To settle or not to settle...
afv417
Posts: 466 Member
For those of you who know about my "bathroom" guy; we are still hanging out and doing our thing. I am starting to get some weird feelings that I do not know how to explain. I'm either a) annoyed b) losing my patience c) jealous d) settling. (I say jealous because I was invited to a dinner last night at his friends house I couldn't attend and besides all the couples, another female friend of theirs went as well and it actually made me kind of jealous.)
I am new to the area and joined a dating site where I met him. We have been seeing each other for 2 months. I wrote a thread about his cleanliness and how to approach him about it. I did mention something, his bathroom got half cleaned and it hasn't been touched since. I cleaned his kitchen the same day and it's slowly going back to "normal".
I think this bothers me a lot more than I think, but I'm also wondering: "Do I stick around because he's my only option?"
He is an amazing friend and has a big heart and I would like to have a conversation with him about "us" and how or where he sees this going because I do not want to miss out on continuing our friendship by getting serious and giving us a title and then it not working out and each of us going separate ways.
Am I making sense?
I am new to the area and joined a dating site where I met him. We have been seeing each other for 2 months. I wrote a thread about his cleanliness and how to approach him about it. I did mention something, his bathroom got half cleaned and it hasn't been touched since. I cleaned his kitchen the same day and it's slowly going back to "normal".
I think this bothers me a lot more than I think, but I'm also wondering: "Do I stick around because he's my only option?"
He is an amazing friend and has a big heart and I would like to have a conversation with him about "us" and how or where he sees this going because I do not want to miss out on continuing our friendship by getting serious and giving us a title and then it not working out and each of us going separate ways.
Am I making sense?
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Replies
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the only real thought that popped into my head is that whole " you can't change someone" thing. if he's messy in the kitchen, he will be that way until HE wants to change. so, if that's always going to bother you either you will have to do something about it, accept it, or move on with your life.
if you don't want to ruin the friendship you have, then don't say anything about the relationship being defined just enjoy being with him :-)0 -
Write down all the pro's and con's on a sheet and go from there. Cleanliness might be more important to some people than others. Remember, I'm going to start requiring guests to wear booties when they come into my house, so cleanliness is VERY important and an absolute deal breaker for me. It might not be so important to other people.
All in all, he seems like a decent guy. Tell him to get a cleaning lady. Problem solved.0 -
Write down all the pro's and con's on a sheet and go from there. Cleanliness might be more important to some people than others. Remember, I'm going to start requiring guests to wear booties when they come into my house, so cleanliness is VERY important and an absolute deal breaker for me. It might not be so important to other people.
All in all, he seems like a decent guy. Tell him to get a cleaning lady. Problem solved.
I agree with the list idea. Break it down and then decide from there what to do next.0 -
If you really like him, but there are external factors which bother you (the cleaning thing!), decide how important they are to you, as opposed to the intrinsic, internal factors - he's a nice guy with a big heart - then see if you can think of a 'fix' that doesn't involve the inevitably-futile attempt to change him, if they really matter to you eg. Mike's idea about a cleaner. Simple fix, and worth pursuing if you really like him apart from that one thing.0
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If you're getting annoyed now, it's only going to get worse. A lot worse... We men tend to try a bit more during the courtship phase. If that's his best effort, well...
You said you're new to the area. Perhaps you just like being in a relationship, and Mr Bathroom was safe and convenient?
--P0 -
Don't try to fix someone. Accept him or accept that he's not right for you.
Last relationship I ended up cleaning up after him and resenting it, he felt I was mothering him and resented it... And it could have been an awesome friendship if we stopped there!0 -
If you're getting annoyed now, it's only going to get worse. A lot worse... We men tend to try a bit more during the courtship phase. If that's his best effort, well...
You said you're new to the area. Perhaps you just like being in a relationship, and Mr Bathroom was safe and convenient?
--P
I do like being in a relationship... he was the first guy I met online0 -
Don't try to fix someone. Accept him or accept that he's not right for you.
Last relationship I ended up cleaning up after him and resenting it, he felt I was mothering him and resented it... And it could have been an awesome friendship if we stopped there!
I'm not trying to fix or change him. I want him to understand that cleanliness is important to me. I don't expect him to become Mr. Clean but at least show that he cares enough to try to make me feel comfortable. If that's the case then I would show my appreciation back by helping him maintain it.0 -
hes setting u up for a lifetime of cleaning after him. not always a bad thing. some people are just that way.
are u ok w that?
if not, move on0 -
hes setting u up for a lifetime of cleaning after him. not always a bad thing. some people are just that way.
are u ok w that?
if not, move on
Yeah, I'm ok with cleaning. I'm very traditional and do a lot for my "man" but given that we are friends right now I didn't want to set the expectation NOW that I will take care of it.0 -
Yeah, I'm ok with cleaning. I'm very traditional and do a lot for my "man" but given that we are friends right now I didn't want to set the expectation NOW that I will take care of it.
Hi. I've lived with someone who was extremely messy (borderline hoarder). I'm old fashioned too, but his level of filth was amazing. My friend married his best friend and they have the same problem. When we dated his place was always spotless. If a man didn't care enough to spruce up the place when you first came over, you can bet it will go downhill from there.
The first MONTH of marriage I was cleaning 2-3 hours a day (I was on summer break and didn't have a job). I still cannot scientifically explain to you how a man who is only home 5-6 hours at night can create THAT much of a mess. It disgusted me and for years I lived in a house where there were areas I considered too nasty to even go in (except every few months when I went in to throw out the trash and neaten things). One of the things I *love* about being single is that my house is always clean (sometimes cluttered, but always clean) and ok enough for people to come over.
You say you love to clean, but if it's like this NOW I'm 99% confident you won't be happy once he thinks he's "got you."0 -
Never settle! Watching friends, family etc etc I think women (in general) will stick around longer even though they know something probably isnt going to work out. Men on the other hand (me specifically) get a reputation as a serial dater or something along those lines, because it really is easier to weed out what you dont want, hence a lot of first and second dates but nothing after that.
My advice, go with a pro/con list if that helps but your gut already knows so why waste anymore time? You said you like being in relationships so find one that works instead of wasting time staying in one that you already know is going nowhere.0 -
I strongly dislike the word "settle, settling, etc"
(the following is not directed at the OP, it is a generalization)
Settling is someone else told you, or gave you a feeling that XYZ was a negative thing or not what the masses do, and so now you question your own gut feeling about XYZ and you've given that' other person's opinion more weight than your own gut judgement.
You then quarrel with your gut feeling so that XYZ might not be the right decision because that other person might be right.
You might like XYZ, feel comfortable with it, but because someone else put thier 2 cents worth in about it and it wasn't in agreeance with your gut feeling, you now feel like you are "settling".
Trust your mind, your thoughts, your body....if it is giving you a stink.... do what it says. If you question your own judgement, becareful about taking others opinions. You are the one living the situation. If you end up wrong, oh well, learn from it.
It's always good to ask others for thier opinions, god knows I enjoy hearing the different aspects, but it all boils down to you. :flowerforyou:0 -
If you become serious with this guy you will always always always be cleaning for him. Cleaning everything. It's important to you, it's not important to him. I believe that it's unfair of you to believe that if he would clean if it made you happy - he does other things to make you happy, recognize those. In the meantime you have to ask YOURSELF if you are willing to accept this partnership as is. To me it sounds like you're already fed up. Jealousy is not an indicator of a relationship working.
Yes? No?0 -
Yeah, I'm ok with cleaning. I'm very traditional and do a lot for my "man" but given that we are friends right now I didn't want to set the expectation NOW that I will take care of it.
u say ur ok with cleaning but your posts read like u wish he'd put forth more effort.
u sa ur friends? so ur not dating?I'm also wondering: "Do I stick around because he's my only option?"
always a bad idea. u never know when the perfect guy will show up.0 -
u say ur ok with cleaning but your posts read like u wish he'd put forth more effort.
u sa ur friends? so ur not dating?
I am ok with cleaning once we've established a relationship and I know what "we" are.
Yes we are dating but we are just enjoying each others company. :indifferent:
I have no idea what I want apparently...:frown:0 -
If you're falling in love with him, you'll put up with some bad habits. If you don't fall for him, those bad habits will just become more annoying and other cracks will appear.
I think there will come a time in the next few weeks when you will decide if this man is right for you, or not. :flowerforyou:0 -
Don't try to fix someone. Accept him or accept that he's not right for you.
Last relationship I ended up cleaning up after him and resenting it, he felt I was mothering him and resented it... And it could have been an awesome friendship if we stopped there!
I'm not trying to fix or change him. I want him to understand that cleanliness is important to me. I don't expect him to become Mr. Clean but at least show that he cares enough to try to make me feel comfortable. If that's the case then I would show my appreciation back by helping him maintain it.
I am very sorry but yes you are trying to change him. And your thought process is total BS. Whether he cleans or not has absolutely nothing to do with whether he cares about you. He was a slob long before he met you and he will continue to be a slob long after you are gone. If you keep tying his (in)actions to his level of concern for you and your feelings, you are going to be resentful of him and he will become resentful of you. Pardon the pun but it is a very dirty way to fight.0 -
Don't try to fix someone. Accept him or accept that he's not right for you.
Last relationship I ended up cleaning up after him and resenting it, he felt I was mothering him and resented it... And it could have been an awesome friendship if we stopped there!
I'm not trying to fix or change him. I want him to understand that cleanliness is important to me. I don't expect him to become Mr. Clean but at least show that he cares enough to try to make me feel comfortable. If that's the case then I would show my appreciation back by helping him maintain it.
I'm probably in the minority, but I see absolutely nothing wrong with trying to change a person. If I met the perfect girl and she was a complete slob, I would try my hardest to change her and have her clean up after herself.
Very few people are going to be your ideal "right out of the box", sometimes you need to mold and refine the person to your liking.0 -
u say ur ok with cleaning but your posts read like u wish he'd put forth more effort.
u sa ur friends? so ur not dating?
I am ok with cleaning once we've established a relationship and I know what "we" are.
Yes we are dating but we are just enjoying each others company. :indifferent:
I have no idea what I want apparently...:frown:
Please take a step back and a deep breath.
There is so much wrong with this sentence it is hard to know where to begin even.:flowerforyou:0 -
Everyone has said a lot of good things .. I just wanted to add .. I think if all of your needs are being met in other areas, this one area will probably not bother you as much. But, as others have stated, he will never be any different. Just keep that in mind.0
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Everyone has said a lot of good things .. I just wanted to add .. I think if all of your needs are being met in other areas, this one area will probably not bother you as much. But, as others have stated, he will never be any different. Just keep that in mind.
You really don't think if she addresses his messiness issue, he won't put in any effort to keep his place cleaner?
I find that to be absolutely insane.0 -
Everyone has said a lot of good things .. I just wanted to add .. I think if all of your needs are being met in other areas, this one area will probably not bother you as much. But, as others have stated, he will never be any different. Just keep that in mind.
You really don't think if she addresses his messiness issue, he won't put in any effort to keep his place cleaner?
I find that to be absolutely insane.
I think it depends on what you are needing to change. Messiness is an easy thing to change, IMO. Now if you didn't like that he smoked, did drugs, drank excessively, I'd say run, but even if you everything else is great and the two of you could meet in the middle on this issue, I think things will be fine!0 -
Everyone has said a lot of good things .. I just wanted to add .. I think if all of your needs are being met in other areas, this one area will probably not bother you as much. But, as others have stated, he will never be any different. Just keep that in mind.
You really don't think if she addresses his messiness issue, he won't put in any effort to keep his place cleaner?
I find that to be absolutely insane.
One of my best friends who I love like a brother is a huge slob.Its really really bad sometimes. He lives with me and keeps his disaster confined to his room on penalty of death. Now his GF is a dear dear friend of mine and not a slob. These 2 are super in love its so cute. However every once in a while they have a fight about his room and then he or she will clean it. He will maintain it for a while and then it rapidly snowballs into a gigantic mess again. Now he loves this girl but this is part of his nature. She just accepts it for the most part and like I said every once in a while they will agrue about it and clean it together ....
Some people natures just cant be changed0 -
Everyone has said a lot of good things .. I just wanted to add .. I think if all of your needs are being met in other areas, this one area will probably not bother you as much. But, as others have stated, he will never be any different. Just keep that in mind.
You really don't think if she addresses his messiness issue, he won't put in any effort to keep his place cleaner?
I find that to be absolutely insane.
He may try, but mostly people are who they are. I have been messy my entire life. My sister has been a neat freak her entire life. My sister used to put tape across the floor to separate my mess...lol. I try every so often to change my ways, but always wind up going back to who I am.
All I have to go on is my experience with people and what I have found is they are who they are. Perhaps he has an inner Mr. Clean that is waiting to bust out. Who knows.0 -
Everyone has said a lot of good things .. I just wanted to add .. I think if all of your needs are being met in other areas, this one area will probably not bother you as much. But, as others have stated, he will never be any different. Just keep that in mind.
You really don't think if she addresses his messiness issue, he won't put in any effort to keep his place cleaner?
I find that to be absolutely insane.
I think it depends on what you are needing to change. Messiness is an easy thing to change, IMO. Now if you didn't like that he smoked, did drugs, drank excessively, I'd say run, but even if you everything else is great and the two of you could meet in the middle on this issue, I think things will be fine!
Exactly, I think cleanliness would be an easy thing to change. It's not like she's trying to change his political stance or anything like that. She just wants him to pick up after himself.0 -
u say ur ok with cleaning but your posts read like u wish he'd put forth more effort.
u sa ur friends? so ur not dating?
I am ok with cleaning once we've established a relationship and I know what "we" are.
Yes we are dating but we are just enjoying each others company. :indifferent:
I have no idea what I want apparently...:frown:
Please take a step back and a deep breath.
There is so much wrong with this sentence it is hard to know where to begin even.:flowerforyou:
Why?0 -
Some people natures just cant be changed
This. And if it doesn't really matter to them - and many people aren't bothered by a certain level of mess/chaos (including me!) - even if their intentions are good, they may never even notice something that would drive you mad, if you prefer/need things to be very neat and very clean all of the time.
As I said before, if that's the only thing that bothers you and everything else is good, look for the external 'fix' for the issue ( a cleaning service, or only spending time at your house/out - whatever works!) - he's unlikely to change, and it wouldn't be good for your nascent relationship to try to make him change anyway.0 -
Everyone has said a lot of good things .. I just wanted to add .. I think if all of your needs are being met in other areas, this one area will probably not bother you as much. But, as others have stated, he will never be any different. Just keep that in mind.
You really don't think if she addresses his messiness issue, he won't put in any effort to keep his place cleaner?
I find that to be absolutely insane.
I think it depends on what you are needing to change. Messiness is an easy thing to change, IMO. Now if you didn't like that he smoked, did drugs, drank excessively, I'd say run, but even if you everything else is great and the two of you could meet in the middle on this issue, I think things will be fine!
Exactly, I think cleanliness would be an easy thing to change. It's not like she's trying to change his political stance or anything like that. She just wants him to pick up after himself.
Thanks. I will address it again this weekend. :-/ Maybe I'll just pick up some clorox and go crazy in the bathroom. lol0 -
Everyone has said a lot of good things .. I just wanted to add .. I think if all of your needs are being met in other areas, this one area will probably not bother you as much. But, as others have stated, he will never be any different. Just keep that in mind.
You really don't think if she addresses his messiness issue, he won't put in any effort to keep his place cleaner?
I find that to be absolutely insane.
I think it depends on what you are needing to change. Messiness is an easy thing to change, IMO. Now if you didn't like that he smoked, did drugs, drank excessively, I'd say run, but even if you everything else is great and the two of you could meet in the middle on this issue, I think things will be fine!
Exactly, I think cleanliness would be an easy thing to change. It's not like she's trying to change his political stance or anything like that. She just wants him to pick up after himself.
Thanks. I will address it again this weekend. :-/ Maybe I'll just pick up some clorox and go crazy in the bathroom. lol
And make sure to clean the entire bathroom this time. :laugh:0
