Going on dates while dating another....
EBFNP
Posts: 529 Member
So I got asked out by this guy today while out at the market...However, I am currently dating another man. I'm usually not the one to be into more than more person at a time, so I'm not sure if I should go out with this guy. My fears is if the guy I've been seeing finds out somehow. We are not technically together, but I know it may rub him the wrong way if he realize he wasn't the only one trying to fetch my attention. I really do like him, but I kind of feel as though I have to keep my options open just in case. Has anyone else been in the same dilemma?
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[Deleted my post because it was honest and perhaps even helpful and that is not how I roll]0 -
unless there is a commitment between you two to be exclusive, then I say go for it!! As women we need to step out of that box of seeing one guy even if there is not a commitment. If guys can do it, so can we!0
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unless there is a commitment between you two to be exclusive, then I say go for it!! As women we need to step out of that box of seeing one guy even if there is not a commitment. If guys can do it, so can we!
amen sista!!!!!!!!!!0 -
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[Deleted my post because it was honest and perhaps even helpful and that is not how I roll]
I can take it...all opinion welcome of course...0 -
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[Deleted my post because it was honest and perhaps even helpful and that is not how I roll]
I can take it...all opinion welcome of course...
Seriously, he means that his MO is usually to be silly and unhelpful and he doesn't want to ruin that image.
As far as your situation: Do what makes you happy. Be honest and open and as long as you aren't exclusive with that guy then you are allowed to date. But clear up where your relationship stands first.0 -
I'll give you the advice that a good friend gave me once....
If you found out the guy you were seeing was dating another woman, would it upset you? Probably would. There's your answer. You already said you didn't want him finding out. If you don't want someone finding something out, than usually that's because you're doing something you shouldn't be doing. It sounds like you are exclusive with this guy, and if not, you are close to it. Either come clean to the current and say you want to date other people as well as him, or let him go and start dating the new guy. Keeping secrets will just weigh you down.0 -
So I got asked out by this guy today while out at the market...However, I am currently dating another man. I'm usually not the one to be into more than more person at a time, so I'm not sure if I should go out with this guy. My fears is if the guy I've been seeing finds out somehow. We are not technically together, but I know it may rub him the wrong way if he realize he wasn't the only one trying to fetch my attention. I really do like him, but I kind of feel as though I have to keep my options open just in case. Has anyone else been in the same dilemma?
Sounds like you don't like the current guy you are dating. Honestly, I'd ditch the current guy and go for the new guy who asked you out today.0 -
I'll give you the advice that a good friend gave me once....
If you found out the guy you were seeing was dating another woman, would it upset you? Probably would. There's your answer. You already said you didn't want him finding out. If you don't want someone finding something out, than usually that's because you're doing something you shouldn't be doing. It sounds like you are exclusive with this guy, and if not, you are close to it. Either come clean to the current and say you want to date other people as well as him, or let him go and start dating the new guy. Keeping secrets will just weigh you down.
Wise words!0 -
Depends on what you mean by dating. When I read your sentence “We are not technically together,” it kinda sounds like me like *you* feel an obligation to *him* but that he may not feel an obligation yet to *you.* I say that because often I've observed that when a man considers you exclusive he lets you know, but more often the woman thinks they’re exclusive and he doesn’t.
As far as having the guy be upset if he finds out I was dating others, I've had men who WERE dating others get upset with me for not being exclusive. One even told me what's good for the goose is NOT good for the gander. :noway: :mad:
:grumble: :huh:
That said, if it makes you uncomfortable then don't do it. Instead, if Guy #1 isn't meeting your needs perhaps let him know what kind of relationship you want- not that you’re rushing him because it’s too soon for all that, but that you just want him to understand what you’re looking for so he’ll know what you want. Otherwise, he might assume that you’re ok with an ambiguous relationship. And if he “likes things where they are” but that’s not enough for you right now, I personally suggest you consider dating others so that you might find someone who fulfills your desire for a stronger relationship.0 -
I really do like him, but I kind of feel as though I have to keep my options open just in case. Has anyone else been in the same dilemma?
No, I've never had this dilemma. If I 'really like' someone, I give 100% of myself to that one person to develop the relationship.0 -
my opinion is if you arent exclusive then it doesn't matter. as an extrovert i meet a lot of people and do a lot of things and have many interests. i'd never ever ever exclusively commit all my time or dating options to guy unless it's something we've both agreed on and something he's also doing.
why should i shrink my social options for a just in case we might do something scenario?0 -
Do you want to go out with this guy because something "clicked" or is it a sense of adventure or ego (I don`t mean that as an insult) that a presumably attractive guy took an interest?
What I mean is does the emotion attached to simply feeling desirable make you want to do this rather then anything about the guy himself beyond not being turned off by him.
The other side of the equation is that if you are interested in this regardless of reason where does that honestly leave you with the guy you are seeing?
If this is enough to make you consider another possibility then how dedicated long term will you be to him and are you being fair to him to continue under the terms.
That being him having an emotional and financial attachment thinking you are on the same page.
Even if there has been no "exclusive" conversation he deserves to know you don`t consider it that and are not behaving as such.
He may think it is exclusive sans the exact words if you have been seeing each other in a dating sense for a while.0 -
Do you want to go out with this guy because something "clicked" or is it a sense of adventure or ego (I don`t mean that as an insult) that a presumably attractive guy took an interest?
What I mean is does the emotion attached to simply feeling desirable make you want to do this rather then anything about the guy himself beyond not being turned off by him.
The other side of the equation is that if you are interested in this regardless of reason where does that honestly leave you with the guy you are seeing?
If this is enough to make you consider another possibility then how dedicated long term will you be to him and are you being fair to him to continue under the terms.
That being him having an emotional and financial attachment thinking you are on the same page.
Even if there has been no "exclusive" conversation he deserves to know you don`t consider it that and are not behaving as such.
He may think it is exclusive sans the exact words if you have been seeing each other in a dating sense for a while.
Hmm..I am more interested in the guy I am dating, but the other guy asked me out and was very nice. Therefore, I'm wondering if I should go out with him. However, I kind of feel like I am doing it out to prevent myself from becoming too invested in one option. I sort of feel I should continue to see what's out there because I may be surprised that the "the one" is not the one I am hoping for at the moment. In a year he may not want what I want, so I don't want him to monopolize my life if that's the case. The guy I'm dating also told me he wanted to take things slow and see where things go....If it goes nowhere, I need options IMO0 -
Do you want to go out with this guy because something "clicked" or is it a sense of adventure or ego (I don`t mean that as an insult) that a presumably attractive guy took an interest?
What I mean is does the emotion attached to simply feeling desirable make you want to do this rather then anything about the guy himself beyond not being turned off by him.
The other side of the equation is that if you are interested in this regardless of reason where does that honestly leave you with the guy you are seeing?
If this is enough to make you consider another possibility then how dedicated long term will you be to him and are you being fair to him to continue under the terms.
That being him having an emotional and financial attachment thinking you are on the same page.
Even if there has been no "exclusive" conversation he deserves to know you don`t consider it that and are not behaving as such.
He may think it is exclusive sans the exact words if you have been seeing each other in a dating sense for a while.
Hmm..I am more interested in the guy I am dating, but the other guy asked me out and was very nice. Therefore, I'm wondering if I should go out with him. However, I kind of feel like I am doing it out to prevent myself from becoming too invested in one option. I sort of feel I should continue to see what's out there because I may be surprised that the "the one" is not the one I am hoping for at the moment. In a year he may not want what I want, so I don't want him to monopolize my life if that's the case. The guy I'm dating also told me he wanted to take things slow and see where things go....If it goes nowhere, I need options IMO
How long and how often have been seeing the first guy?0 -
Do you want to go out with this guy because something "clicked" or is it a sense of adventure or ego (I don`t mean that as an insult) that a presumably attractive guy took an interest?
What I mean is does the emotion attached to simply feeling desirable make you want to do this rather then anything about the guy himself beyond not being turned off by him.
The other side of the equation is that if you are interested in this regardless of reason where does that honestly leave you with the guy you are seeing?
If this is enough to make you consider another possibility then how dedicated long term will you be to him and are you being fair to him to continue under the terms.
That being him having an emotional and financial attachment thinking you are on the same page.
Even if there has been no "exclusive" conversation he deserves to know you don`t consider it that and are not behaving as such.
He may think it is exclusive sans the exact words if you have been seeing each other in a dating sense for a while.
Hmm..I am more interested in the guy I am dating, but the other guy asked me out and was very nice. Therefore, I'm wondering if I should go out with him. However, I kind of feel like I am doing it out to prevent myself from becoming too invested in one option. I sort of feel I should continue to see what's out there because I may be surprised that the "the one" is not the one I am hoping for at the moment. In a year he may not want what I want, so I don't want him to monopolize my life if that's the case. The guy I'm dating also told me he wanted to take things slow and see where things go....If it goes nowhere, I need options IMO
How long and how often have been seeing the first guy?
Just a month...0 -
Damn girl! I wish I could get asked out by one guy!!!! But honestly, deep down you know who you want to date. Back in my thin days, I dated two guys. It got confusing and complicated. Will never do it again.0
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Damn girl! I wish I could get asked out by one guy!!!! But honestly, deep down you know who you want to date. Back in my thin days, I dated two guys. It got confusing and complicated. Will never do it again.
I really would feel as if I am wasting the other guy time if I do go out with him. In the back of my mind I would feel he's a replacement while I wait for the one I want. Last thing I need is a crazy love triangle to complicate my simple life
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Damn girl! I wish I could get asked out by one guy!!!! But honestly, deep down you know who you want to date. Back in my thin days, I dated two guys. It got confusing and complicated. Will never do it again.
I really would feel as if I am wasting the other guy time if I do go out with him. In the back of my mind I would feel he's a replacement while I wait for the one I want. Last thing I need is a crazy love triangle to complicate my simple life
I'm a big proponent of, the less drama and complications in life the better! Good luck whatever you do. And if the other guy is worthy, you can send him my way! hahaha0 -
I multi date. I don't want to put my eggs in 1 basket. Once there's a talk, it's different.0
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I'm all for multi-dating, and technically if you haven't had "the talk" you are free to see other people. That said, I think whether you do it or not depends on how things are going with the first guy. After a month you should have a pretty good idea of where it is potentially going. How often are you seeing him and talking to him? Are you getting the vibe that he is serious or getting serious? Is he taking you out on Saturday nights? Even though you may technically be able to date others, you do it at the risk of losing him if he finds out and gets upset. I think it becomes difficult once you start hitting the 3-4 week timeframe, particularly if things are going well, albeit not quite to the official exclusivity point yet.0
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Ditto. I wouldn't want to date someone else if I really like someone I have been dating - especially if it has been a whole month. Things might still be new and not very solid yet, but I'm not going to be looking around. I would lose interest pretty fast if I found out he was continuing date others after a month in. I guess I've just been lucky enough to meet men who are like me and don't multi-date.I really do like him, but I kind of feel as though I have to keep my options open just in case. Has anyone else been in the same dilemma?
No, I've never had this dilemma. If I 'really like' someone, I give 100% of myself to that one person to develop the relationship.0 -
are u dating or are u in a commited relationship..there is a difference.0
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are u dating or are u in a commited relationship..there is a difference.
Just dating!0 -
If you're worried about the other person finding out, then basically you feel he won't be OK with it.
From a "legal standpoint", you're in the right - i.e. nobody will be able to tell you that what you're doing is wrong. So that's that.
From a "moral standpoint" (and moral isn't an absolute thing, i.e. it depends on who the observer is), you're in a grey area. What you are doing is taking a bet.
Maybe the first guy is OK with that, maybe even the second guy is OK with that (because I suspect he doesn't know you're dating either), maybe one of them is OK with that, maybe none is. Maybe the first guy doesn't really like you and wants a quick fvck, maybe the second guy doesn't like you and also wants a quick fvck, maybe they are in love and are thinking babies already.
It depends on how frequently you see those guys, but I'm tempted to say that the first guy isn't the right guy for you if after a month of dating you're still considering other options - as Carl pointed out (but that's me talking and in a month I normally have about 9-12 dates with a girl I feel like dating).
Just in case of what? Sure it's nice to have options or possibilities (and it makes you desirable) but you don't necessarily always have to explore those options either (especially when the said "case" hasn't happened yet).but I kind of feel as though I have to keep my options open just in case
An important thing...
Someone who is interested in you >assumes< or >asks< for exclusivity.
Now the horrible thing is that if your guy gets hurt by you fooling around, then he was indeed interested and you've probably lost him (but you were right in acting this way, from a "legal standpoint"). Probably why people say you should clarify this sometimes. That said, if you DON'T want to clarify this, then I doubt you are (yourself) that interested (as confirmed by the fact that you still want to date).
Last:
I find it amusing that you are waiting for him to be attracted to you before being attracted to him. It's high school again... Why?
So...
At the end of the day, if the guy matters to YOU (and >not you to him!<) ask for exclusivity or at least for a clarification/deadline etc. And know where you stand.
If the guy doesn't matter to YOU (regardless of what he is feeling), then don't ask for exclusivity. Whether he likes you or not, you don't really give a rat's *kitten*. He will end up heartbroken or not but that is none of your concern (he should have asked for a clarification so that's too bad... welcome into cynical people's territory btw :laugh: ).
See it's simple!0 -
From a "moral standpoint" (and moral isn't an absolute thing, i.e. it depends on who the observer is), you're in a grey area.
I disagree that morality depends on the observer. In fact, isn't morality the opposite? It's doing what is right in spite of who observes your actions?
Just because you murder someone doesn't make it right because the witness to the crime hated the victim and wished him dead.
--P0 -
It was probably poorly expressed, but I meant "observer" as "whoever observes your actions", which means "you, as you are the observer (and actor too) of your own actions" and also "external people, observing your actions".
I disagree that morality depends on the observer. In fact, isn't morality the opposite? It's doing what is right in spite of who observes your actions?From a "moral standpoint" (and moral isn't an absolute thing, i.e. it depends on who the observer is), you're in a grey area.
Just because you murder someone doesn't make it right because the witness to the crime hated the victim and wished him dead.
--P
And I also wanted to express the fact that someone else, observing your actions, might have a different point of view on the morality of your actions (different from your own point of view).
(because this doesn't mean anything:
" It's doing what is right in spite of who observes your actions"
unless you define what "right" means, and this varies a lot)
Some people will find it "morally acceptable" to kill some people (death penalty in the US), some people won't find it morally acceptable to kill the same people. So there is no "universally agreed" definition on morality.
If you were born Taliban, you'd find it acceptable to stick a bullet in the head of a girl who protests for the right to education. If the entire world was dominated by Talibans, the whole world would be applauding their decision and doing the same locally (and praising the person who did this as a hero).
Moral is probably mainly a (mathematical) function of society and education... Thus is variable depending on your society and education.
The only "absolute moral" would maybe be the moral of a being who has never been tainted by society/education (there is no such person), but then again how useful would their view of morals be in society...0 -
Hmm..I am more interested in the guy I am dating, but the other guy asked me out and was very nice. Therefore, I'm wondering if I should go out with him. However, I kind of feel like I am doing it out to prevent myself from becoming too invested in one option. I sort of feel I should continue to see what's out there because I may be surprised that the "the one" is not the one I am hoping for at the moment. In a year he may not want what I want, so I don't want him to monopolize my life if that's the case. The guy I'm dating also told me he wanted to take things slow and see where things go....If it goes nowhere, I need options IMO
I keep coming back to this post and thinking you are considering going out with this second guy for the most insignificant reasons - 1. because he asked you out, 2. because he was very nice and 3. because you might find out in a year from now that the guy you're currently dating isn't "the one". At least, that's how this reads to me, which is so odd if you are more interested in the guy you are dating - unless you don't think that he is also a nice person. Isn't he?
Why risk it if you are unsure? Relationships are about communication and if you want to go from just dating to a relationship, you need to talk. Ask him how he thinks things are going! The thing is, it's impossible for us to guess, because we don't know much about this situation. I've never had to have "the talk" at the start of my relationships because I know the person I'm dating is only dating me and he is only interested in dating me (and I'm really referring to around the time you are at - after a month of dating). I can tell because he is talking to me everyday and making all of his plans with me, and we would have gotten physically closer.
Consider how things have advanced over the month of you dating - are you seeing each other more often? Talking more frequently? Becoming more physical? Or have things not moved? If things are moving along nicely and you like this first guy, I don't understand why you don't want to become invested in this becoming a relationship, but you are willing to risk jeopardizing it.0 -
Hmm..I am more interested in the guy I am dating, but the other guy asked me out and was very nice. Therefore, I'm wondering if I should go out with him. However, I kind of feel like I am doing it out to prevent myself from becoming too invested in one option. I sort of feel I should continue to see what's out there because I may be surprised that the "the one" is not the one I am hoping for at the moment. In a year he may not want what I want, so I don't want him to monopolize my life if that's the case. The guy I'm dating also told me he wanted to take things slow and see where things go....If it goes nowhere, I need options IMO
I keep coming back to this post and thinking you are considering going out with this second guy for the most insignificant reasons - 1. because he asked you out, 2. because he was very nice and 3. because you might find out in a year from now that the guy you're currently dating isn't "the one". At least, that's how this reads to me, which is so odd if you are more interested in the guy you are dating - unless you don't think that he is also a nice person. Isn't he?
Why risk it if you are unsure? Relationships are about communication and if you want to go from just dating to a relationship, you need to talk. Ask him how he thinks things are going! The thing is, it's impossible for us to guess, because we don't know much about this situation. I've never had to have "the talk" at the start of my relationships because I know the person I'm dating is only dating me and he is only interested in dating me (and I'm really referring to around the time you are at - after a month of dating). I can tell because he is talking to me everyday and making all of his plans with me, and we would have gotten physically closer.
Consider how things have advanced over the month of you dating - are you seeing each other more often? Talking more frequently? Becoming more physical? Or have things not moved? If things are moving along nicely and you like this first guy, I don't understand why you don't want to become invested in this becoming a relationship, but you are willing to risk jeopardizing it.
We are spending more time together, however, he is very busy because of his job requirements being a doctor. He told me that I couldn't be his first priority right now, but he will make time for me more often. Physically we are closer; no sex yet because I want to be sure he actually is someone who is worth my time. The guy is very different indeed from the men I've experienced in the past. He hasn't had a lot of relationships due to his career choice, and I get the feeling he will want to drag the "dating" process out for a long time to avoid a commitment. He actually told me I should date more men; however, he then gets annoyed if he thinks I am actually going out with someone else. I told him I maybe in over my head with him thinking it may work.0 -
After reading your dilemma and everyone's replies here is what I think:
There is something that is making you want to accept a date with guy #2 or you wouldn't have asked if it was kosher in the first place. More than likely, subconsciously, there is something that isn't right about guy #1 and you aren't willing to hang in there and not be his #1 priority. If being someone's #1 priority is something you NEED, I wouldn't waste guy #1's time and let him loose. But if you feel like you are risking a good relationship with guy #1 by going out with guy #2 and that's important to you, I'd say forget about guy #2 and stick with the first. Even if it does go "nowhere" really what are you losing? Every relationship teaches you something you are a stronger person for the next one.0 -
He told me that I couldn't be his first priority right now, but he will make time for me more often.
He actually told me I should date more men; however, he then gets annoyed if he thinks I am actually going out with someone else. I told him I maybe in over my head with him thinking it may work.
Definitely go on a date with the new guy. You can keep the first guy in your dating rotation for fun, but watch your heart because he's told you in black and white exactly where you stand. Any guy who is really interested in you is not going to be encouraging you to date other men. There are no lines to read between here -- he has been very honest.0
