Do you feel your weight has kept you single?
Goldberry77
Posts: 9
Hi everybody! I'm 46 and I've never been married. I'm super-embarassed to admit that I haven't been on a date in years. I'm about 120 lbs overweight. I get a lot of compliments from people that I'm pretty, smart and nice, but when it comes to romantic interests, it's just not going on...
One reason why I decided to join MFP and work on my weight is that I've been frustrated with the lack of dating. I struggle with feeling invisible to men (I'm sure overweight guys have their own version of this) I always end up with guys who just want to be best buddies. It's at the point where I'm wondering if I'll ever get married if I don't lose weight! People always give me advice that "some men like overweight women" but I obviously don't ever meet those men. Some well-meaning friends have told me that it's "all in my head" and there are plenty of women who are overweight and married.
I'm frustrated that at church I'll try to strike up conversations with single men, but they look at me with this "deer caught in the headlights" look and run away as fast as possible. I'm not even exaggerating!
I realize that it might not be just my weight, but my own lack of self-confidence. I have absolutely no self confidence with men. I've just been snubbed by so many guys, I'm afraid my self esteem is zilch.
At this point, I'm just worried that I'm going to be single forever!
One reason why I decided to join MFP and work on my weight is that I've been frustrated with the lack of dating. I struggle with feeling invisible to men (I'm sure overweight guys have their own version of this) I always end up with guys who just want to be best buddies. It's at the point where I'm wondering if I'll ever get married if I don't lose weight! People always give me advice that "some men like overweight women" but I obviously don't ever meet those men. Some well-meaning friends have told me that it's "all in my head" and there are plenty of women who are overweight and married.
I'm frustrated that at church I'll try to strike up conversations with single men, but they look at me with this "deer caught in the headlights" look and run away as fast as possible. I'm not even exaggerating!
I realize that it might not be just my weight, but my own lack of self-confidence. I have absolutely no self confidence with men. I've just been snubbed by so many guys, I'm afraid my self esteem is zilch.
At this point, I'm just worried that I'm going to be single forever!
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Replies
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I wouldn't say my weight has kept me single in itself, but it certainly played a major role in my complete lack of self confidence and self image - which are much bigger factors.
Having shifted a lot of weight that has improved a little, but the self-image and confidence (especially around women I find attractive) are still very much a work in progress.0 -
I am 29 and also single, never been married and I KNOW for a fact that my extra weight is a big factor FOR ME.
Self-confidence is the sexiest thing in the world. Men can see it. NO it doesn't mean if you have self-confidence EVERY man is going to find you attractive. Unfortunately it doesnt work that way. However if you don't feel confident enough to put yourself out there no one is going to see you. The only problem though of focusing your weight loss on this theory of why your single is that you are not doing it for the right reason and failure is a huge possibility. I have always thought that you can't get your body right until you get your head right. You have to do this for you. You have to retrain your brain not to badger you and break you down if you mess up. Basically you have to learn to believe in yourself before you can expect anyone else to. Once you have done this the rest will follow. Sorry about the tangent lol....good luck0 -
I may be young, a mere 23, but I am an old soul. I have never had a boyfriend and feel that that is the way my life is headed. I am about 90lbs overweight and have PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovaries) which also brings lovely side effects. Both combined means I have zero self-confidence. So I can completely relate! I have lost 20 lbs which has helped boost my self-esteem but not to the point I want to be at. Everyone says "Oh you'll meet someone!" except they are already in a relationship so they have nothing to worry about. Some days it gets me down, but other days I embrace my singleness and enjoy it. In the long run, I really hope someone comes along that can see past my outwards appearance and fall in love with me, and all my awesomeness
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Short answer: yes.
Long answer: I have an intense fear of rejection and lack of self-confidence, and that was a problem before I put on my weight. (I'm sure some overpaid shrink would say that it's *why* I put on my weight, but that's neither here nor there.) The weight has certainly added to the self-confidence issues, which makes approaching women *extremely* difficult. That's probably why I settled and married my psycho ex who managed to screw me up even further.
So now, any time I see an attractive girl, my thought process roughly goes like this: "She's cute! I should ask her out! Or rather, I should, but she doesn't look like the type who's into fat guys. Of course, even if she did go out with you, she'd probably cheat on you...screw it, let's have another beer."0 -
Yes. I definitely feel that is a large part of the reason that I am still single. My weight caused me to have zero self confidence and so much self hatred that I had gotten to the point that I hated to even go out in public because I felt as though everyone was looking at me all the time.0
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Speaking personally (since I don't know you and obviously haven't experienced the things that you have in your life) all I can say is:
1. Yes, I do think that in my case my weight has had a huge impact on my self-esteem and coupled with relationships with two cheating partners (one a wife and the other a fiance) the thought of trying to 'put myself out there' again frankly gives me the heebeegeebies!
2. I don't (nor do I think anyone else should) want to lose weight for anyone other than themselves. I'm doing it for my health and my future. Without either of those I think any long-term relationship is pretty much doomed.
3. If you get too hung up on the weight issues then you might find that they get in the way of enjoying any relationship (romantic or otherwise) that you do have. It might sound contrite but I think you have to learn to love yourself first - after all, if you think you're awesome anyone who doesn't fall for you is just losing out! 8)
4. Speaking as a man who was married to a very slim and fit aerobics instructor... I'll take an overweight woman who likes me for being me over a supermodel who wants me to be something I'm not and in all likelihood, never will be.
Romance/sex is all well and good but physical looks fade and if your partner can't appreciate you for the person inside then they really aren't in love with you. Hopefully, one day you'll find your love interest - just don't rush into things and don't worry if they seem to be taking too long. The world's a pretty big place and it may take them a while to find you. In the meantime, keep on doing what you're doing and look after yourself.
Good luck in your adventures.0 -
Thank you so much, everybody, for your sincere and thoughtful answers! :flowerforyou:
It was hard for me to post all my crazy insecurities on this message board, but in "real" (non-cyber) life all the people who give me advice are people who are married, and who don't have weight issues. Always hearing that things were "all in my head" was kind of making me doubt my perceptions and making me feel wacko.
One of my best friends kept talking about how she lost "so much weight." she gushed about how fat and ugly she had been. Finally I asked her how much weight she lost. She had gone down from a size 4 to a size 2! And she could not understand why I just couldn't lose weight like she had. :laugh:
I've had a lot of nasty comments from past boyfriends about my weight. One told me that he could never marry me because he knew I'd become "fat like my mother," and then he'd have to divorce me. Isn't that charming?
I really want to love myself and improve my self-confidence. I know that it isn't just the weight that's holding me back. It's just so hard to get rid of all the emotional baggage from how people have treated me...0 -
I think it absolutely has.
I know confidence is important and attractive, but I really feel like people over estimate it. I'm great when talking with someone, I don't usually approach first because I'm just introverted like that, but the thing is, I watch my friends get approached, and I never do. How can my confidence be the issue when guys don't talk to me in the first place?0 -
I feel like it contributes. I have had people say, you are pretty for a big girl, really??0
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For me its not my weight that keeps me single. Its my issues deep inside that freak me out when someone pushes to close thats keeping me always runing away. Thats the real reason why I gained the weight in the first place. I feel a good amount of people gain weight because they are trying to hide away or dont want to deal with the issues inside.0
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I've gotten "You have such a pretty face" which is their way of saying "but your body is huge". I think my weight has kept me single. I looked on online dating sites, and even overweight guys are looking for "slender" women. For real? Dude, if you're big, you have no right passing judgment on someone else! What men post on their profiles for what they are looking for in a woman has nothing to do with my self confidence. There may be some degree of confidence in the mix, but I think that there are a lot of superficial people out there.0
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I don't think it is superficial to have a body preference for the type of person you date. It might not only be because of looks but that they view that person as more active or goal oriented. It's not always accurate but hey, it's a dating website and it's hard to base a lot of things on a profile. I am not looking for a relationship but when I am.. I am not looking for someone who is overweight.. or at least not someone that has no desire to do something about it. I don't think that an overweight man is unattractive. I have found plenty of overweight men very attractive, it's just that their lifestyle (typically) doesn't match the lifestyle that I am aiming for. I won't rule an overweight man out who has goals and strives for what I strive for but I am at a point in my life that I have realized that I am not selfish enough. If I am dating a man who does not find health and fitness important, I ignore my own health and fitness for whatever he wants to do in place of the gym and eat the foods that he wants to eat. Which is definitely a good reason why I am single and plan on staying single.
I guess that is where my weight problems keep me single. Not because men don't find me attractive.. I have gotten plenty of attention from men, but it is because of my own lack of putting value on my needs above someone elses that it isn't healthy for me to be in a relationship.
I have experienced emotional abuse in the past as well by previous partners and an ex husband. When things were good they told me how beautiful I was. They were also very abusive though when things weren't good and when emotionally abusive they always used my weight against me. The last guy I was in a relationship with told me he wasn't attracted to 300 lb women (I was 214 lbs which was 15 lbs lighter than I was when I started dating him).. He used my weight as a scape goat.. even though he could stop looking at me or getting jealous of other people looking at me. It was like he was almost getting mad that I was losing weight and getting attention (which I never intentionally drew to myself and ignored) and played on my insecurities to make me feel like something was wrong with me, instead of wrong with him. I recognized this as a major red flag from a past relationship and the relationship did not carry on after that. My first marriage my husband was such a jealous man that he told me I was ugly, fat, and that no one would ever want me and I went from 189 lbs to over 300 lbs in a year. I haven't seen under 200 lbs in 9 years. That is my major short term goal that I have been aiming for .. for years.
Anyways.. staying single for me is mostly by choice... and does have to do with my weight loss (journey) and building self esteem to never let a man use my weight as a weapon against me. My weight and my health are personal to me and I am making the decision to lose weight and get healthy for myself and my children.. not for a relationship. I hope that you all choose to lose for you because you will be happiest if it is for yourself, your results will be so much more rewarding and when you are happy with yourself, you will be much more approachable to the right man. I believe that.. When I have the confidence in myself then I will find the right kind of man, or he will find me.0 -
Most definitely - I get told all the time that I am half decent looking - I will make a great husband because I know how to treat women but NO ONE wants to be with a fat guy! They would rather find the sexy dude that treats them like crap because he looks good. I am 41 and looking for that someone. So ladies add me as a friend and lets chat! Worse thing that happens is we make a new friend!
Dan0 -
I feel it is my personality that kept me single my whole life. My weight probably helped keep some woman away that would just end up disappointed afterwards lol.0
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I think it is more if a self-confidence thing.
I have two beautiful sisters who are very overweight but are very loved by the men in their lives. They have very "sparkly" personalities, and are never lacking in male attention.
I, on the other hand, am the "skinny sister" who is always lacking in male attention and always boyfriendless. When men DO flirt with me I get very nervous and I don't know how to act back!
Now, I was obese from the time I was 12 until 26, and always sad that I did not have relationships. I always told myself that it would be easier if I lost the weight. I have been 100 pounds lighter for a decade now, and it did not get any easier for me. (Sorry to break it to ya!)
Of course weight plays a factor, but it is not the only one. I think more importantly is how you project yourself onto the world.0 -
Im in much better shape when Im single.0
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I'm 40 and never been married or even engaged though I have had a couple two year relationships. But I don't feel it was due to my weight as I know plenty of women who were bigger than I was and still found a guy and got married. Rather I'm sure my lack of confidence and my insecurities about being so big kept me at home and made me miss out on opportunities to meet someone.
It makes me sad now to think of how different my life could have been had I loved myself more. But hindsight is 20/20 so I'm focusing on the future instead and just enjoying my new found confidence and my new body. 0 -
i have been told if i lost weight i would be a hottie0
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This is a very interesting question. For me, I believe, that yes, my weight was a factor. I had a huge weight gain due to medications and I felt quite betrayed by my body. I hated myself and couldn't believe that anyone could find me attractive because I couldn't. It's strange because I don't judge others nearly as harshly as I judge myself. It took years, but I've lost almost all of the weight, yet I'm having a difficult time seeing what others see. I'm trying to be kind to myself and realizing how amazing my body is to go what it went through and yet continues to become healthier, despite my hatred over the years of it.
It's funny, but looking back at old pictures, when I thought I was fat (lol - right), I looked pretty darn good. Why didn't I appreciate it then? So now I'm focusing on reconciling my mind with my in-progress body and trying to have faith that the right person will come along who will find me beautiful in spite of my flaws 0 -
I've hid behind my weight for years. Rationale being that nobody would want a fat girl like me so why bother putting myself out there. Why make myself vulnerable to rejection, why risk getting a broken heart again? Why put my son through it? It was way easier to stay home and stuff my emotions down with food.
Well, not anymore baby. I may be in my 50's but I'm nowhere near being done with life and now that my son is an adult, it's my time to embrace life and find someone to share the journey with.0 -
No.
I was in relationships 'till i lost my weight. Seriously serious ones, with engagement and they both took together a decade. Broke up both of them. Now I am single and suspect it might last,I'm almost at my goal weight.
Two possibilities :
1) I steamrolled with my fat *kitten* the insecurities and went for a kill knowing 90% of cases i will get rejected with flirtage, so I didnt care, cos I can always drop half of my weight and i'll be having dudes back forth and centre, right?
Now i'm healthy looking girl that never innitiates I also got hella more picky
I'm also tangled in situation where both of my best male friends have crush on me, so I gotta be super carefull not to hurt any of em. I guess that keeps me succesfully single, more than weighting 120kg ever did >>.
2) It's that or i dated chubby chasers.0 -
Yeah, I think it has. I've lacked in confidence most of my life, and at almost 30 (I'll turn 30 July 5th), I've only had one boyfriend, and he liked bigger girls...
I tend to think that guys won't like me because of my weight, so even if they're flirty, I write them off as "oh, they're just being nice". I've gotten a lot better, and realized how f*cking awesome I really am, and learned to accept that people really CAN and DO like me.
It's been a long road, but I still think my weight has an effect, simply on outward attractiveness, as I still feel I need to use my personality to get a guy...0 -
I honestly didn't start to really date until I lost around 30lbs (used to be barely over 200lbs), but I don't think it was really the weight. I mean yes, to a degree it was, but it was mainly my utter lack of self-confidence and my negative attitude towards a lot of things. I would instantly shut down any hopes I had when it came to dating and it circled, like a vulture, around the excuse "I'm too fat.". Notice I said excuse.
Now that I'm a little better, but still have a ways to go, I know that it's all of me, not just the added pounds, that decides whether I'm going to be single or not. I've learned a lot about dating and myself over the last three years, but all we can do is keep moving forward and hope we find someone who builds us up and encourages our healthy life styles (or in my case an attempt at one). The last few I was with were negative in different ends of the spectrum. One constantly wanted to drag me down into gaining weight by eating out numerous times a week and to skip workout sessions, while my latest (as of this early May), would sneak in comments that made me feel bad about myself.
In the end, I still have a lot of work to do, weight wise and relationship wise, but I'm getting better. 0 -
So now, any time I see an attractive girl, my thought process roughly goes like this: "She's cute! I should ask her out! Or rather, I should, but she doesn't look like the type who's into fat guys. Of course, even if she did go out with you, she'd probably cheat on you...screw it, let's have another beer."
Replace "she" with "he" and thats totally how I think!
Now that being said, I do believe there are men out there (or women for you single guys) who will see YOU and not your flaws. I was 320lbs when I met and married my wonderful husband. He loved me for ME and could see past my size. I am so thankful that I had him. And you know, I felt beautiful when he looked at me. Well he passed away, I gained 60lbs and just lately took a good look in the mirror and was pretty ashamed of what I saw. I have a lot of kiddos in my family that I want to keep up with, and when you get winded going from your couch to your bathroom, it just isn't going to happen. I don't like myself anymore and I know even if no one can see that lack of self confidence, its there and is tangible. When I met my late husband I was VERY confident about myself and I know that helped! You have to believe in yourself and loosing weight will show you what you can achieve!0 -
I know I am single because I am overweight. I have been thin a lot of my life and still live in that mentality sometimes. I am honestly attracted to men that would like the thin version of me. Society is shallow(me included) and truly sucks... I realize I will be single until I dedicate the time I need to reach the body that makes me happy.0
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I am honestly attracted to men that would like the thin version of me.
That's a huge issue for me, too. The type of guys I typically like have absolutely no interest in a fat girl.0 -
Weight did hold me back psychologically, women want a masculine man (if we are talking selection) I wasn't confident in myself and my body language was all wrong because I believed my weight made me undesirable but the real problem was that thought alone, it wasn't a masculine trait and I would usually end up in the friend zone everytime, so although weight never held me back physically, it held me back mentally.0
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Yes. Most definitely. Why? For the last 2.5 years I work for one of the leading online relationship web sites.
The #1 complaint from men about women is their weight. They don't live an active lifestyle.
The problem is so many people focus on looks that they miss the person who is right for them and will adore them like a king or queen. You have to many NON ken's and NON barbies who want a KEN or BARBIE! Ridiculous!
I've personally been a paid member of a few sites over the years, but with no success. I get a lot of views but not communications. Based on my feedback from men calling my job i know it's b/c of my weight. I get it. I want the best from my partner, so I have to be my best for him!0 -
Very much so. I'm not comfortable in my body at all. I have a lot of anxiety revolving around dating and intimacy. In fact, at my lowest weight ( 185 ) I was starting to get a lot more attention from men, and it caused me such uncomfortableness that I gained 40 pounds back. I'm slowly working that back down again. I know that sounds ridiculous since men are attracted to all sorts of types of women, but when I was heavier I didn't get much attention at all from men. It's something I'm really going to try and get to the bottom of in 2014.
Now, just if I wasn't so anxious and could make some phone calls to some professionals about my anxiety and intimacy issues.0
