The Stigma Of The Never-Married Man
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I would like to address the never-married 30-40 something women issue though. I was in a long-term relationship with someone I thought I would marry (eventually). It didn't turn out that way (and there are too many specifics in my personal story too share here). But the more I look around I find that many women in the same situation I am are so because one or more men led them on through their 20s and early 30s (circumstances vary of course). I'm not trying to blame men here, but I have found this very basic storyline to be extremely common so there must be something to it.
The Rules Revisited blog covered this exact phenomenon.
1. http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2012/01/dont-let-guy-waste-your-most-eligible.html
2. http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2012/04/men-dont-have-commitment-problems.html
Men are not commitment phobes in general. In essence, I believe that the majority of men would like to commit, particularly in the under 35 set.
I think around the 2 year anniversary is the *kitten* or Get Off the Pot" time in a relationship, if both partners have turned 25. Women should not allow a man to string them along during the peak attractiveness years. It's about being assertive and letting it be known what you want. Likewise, I think it also behooves men to use the 2 year mark as a time to think long and hard about whether this is the right person. 2 years is a big enough sample size.0 -
I would like to address the never-married 30-40 something women issue though. I was in a long-term relationship with someone I thought I would marry (eventually). It didn't turn out that way (and there are too many specifics in my personal story too share here). But the more I look around I find that many women in the same situation I am are so because one or more men led them on through their 20s and early 30s (circumstances vary of course). I'm not trying to blame men here, but I have found this very basic storyline to be ejavascript:add_smiley('tongue','post_body'):grumble: xtremely common so there must be something to it.
The Rules Revisited blog covered this exact phenomenon.
1. http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2012/01/dont-let-guy-waste-your-most-eligible.html
2. http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2012/04/men-dont-have-commitment-problems.html
First off, I'm not one of those people who believes in dating 'rules' so those websites are meaningless to me. But even if I did, thanks for sending them so I can go back in my time machine and re-live my life over. :noway:0 -
I would like to address the never-married 30-40 something women issue though. I was in a long-term relationship with someone I thought I would marry (eventually). It didn't turn out that way (and there are too many specifics in my personal story too share here). But the more I look around I find that many women in the same situation I am are so because one or more men led them on through their 20s and early 30s (circumstances vary of course). I'm not trying to blame men here, but I have found this very basic storyline to be ejavascript:add_smiley('tongue','post_body'):grumble: xtremely common so there must be something to it.
The Rules Revisited blog covered this exact phenomenon.
1. http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2012/01/dont-let-guy-waste-your-most-eligible.html
2. http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2012/04/men-dont-have-commitment-problems.html
First off, I'm not one of those people who believes in dating 'rules' so those websites are meaningless to me. But even if I did, thanks for sending them so I can go back in my time machine and re-live my life over. :noway:
I took a shot!0 -
I would like to address the never-married 30-40 something women issue though. I was in a long-term relationship with someone I thought I would marry (eventually). It didn't turn out that way (and there are too many specifics in my personal story too share here). But the more I look around I find that many women in the same situation I am are so because one or more men led them on through their 20s and early 30s (circumstances vary of course). I'm not trying to blame men here, but I have found this very basic storyline to be ejavascript:add_smiley('tongue','post_body'):grumble: xtremely common so there must be something to it.
The Rules Revisited blog covered this exact phenomenon.
1. http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2012/01/dont-let-guy-waste-your-most-eligible.html
2. http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2012/04/men-dont-have-commitment-problems.html
First off, I'm not one of those people who believes in dating 'rules' so those websites are meaningless to me. But even if I did, thanks for sending them so I can go back in my time machine and re-live my life over. :noway:
I hope the time machine takes the form of a hot tub.0 -
I would like to address the never-married 30-40 something women issue though. I was in a long-term relationship with someone I thought I would marry (eventually). It didn't turn out that way (and there are too many specifics in my personal story too share here). But the more I look around I find that many women in the same situation I am are so because one or more men led them on through their 20s and early 30s (circumstances vary of course). I'm not trying to blame men here, but I have found this very basic storyline to be extremely common so there must be something to it.
The Rules Revisited blog covered this exact phenomenon.
1. http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2012/01/dont-let-guy-waste-your-most-eligible.html
2. http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2012/04/men-dont-have-commitment-problems.html
Men are not commitment phobes in general. In essence, I believe that the majority of men would like to commit, particularly in the under 35 set.
I think around the 2 year anniversary is the *kitten* or Get Off the Pot" time in a relationship, if both partners have turned 25. Women should not allow a man to string them along during the peak attractiveness years. It's about being assertive and letting it be known what you want. Likewise, I think it also behooves men to use the 2 year mark as a time to think long and hard about whether this is the right person. 2 years is a big enough sample size.
Gotta agree regarding the 2 year mark.
You should know within at least two years of dating if you want to marry that person. And if you're not absolutely sure, they aren't the one. If you want to get married, don't let that person string you along.0 -
I feel there is an enormous stigma against men over the age of 40 and have never been married.
All of my older female friends have repeated said they don't want to get involved with a man who's over 40 and have never been married. They most likely think he's just a player looking for some action as opposed to something serious. Even though there are plenty of reasons why a man is 40 and never married, the stigma still exists. That's life, deal with it :glasses:
For females is starts much earlier. I think there's a stigma against women who are 35 and have never been married. I've heard these women being referred to as damage good or "dented cans". Some of this is regional too. In the northeast, it's somewhat acceptable. Everywhere else in the country, it's much less acceptable.
I have to admit that I agree with this... Also, having been married 25 years and have two kids in their 20's, I have a perception that they would never understand. But since this topic came up maybe I should change my thinking.0 -
I hadn't realised the ultimate goal of our species was for people to establish rights and obligations between the spouses by way of the legal contract/social union called marriage.
Marriage is just a very ostentatious kind of commitment...0 -
I agree with you. A lot of men think that once a woman reaches 30 and she's single for any reason, she is damaged goods.
See, this is just weird to me, and you've said things to this effect before. The vast majority of my friends, male and female, are unmarried, and many are very single, in their early 30's. Unless you're highly religious, or from a lower social/educational strata, it's highly atypical (among the professional classes, which I believe you belong to, DM) to marry in your 20's - especially your early 20's - here. I'm going to have to assume it's a cultural difference, because I don't know anyone of that sort of social background here who thinks like that. 40 or 45, unmarried and uninvolved might attract a stigma - or at least a few raised eyebrows/questions - but 30 is still young!0 -
There is a world outside of big cities though... Keep in mind big cities have a different dynamics, so it might apply in this case.The vast majority of my friends, male and female, are unmarried, and many are very single, in their early 30's. Unless you're highly religious, or from a lower social/educational strata, it's highly atypical (among the professional classes, which I believe you belong to, DM) to marry in your 20's - especially your early 20's - here.0 -
There is a world outside of big cities though... Keep in mind big cities have a different dynamics, so it might apply in this case.The vast majority of my friends, male and female, are unmarried, and many are very single, in their early 30's. Unless you're highly religious, or from a lower social/educational strata, it's highly atypical (among the professional classes, which I believe you belong to, DM) to marry in your 20's - especially your early 20's - here.
I seem to recall that DM lives in a decent-sized city, and works in a 'professional' occupation - that's why I find his perspective on this so weird! Yes, of course the dynamic differs in smaller communities - that's fairly universal - but a lot of the Americans here, city-dwellers and country folk alike, seem to share DM's perspective on age, which is what leads me to think it must be a cultural difference...0 -
There is a world outside of big cities though... Keep in mind big cities have a different dynamics, so it might apply in this case.The vast majority of my friends, male and female, are unmarried, and many are very single, in their early 30's. Unless you're highly religious, or from a lower social/educational strata, it's highly atypical (among the professional classes, which I believe you belong to, DM) to marry in your 20's - especially your early 20's - here.
I seem to recall that DM lives in a decent-sized city, and works in a 'professional' occupation - that's why I find his perspective on this so weird! Yes, of course the dynamic differs in smaller communities - that's fairly universal - but a lot of the Americans here, city-dwellers and country folk alike, seem to share DM's perspective on age, which is what leads me to think it must be a cultural difference...
Have you ever been to Texas? It is DEFINITELY a different culture.0 -
Here, you really do have till at least 35 before this type of thing becomes an issue, unless you are religious. In fact, people who get married under about 28 or so are considered slightly foolish.
Personally, I would prefer to date an older (35+) divorced man than one who hasn't had a long term relationship before. Yes, there can be baggage, but often there is a humbleness, and better knowledge about what it takes to make things work. Plus, this group seems to love me! Lol.
My boyfriend is 31..and never had a relationship longer than a couple months. Thought he would be a bachelor forever.
There will be new things for us to navigate..even the sharing of space and time. He is used to being very independent.0 -
Have you ever been to Texas? It is DEFINITELY a different culture.
:laugh: Yes, I have, and I do remember that, on all sorts of levels... but I was only 9 or so, so I guess the dating culture wasn't something I noticed! I'd forgotten DM was from Texas, though I seemed to vaguely recall 'Southern' USA...0 -
Have you ever been to Texas? It is DEFINITELY a different culture.
:laugh: Yes, I have, and I do remember that, on all sorts of levels... but I was only 9 or so, so I guess the dating culture wasn't something I noticed! I'd forgotten DM was from Texas, though I seemed to vaguely recall 'Southern' USA...
I have lived in different regions of the United States. I do not consider myself very Southern at all.
I will say that even the major Texas cities do not seem as progressive socially as New York, though the major Texas cities are more socially progressive than the suburbs of the major cities or the small towns.0 -
Gotta agree regarding the 2 year mark.I think around the 2 year anniversary is the *kitten* or Get Off the Pot" time in a relationship, if both partners have turned 25. Women should not allow a man to string them along during the peak attractiveness years. It's about being assertive and letting it be known what you want. Likewise, I think it also behooves men to use the 2 year mark as a time to think long and hard about whether this is the right person. 2 years is a big enough sample size.
You should know within at least two years of dating if you want to marry that person. And if you're not absolutely sure, they aren't the one. If you want to get married, don't let that person string you along.
Curious where the 2 year mark 'rule' comes from??
And just an FYI, in my personal case, that would have made me 22 and neither of us were ready to get married that young. However, almost 14 years in, we lasted longer than most marriages I'd dare say...0 -
Have you ever been to Texas? It is DEFINITELY a different culture.
:laugh: Yes, I have, and I do remember that, on all sorts of levels... but I was only 9 or so, so I guess the dating culture wasn't something I noticed! I'd forgotten DM was from Texas, though I seemed to vaguely recall 'Southern' USA...
Not sure I would consider Texas the "Southern Culture", like Atlanta and Charlotte. Dallas is very metropolitan and Austin is full of wackos (err.. I mean creative types). All I remember about Dallas is big hair, big cars, and big houses. Everything is just bigger in Dallas.
Houston, San Antonio, and almost ever other part is considered a "minority majority".0 -
Gotta agree regarding the 2 year mark.I think around the 2 year anniversary is the *kitten* or Get Off the Pot" time in a relationship, if both partners have turned 25. Women should not allow a man to string them along during the peak attractiveness years. It's about being assertive and letting it be known what you want. Likewise, I think it also behooves men to use the 2 year mark as a time to think long and hard about whether this is the right person. 2 years is a big enough sample size.
You should know within at least two years of dating if you want to marry that person. And if you're not absolutely sure, they aren't the one. If you want to get married, don't let that person string you along.
Curious where the 2 year mark 'rule' comes from??
And just an FYI, in my personal case, that would have made me 22 and neither of us were ready to get married that young. However, almost 14 years in, we lasted longer than most marriages I'd dare say...
The 2 year mark is from the book "the rules" but I agree with it wholeheartedly. In your situation 22 is young...and there are obvious exceptions to the rule. But if you're a person who is dating and wants to be married and he or she hasn't popped the question or said yes and you've been dating for a while, you need to *kitten* or get off the pot.
Disregard that if you've no intention to ever get married/don't believe in it.0 -
The marine I was dating is 40 and single and I was telling my sister about him and she said "Jennifer, if they are 40 and never been married .. there is something wrong with him. there is a reason for it. You need to find it"0
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Have you ever been to Texas? It is DEFINITELY a different culture.
:laugh: Yes, I have, and I do remember that, on all sorts of levels... but I was only 9 or so, so I guess the dating culture wasn't something I noticed! I'd forgotten DM was from Texas, though I seemed to vaguely recall 'Southern' USA...
Not sure I would consider Texas the "Southern Culture", like Atlanta and Charlotte. Dallas is very metropolitan and Austin is full of wackos (err.. I mean creative types). All I remember about Dallas is big hair, big cars, and big houses. Everything is just bigger in Dallas.
Houston, San Antonio, and almost ever other part is considered a "minority majority".
Charlotte is a transplant city and most people are from NY or the midwest. Charlotte is the fastest growing city in the US. I think I have 2 friends that even would call Charlotte their home town. If you go outside of Charlotte you get the old school southern beliefs. Atlanta and Dallas would be on the same scale as they are very metropolitan but both can have strong "Southern Belle/ Gentleman" cultures within certian circles.0 -
The marine I was dating is 40 and single and I was telling my sister about him and she said "Jennifer, if they are 40 and never been married .. there is something wrong with him. there is a reason for it. You need to find it"
He is a marine. I think that nails it down why he is 40 and never married.0
