Dating Jitters

will010574

Jennifer posted about an upcoming first date a few days ago, and many of the women in the thread remarked that they are all "nervous, jittery and often look for excuses" to get out of first dates, even if they are attracted to or otherwise find the person they are about to meet to be a potential catch.

I have never really been nervous prior to a date and was wondering what is it about dates that make you nervous? Personally I think I dont get nervous because I just look at it as one of many experiences I will have in this lifetime, some good and some bad but all in some way worth the experience. I also believe that I control what I can and those things I cannot control...well dont worry about those things too much or I will just be filled with stress. I guess I look at it in the grand scheme of things, it is a first meeting, no one will (hopefully) lose life, limb or eyesight no matter how bad the date is so what is the point of being nervous.

Long story short, what is it men or women that make you so nervous. I am not referring to the butterflies of excitement, that I understand.

And discuss.....

disneywm76

I honestly think it has to do with potential. May sound weird, but if I think there might really be something that could develop, I tend to be more nervous. Here lately though, I haven't been nervous...not sure if that's good or bad. I guess I've just come to realize that whatever happens is how things are supposed to go so why stress?

La_Amazona

For me its a mix. I get anxious meeting new people, period. I just started a new job and the 1st days were nerve-wrecking because I'm around people I don't know. I get over it after a bit but I've always been that way.
Second, with online dating, if I have the extra butterflies (more than usual which could because he's really cute, hehe), I guess it's a fear of "will we like each other? " "Will he reject me?" "Is he going to be nice?". All translated to overthinking!!!

Once I'm there, after a bit I'm usually a bit more relaxed. But if it's clear that we're into each other the butterflies will start and I get nervous/ giddy.

With non-online dates, I'm a tad more relaxed because we have sort of broke the ice. Still, overthinking can cause me to get anxious.

Damn you, overthinking!

Jennifer2387

The first thing that pops into my mind is, what will we talk about. What if we have nothing to talk about and it is horribly boring and uncomfortable and then I have to sit there and watch him eat and even worse .. he has to watch me. What if he is sitting there the entire time wondering WTF he was thinking asking me out. What if I spill something on myself .. which I ALWAYS do. What if there is nothing on the menu I like.

What if he likes me and I don't like him and he asks me out again and tries to kiss me. What if he doesn't like me and I like him and he doesn't ask me out again and doesn't kiss me. What if he hates how I dress. What if he looks at my shoes and thinks what the hell, why doesn't she wear high heels .. I can't because I had surgery on my foot when I was in high school and I can't wear them.

What if he drinks too much. What if I have nothing to talk about! lol

that is just all way too much for me to even deal with .. so I back out.

TheKitsune6

Going to a strange place to meet a strange person and on top of that all, it probably disrupts my routine.

I have anxiety that I try to overcome on my own without dependency on drugs. Going to the grocery store has been known to give me a panic attack for something as simple as someone blocking the aisle I'm trying to go down.

While certain things may occur to me before the date that make me uncomfortable (I always seem to suddenly forget every piece of clothing I own and convince myself that I have to buy something new) it's usually just a general panic.

Fortunately I have amazing friends that know me and understand me, as best they can, and manage to talk me down (show me pictures of baby animals, usually) and remind me that I always have fun and it'll be fine.

Roadie2000

I don't get nervous hardly at all anymore. Most of my first date experiences have been pretty fun, so I just realized there's not a whole lot to worry about.

poncho33

I don't get the Jitters because really what is their to lose... I'm single today, if the date goes bad I only go back to single... I don't lose an inch on my crank or anything. However in the last year I have gotten pretty accustom to my routine and I do get a little edgy breaking it... so I have been known to think of reasons to not go on dates.

will010574

The first thing that pops into my mind is, what will we talk about. What if we have nothing to talk about and it is horribly boring and uncomfortable and then I have to sit there and watch him eat and even worse .. he has to watch me. What if he is sitting there the entire time wondering WTF he was thinking asking me out. What if I spill something on myself .. which I ALWAYS do. What if there is nothing on the menu I like.

What if he likes me and I don't like him and he asks me out again and tries to kiss me. What if he doesn't like me and I like him and he doesn't ask me out again and doesn't kiss me. What if he hates how I dress. What if he looks at my shoes and thinks what the hell, why doesn't she wear high heels .. I can't because I had surgery on my foot when I was in high school and I can't wear them.

What if he drinks too much. What if I have nothing to talk about! lol

that is just all way too much for me to even deal with .. so I back out.

But my answer to all of the above is...who cares? I get that it would be awkward to have nothing to talk about, so just end the date. YOu dont want to kiss him good night, then dont. If he hates how you dress or arbitrarily wants you in different shoes, so what.
Those are things outside your control so dont sweat them, the things you can control, then of course control those.

I think based on the few replies, those of you that are nervous, is less the date itself, as it is what it could become.

My sister and I have this conversation a lot, she tends to (before the date even happens) give the potential suitor a personality and a type and all these other things without ever having spent any real time with him. Then when potential suitor turns out to not be what she built up in her head she is disappointed.
What I think I am getting at is that it seems to me that the nervousness has little to do with the date and more to do with what the potential is down the road. I say just enjoy the date for what it is at that moment, and go from there.

poncho33

I think based on the few replies, those of you that are nervous, is less the date itself, as it is what it could become.

Hell of a good point here, I'd say I'm guilty of some of this

Lizlicious2187

With online dating the thing that makes me most nervous is rejection I guess, especially if I find the guy particularly attractive. I will say that I've learned to loosen up a lot more than when I first tried online dating though. The last couple of dates I went on I wasn't really nervous at all and both brought different results. One went horribly and I ended up seeing the other guy for a few months. I'd probably be more nervous if a date came from a normal interaction with someone though just because it's been awhile since I've actually gotten a date from meeting someone in "real life" so to speak. I guess I might feel like there is a little bit more pressure there for some reason.

farmers_daughter

Very simply put men and women have unbelieveably different brains, different is not even close to the adjective I need to use to emphasize that point.

Why is it this way? I have no freakin clue. I don't have any scientific data website bullhonkey..... to back it up, but some factual data that people see every day hasn't ever been written down in a scientific whatever...

Women complain that men don't "think" about things in various situations....

Men complain that women "overanalyze" everything....

I'd give alot, alot alot, alot...... just to have a man's brain (somedays I believe I think like one, but at the end of the day, it's still turns to girly girl and all the crap that goes with it) ....end of story. Just sayin.

Jennifer2387

I'd give alot, alot alot, alot...... just to have a man's brain

OMG .. I would love to have a mans brain for just one day and see what goes on in there!

Jennifer2387

I get that it would be awkward to have nothing to talk about, so just end the date.

Tee hee .. you are such a man. I could never ever never do this.

How can you not be nervous about these things??? Any of them??

christine24t

I am such a nervous wreck before dates. What if we have nothing to talk about? Will he pay or do I have to awkwardly pull out my wallet? What if he tries to make a move, what do I do? What if I say something wrong? What if I have a blackout moment and say something i don't mean? How do I end the date? And many more questions...

Roadie2000

I'd give alot, alot alot, alot...... just to have a man's brain

OMG .. I would love to have a mans brain for just one day and see what goes on in there!

I'll sum it up for you: Sex, boobs, food.. It's not really all that fascinating.

poncho33

I'd give alot, alot alot, alot...... just to have a man's brain

OMG .. I would love to have a mans brain for just one day and see what goes on in there!

I'll sum it up for you: Sex, boobs, food.. It's not really all that fascinating.

Come on Roadie... give us some credit here, you left out some basics: bjs, sports, beer.

Roadie2000

I am such a nervous wreck before dates. What if we have nothing to talk about? Will he pay or do I have to awkwardly pull out my wallet? What if he tries to make a move, what do I do? What if I say something wrong? What if I have a blackout moment and say something i don't mean? How do I end the date? And many more questions...

1. Ask random questions. Where they are from, what their family is like, if they have any pets, what they do for work, current events, sports, where they've traveled to, what else they do for fun, it's not that tough.
2. I vote for awkwardly pull your wallet out and hope that he says he's got it.
3. If he tries to kiss you, if you like him kiss him back, if you don't turn your head and say it's late and you need to go.
4. You won't say anything wrong, you will say whatever you say. There's no right or wrong.
5. Tell him it's late and you had fun but you need to get going.
You know all of these things, your brain is getting in the way, so stop thinking so much.

Roadie2000

I'd give alot, alot alot, alot...... just to have a man's brain

OMG .. I would love to have a mans brain for just one day and see what goes on in there!

I'll sum it up for you: Sex, boobs, food.. It's not really all that fascinating.

Come on Roadie... give us some credit here, you left out some basics: bjs, sports, beer.

Ah yes, there are some big games coming up tonight and this weekend, how could I forget. Beer is a good one too. Bjs I lump in with sex, I don't discriminate.

will010574

I get that it would be awkward to have nothing to talk about, so just end the date.

Tee hee .. you are such a man. I could never ever never do this.

How can you not be nervous about these things??? Any of them??

Im not nervous because in the grand scheme of things it is just a date....

Ive been on dates with women I met via online sites, and they turned out to be less than truthful in their profiles, so yes I ended the date right there. I got up and left. To me that saved both of us a lot of time and frustration. She (in my opinion)lured me there under false pretenses...aka lied to me prior to ever meeting, so that ends that.

I understand men and women are wired differently, I think it is clear by the posts the men really dont get nervous. Trust me though ladies, it isnt because we dont care and dont want to make a good impression. I think we just look at it as one event. It isnt like will my team win the SuperBowl...now there is something to be nervous about!!

atjays

I think it's the fact that a lot of people don't look at it as a casual date to get to know someone, instead it's an audition to win over their soul mate. Everyone just wants the date to go well, really really well actually and that a fruitful long lasting relationship comes out of it.

will010574

@ ATjays...what you say makes sense... but what I continually read in here, makes me think somewhat differently. If the nervousness were because you hope to meet your future soulmate then why let your nerves take you to the point of cancelling? Surely no amount of nervousness should stop you from a lifetime of future happiness?

An audition... I agree I think first dates and second dates etc are auditions and of course you want to put your best foot forward...someone on one of the posts stated she isnt really "herself" until like the 10th date for this same reason.
But you are auditioning against half the population for only one role, so that should quell most of the nervousness right there.

I would go so far as to say, the nerves are in fact because what if you do click... that changes the whole world for that person. To me it is less I want to meet my soulmate and more **** what if this is my soulmate, am I really ready for that.

After nearly a year of lurking and posting and reading through single peeps I think most of us are nervous due to
1. Lack of confidence
2. We arent ready or willing to give up our comfort zone to truly date
3. scared to death of a potential relationship

So my next question is, why not just admit these things (if they apply) and date just for fun without stacking all these possibilities onto the date. I think things would be much more enjoyable in that light.

Jennifer2387

I would go so far as to say, the nerves are in fact because what if you do click... that changes the whole world for that person. To me it is less I want to meet my soulmate and more **** what if this is my soulmate, am I really ready for that.

After nearly a year of lurking and posting and reading through single peeps I think most of us are nervous due to
1. Lack of confidence
2. We arent ready or willing to give up our comfort zone to truly date
3. scared to death of a potential relationship

So my next question is, why not just admit these things (if they apply) and date just for fun without stacking all these possibilities onto the date. I think things would be much more enjoyable in that light.

That is it exactly for me. I mean I guess the reason you date is to find someone right? My comfort zone is the reason I would go so far as to cancel a date. Sometimes I am sassy enough to not care about my zone .. but most of the time .. I like my comfort zone .. lol.

But how do you change your way of thinking.

will010574

Janie Jack is a great example of how you change your way of thinking....she had a "type" and that is what she looked for in her search....it wasnt working. We have all heard the old adage, if you keep doing the same things why do you expect different results (or something like that).

So at least in her case, she stopped doing the same things and has had (based on her posts) a much better time of it. As for your comfort zone...take baby steps, mix up your routine. Take a class at the community college on welding or whatever. Just do something you dont normally do and roll with it. Little by little your comfort zone is a lot larger and so is your confidence.

Remember we are nervous by things we dont understand or things we have no experience with, so open yourself up to a lot of new experiences and your nervousness will be a thing of the past. In theory.

farmers_daughter

I'd give alot, alot alot, alot...... just to have a man's brain

OMG .. I would love to have a mans brain for just one day and see what goes on in there!

Oh I'm learning (from what I'm told and I observe) what goes on in there and it seems soo simple.... None of this overanalyzing crap that goes on in mine. LOL

flimflamfloz

I'd give alot, alot alot, alot...... just to have a man's brain

OMG .. I would love to have a mans brain for just one day and see what goes on in there!

Oh I'm learning (from what I'm told and I observe) what goes on in there and it seems soo simple.... None of this overanalyzing crap that goes on in mine. LOL

Sorry ladies, but a man's brain wouldn't fit in your small skulls. :laugh:

julesboots

Janie Jack is a great example of how you change your way of thinking....she had a "type" and that is what she looked for in her search....it wasnt working. We have all heard the old adage, if you keep doing the same things why do you expect different results (or something like that).

So at least in her case, she stopped doing the same things and has had (based on her posts) a much better time of it. As for your comfort zone...take baby steps, mix up your routine. Take a class at the community college on welding or whatever. Just do something you dont normally do and roll with it. Little by little your comfort zone is a lot larger and so is your confidence.

Remember we are nervous by things we dont understand or things we have no experience with, so open yourself up to a lot of new experiences and your nervousness will be a thing of the past. In theory.

I very much agree with the idea of going against "type" but in reality this is the hardest thing I've ever tried to do. It's not a physical type, but a way of functioning in a relationship that's hard to screen for in the initial stages of getting to know someone.

I don't want to dismiss someone because they read the same authors or listen to the same music as someone I've dated previously (or to me), but I struggle with finding other (more emotional) indicators when I first meet someone. I guess it's all related to comfort zone, though.

will010574

Sorry ladies, but a man's brain wouldn't fit in your small skulls. :laugh:

hahahahaha :laugh: :drinker: :laugh:

Jennifer2387

I'd give alot, alot alot, alot...... just to have a man's brain

OMG .. I would love to have a mans brain for just one day and see what goes on in there!

Oh I'm learning (from what I'm told and I observe) what goes on in there and it seems soo simple.... None of this overanalyzing crap that goes on in mine. LOL

I've gotta believe it is not as simple as beer, boobs and sports!

poncho33

I'd give alot, alot alot, alot...... just to have a man's brain

OMG .. I would love to have a mans brain for just one day and see what goes on in there!

Oh I'm learning (from what I'm told and I observe) what goes on in there and it seems soo simple.... None of this overanalyzing crap that goes on in mine. LOL

I've gotta believe it is not as simple as beer, boobs and sports!

those 3 items would be in my top 10 most important things in life. Maybe stay away from a sports bar if you're looking for conversation on a date.

MissingMinnesota

those 3 items would be in my top 10 most important things in life. Maybe stay away from a sports bar if you're looking for conversation on a date.

Hahahah my friend just had a first date at a sports bar and right behind the guys head was a picture of a girl with her shirt cut up to her nipples. She had to pretty much stare at that the whole date.

kls13la

I am such a nervous wreck before dates. What if we have nothing to talk about? Will he pay or do I have to awkwardly pull out my wallet? What if he tries to make a move, what do I do? What if I say something wrong? What if I have a blackout moment and say something i don't mean? How do I end the date? And many more questions...

Me too, and same things! It's funny, though, because usually once the date gets going, I'm fine. It's just the hours leading up to it that I start feeling like I'm ready to throw up. Usually having a glass of wine pre-date helps diminish all my jitters.