and girls being roommates.
My friend has a guy roommate and he had brought a girl over and once she found out he had a girl roommate the girl flipped out on him. The only way she found out was she was loooking at pictures on the wall and asked which guy was his roommate. How do you feel about someone you are dating having a roommate of the opposite sex?

The three of us were fine with a guy having a girl roommate as long as they told us about it. If they try to hide it for some reason it sets off red flags.

I think it's odd that he tried to hide his roommate situation. I've had male roommates before - once it was me, another girl and one guy (kind of like Three's Company!) in a house, and then later, in my mid-20s, I lived one year with two guys in a 3 bdrm apt. (I had my own bathroom), followed by living with a different male friend in a 2 bdrm.

I never had any romantic feelings toward any of these roommates and it was most likely reciprocal, so it worked okay and the changing arrangements was really as people were finishing school and moving away. It might seem stranger at my age now since most people I know tend to live alone if they're still single, and possibly have bought a home.

Talking about where you live and if you own or rent usually comes up in the first couples dates, at least for me. This sometimes leads to talk of roommates.

This is relevant to me in the sense that I like to know the general area where someone lives and how far it is from where I live. Since I live in a big metropolitan area that covers a lot of land and can have significant traffic problems, I like to have someone live within 10 miles of where I live. Beyond that distance in this area, I find that it is hard to schedule with someone when you know that seeing them isn't going to be easy.

Rent vs. own is another consideration. I prefer to date renters. Why? Because if you have a long term focus, a renter is not tied down to something. An owner is. If I'm dating a homeowner for the duration, her home would become our home if things went well long term. It could easily be a case where I would have no say in the development of a household. As I have stated before, I like the idea of finding a partner first, then building a domesticity around them rather than having elements of a domesticity first and slotting a partner into that paradigm.

Dave, I understand that you "prefer" to date renters, but I hope that won't make you eliminate home owners as potential partners! I, for one, bought my townhouse, choosing it as my home with the consideration that it would be easy to rent if I had to move, or chose to move if I met someone! I certainly don't expect someone to just move on in with me and to fit in with the life I have created. I would be happy to develop a household together with a partner. I think that is important - even though now, at 42, I have a lot more stuff... and a lot nicer furniture and accessories... than I had in my 20s when it's very easy to do this as a team since you might not have accumulated as much and become attached to those possessions.

It seems like you have an idea of how relationships should develop that is a little rigid. Being a partner means sharing life together and you having a say. Just because someone owns a home already doesn't mean they aren't open to building a life with someone new. Be careful of expecting life to unfold exactly as you think it should and possibly excluding someone who doesn't seem to fit the ideal. My life has been anything BUT what I could have imagined how "it's supposed to be" and it has been wonderful and full of experiences I never could have predicted -- because I am flexible and adaptable.

I also don't understand the idea that it's not a good housing market right now to buy with a partner. It's one thing if you aren't financially ready to do so (saving enough of a deposit) but mortgage interest rates can't get any lower and the market has finally bottomed out in most places, so it's pretty much the best housing market to buy in. For this reason, it's possible you could find a partner who has indeed made the leap and bought a place as an investment, particularly if they have some family support or have been good at saving money.

atjays

Atjays, you're certainly not a fat loser anymore. You're a good looking guy.

"Was" a fat loser being a keyword . I have all the confidence in the world at this point in terms of how I look and it's translated well into elevating me from shy awkward house recluse into a pretty good social butterfly. I've had an outstanding year in the dating department, even if nothing serious has come of it. We will see how the hang out goes tomorrow and what is discussed. We can both afford to live by ourselves, the room mate situation is simply to save a decent chunk of money to be able to do other things with like vacations or for me, my racing budget lol. So worst case scenario we'll be living a few blocks from each other.

MissingMinnesota

Last night my friends and I were talking about guys and girls being roommates.
My friend has a guy roommate and he had brought a girl over and once she found out he had a girl roommate the girl flipped out on him. The only way she found out was she was loooking at pictures on the wall and asked which guy was his roommate. How do you feel about someone you are dating having a roommate of the opposite sex?

The three of us were fine with a guy having a girl roommate as long as they told us about it. If they try to hide it for some reason it sets off red flags.

I think it's odd that he tried to hide his roommate situation. I've had male roommates before - once it was me, another girl and one guy (kind of like Three's Company!) in a house, and then later, in my mid-20s, I lived one year with two guys in a 3 bdrm apt. (I had my own bathroom), followed by living with a different male friend in a 2 bdrm.

I never had any romantic feelings toward any of these roommates and it was most likely reciprocal, so it worked okay and the changing arrangements was really as people were finishing school and moving away. It might seem stranger at my age now since most people I know tend to live alone if they're still single, and possibly have bought a home.

Talking about where you live and if you own or rent usually comes up in the first couples dates, at least for me. This sometimes leads to talk of roommates.

This is relevant to me in the sense that I like to know the general area where someone lives and how far it is from where I live. Since I live in a big metropolitan area that covers a lot of land and can have significant traffic problems, I like to have someone live within 10 miles of where I live. Beyond that distance in this area, I find that it is hard to schedule with someone when you know that seeing them isn't going to be easy.

Rent vs. own is another consideration. I prefer to date renters. Why? Because if you have a long term focus, a renter is not tied down to something. An owner is. If I'm dating a homeowner for the duration, her home would become our home if things went well long term. It could easily be a case where I would have no say in the development of a household. As I have stated before, I like the idea of finding a partner first, then building a domesticity around them rather than having elements of a domesticity first and slotting a partner into that paradigm.

Dave, I understand that you "prefer" to date renters, but I hope that won't make you eliminate home owners as potential partners! I, for one, bought my townhouse, choosing it as my home with the consideration that it would be easy to rent if I had to move, or chose to move if I met someone! I certainly don't expect someone to just move on in with me and to fit in with the life I have created. I would be happy to develop a household together with a partner. I think that is important - even though now, at 42, I have a lot more stuff... and a lot nicer furniture and accessories... than I had in my 20s when it's very easy to do this as a team since you might not have accumulated as much and become attached to those possessions.

It seems like you have an idea of how relationships should develop that is a little rigid. Being a partner means sharing life together and you having a say. Just because someone owns a home already doesn't mean they aren't open to building a life with someone new. Be careful of expecting life to unfold exactly as you think it should and possibly excluding someone who doesn't seem to fit the ideal. My life has been anything BUT what I could have imagined how "it's supposed to be" and it has been wonderful and full of experiences I never could have predicted -- because I am flexible and adaptable.

I also don't understand the idea that it's not a good housing market right now to buy with a partner. It's one thing if you aren't financially ready to do so (saving enough of a deposit) but mortgage interest rates can't get any lower and the market has finally bottomed out in most places, so it's pretty much the best housing market to buy in. For this reason, it's possible you could find a partner who has indeed made the leap and bought a place as an investment, particularly if they have some family support or have been good at saving money.

I was thinking about DM and since he usually is looking at girls in their 20s not 30s or above it would be more common for the girl to be renting then owning, especially since he lives in Dallas. Texas in its own has strange real estate laws, we have a special team just to handle the mortgages on them. He really isn't limiting his choices much for the type of girl he is looking for. If say he was in this 30s and looking for someone more mature yes he would be but not at his current stage in life. Most people unless married do not buy their first home until 30 or above.

DMZ_1

This is relevant to me in the sense that I like to know the general area where someone lives and how far it is from where I live. Since I live in a big metropolitan area that covers a lot of land and can have significant traffic problems, I like to have someone live within 10 miles of where I live. Beyond that distance in this area, I find that it is hard to schedule with someone when you know that seeing them isn't going to be easy.

Rent vs. own is another consideration. I prefer to date renters. Why? Because if you have a long term focus, a renter is not tied down to something. An owner is. If I'm dating a homeowner for the duration, her home would become our home if things went well long term. It could easily be a case where I would have no say in the development of a household. As I have stated before, I like the idea of finding a partner first, then building a domesticity around them rather than having elements of a domesticity first and slotting a partner into that paradigm.

Dave, I understand that you "prefer" to date renters, but I hope that won't make you eliminate home owners as potential partners! I, for one, bought my townhouse, choosing it as my home with the consideration that it would be easy to rent if I had to move, or chose to move if I met someone! I certainly don't expect someone to just move on in with me and to fit in with the life I have created. I would be happy to develop a household together with a partner. I think that is important - even though now, at 42, I have a lot more stuff... and a lot nicer furniture and accessories... than I had in my 20s when it's very easy to do this as a team since you might not have accumulated as much and become attached to those possessions.

It seems like you have an idea of how relationships should develop that is a little rigid. Being a partner means sharing life together and you having a say. Just because someone owns a home already doesn't mean they aren't open to building a life with someone new. Be careful of expecting life to unfold exactly as you think it should and possibly excluding someone who doesn't seem to fit the ideal. My life has been anything BUT what I could have imagined how "it's supposed to be" and it has been wonderful and full of experiences I never could have predicted -- because I am flexible and adaptable.

I also don't understand the idea that it's not a good housing market right now to buy with a partner. It's one thing if you aren't financially ready to do so (saving enough of a deposit) but mortgage interest rates can't get any lower and the market has finally bottomed out in most places, so it's pretty much the best housing market to buy in. For this reason, it's possible you could find a partner who has indeed made the leap and bought a place as an investment, particularly if they have some family support or have been good at saving money.

I was thinking about DM and since he usually is looking at girls in their 20s not 30s or above it would be more common for the girl to be renting then owning, especially since he lives in Dallas. Texas in its own has strange real estate laws, we have a special team just to handle the mortgages on them. He really isn't limiting his choices much for the type of girl he is looking for. If say he was in this 30s and looking for someone more mature yes he would be but not at his current stage in life. Most people unless married do not buy their first home until 30 or above.

Yes, I am primarily looking for women in their 20s, who are usually renting.

I desire to be off the dating market for the rest of my life in the next few years as I perceive dating to get harder, not easier as time goes on.

Housing is a different asset category than stocks or commodities. Owning a house takes on a different level of responsibility than owning a stock and commodity portfolio. A house requires a significant amount of upkeep and is a lifestyle.

Also, think about this. Buying a house makes sense if you are going to live in a certain geography for 5+ years. Think about that question honestly. Can we actually project that far out? In some instances, yes. In others, no. Job security for a lot of people is a thing of the past. The days of working for a company for 40 years and getting a gold watch at retirement are long gone. It is very easy to get laid off/downsized/outsourced these days. And one may need to relocate. Selling a house is such an arduous task.

Roadie2000

Selling a house is such an arduous task.

So is breaking up, but that's not a good reason NOT to enter into a relationship. For many of the reasons you gave, I think owning a house is a lot like being in a relationship, it says something about someone's maturity, confidence, and responsibility level.

Why date if you are not sure about your geographical situation for the next 5 years? I mean, if someone chooses to rent because they don't want the responsibility, work, risk, commitment, and are worried they won't still be around in 5 years then I would seriously question their relationship potential.

Now before anyone gets their panties in a bunch, I'm definitely not saying that I wouldn't date a renter, there are plenty of other reasons to not buy a house. But if someone is financially stable and mature enough to own a home I usually chalk that up as a good thing. It's also compatibility, I have a 90 lb dog and I like my yard, I wouldn't want to get serious with someone who sees herself living in a downtown loft or something.

flimflamfloz

Yes, I am primarily looking for women in their 20s, who are usually renting.

I desire to be off the dating market for the rest of my life in the next few years as I perceive dating to get harder, not easier as time goes on.

The part in bold made me laugh! :laugh: Not in a bad way - it's just that it's the most uncertain thing and the likelihood of this happening exactly as planned is quite low. It's probably THE biggest challenge of anyone's life. Still hope you get what you're after!

Mellie289

Yes, I am primarily looking for women in their 20s, who are usually renting.

I desire to be off the dating market for the rest of my life in the next few years as I perceive dating to get harder, not easier as time goes on.

Housing is a different asset category than stocks or commodities. Owning a house takes on a different level of responsibility than owning a stock and commodity portfolio. A house requires a significant amount of upkeep and is a lifestyle.

Also, think about this. Buying a house makes sense if you are going to live in a certain geography for 5+ years. Think about that question honestly. Can we actually project that far out? In some instances, yes. In others, no. Job security for a lot of people is a thing of the past. The days of working for a company for 40 years and getting a gold watch at retirement are long gone. It is very easy to get laid off/downsized/outsourced these days. And one may need to relocate. Selling a house is such an arduous task.

I just feel like this is one criterion you could drop from your list. Who says the house needs to be sold? Many people have a rental that presently or eventually generates income. I would see that kind of financial stability as a plus in a partner!

Selling a home isn't always an arduous task. I have sold two (with my ex) and they went very quickly. If you are talking about marriage and moving in together in future, that is going to be a major upheaval anyway, so they would have to move out of that house.

And living somewhere for 5+ years? If someone has decided they can commit to a home, that means they are committing to living somewhere, yes... but the converse isn't an automatic assumption - that someone who rents is prepared to up and move because you would want to relocate. A bigger issue in that regard is someone's ties to family and friends in the area or their job. I've seen that before, especially the job part.

The next 5 years is always uncertain for all of us. We can't go through life thinking 'what if I get laid off, or want to move in a few years?' (unless you know that's a real probability, as in, part of a plan, and not a possibility due to chance) without putting our lives or our potential for a happy life on hold. My job is uncertain, unless I get tenure, but I went ahead and bought. If I don't get tenure, I lose my job (with one year's notice) and also have to leave the country (unless my green card comes through before then or my status changes). I bought a place I could rent if that happened. Home ownership IS a big responsibility, and perhaps a woman in your dating pool who owns her home has made that decision because she is responsible and she has considered the uncertainty of the future in her planning.... like by having a good emergency fund and insurance in case of losing her job and not being able to pay the mortgage. Everyone's "list" of criteria should be as small as possible to meet someone compatible and I just don't see how considering an owner versus a renter in this scenario is cut and dry when many people simply will not leave the place they grew up, while I am an owner who would happily move with a partner - although I am tied to being within commuting distance of my job, which is the real anchor on me to the area and not my home. Also, what's 5 years if you think that is a minimum commitment to a home? - you might meet someone who has lived in it already for a few years and sometimes these things take time to develop, so 2 years could easily pass between meeting someone and the wedding day - or do you require being married to someone much sooner? This preference is just one more barrier to meeting someone and I get the feeling that it's less of a practical consideration, and more that you have some romantic ideal of how meeting someone, falling in love, getting married and building a life should go - and this would be a deviation from that because you both would be buying your first home together. Maybe I'm way off base on that last point, but that is the feeling I get from some of your posts.

Edit to add: So my point really is - there aren't two categories of people: renters and owners. Everyone is different and you do yourself a disservice by treating all renters as flexible to move and all owners as tied down. You really need to meet someone first and find out her story before you assume there's not potential for a future together!

Mellie289

I was thinking about DM and since he usually is looking at girls in their 20s not 30s or above it would be more common for the girl to be renting then owning, especially since he lives in Dallas. Texas in its own has strange real estate laws, we have a special team just to handle the mortgages on them. He really isn't limiting his choices much for the type of girl he is looking for. If say he was in this 30s and looking for someone more mature yes he would be but not at his current stage in life. Most people unless married do not buy their first home until 30 or above.

I agree that it is going to be a small fraction of his dating pool, but why limit at all? I know of people who have homes that their parents helped them to buy (or essentially bought) for them to live in while at college, as an investment. It's their way to get them started out as adults. A friend of mine had a 4 bedroom house that he lived in for maybe 4 years at college, with rooms rented out to friends. After he graduated, he left town for a job and kept it as a rental property, which was what he and his father had planned all along. I'm often surprised watching Suze Orman as well at the number of younger people calling in that have a rental property.

(Although admittedly, I know nothing about the real estate market in Texas since I am in California.)

MissingMinnesota

I was thinking about DM and since he usually is looking at girls in their 20s not 30s or above it would be more common for the girl to be renting then owning, especially since he lives in Dallas. Texas in its own has strange real estate laws, we have a special team just to handle the mortgages on them. He really isn't limiting his choices much for the type of girl he is looking for. If say he was in this 30s and looking for someone more mature yes he would be but not at his current stage in life. Most people unless married do not buy their first home until 30 or above.

I agree that it is going to be a small fraction of his dating pool, but why limit at all? I know of people who have homes that their parents helped them to buy (or essentially bought) for them to live in while at college, as an investment. It's their way to get them started out as adults. A friend of mine had a 4 bedroom house that he lived in for maybe 4 years at college, with rooms rented out to friends. After he graduated, he left town for a job and kept it as a rental property, which was what he and his father had planned all along. I'm often surprised watching Suze Orman as well at the number of younger people calling in that have a rental property.

(Although admittedly, I know nothing about the real estate market in Texas since I am in California.)

Everyone, men and women, have something that limits their dating pool or every single woman would be going on a date with every guy that asks them out and vis versa.

Scottish_Lass

Well, I had such a fun year when I first moved out of my parent's place. I lived with my then boyfriend, we split up and had to live together for a year afterwards due to money and leases and all that crap. Had a hard time explaining that to my next boyfriend! But, at the end of the day, it was simple enough just to ignore my ex. I wouldnt go back to just living with someone of the opposite gender though, that would probably drive me insane. I'd only move in with someone else now if we were together.