To settle or not to settle...
Replies
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Everyone has said a lot of good things .. I just wanted to add .. I think if all of your needs are being met in other areas, this one area will probably not bother you as much. But, as others have stated, he will never be any different. Just keep that in mind.
You really don't think if she addresses his messiness issue, he won't put in any effort to keep his place cleaner?
I find that to be absolutely insane.
I think it depends on what you are needing to change. Messiness is an easy thing to change, IMO. Now if you didn't like that he smoked, did drugs, drank excessively, I'd say run, but even if you everything else is great and the two of you could meet in the middle on this issue, I think things will be fine!
Exactly, I think cleanliness would be an easy thing to change. It's not like she's trying to change his political stance or anything like that. She just wants him to pick up after himself.
Thanks. I will address it again this weekend. :-/ Maybe I'll just pick up some clorox and go crazy in the bathroom. lol
And make sure to clean the entire bathroom this time. :laugh:
Yeah... thanks!
P.S. Can I borrow a pair of booties? :bigsmile:0 -
u say ur ok with cleaning but your posts read like u wish he'd put forth more effort.
u sa ur friends? so ur not dating?
I am ok with cleaning once we've established a relationship and I know what "we" are.
Yes we are dating but we are just enjoying each others company. :indifferent:
I have no idea what I want apparently...:frown:
Please take a step back and a deep breath.
There is so much wrong with this sentence it is hard to know where to begin even.:flowerforyou:
Why?
What logic is there in being okay with something then but not okay with it now to the point you are feeling like ending it.
You are basically either offering a bribe..."clean up better and we can be together,then I will do it" or are setting yourself up for a long time of unhappiness as you have no idea if this will suddenly become acceptable to you.
It is saying in effect that if you change now then I will change then and you can be who you are so humor me.
Do you honestly think this is the basis for a strong relationship?0 -
Some people natures just cant be changed
This. And if it doesn't really matter to them - and many people aren't bothered by a certain level of mess/chaos (including me!) - even if their intentions are good, they may never even notice something that would drive you mad, if you prefer/need things to be very neat and very clean all of the time.
As I said before, if that's the only thing that bothers you and everything else is good, look for the external 'fix' for the issue ( a cleaning service, or only spending time at your house/out - whatever works!) - he's unlikely to change, and it wouldn't be good for your nascent relationship to try to make him change anyway.
I agree. I've never known a messy person turn into a tidy person. Or vice versa.
Usually the tidy person will compensate for the slobby person and the messy person will go on a guilt trip once in a while and help out. But generally, people have their own idea of what cleanliness is acceptable to them and, left to their own devices, will naturally be who they are. Probably a behaviour learnt in childhood?
I dunno, but that has been my experience with anyone that is either OCD or slob! They have been either way since I've known them :smokin:0 -
u say ur ok with cleaning but your posts read like u wish he'd put forth more effort.
u sa ur friends? so ur not dating?
I am ok with cleaning once we've established a relationship and I know what "we" are.
Yes we are dating but we are just enjoying each others company. :indifferent:
I have no idea what I want apparently...:frown:
Please take a step back and a deep breath.
There is so much wrong with this sentence it is hard to know where to begin even.:flowerforyou:
Why?
What logic is there in being okay with something then but not okay with it now to the point you are feeling like ending it.
You are basically either offering a bribe..."clean up better and we can be together,then I will do it" or are setting yourself up for a long time of unhappiness as you have no idea if this will suddenly become acceptable to you.
It is saying in effect that if you change now then I will change then and you can be who you are so humor me.
Do you honestly think this is the basis for a strong relationship?
Oh no! I am in no way bribing him. Let me put it differently:
-If a friend asks me to help me clean I would be happy to. Hence, if he were to ask me I would be happy to.
-If a friend expects me to do so just because I don't like it; it's not happening.
If I am dating someone and the relationship goes further and everything else is falling into place (we each care for each other, we each show appreciation for each other, etc....) then I would definitely do so because:
1) We have a connection and whether he cleans or not he's making me happy, so why wouldn't I do it to for him?
2) It's important to me
Does that make sense?0 -
Let it go - stay friends
If you were truly into him you wouldn't question it
Focus on you and I know you said you're newer to the area - go out exploring on your own maybe.
Don't want to have every new thing attached to someone else from the get go0 -
Oh no! I am in no way bribing him. Let me put it differently:
-If a friend asks me to help me clean I would be happy to. Hence, if he were to ask me I would be happy to.
-If a friend expects me to do so just because I don't like it; it's not happening.
If I am dating someone and the relationship goes further and everything else is falling into place (we each care for each other, we each show appreciation for each other, etc....) then I would definitely do so because:
1) We have a connection and whether he cleans or not he's making me happy, so why wouldn't I do it to for him?
2) It's important to me
Does that make sense?
Not exactly,you are clearly not happy with it now so unless he changes it is going to prevent anything going farther for you isn`t it?
If that is not the case and you can be happy with his sloppiness now and get into a relationship then I am missing something in this.
It sounds as if you have decided he needs to conform to your wish (which being clean is not a bad one in and of itself) and if he does that becomes a trigger for you to carry it farther.
A "proof" that he cares.
If after the fact you say no big deal then what kind of thoughts is that going to plant in his mind?0 -
Oh no! I am in no way bribing him. Let me put it differently:
-If a friend asks me to help me clean I would be happy to. Hence, if he were to ask me I would be happy to.
-If a friend expects me to do so just because I don't like it; it's not happening.
If I am dating someone and the relationship goes further and everything else is falling into place (we each care for each other, we each show appreciation for each other, etc....) then I would definitely do so because:
1) We have a connection and whether he cleans or not he's making me happy, so why wouldn't I do it to for him?
2) It's important to me
Does that make sense?
Not exactly,you are clearly not happy with it now so unless he changes it is going to prevent anything going farther for you isn`t it?
If that is not the case and you can be happy with his sloppiness now and get into a relationship then I am missing something in this.
It sounds as if you have decided he needs to conform to your wish (which being clean is not a bad one in and of itself) and if he does that becomes a trigger for you to carry it farther.
A "proof" that he cares.
If after the fact you say no big deal then what kind of thoughts is that going to plant in his mind?
I appreciate your input.0 -
Never settle. Ever.
However, if the cleanliness is the only thing that bothers you about him, you need to evaluate how much it bothers you and whether it's something you can put up with. We all have to make compromises in a relationship to make things work, because nobody is perfect. If you truly don't mind cleaning, but love everything else about him, it could be worth sticking around. But, try getting him to help...maybe show him some tricks for maintaining. He could have grown up in a home where his parents didn't maintain a home to the same standards as you. I had to learn my cleaning habits as an adult, because my parents were very lax at home. That is one thing my ex-husband was good for.
As others have stated, look at the pros and cons, but don't expect him to change. 0 -
Some people natures just cant be changed
This. And if it doesn't really matter to them - and many people aren't bothered by a certain level of mess/chaos (including me!) - even if their intentions are good, they may never even notice something that would drive you mad, if you prefer/need things to be very neat and very clean all of the time.
As I said before, if that's the only thing that bothers you and everything else is good, look for the external 'fix' for the issue ( a cleaning service, or only spending time at your house/out - whatever works!) - he's unlikely to change, and it wouldn't be good for your nascent relationship to try to make him change anyway.
I agree. I've never known a messy person turn into a tidy person. Or vice versa.
Usually the tidy person will compensate for the slobby person and the messy person will go on a guilt trip once in a while and help out. But generally, people have their own idea of what cleanliness is acceptable to them and, left to their own devices, will naturally be who they are. Probably a behaviour learnt in childhood?
I dunno, but that has been my experience with anyone that is either OCD or slob! They have been either way since I've known them :smokin:
I am messy when I live by myself but when I am living with someone else I make sure to be more tidy. I will never be OCD clean but living by myself I usually let dishes sit in the sink a day or two but when living with someone I always wash them right after use. It is about being considerate to the people you live with. That being said I would never have someone over to my place when the kitchen and bathrooms have not been scrubbed down no matter how well I know them.0
