Don't qualify your compliments, just give them!
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JanieJack
Posts: 3,830 Member
Guess what someone said to me? "Girl you are SO fine! Everyone else likes those thin girls but I like a woman with some meat on her bones." My boss couldn't stop laughing about how rude that guy was.
He'd have got a lot further if he'd have just stopped at "Girl you are SO fine?"
I'm beginning to think the devil sends these guys my way because my size is really the only thing that gets under my skin. I will chalk it up to him being insensitive and not let it get under my skin.
:grumble: :grumble: :grumble:
He'd have got a lot further if he'd have just stopped at "Girl you are SO fine?"
I'm beginning to think the devil sends these guys my way because my size is really the only thing that gets under my skin. I will chalk it up to him being insensitive and not let it get under my skin.
:grumble: :grumble: :grumble:
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my theory on buttons and the universe : we experience things that push our buttons to remind us that we need to release those issues.0
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It was a backhanded compliment.
If he says that and it works. He wins.
If he says that and it doesn't work, at least he knows he offended/insulted you. He wins.0 -
"Girl you are SO fine! Everyone else likes those thin girls but I like a woman with some meat on her bones."
I assume, by giving it in the vernacular as spoken, you are quoting a black gentleman? And as such, from my experience, black men tend to appreciate women with a bit more "meat." I don't see it as a back handed compliment, at all. I see it as a sincere expression of endearment, without qualification.
I think the correct response should have been, "Thank you."
--P0 -
I hate backhanded compliments.
Guy at the gym says to me, "You lost so much weight! Look how slim you are. You still have nice thick thighs, though."
Little does he know that I'm most self-conscious about my legs. Oh well... They try!0 -
I think a backhanded compliment is where the person has malicious intent in the remark. Otherwise, it is just someone being an idiot and perhaps a bit insensitive.
I had an unhealthy crush on this clown girl once. She had a pretty fierce lisp and my first compliment to her was about how I was really into her voice. I meant it, but it probably came off insensitive at best and creepily fetishy at worst.
Edit: Wow, that sounds serial killer-esque. She was a singer, so there was a valid reason for me to say something like that. I was also heavily intoxicated.0 -
I'd agree with that.
I don't see it as a back handed compliment, at all. I see it as a sincere expression of endearment, without qualification."Girl you are SO fine! Everyone else likes those thin girls but I like a woman with some meat on her bones."
I think the correct response should have been, "Thank you."
--P
The fact that you are self conscious and not confident about your weight has nothing to do with the level of sincerity or rudeness of the compliment.0 -
Quite. By any standard of politeness, that was rude, though I wouldn't think it was intentionally hurtful or malicious, as described, just uneducated and thoughtless. Comments on physical appearance, beyond the immediate compliment - "You're SO fine/beautiful/pretty/handsome" are unnecessary and impolite, except where there is a close, established relationship, and even then are best handled with care...0
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I'd agree with that.
I don't see it as a back handed compliment, at all. I see it as a sincere expression of endearment, without qualification."Girl you are SO fine! Everyone else likes those thin girls but I like a woman with some meat on her bones."
I think the correct response should have been, "Thank you."
--P
The fact that you are self conscious and not confident about your weight has nothing to do with the level of sincerity or rudeness of the compliment.
x3
ETA I was going to qualify why I agreed, but I changed my mind....lol0 -
"Girl you are SO fine! Everyone else likes those thin girls but I like a woman with some meat on her bones."
I assume, by giving it in the vernacular as spoken, you are quoting a black gentleman? And as such, from my experience, black men tend to appreciate women with a bit more "meat." I don't see it as a back handed compliment, at all. I see it as a sincere expression of endearment, without qualification.
I think the correct response should have been, "Thank you."
--P
My response was "Thanks...I think. I'll try and take that as a compliment."
The guy was, indeed, black. My boss, who's known the black guy for a long time, is white.
I can sometimes read insult into areas where it's not there, which is why I often like to run my experiences by someone else to see if I'm just taking it too personally. In this case, I didn't have to. My boss kept bringing it up allllll night. Perhaps I wouldn't have given it as much thought if my boss hadn't gone on all night about how rude Black Guy was and how for as good as Black Guy says he is with the ladies he sure won't win me by insulting me.
Another friend I ran this buy said perhaps Black Guy wasn't really trying to be insulting, but maybe my boss was into me and trying to endear himself to me. I doubt it (because my boss appears to prefer the tiny cheerleaders and models we saw), but if so; major fail for both guys.0 -
No.Quite. By any standard of politeness, that was rude, though I wouldn't think it was intentionally hurtful or malicious, as described, just uneducated and thoughtless. Comments on physical appearance, beyond the immediate compliment - "You're SO fine/beautiful/pretty/handsome" are unnecessary and impolite, except where there is a close, established relationship, and even then are best handled with care...
Comments on your weight/frame are technically as impolite as compliments on your lips, eyes or hair (which means: not impolite).
The only problem is the fact that 90% of women are insecure about their weight/frame, which makes it a risky compliment.
The funniest thing is that when someone like this guy compliments someone whose frame isn't your typical "fashion model" size 8 (?) frame, he is insensitive, he is impolite, rude and should burn in hell for having dared expressing his preference for this body type. And I thought this guy was on your side...
I understand that weight is a particularly sensitive topic on this forum (myFITNESSpal) but... is it to the point of denial?0 -
I would rather get "You are so fine, I like a girl with a little meat on her bones" than "You are so pretty but you would be beautiful if you just lost a little weight"0
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I'd take that over a boss in my company (not mine, just one of the 3 program managers) coming up to me at lunch and saying "Salad? How much more weight are you planning to lose, until you waste away to nothing? Dude, go get this girl a beer and a burger!" I'd so much rather be called "fine, hot, etc" because I have a great shape than be insulted for losing weight and continuing to eat well by a person of stature...
Janie, you really do look AMAZING. In the picture with Carl I'd guess you were maybe a size 10 and at a great weight. People are weird, they just don't know when to shut their yap.0 -
No.Quite. By any standard of politeness, that was rude, though I wouldn't think it was intentionally hurtful or malicious, as described, just uneducated and thoughtless. Comments on physical appearance, beyond the immediate compliment - "You're SO fine/beautiful/pretty/handsome" are unnecessary and impolite, except where there is a close, established relationship, and even then are best handled with care...
Comments on your weight/frame are technically as impolite as compliments on your lips, eyes or hair (which means: not impolite).
The only problem is the fact that 90% of women are insecure about their weight/frame, which makes it a risky compliment.
The funniest thing is that when someone like this guy compliments someone whose frame isn't your typical "fashion model" size 8 (?) frame, he is insensitive, he is impolite, rude and should burn in hell for having dared expressing his preference for this body type. And I thought this guy was on your side...
I understand that weight is a particularly sensitive topic on this forum (myFITNESSpal) but... is it to the point of denial?
Sorry, but any comment other than a direct compliment "You have lovely hair/beautiful arms" (and strictly speaking, even that) - about any part of the body/physical appearance is impolite from anyone other than a close friend or family member. End of story. It has nothing to do with individual sensitivity about physique and everything to do with correct manners - a stranger or mere acquaintance should never comment on someone's appearance, unless it is to compliment (a grey area requiring care and tact). It is exceptionally ill-mannered.0 -
I'd agree with that.
I don't see it as a back handed compliment, at all. I see it as a sincere expression of endearment, without qualification."Girl you are SO fine! Everyone else likes those thin girls but I like a woman with some meat on her bones."
I think the correct response should have been, "Thank you."
--P
The fact that you are self conscious and not confident about your weight has nothing to do with the level of sincerity or rudeness of the compliment.
THIS!!!0 -
i've had guys make comments about being attracted to a curvier figure, larger breasts and backside. the more "motherly" type figure i guess you could call it. even if it is just a huge focus on the huge boobs.
i take no offense, because well, that's the body that i have. and while i don't love my body, i recognize that it has more ' meat' on it, LOL!! i love my boobs though. i mean, they are really really amazing! so, even if i just accept the compliment on their behalf ;-)
now, my mother, she likes to make backhanded comments. like '"you could be so pretty, if only you wore lipstick." so, according to her, i WOULD be pretty IF i wore lipstick. but, i don't so, i guess i'm not ;-)
recently she's on the kick about how sad i must be. and how hard my life must be. and so last night i finally asked her WHY she assumed my life is hard and that i am sad??? " your job is just so hard. it's so hard to do what you're doing." she'll say " your children are the most well behaved kids i think i have ever seen," and then immediately follow it up with, " i just don't know how you are going to do this alone. it's such a hard, rough job. you need me to be there to help you. you are so sad and your life is so hard."
it's flabbergasting, LOL!!!!!0 -
I'd agree with that.
The fact that you are self conscious and not confident about your weight has nothing to do with the level of sincerity or rudeness of the compliment.
Yes, this. Although I do understand the feeling when you aren't certain of someone's motivation for their dumb words.
Plus, I'd like to add that when we are negative about something, we seem to attract it and then notice it even more than when we are indifferent toward something. JJ, especially the past few days, you have been very, very negative at least on the board here about your size, etc. so you really shouldn't be surprised that you're also looking for other people to validate your negativity.0 -
Maybe I’m taking it too sensitively. I gained a total of 23 pounds between my two “pre-deployment” vacations. When I arrived to my new job three weeks ago, working with Army and Marines (I’m the only AF) I couldn’t fit into my uniforms and had to buy a bigger one. The guys here made all kinds of comments about my weight (things like looking me up and down while saying I’m surprised *you* can actually run 13 miles). I eventually shut them down by saying things like “Why you gotta say it like THAT? Come on, let’s go for a run and see how long you can hang. Join me on the Tough Mudder I’m about to run”
So maybe I’m in over sensitive mode. I don’t think I was this sensitive about it 4 months ago at my normal weight. I think part of it is having been heavy all my life and then losing weight and hearing how these guys talk about women my size (which is NOT sloppy fat) behind their backs.0 -
I agree you are way over sensitive. Your last 3 topic postings have been about your size and inability to accept a compliment or finding negative things in a compliment.
Let it go0 -
The funniest thing is that when someone like this guy compliments someone whose frame isn't your typical "fashion model" size 8 (?) frame, he is insensitive, he is impolite, rude and should burn in hell for having dared expressing his preference for this body type. And I thought this guy was on your side...
I understand that weight is a particularly sensitive topic on this forum (myFITNESSpal) but... is it to the point of denial?
Ha ha. I wish fashion models were size 8. That is when they consider you a plus sized model here, 8 and above. That is a more attainable standard of beauty. Sample sizes in fashion are usually 4--maybe 6. I think runway models are about a size 2.
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The funniest thing is that when someone like this guy compliments someone whose frame isn't your typical "fashion model" size 8 (?) frame, he is insensitive, he is impolite, rude and should burn in hell for having dared expressing his preference for this body type. And I thought this guy was on your side...
I understand that weight is a particularly sensitive topic on this forum (myFITNESSpal) but... is it to the point of denial?
Ha ha. I wish fashion models were size 8. That is when they consider you a plus sized model here, 8 and above. That is a more attainable standard of beauty. Sample sizes in fashion are usually 4--maybe 6. I think runway models are about a size 2.
Remember he is talking a Eurpoean size 8 which is like a 4 here.0 -
those guys were rude! it's none of their biz what you weigh or how your weight affects your ability to run.
one of my good friends runs 6 miles every other day, but she's over weight. and her size hasn't changed in all of the years ive known her. so, the running is independent of her size. the friend she runs with, is teeny tiny. but hits the gym daily as well!!!
i know that one of my biggest pet peeves is that my body doesn't reflect my strength. you don't look at me and think " wow she's in shape and so strong." you look at me and think, " aww, poor girl could stand to lose a few." ;-) LOL!!1
i was at the gym once and my phone rang, i answered it. i was walking on the treadmill at the time. talked to whomever for about 2 min then hung up. a trainer walked over to me awhile later and started talking. we ended up talking for a long time, but in the beginning i made a comment that he must have seen me, assumed i had no clue what i was doing and figured i must need help. he denied that until the very end of the convo. he did, at the end, say that he assumed i needed help because there was no way i was going to lose weight walking on a treadmill talking on the phone!!! LOL!!!
little did he know i was doing exactly what i was supposed to be doing. and that i had been working hard on lifting instead of cardio, so my cardio comes in the form of long walks or short intense HIITs. but, he saw what he saw and made an assumption ( ASSumption!!!).
that's what those guys did wiht you too. they looked, and ASSumed!!!Maybe I’m taking it too sensitively. I gained a total of 23 pounds between my two “pre-deployment” vacations. When I arrived to my new job three weeks ago, working with Army and Marines (I’m the only AF) I couldn’t fit into my uniforms and had to buy a bigger one. The guys here made all kinds of comments about my weight (things like looking me up and down while saying I’m surprised *you* can actually run 13 miles). I eventually shut them down by saying things like “Why you gotta say it like THAT? Come on, let’s go for a run and see how long you can hang. Join me on the Tough Mudder I’m about to run”
So maybe I’m in over sensitive mode. I don’t think I was this sensitive about it 4 months ago at my normal weight. I think part of it is having been heavy all my life and then losing weight and hearing how these guys talk about women my size (which is NOT sloppy fat) behind their backs.0 -
The funniest thing is that when someone like this guy compliments someone whose frame isn't your typical "fashion model" size 8 (?) frame, he is insensitive, he is impolite, rude and should burn in hell for having dared expressing his preference for this body type. And I thought this guy was on your side...
I understand that weight is a particularly sensitive topic on this forum (myFITNESSpal) but... is it to the point of denial?
Ha ha. I wish fashion models were size 8. That is when they consider you a plus sized model here, 8 and above. That is a more attainable standard of beauty. Sample sizes in fashion are usually 4--maybe 6. I think runway models are about a size 2.
Remember he is talking a Eurpoean size 8 which is like a 4 here.
Aw...I thought they were only one size difference than US. That's crazy. I hope 0-2 doesn't exist there0 -
And it gets worse…
I’ve been doing CrossFit + Zumba 5 days a week + running 10-12 miles (total) a week for the 3 weeks I’ve been here and STILL have lost only 3 pounds and no noticeable change in uniform fit.
So today when I went to CrossFit and proudly wore my Tough Mudder shirt I almost crumpled when several of the guys looked me up and down, said “you actually DID the tough mudder? Wow, I’m surprised.” I tried to brush it off, and we started doing 21-18-15-12-9s of burpees and wall balls. My entire row of folks was done and the next group was getting in place, waiting for me to finish so they could start the clock over. I was just starting the 12s. And two guys expressed an unsavory opinion about having to wait for me and why hold the group up (they were right, but they could have been nicer about it).
I’m embarrassed to say I started crying. Not audibly, but tears began to fall so I turned away from them (so no one would see) and continued my workout. A guy came around and noticed I was upset and so he tried to encourage me, and got others to come over and do the final set with me, which made the tears come even more. I outrank all of these guys and now they’ve seen me crying over a dumb remark made by some dumb marine, and it actually upset me MORE that they saw me cry (instead of shoot a mean remark back to him) than that anyone made rude comments.
What’s funny is, one of the guys he got to come support was the last one who made a snide remark, the one that broke the camel’s back. While I was showering, I overheard one of the girls tell another that the team leader gave that guy a talking to for being a jerk. I asked her to verify they were talking about me, to confirm I wasn’t just hearing what I want to hear.
I think the stress of the new job and missing my son and putting on 23 lbs in 2 months is getting to me, and I’m obviously not handling it very well if a snide comment made by a stranger can make me cry.those guys were rude! it's none of their biz what you weigh or how your weight affects your ability to run.
one of my good friends runs 6 miles every other day, but she's over weight. and her size hasn't changed in all of the years ive known her. so, the running is independent of her size
This reminds me of a Vegan on What Not to Wear. She was larger than me, but ate no animal foods, not even eggs, dairy, or cheese. I felt bad for her b/c as rude as people have been to me at times, I’m sure they say things to her. She implied people get on her about her weight which was one of the problems she had in believing that anything form fitting would look good. It’s really hard to overeat on veggies and grains (even though starchy veggies have a LOT of calories).
Edit to clean up some messed up quotes and note that part of what really upsets me right now is NOT that they were rude to me. I'm more upset that they saw me cry over something so stupid. For those who aren't in the military, what this means is that now I've lost their respect and I will not be able to earn it back. It is going to be a very long 6 months. Sigh.0 -
(((HUGS)))
people can be insensitive and rude!
is there any chance you could be pg???
23 lbs in 2 mo is quite a bit of weight to gain, just out of the blue.........
even without working out, just walking on occasion and eating what i wanted i was up about 4 lbs in 6 weeks..... that's why i ask.And it gets worse…
I’ve been doing CrossFit + Zumba 5 days a week + running 10-12 miles (total) a week for the 3 weeks I’ve been here and STILL have lost only 3 pounds and no noticeable change in uniform fit.0 -
those guys were rude! it's none of their biz what you weigh or how your weight affects your ability to run.
They are going to deploy together as part of a military unit...it absolutely is there business how much she weighs and how fast and far she can run.0 -
is there any chance you could be pg???
23 lbs in 2 mo is quite a bit of weight to gain, just out of the blue.........
I soooooooo wish there would could be "a chance" that I could be pg, lol. I haven't had THAT much fun in a LONG time.
Part of it was the 3 weeks in europe eating brotchen constantly. Part of it is that with moving and travelling I've been able to work out, but haven't really done what I needed to eat properly.
I just need to stop whining and do something about it so I can be happy with myself again.0 -
those guys were rude! it's none of their biz what you weigh or how your weight affects your ability to run.
They are going to deploy together as part of a military unit...it absolutely is there business how much she weighs and how fast and far she can run.
How much I weigh doesn't really matter since we're not in an environment where they have to give me boosts (like in the Tough Mudder).
How fast and far I can run, however, is a different story because we are on foot a lot. I'm 30lbs heavier than the heaviest woman and even though I run faster for further than the other ladies (fast enough to keep up with the average guys) and also outdo the women (and a few of the guys) in brute strength things (climbing, pushups, situps) I'm still dogged out for being heavy.
My boss was so shocked when I helped him park our plane at how strong I was. None of the other ladies (nor some of the men) can handle the aircraft the way I could.
No one in this evironment cares what you can DO. They just care how you LOOK.0 -
How much I weigh doesn't really matter since we're not in an environment where they have to give me boosts (like in the Tough Mudder).
I would disagree, there are the DOD mandated height and weight standards that are always applicable. But that is a totally different thread.0 -
How much I weigh doesn't really matter since we're not in an environment where they have to give me boosts (like in the Tough Mudder).
I would disagree, there are the DOD mandated height and weight standards that are always applicable. But that is a totally different thread.
Weight and height standards don't apply to troops who max (or score 97+ %) their fitness test. Whicht I've done every year for the past 6 years. At least in the AF. Perhaps the Marines are different.0 -
Yes very different0
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