Selfish?
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What exactly makes a single person more selfish than a married one? Yes, I have more time for myself, but that's circumstantial. And how does anyone know if it's a choice or just the way life worked out for me unless I tell them explicitly? So, calling someone selfish due to their (non) marital status is BS.
This sums it all up
My single status is largely in part the result of being anything but selfish.
Just a stupid comment.0 -
Many of you wonder why the connotation of "selfish" is negative. The denotation of the word "selfish" states "without regard for others" or "regardless of others":
from dictionary.com:
self·ish /ˈsɛlfɪʃ/ Show Spelled[sel-fish] Show IPA
adjective
1. devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
2. characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives.
From the Merriam Webster online dictionary:
self·ish adjective \ˈsel-fish\
Definition of SELFISH
1: concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others
2: arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others <a selfish act>
3: being an actively replicating repetitive sequence of nucleic acid that serves no known function <selfish DNA>; also : being genetic material solely concerned with its own replication <selfish genes>
I think it was Kitsune who stated that we are all selfish, even when we do something unselfish. I agree with the sentiment of that statement. It does make me feel good to help others, but I am not selfish because I do have regard for others. I do think about their needs.
For example:
Suppose I was in a relationship. My guy's birthday is coming up. I want to throw him a party and invite all of his friends and family over. I want to cook a huge meal and make his favorite dessert (whether it be cake or banana pudding). I want to do all this stuff for him. BUT he is an introvert. He didn't grow up celebrating birthday parties the way I did. He would rather us have a nice quiet evening at home by ourselves. IF I throw him the party all in the name of 'doing it for him", I am being selfish because I have no regard for his feelings or his desires.
What about the man who is a workaholic? He works hard FOR HIS FAMILY. He works long hours. He sometimes works weekends. ALL IN THE NAME OF "I'M DOING IT FOR THE FAMILY, to provide this big house and the fancy car and shopping sprees...." What if his wife and children would be happier, though, if he were to spend more time with them? What if they would be willing to give up the shopping sprees and drive a regular car and live in a smaller house if it meant that he could be home with them more? Is he really working for the family or is he being selfish?
I do agree that doing things for oneself is a good idea, and although I, personally, struggle with the concept that it really isn't selfish to take care of myself, I do not think that someone who looks after his/her own needs is necessarily a selfish person. Moreover, a person who takes care of himself/herself is probably a healthier individual than someone who does not. (ETA: Taking care of my needs will help me to better take care of my children and my students and others. That's why I said that I'm not selfish in doing so.... I still have regard for others, but I also agree that sometimes, for a person's own sanity and health, being selfish can be a good thing. I probably should have been more selfish in my first marriage, to be honest.)
Yes... I'm a word nerd. (is there no nerd smiley??)0 -
Let's see. I think we should all be selfish in a way.
My ex would disagree, but my first thought was always for him. For a year after I left my counselor would say "Oh but how will this effect YOU?" I worried about him for the entire time we were together.
If I had been more selfish, and said and did what I needed for me, then he would have MAYBE done the same. IDK
I am now single. My thoughts at the grocery store are "What do I need?" When I went shopping while married I swear to you I would get home with diet pepsi, swiss cheese, mozz sticks, and all the things he liked to eat. It was like I disappeared.
Was he this way? Maybe in his own mind he was. He went to work each day and stayed in an unhappy marriage.
I have friends who have never been married or had children, and I have to watch my thoughts when they are selfish. How can I expect them to think "What would Jeannie like to do" they have never had to put others in front of themselves. Children do that do you..........huh, they force it upon you! I was NOT a happy camper when that baby was crying at 4 am! I was forced to take care of his needs, then the needs of 2 others. BEFORE you flame me, I LOVED every moment of mothering. I am just trying to make a point.
I am learning to be selfish out of neccessity. I am guessing though that when I do start really dating, my answer to the "Where would you like to go?" question will be "Where would YOU like to go?" :laugh:0 -
When you are an unmarried person without kids and not in a romantic relationships, there is more of a self focus. But I wouldn't call it selfish in the negative connotation sort of way automatically.
Unmarried people not in relationship and without kids usually have friends. Regular friendships have a give and take component. There's a need to consider the needs of your friends in day to day interactions, even in things as simple as getting together to do whatever it is you both enjoy.0 -
The most selfish person I know is my Father. And he was married for 45 years!
So, no, a selfish person can be of any marital status.0 -
Such a ridiculous statement. Selfish people are selfish. It has absolutely nothing to do with one's marital status.
Btw, why are we trying to change the definitions of words? There is a reason the word "selfish" has a bad connotation, after all. Nobody respects a person who is entirely self-focused and cares nothing about the plight of others.
Taking care of myself and meeting my needs does not make me selfish. If I spent my entire life thinking about how to make myself happy and to hell with everyone else, then that would make me selfish. Fortunately, that is not how I roll. I believe that relationships with others (by this I mean all relationships: friends, family, community, colleagues, etc.) are among the most important things to have in this world and should be held precious. In order to have successful relationships, one must think beyond herself (or himself), and do for others. Sometimes it will come back to bite you, but it's a risk that has to be taken. I am single, but that just means that I don't have anyone else with whom I can make important decisions. Being decisive on my own =/= selfish.0 -
Btw, why are we trying to change the definitions of words? There is a reason the word "selfish" has a bad connotation, after all. Nobody respects a person who is entirely self-focused and cares nothing about the plight of others.
Word meanings and interpretations within society and culture change constantly. Ten years ago our slang was completely different, five hundred years ago the language is barely recognizable to what we use now as a means of communication. People can barely read Shakespeare without needing a cliff notes breakdown to translate for them. There's nothing wrong with that - that language is dead. It's just truth. Communication evolves with the species.
SouthernSweetie - that's kind of the point. You need to find someones who's selfishness vibes with yours. If you tell your husband you'd rather he come home at five everyday to eat dinner with the family instead of that shopping spree he's working for, and he still doesn't do it? Then your happiness doesn't matter to him, HE just wants to be at work and he is LYING about his intentions. If you throw a surprise party for someone that would have a panic attack and hate the entire evening, then you aren't doing it for that person. You're doing it for yourself. That's selfish, yes... unless your intention is to keep that other person around. If it makes you happy to have your boyfriend around then you wouldn't WANT to do something that would clearly make him miserable. That's selfishness as well - you are passing up what you would conventionally desire to make someone else happy because it makes you happy. That's how partnerships work. If all you do is give and give and give and there's no reciprocation then you've got a problem because you aren't doing what's right for YOU.
It is about finding happiness, and you can find a partner to share those things with. But if you don't consider your happiness along with the person you want to be with then you're signing up for misery. I would never advocate that to anyone.0 -
interesting thread... there's one "dating guru" out there who says we ladies are more likely to catch a man when we are selfish. She says that part of why the man leaves us, or stays but stops loving us the way we want is because we stop being selfish (focusing on yourself, our happiness, our looks, our desires) and start focusing on his.
I don't agree (I kinda think both partners should care about each other) but I think it's interesting.0 -
Why does selfish have to equal bad?
exactly. not everyone's goal is to be a living saint or mother theresa.
the only married and or childed people i've ever heard refer to singles as selfish are usually just haters that they no longer have time to do the things they want to do..
of course their assumption is that singles' lives are just 1 big jet setting pool party filled with sexy cabana boys named raoul and sven :laugh:0 -
of course their assumption is that singles' lives are just 1 big jet setting pool party filled with sexy cabana boys named raoul and sven :laugh:
What, you mean you don't?![quote]](http://e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/strip.gif[/quote])
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I think "being selfish" ,which is generally thought of to be negative, is commonly confused with "making oneself a priority", which is believed to be a positive thing. Particularly in the world of weight loss and health, how many people do you know that have had to LEARN how to make themselves a priority (i.e. be selfish!) in order to achieve their goals?
Marital status has nothing to do with it.0
