Someone please tell me why SOME guys does this....
Kerri_is_so_very
Posts: 999 Member
ETA - Why some guys DO this.... (sorry, too early to be posting in the forums LOL)
And some women may do this too, but I don't have any experience with that!
)
Any way. I met a guy, he seemed nuts about me...messaging me all the time, offering to help with things around the house etc. Things were pretty new, but going along well for a month or so.
He would message me daily, let me know what he was doing, just to say hello, thank me for our date etc. I did initiate messages too (so it wasn't one sided)....then all of a sudden it was just me initiating the messages...he would reply to mine, but wouldn't initiate anything. And so I finally took the hint and didn't message him and now everything just seems to have stopped.
Is this how people "end" stuff now? Just stop contacting the other person??? I'm newly dating after 10 years and the first time dating since having kids. This just seems odd that there isn't at least a "hey, I've had a change of heart" or something...
And some women may do this too, but I don't have any experience with that!
)Any way. I met a guy, he seemed nuts about me...messaging me all the time, offering to help with things around the house etc. Things were pretty new, but going along well for a month or so.
He would message me daily, let me know what he was doing, just to say hello, thank me for our date etc. I did initiate messages too (so it wasn't one sided)....then all of a sudden it was just me initiating the messages...he would reply to mine, but wouldn't initiate anything. And so I finally took the hint and didn't message him and now everything just seems to have stopped.
Is this how people "end" stuff now? Just stop contacting the other person??? I'm newly dating after 10 years and the first time dating since having kids. This just seems odd that there isn't at least a "hey, I've had a change of heart" or something...
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Replies
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It sucks but that's called Poofing. It's when everything seems great, then one person cuts off all communication. Most people are cowards and that's the easy way out. Unfortunately your guy tended to slowly phase you out instead of just falling of the face of the earth. I'd rather it be like a ripping of a band-aid if it was going to happen...
I'm sorry - but it's time to get back out there and meet other great guys...0 -
People do this alllll the time
The way I see it, if he doesn't have the balls to say he was no longer interested... Then he is NOT worth it.
Start dating again & you will find someone worth your time!!
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Is this how people "end" stuff now? Just stop contacting the other person??? I'm newly dating after 10 years and the first time dating since having kids. This just seems odd that there isn't at least a "hey, I've had a change of heart" or something...
Poofing or generic text messages are the standard ways to end stuff.0 -
People do this alllll the time
The way I see it, if he doesn't have the balls to say he was no longer interested... Then he is NOT worth it.
Start dating again & you will find someone worth your time!!
Pretty much.0 -
It happens all the time, and yes it's rude. I assume after a month you had seen one another several times which makes it even harder. :frown:0
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I've done it...0
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Wow...I'm so out of the loop! LOL
And yes, we had seen one another several times and I was hopeful...but not head over heels. So since we hadn't had the "exclusive" talk, I was still keeping my options open, so I really hadn't taken myself out of the game just yet. And yes, new ones are already lined up, but I just was curious about this kind of thing. This guy was 54!!!! I didn't even know they knew how to play the game at that age!!! LOL He has been single longer than me though. I guess you can teach old dogs new tricks after all! HA!!0 -
Yup, this is the new norm. Most guys just won't even text you back after you initiate if they aren't interested. People have a "read between the lines" type of approach to this kind of stuff anymore.
All in all, it sounds like the spark is completely gone. I'd forget about him.0 -
This guy was 54!!!! I didn't even know they knew how to play the game at that age!!! LOL He has been single longer than me though. I guess you can teach old dogs new tricks after all! HA!!
Length of time on the scene matters more than age.
I have had a theory for a while. It may not be entirely true, but I think there's an amount of validity to it. Once someone (this is a gender neutral theory) has been in a relationship for 2 years with the same person, they lose a sense of the mentality of a single, unattached person. When you lose that mentality, the outer game is not as sharp.
So even though the guy you described is 54, I bet in some ways he's more keen to the game than my 32 year old year cousin who has been with the same woman since 2005.0 -
I don't know why people are assuming that poofing is the "new" norm. The stereotype of sitting by the phone waiting for a call all weekend is something that has been in existence for years. Poofing is a technique that is commonly used, and has been commonly used for some time.
It is what it is. Some people think it's rude and some people think that, while it sucks, it's still as clear as saying "I'm not interested anymore". I do agree that after a certain amount of time and a clear relationship has been defined, poofing IS rude, but with someone that you don't really know and aren't exclusive with yet? You owe that person nothing.0 -
Yep. The poof. Absolutely immature, but it happens.0
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Time investment tells me whether or not this is out of the ordinary. It's probably more irritating because this guy came on so strongly in the beginning with all the texting- raising expectations. Sorry.
Generally, it's just a few dates "the conversation" isn't really necessary. I've disappeared this way, but also felt some guilt. When I was dating more over the summer, I had a male friend (a very experienced dater) who kept telling me that I didn't owe these guys anything, so I listened.
Conversely, I'd rather that someone do the same to me if it were early on and not exclusive. Breaking up sucks- why do it if there isn't anything established to break up from?0 -
I have had this done to me and I thought it was rude, but I think for the other individual it was easier for them. I am currently in the situation where I want to do the same with a guy I have seen twice who constantly texts. Don't know if I should sent a text saying I am not interested or just ignore his messages.0
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I have had this done to me and I thought it was rude, but I think for the other individual it was easier for them. I am currently in the situation where I want to do the same with a guy I have seen twice who constantly texts. Don't know if I should sent a text saying I am not interested or just ignore his messages.
I think this depends on how you feel. If he is actually "constantly" texting he might need to hear something explicit to get the message. I think it also depends on how much you've responded. I felt okay about disappearing because I hadn't really responded much in the first place. Good luck.0 -
I guess I could understand the "blow off" technique a little more if I was the aggressor, but I really let him do most of the pursuing and tried to play things cautious. I guess it caught me off guard and it took me a bit to realize this is what was happening. I am just trying to be better prepared/informed should this happen again.
So not that I'm all torn up about him or feel like I was owed more of an explanation, or not already moving on, just trying to learn the rules/cues again. I just felt a little clueless once I put things together.
Thanks all for enlightening me 0 -
Why dont you just ask him??
Silly, I know..............but perhaps he's just busy?? Perhaps you said something to annoy him?? Perhaps he's in hospital??
A simple text saying "hey, you dont seem to be into this anymore, would that be correct, or are you have problems elsewhere that would explain your lack of contact? I would prefer you just be honest.........."
:flowerforyou:0 -
Hugs to the OP - Guy just did this to me. Seriously ditto.... all hot and heavy and then POOF as you guys call it. LOL.Why dont you just ask him??
Silly, I know..............but perhaps he's just busy?? Perhaps you said something to annoy him?? Perhaps he's in hospital??
A simple text saying "hey, you dont seem to be into this anymore, would that be correct, or are you have problems elsewhere that would explain your lack of contact? I would prefer you just be honest.........."
:flowerforyou:
I did send him one last text stating that I felt like something has happened and there is some distance between us, if he'd like to talk it out, I'm here.
Nothing, nada, zil, zip.....um I'm out of words....
End of story I moved on from it.
Life's too short. If he's truly busy...and still interested in you. He will text back and at least say I'm busy.
I have found this to be true with someone I'm am now friends with. (this person would and has gladly thrown me under the bus, but if he seriously has time to text me back with "busy" I get it)
Sounds offensive sometimes, but hey I get the point. It took all of 2 seconds to type four letters. If someone can't take 2 seconds to let you know they are still there but they are busy.... nope.
(I'm so proud of myself for saying that btw.... usually it's more like give them the benefit of the doubt, they might be yanking off in the corner :glasses: crying a tear in their beer:drinker: over some blah blah blah.... I think I'm learning! LOL :laugh: Laugh Dang it that was funny! :bigsmile: )0 -
This poofing "technique" seriously bugs me. It is just SO rude...though people do seem to be generally lacking in manners and social graces these days.
But, I also enjoy a little closure, and if I have invested some time, effort, and emotional energy, I'm damn well going to get it.
If I text a couple times and/or call and these are not returned, I wait a couple days. If there is just silence, then I send a final text (for myself really) which implies that obviously we don't have a connection on either side (truthful..because I never like people who don't put in effort and/or have reciprocal feelings), that manners/honesty would serve them better in their future relationships and genuinely wish them the best in life...or something to that effect. It is somehow lighthearted and admonishing all at the same time. Trust me.. I have worked hard to get the exact tone. I am not expressing it well, I know. However, more often than not, I get back at least an apology, or a compliment on my honesty (ironic!).. or an expression of renewed interest.
Then I delete the number/email, all communications. There are no second chances.
I KNOW I probably should be able to just leave it alone and not send this last text. But.. I love having the last word in this case, it makes me feel like it is totally my choice, and I really, really enjoy sending a very polite but clear F you. It gives me closure and a sense of power. Hopefully one day I'll be okay to not send it at all.0 -
Oh yes, this has happened to me. In the past I would fret over it but if it happens now then I just move on. I've had it happen recently where a guy does the poof thing and then some time later comes back and wants to talk to me again/see me. I either don't respond or call him out on it. Then I move on anyway.0
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"Silence is the most perfect expression of scorn"
-George Bernard Shaw
And if you recall... hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...
No wonder this pisses us off!!
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i had a guy recently do something similar to me. i will say that THAT single experience messed with my head more than anything else that has gone down dating wise.
HE pursued me. like crazy. i reciprocated with YESes. we went out A LOT. he called, he texted, he held my hand, etc. he asked, i said yes. he wanted me to cook him dinner, i said yes. he wanted to see me but was having fun with some friends and didn't want to leave, i said call me when you're done. he asked me to take walks with him, i said yes.
then, after a month of this...... suddenly i didn't hear from him. for about 24 hrs. which was uncommon. i just chalked it up to him being busy or distracted. he did call after 24 hrs. and said he'd call me later that night. he never did..... the next day, i didn't hear from him again, for almost another 24 hrs. he called and we chatted a bit. he thanked me for giving him some space, that he had a lot going on and he appreciated that i was giving him space to work through some of it. i told him it was ok, no worries and i understood. he said he wasn't 100% sure what he really wanted and needed at this time and again i told him i understood. etc.
24 hrs go by again, and again. by this time i am pretty sure i'm getting the brush off. i had told him i wasn't going to contact him at all. because i had only ONE TIME contact him first in the past month. so, a week goes by and i hadn't heard from him. the sends a text about a medical situation and updates me. i thanked him. the next day he calls, we talk. he says he wants things to keep going the way they had been, with us seeing each other frequently. again, i tell him, that i WILL NOT contact him. if he wants to see me, go out, anything like that he will have to call me.
another week goes by, i hear nothing. by this time, i assumed he had just poofed...... but, no, he texts me again after about 7 days.... with a new phone number. i did respond and ask him why he had a new number. he explained he was no longer on the online dating site and that he had started seeing an ex girlfriend that had moved back into town...... and that i was the ONLY girl he was giving his new number to...... i did respond that i didn't need his number. that i wouldn't be calling him, especially since he was dating someone else now. replied that he wanted to be my friend, if i was interested in that. and i thanked him but declined.
so, it was a poof to a certain degree, but all he really did was prove to me that NO MATTER how hard a guy comes on, it isn't real. i mean, here i was thinking WOW, this guy seems totally into me. he likes me, and liked him. we were having a great time. i had NO CLUE if it would ever go anywhere, but i was having fun and was willing to SEE if it would go anywhere...... but, it wasn't real. none of it was. i was like a bookmark. just something to hold his place until he could get back to his game.
i haven't been on a date, or had any real desire to go on a date since this all went down in october. i would have to say he pretty much ruined my faith in guys ( for the time being at least). i wish he had actually just poofed. i would have preferred that!!!!!!
it sucks and i don't get it, but it is what it is..........0 -
A girl I had been saying 2-3 times a week (lots of reciprocated texts, emails, exclusivity, etc. - the whole deal!) for nearly 3 months poofed on me suddenly.
I believe the reason for it is that she thought (after a series of quiproquos) I was a lying, violent, manipulating, cold bast@rd. I can't help it, I'm inspiring! :laugh:
EDIT: Yeah. It was a girl. So, it's definitely not just guys!0 -
This poofing "technique" seriously bugs me. It is just SO rude...though people do seem to be generally lacking in manners and social graces these days.
But, I also enjoy a little closure, and if I have invested some time, effort, and emotional energy, I'm damn well going to get it.
If I text a couple times and/or call and these are not returned, I wait a couple days. If there is just silence, then I send a final text (for myself really) which implies that obviously we don't have a connection on either side (truthful..because I never like people who don't put in effort and/or have reciprocal feelings), that manners/honesty would serve them better in their future relationships and genuinely wish them the best in life...or something to that effect. It is somehow lighthearted and admonishing all at the same time. Trust me.. I have worked hard to get the exact tone. I am not expressing it well, I know. However, more often than not, I get back at least an apology, or a compliment on my honesty (ironic!).. or an expression of renewed interest.
Then I delete the number/email, all communications. There are no second chances.
I KNOW I probably should be able to just leave it alone and not send this last text. But.. I love having the last word in this case, it makes me feel like it is totally my choice, and I really, really enjoy sending a very polite but clear F you. It gives me closure and a sense of power. Hopefully one day I'll be okay to not send it at all.
As someone else who finds the whole poofing thing rude, this is perfect! :flowerforyou:0 -
This happens to me with almost every girl I'm interested in and start txting. As soon as I let them initiate the conversations, I just get silence. So after a few days I initiate it again...and sometimes get a response and then silence...or just silence. Seems like most girls are just playing a game0
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I had a guy poof on me after six months of exclusive dating, including "I love yous," meeting the family and friends, etc. It was really unbelievable. He just left my house one day and never spoke to me again or responded to my calls. (And no, he wasn't injured or dead -- I checked.) I swear, if it hadn't happened to me I would've never believed anyone would be so rude. What a mindf*** that was.
I can understand poofing in the early stages of a relationship, because at that point no one owes you anything, but it seems to me that after three or four dates, it is just simply polite to nicely tell the person that it isn't going to work out.0 -
Not a fan of the poof....0
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This poofing "technique" seriously bugs me. It is just SO rude...though people do seem to be generally lacking in manners and social graces these days.
But, I also enjoy a little closure, and if I have invested some time, effort, and emotional energy, I'm damn well going to get it.
If I text a couple times and/or call and these are not returned, I wait a couple days. If there is just silence, then I send a final text (for myself really) which implies that obviously we don't have a connection on either side (truthful..because I never like people who don't put in effort and/or have reciprocal feelings), that manners/honesty would serve them better in their future relationships and genuinely wish them the best in life...or something to that effect. It is somehow lighthearted and admonishing all at the same time. Trust me.. I have worked hard to get the exact tone. I am not expressing it well, I know. However, more often than not, I get back at least an apology, or a compliment on my honesty (ironic!).. or an expression of renewed interest.
Then I delete the number/email, all communications. There are no second chances.
I KNOW I probably should be able to just leave it alone and not send this last text. But.. I love having the last word in this case, it makes me feel like it is totally my choice, and I really, really enjoy sending a very polite but clear F you. It gives me closure and a sense of power. Hopefully one day I'll be okay to not send it at all.
Yeah SB, I like this one!!! :laugh: I agree with this closure/last word/revenge!! :laugh: If I send the last text and dont get a reply I would definitely send another telling him what a rude, ingnorant prick he is, and that I hope he stumbles across a nest of bees!!" :laugh:0 -
I had a guy poof on me after six months of exclusive dating, including "I love yous," meeting the family and friends, etc. It was really unbelievable. He just left my house one day and never spoke to me again or responded to my calls. (And no, he wasn't injured or dead -- I checked.) I swear, if it hadn't happened to me I would've never believed anyone would be so rude. What a mindf*** that was.
I can understand poofing in the early stages of a relationship, because at that point no one owes you anything, but it seems to me that after three or four dates, it is just simply polite to nicely tell the person that it isn't going to work out.
The one time this happened to me, after about 6 months too, the guy ended up taking an overdose and was sectioned under the mental health act for 6 months I didnt find out till a year later.
I do believe that people that behave like this are mentally unstable in one way, shape or form! :flowerforyou:0 -
A girl I had been saying 2-3 times a week (lots of reciprocated texts, emails, exclusivity, etc. - the whole deal!) for nearly 3 months poofed on me suddenly.
I believe the reason for it is that she thought (after a series of quiproquos) I was a lying, violent, manipulating, cold bast@rd. I can't help it, I'm inspiring! :laugh:
EDIT: Yeah. It was a girl. So, it's definitely not just guys!
We need to catch up!!!!! Is this Anais??? :noway:0 -
Christ-on-a-stick, folks, can we please come up with a term other than "poofing"? It sounds like a word an old British woman would use to apologize for farting during a tea party.
I nominate "pulling a Houdini" although I am not sure he was really known for a vanishing act.0
