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Advice please
Replies
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Anyone can seize what they want and pursue how they want. For me, personally, the better relationships -- for me -- have been relationships where the man pursued me. There was much less wondering, lack of communication, grief, heartache, and questioning of how he felt about me. I found that when I initiated and pursued, the man had a more apathetic attitude about both me and the relationship. Just my experience, so I don't do it anymore, and have had much better -- and much less stressful -- results.
Just food for thought...yes it probably has been better for you but that may be because you removed the risk for yourself.
I am pretty sure if all was equal and both pursued equally I could say the same if I removed myself from half the equation (assuming I was still getting asked).
Not trying to be snarky so don`t take it that way but just kind of struck me as more an obvious consequence rather then a profound truth.0 -
Well, I have an update.
He said, I will have to let you know, it is my off weekend and it is packed so far.
Of course I immediately felt horrible for sending the message. I told him to have a nice weekend and felt funny for sending the message to begin with.
He responded that asking why would I say that?? he only gets every 5th or 6th weekend off (he is a prison guard at maximum security facility) and his daughter has a dance tonight and was taking her to a movie tomorrow.
Told you all, I suck at this.
Why did you tell him you felt funny? You did nothing wrong. Sounds like his explanation is reasonable too.0 -
Well, I have an update.
He said, I will have to let you know, it is my off weekend and it is packed so far.
Of course I immediately felt horrible for sending the message. I told him to have a nice weekend and felt funny for sending the message to begin with.
He responded that asking why would I say that?? he only gets every 5th or 6th weekend off (he is a prison guard at maximum security facility) and his daughter has a dance tonight and was taking her to a movie tomorrow.
Told you all, I suck at this.
You're fine. You've clearly expressed interest, and now it's up to him to think of something. Just relax and see what happens. The ball is clearly in his court. If there is no specific follow up, you have your answer.
Again, playing hard to get is a losing long term strategy.
--P0 -
Because I did feel funny about it. I felt funny sending a message, because I normally wouldn't bring up going out. We are just learning about each other, and I want him to know how I felt but I did it anyway. Because I do want to see him. Obviously what I have been doing hasn't been working for me or I wouldn't be a Single Peep. So, I just told him that I felt funny asking and I understood and to have a great weekend.
I absolutely believe he has a very legitimate reason. And I feel worse about the second message because I don't think I worded it the best.
Well time will tell.0 -
Well, I have an update.
He said, I will have to let you know, it is my off weekend and it is packed so far.
Of course I immediately felt horrible for sending the message. I told him to have a nice weekend and felt funny for sending the message to begin with.
He responded that asking why would I say that?? he only gets every 5th or 6th weekend off (he is a prison guard at maximum security facility) and his daughter has a dance tonight and was taking her to a movie tomorrow.
Told you all, I suck at this.
I think you're okay. You did what you wanted to, and you got an answer.
Did he ask you out or say he is going to ask you out? (I don't know if you've gotten a follow up answer yet, but if you have.) Because now the ball is totally in his court...isn't even gonna roll back toward you under the net lol. He knows you are interested. If he was interested, I would think that he would say, "I can't this weekend, I'm really busy. But I have Tuesday off. Would you like to go out for a drink then?"I totally disagree that it's gameplaying to expect that a man who is interested will ask you out on a date. I personally don't want to have to "put [a] guy on the spot" to find out if he is interested in me. By not asking me out, I assume he is not interested in me, and don't worry about anything pertaining to him in that regard. I don't believe in imaginary relationships.
KLS, I don't even know you but I love you. I agree with this completely.0 -
Because I did feel funny about it. I felt funny sending a message, because I normally wouldn't bring up going out. We are just learning about each other, and I want him to know how I felt but I did it anyway. Because I do want to see him. Obviously what I have been doing hasn't been working for me or I wouldn't be a Single Peep. So, I just told him that I felt funny asking and I understood and to have a great weekend.
I absolutely believe he has a very legitimate reason. And I feel worse about the second message because I don't think I worded it the best.
Well time will tell.
OMG stop panicking about this guy. What you say, how you say it, when you say it........!!!!!........blah!! Give yourself some credit and just be yourself. When you start treating guys with kid gloves and walking on egg shells is when the probs start. You will just trip yourself up.
Hey Kath! He's JUST a guy!! :flowerforyou:0 -
evan marc katz. read him. he suggest we need to date like guys do, at least for a period of time.
like the poster above said, he's just a guy......... it's hard to think like that as a women, but with practice you'll get the hang of it ;-)0 -
Just food for thought...yes it probably has been better for you but that may be because you removed the risk for yourself.
I am pretty sure if all was equal and both pursued equally I could say the same if I removed myself from half the equation (assuming I was still getting asked).
Not trying to be snarky so don`t take it that way but just kind of struck me as more an obvious consequence rather then a profound truth.
You raise an interesting point. However, there is still plenty of risk for me -- that the guy who pursues will quickly lose interest after I fall head over heels, that he is pursuing for sex, not a relationship, that he will *poof* after a month, etc. I'm not stating any of this as a profound truth either -- simply that in my experience, I'm better off and enjoy the relationship more when the initial pursuer is not me. Again, in my experience men DO ask women out when they are interested, and DO approach women they are interested in. Therefore, if a man hasn't approached me or asked me out, I find it generally safe to assume that he is not interested -- or not interested enough. In the past when I have talked myself out of this assumption via some excuse (i.e., oh, he doesn't know I am interested or he's shy), I've ended up in situations where the man liked me, but was generally just sort of lukewarm about the whole thing. So in the end, yes, I was able to date him for awhile, but it didn't last, and I never felt secure with regard to how he felt about me or the relationship. I'm sure there are plenty of examples of situations where the woman pursued and everything was wonderful. However, I don't want to be in that situation.0 -
You raise an interesting point. However, there is still plenty of risk for me -- that the guy who pursues will quickly lose interest after I fall head over heels, that he is pursuing for sex, not a relationship, that he will *poof* after a month, etc. I'm not stating any of this as a profound truth either -- simply that in my experience, I'm better off and enjoy the relationship more when the initial pursuer is not me. Again, in my experience men DO ask women out when they are interested, and DO approach women they are interested in. Therefore, if a man hasn't approached me or asked me out, I find it generally safe to assume that he is not interested -- or not interested enough. In the past when I have talked myself out of this assumption via some excuse (i.e., oh, he doesn't know I am interested or he's shy), I've ended up in situations where the man liked me, but was generally just sort of lukewarm about the whole thing. So in the end, yes, I was able to date him for awhile, but it didn't last, and I never felt secure with regard to how he felt about me or the relationship. I'm sure there are plenty of examples of situations where the woman pursued and everything was wonderful. However, I don't want to be in that situation.
I agree. Technically, I can pursue, I am not shy. But when men really want something, they tend to go and get it. Yes, there are those that are either shy, intimidated or feel that all power and choice should be placed in a woman's hands..but I probably don't want to date those ones either.0 -
I'm better off and enjoy the relationship more when the initial pursuer is not me.
I believe this too.Again, in my experience men DO ask women out when they are interested, and DO approach women they are interested in.
Bingo. This is why I never will ask a man out. If a man thinks I'm cute, wants to get to know me, I know he will approach me and ask me out. It is in men's nature to pursue what they want. And if not, you know, I'll be single.I'm sure there are plenty of examples of situations where the woman pursued and everything was wonderful. However, I don't want to be in that situation.
Same here.0 -
I think all these points are negated by the fact that she wants to go out with him this weekend... In an ideal world it would be great if this guy just booked something on the spot, but he didn't, and that didn't change the OP's opinion of him. She wants to go out with him this weekend and by cutting the red tape of her ideal way of getting the date, she has a better chance of getting that drink with him this weekend.
And that's fine, and maybe they will go out this weekend. But then what? If he hasn't asked her out yet -- after not one, but TWO clear invitations to do so -- his feelings might just be lukewarm toward her. Of course, maybe going out will change that. Maybe it won't. Maybe her feelings for him will become more intense. Who knows? I personally don't find this to be an ideal way to get a date, to use your words. However, obviously I'm in the minority.How would the world work if us guys felt we should be the ones getting asked out and feeling special??
So are you saying that men don't expect to get asked out? Isn't that exactly what I'm saying, that the man will ask the woman out if he is interested? What about you -- do you ask women out when you are interested in them or do you sit back and wait for them to ask you out?These old ways of dating need to be taken more liberally and opportunities need to be seized.
Anyone can seize what they want and pursue how they want. For me, personally, the better relationships -- for me -- have been relationships where the man pursued me. There was much less wondering, lack of communication, grief, heartache, and questioning of how he felt about me. I found that when I initiated and pursued, the man had a more apathetic attitude about both me and the relationship. Just my experience, so I don't do it anymore, and have had much better -- and much less stressful -- results.
I think it is absolutely possible that this guy has lukewarm feelings toward her, but she didn't know that... when I don't know something that I want to know, I get involved and ask/act. Sitting around hopping or waiting isn't going to get much done, it's like the *kitten* in one hand wish in the other and see what hand fills up first. The only thing ideal about this would be her getting the date right?? That is what she wants, and by getting her feet in the water she has a better chance.
I guess I'd agree that men don't expect to get asked out, but I don't think any would be opposed to that prospect. And if a man will ask the women out if he is interested, wouldn't the same be true the other way around?? I would have to say I do ask women out when interested, I'd also add that the rejection rate for guys is higher than it's ever been, so getting some feedback more than "yes I'll go on a date with you" would absolutely make sure I ask. I think in the OP's case this guy put out some feelers and by sending back interest he can not be mistaken that this is a date he should make! His role here is purely my assumption as we haven't heard from him.
Once again I think being assertive in going for something you want is never a bad thing. I would have to challenge your experience and ask what the ratio of guys who have asked you out is vs. the amount of guys you have asked out?? That might play into your rate of success as we already established the most common method is the guy asking the girl out.0 -
evan marc katz. read him. he suggest we need to date like guys do, at least for a period of time.
like the poster above said, he's just a guy......... it's hard to think like that as a women, but with practice you'll get the hang of it ;-)
Love this guy. I also signed up for Christian Carter's newsletter emails. Of course they want you to buy courses etc but I just read the free stuff. I have been dating like a man lately and it's going great. I was always over thinking (got caught up yet again a couple of weeks ago on something I said to a guy I was dating and came here to clear my head). Men are simple. Try to keep it at a surface level right now. It sucks waiting but I truly desire a relationship that naturally progressed because we were BOTH open to it. I got tired of playing games, over thinking, stressing, etc. So I recommend getting inside the head of a man. We women sure make big deals out of little things.
If he's interested, he will come around. Great job for being assertive. Instead of feeling funny, be proud because that's growth.0 -
You raise an interesting point. However, there is still plenty of risk for me -- that the guy who pursues will quickly lose interest after I fall head over heels, that he is pursuing for sex, not a relationship, that he will *poof* after a month, etc. I'm not stating any of this as a profound truth either -- simply that in my experience, I'm better off and enjoy the relationship more when the initial pursuer is not me. Again, in my experience men DO ask women out when they are interested, and DO approach women they are interested in. Therefore, if a man hasn't approached me or asked me out, I find it generally safe to assume that he is not interested -- or not interested enough. In the past when I have talked myself out of this assumption via some excuse (i.e., oh, he doesn't know I am interested or he's shy), I've ended up in situations where the man liked me, but was generally just sort of lukewarm about the whole thing. So in the end, yes, I was able to date him for awhile, but it didn't last, and I never felt secure with regard to how he felt about me or the relationship. I'm sure there are plenty of examples of situations where the woman pursued and everything was wonderful. However, I don't want to be in that situation.
I agree. Technically, I can pursue, I am not shy. But when men really want something, they tend to go and get it. Yes, there are those that are either shy, intimidated or feel that all power and choice should be placed in a woman's hands..but I probably don't want to date those ones either.
I know plenty of couples that have begun with the girl doing the asking/chasing. My ex never asked a girl out in his life. Some guys just dont bother! Our relationship just kinda grew organically. It doesnt even mean he's shy or insecure or whatever. Perhaps the opportunity hasn't arisen. Perhaps he doesnt think you're interested after he's dropped the hints. I dunno, but anyhow, I think you're living in the dark ages if you sit back and wait for a guy to make every move. And it's just bad luck that your men have shown apathy in the face of your assertiveness. Times have moved on! And most men I know would really appreciate being asked out, or at least pointed in the right direction :flowerforyou:0 -
And if a man will ask the women out if he is interested, wouldn't the same be true the other way around??
I know for me, even though I won't ask a guy out, I have met quite a few guys I was very attracted to. And if I was the type to ask them out, I would've. So just because she is interested, even really interested, does not mean she will ask you out...and truth be told, I think there are plenty of times where a guy might be interested but might be scared for a reason. I try to hint and compliment to the guy that I like him in hopes of him making a move. But all the guys I've liked have not liked me back enough to ask me out I guess...0 -
Just food for thought...yes it probably has been better for you but that may be because you removed the risk for yourself.
I am pretty sure if all was equal and both pursued equally I could say the same if I removed myself from half the equation (assuming I was still getting asked).
Not trying to be snarky so don`t take it that way but just kind of struck me as more an obvious consequence rather then a profound truth.
You raise an interesting point. However, there is still plenty of risk for me -- that the guy who pursues will quickly lose interest after I fall head over heels, that he is pursuing for sex, not a relationship, that he will *poof* after a month, etc. I'm not stating any of this as a profound truth either -- simply that in my experience, I'm better off and enjoy the relationship more when the initial pursuer is not me. Again, in my experience men DO ask women out when they are interested, and DO approach women they are interested in. Therefore, if a man hasn't approached me or asked me out, I find it generally safe to assume that he is not interested -- or not interested enough. In the past when I have talked myself out of this assumption via some excuse (i.e., oh, he doesn't know I am interested or he's shy), I've ended up in situations where the man liked me, but was generally just sort of lukewarm about the whole thing. So in the end, yes, I was able to date him for awhile, but it didn't last, and I never felt secure with regard to how he felt about me or the relationship. I'm sure there are plenty of examples of situations where the woman pursued and everything was wonderful. However, I don't want to be in that situation.
Think about it though when a person asks another out they are faced with basically 3 possibilities.
The person has no interest and declines.
The person is really happy and gladly accepts.
The person is ambivalent but willing to give it a chance.
Yes it is presumed that the guy is supposed to ask so if he does then that eliminates 2 of the 3,naturally he is interested.
If a lady asks then for her it eliminates 2 of the 3 as well,she is interested and now has to deal with the response.
What you experienced as the pursuer is the natural outcome regardless of who is the asker...your experience is no different then what you wish/expect a guy to face.
This is what frustrates me and nothing to do with you but women so often remove themselves from one side of a completely normal and equal proposition but expect the guy to face it and be happy about it.
As far as risk beyond initial rejection...well that is also pretty well shared as for all I know the object of my interest is perhaps not interested in sex but for a built in source of free entertainment/nights out and is just as likely to poof if I grow weary of it.
Now if you are getting asked out and all is good that is great and would not suggest any change,it is working for you.
However it does seem just to be a forgone conclusion that it is less stressful and not necessarily a universal law that things only work out if the guy asks.
I could easily say the same as much of the stress is removed for a guy if the presumption of who pursues was switched.
The outcome is dictated by the actions.0 -
It's only irony if the same girls that excoriated him last time are the ones encouraging her to act busy today, and vice versa.
Okay, which one of you is the hypocrite?
I wasn`t accusing anyone of being a hypocrite,just that the condemnation when DM said it was pretty universal.
While I know that we are all individuals etc I honestly never thought I would see ladies saying the same.
You misunderstand, I was saying there was no irony unless there was hypocrisy. The last line was me poking fun
sorry about that. 0 -
I have been in two serious relationships. In both of those relationships I did the "pursuing".
Obviously the first guy was a dud, but I was young and stupid. Still, got what I wanted.
The second relationship was far more healthy, but I got him the same way. Making myself known to him.
There's nothing wrong with being clear and open about your intentions. It wastes so much less time to say "Hey, let's go to XYZ" and go from there than to speculate and assume that someone doesn't like you because for whatever reason they haven't approached you yet. I got both those guys despite other suitors because I won them over with personality and wit. Sure they may have gone up to the vapid pretty girl first, but after I made myself known there wasn't anymore competition.
I refuse to be a wallflower. If I want something, I'm going to go for it. If it doesn't work out... eh. There'll be others. The only reason I'm single now is because I don't really care for the effort it takes to get into a relationship. Though if some guy wanders in that catches my eye, I'll step up to the plate. That gives me the advantage because the other "average" gals are sitting back waiting for him to make the move. Better hope there's not another me in the room you're dancing in.
Edit: Typos. Eek. Probably more.0 -
Because I did feel funny about it. I felt funny sending a message, because I normally wouldn't bring up going out. We are just learning about each other, and I want him to know how I felt but I did it anyway. Because I do want to see him. Obviously what I have been doing hasn't been working for me or I wouldn't be a Single Peep. So, I just told him that I felt funny asking and I understood and to have a great weekend.
I absolutely believe he has a very legitimate reason. And I feel worse about the second message because I don't think I worded it the best.
Well time will tell.
OMG stop panicking about this guy. What you say, how you say it, when you say it........!!!!!........blah!! Give yourself some credit and just be yourself. When you start treating guys with kid gloves and walking on egg shells is when the probs start. You will just trip yourself up.
Hey Kath! He's JUST a guy!! :flowerforyou:
I know he is just a guy. I get it and trust me I have tried not to show him any panic...Saving that for here! It has just been a while and to be honest, we haven't been in contact with each other since high school. So, this is the first 'non-stranger" that I have been interested in. If that makes any sense.0
