Menopausal Mad Hatters - We WILL be just FINE (Dec 17th)
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Saw this on SparkPeople this morning. Kinda lengthy, but worth the read in my opinion. Have a wonderful day!
Practicing the Art of Self-Compassion
Next month I will celebrate my 7th SparkVersary. It's hard to believe I have been a part of this community for so long--3 years as a member and 4 years as an employee. And in this time I have had the opportunity to read and respond to literally thousands of message board posts covering topics ranging from weight loss to running and everything in between.
One of the best parts of my job is inspiring others to take the steps necessary to lead them down the path to healthy living. Not necessarily following in my exact path, but forging their own path so that they can embrace their own success. As my former running coach once told me years ago when my own motivation was waning, "Nancy, motivation is a gift we give ourselves. Inspiration is a gift we give others."
I hope I can inspire you to look beyond the outside and see the true beauty that lies within ALL of us.
In my time here at SparkPeople I have read so many posts from members bringing themselves down with such comments--
"I am so fat."
"I hate my body."
"I'll never lose the weight to fit back in my jeans."
"I'm destined to be fat."
"I have been on my diet for three weeks and I still haven't lost weight, so I might as well throw in the towel."
"My family/friends/co-workers think I have no self-control."
"If only I weighed 10, 20, 50, 100 pounds less, my life would be perfect."
"I feel fat."
"I just can't do this!"
Sadly, the list could go on forever. For me as a mentor these are the toughest issues to approach. While I have tricks to help one run more efficiently or help with an exercise issue, when it comes to helping one change the way they view themselves requires a much more delicate approach.
Why is it that we can say these things to ourselves when we would NEVER say them to a family member or friend?
The Art of Self-Compassion is when we learn to treat ourselves with the same love and compassion we would have for others regardless of their faults and short-comings. So many of us have been taught to give to others even if that means sacrificing our own goals and dreams. If we don't, then the world views us as selfish. But the reality is, when we take time to care for our own needs then we have so much more to offer others in our life.
We must learn to forgive ourselves. Just like we forgive others who have wronged us.
We must learn to talk nicely about ourselves, just like we do to our children, family and our friends.
We must learn to embrace the challenges life throws our way and not consider any short-comings a failure on our part.
We must learn to take time out for ourselves, whether that is going for a nice walk, taking a nap or having a good cry. This allows us to recharge our batteries.
We must learn to be kind to ourselves regardless of what the scale reads. If someone judges me on my looks that speaks more of them, than it does of me.
We must learn to accept our own imperfections. None of us are infallible. We will make mistakes, but we must treat ourselves with kindness.
So my challenge to you is to begin the process of embracing the person you are TODAY--not the person you were. Not the person you long to be, BUT the person you are at this very moment. When we love who we are, in all our faults and imperfections than we are able to move forward and give ourselves the best gift of all--SELF-COMPASSION!0 -
I am on that Snoozie boat. Of course I am not always smooth enough to cover with concern but I am learning the older I get. I do wish I was more of the warm and fuzzy but then who would be the witch? LOLOL After some of the things I have been called in my life I enjoy being just a witch at this stage !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:bigsmile:
4 hours and bring on the Holiday !!!! All the students are " I can't wait to break"
I am honey could can't be more excited than we are !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then house cleaning and cooking !!! Everyone enjoy this FRIDAY !!!0 -
Thank you for the advice ladies. I think Snooozie is right, it is just not worth my stressing over it.
Her is a more spacific example of what I deal with. Do you remember my doing that cancer walk back in September? I was not asking for donations in any way, but was relaying to a couple of people my "pennies from Heaven" story of the 9yo cancer victom who recenlty passed and the group of woman I was to walk with who support cancer victims & there famlies. This person spoke up & stated she would never give $$ to cancer research as they have a cure & the medical world just wants to keep people sick. (note this person is a nurse). I was knocked speachless by the comment. She has lost several family members to cancer, but is still floored me. I did it out of compassion for that 9 yo & was proud to walk the 13 miles and support a mother who had lost her daughter just 1 week before. I could give several other examples.
Well enough of that, not worth my brain space!!! Everyone enjoy your day. We are all rock'n it!!0 -
for Patrice: I love the art of "I am".....
if we say we are fat, ugly, not beautiful, then what do we become????
I love the I am affirmation....
I am beautiful, strong, talented, rich, etc.......
Got this from Joel Olsteen and Oprah... (but I prefer Joel....just sayin....nicer on the eyes... "winks and smiles".....
Remember, we are made in His image, and he is.......beautiful, strong, talented, rich, etc.....
Love you all and Merry Christmas or whatever it is you celebrate this time of year.....
Christmas Carol.....0 -
<<< old picture.....not going back to that # again...
such a Disney girl.....0 -
People like that are just nasty and they are going to be that way no matter what, so I agree with the advice to recognize who is the one with the problem ,her, and then have as minimum interaction as possible and keep it as indifferent as possible. And then to neutralize that other nasty person's nasty energy, I try to visualize something humorous to associate with them for every time I see them , like I might envision us being little penguins and as I stand at work and she walks by........
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@ seehee - love it, will need to remember for when the PITAs are in my area too......:grumble: :grumble:
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0 -
LOVE the penguins, we have all felt like that.
Patrice, it is hard dealing with people who just refuse to recognize normal civilities. When I am faced with these people in my life, I repeat the serenity prayer and TRY to recognize I can't change them, only how I react to them. Sometimes it is really hard, but I hope you recognize it is all about her and not about you. Her cancer comments show that this is a very bitter woman.
I am dealing with a case of the holiday blues, my mom's best friend died on the 29th anniversary of my mom's death and while I usually notice the empty space that she left around her anniversary and through Christmas, going to that funeral just seemed to make it more difficult to acknowledge the never closing hole in my heart and move on. I am struggling not to use my normal coping mechanism (uncontrollable eating). I think that missing our loved ones who have gone before us is a normal part of the holiday season for most of us.
Comfort and Joy, Janet0 -
Good morning Hatters..
It's a few days before Christmas, and from some of the recent posts we know many of us are struggling with the "holiday blues"; so I thought maybe it would help if we talked about the subject a little? Sometimes we just don't know what to say to someone hurting, or we're afraid to say the wrong thing... so It may not be for everyone, so please.. don't feel you have to share anything at all...
It's just that at our age here in the Hatters, most of us have already experienced the pain of losing someone we loved, and the holidays can trigger painful memories from past holiday seasons, or happy ones that we then try to compare with the current one. And its not only the death of a loved one that can bring on these feelings, we each have our own "definitions" for ourselves and our own circumstances; but it seems that the underlying factor for all of us is that we feel this way because we think about eah of our many losses in the past year, whether its a loved one who has died, a divorce, being laid off from work, money woes, whatever it is that is our own. Add in that we have high expectations that our family gatherings have to go smoothly and everyone has to get along, and that we feel compelled to be "merry and cheerful" all the time... which in turn sometimes makes us feel guilty because we "think" everyone else looks so happy all the time.
All these emotions building up inside us, and as women, we tend to keep them inside..we dont want to burden anyone else with how we're feeling, or we worry it will bring someone else down if we talk about it... so we just "suck it up" then usually.. have a meltdown (whether in private or while passing the mashed potatoes at Christmas dinner...??) Or when someone looks at us and says, "why are you looking so grumpy, it's Christmas!" and frankly.. you just feel it all well up and consider bursting into tears, or picture dumping those mashed potatoes on that persons head..
And then we have the experts telling us all the things we can do to combat the blues.. which are excellent tips of course.. but when I personally am in my "moment"? I don't really give a hoot about anyone else.. and I don't want to do something nice for someone else, or list all the blessings in my life.. not right then I don't. I just want it to be okay for me to MISS the person I'm missing, or feel sad that something isn't going well in my life, or whatever it is that is bringing me down. I also occasionally resent others who have what I am feeling down about, whether its parents who are still living, or a loving partner, or whatever it is that I am feeling in my moment.. Is that normal? or right? I have no idea.. but it's how I often feel when the blues hit, and sometimes they hit so hard around this time of year, that I get sared about letting myself fall too far into that hole.. because the longer I stay there, the harder it is to drag myself out. So in recent years my method of dealing is when I start feeling that way, I set aside some time and perform a little ritual - I lay out everything to start wrapping, and I put a certain Christmas CD on which has a song called "I miss you most at Christmastime", pour a glass of wine, and being to wrap... which lasts about 5 minutes before I start to cry with all the memories building up... and then I just let it go.. (oh.. and I prep an open box of kleenex at hand btw!) and I have a really good wail.. the deep sobbing tears, and I even sometimes talk out loud to the people I've lost (ok, you might be thinking I need a little professional help at this point.. but really .. it just works for me lol).. sometimes it lasts a little while, sometimes a good hour or two.. but I let myself totally feel everything I've been trying to supress, and when the last hiccup or the kleenex box is empty, I feel BETTER. I really do. And THEN i can start thinking about the good things in my life... and the joy of having people who love me in my life right now.
Some experts think that if you are having a rough time during the holidays and you’re forced to be cheerful, it creates loneliness. But if you can say who you are missing or what you’re going through, then you aren’t so alone and you might be able to enjoy yourself a bit.
There is no wrong or right way to deal with the blues (in my opinion).. you just gotta do what works for you. But maybe by sharing how we deal with our own "moments".. it might be we can help ourselves and each other in some way. But it's not for everyone - 5 years ago I would never have dreamed of sharing something like this with anyone! (And I may regret it now if some of you are thinking this chick is off her rocker LOL)
But to all the Hatters who are dealing with this particular issue of the "holiday blues"... just remember, you aren't alone in your feelings. The true sentiment of the holidays is really about connecting with people.... whether it be with those who are "not lost, just gone before" - or with those who love and support us right now, so I just wanted you all to know that for me, that includes all of you!0 -
Snoozie you are so articulate! Thank you for your heartfelt sentiments. I know the holidays can be a very difficult time for many folks. Missing loved ones, a breakup, no money to buy gifts (if that's your thing), feeling deprived of not being able to eat all the crap available at this time of year (why is all that type of food around at this time of year anyway?), being uncomfortable in groups, uncomfortable family situations, traveling long distances (8 hr drive) for a very short period of time (3 days)... i could go on and on. All that being said, I personally love this time of year. Family gatherings can be stressful, but then i think i only get to see everyone once or twice a year, so enjoy it! you never know what is in store for the future. I miss my dad who passed away in Jan of 2010, but now I think of him with a smile on my face. He loved Christmas and I love it too. I love him so much and I miss him dearly, but there will be a day when we will meet again and I look forward to that! So take each day as it comes and make the best of it. If i screw up on the holiday I'll get back to it again as soon as I get home. Back in my element. Back to my routine. Back to being the best I can be one day at a time!
Merry Christmas to all! Have a wonderful holiday!0 -
Ladies,
I also struggle this time of year with the "holiday blues". Feelings of inadequacy, family struggles, blended family issues and the loss of a parent on Dec.21st all make for tough times for me. After the death of my dad, I didn't have time to grieve. I was the person that took care of everything in my family. Sometime in early February, I decided on my way to work to stop by the cemetery.I had a very lengthy conversation with my dad and cried and then laughed because I could here him saying " quit your damn crying, its gonna be ok". That was 13 years ago yesterday and I still get the blues around this time of year. Some years are better than others but I still miss him. The tragedy in Newtown only brings an emphasis on the loss of a loved one. I can sympathize with the parents and family members.
One of my MFP friends lost her mother yesterday and it all came rushing back. The sadness and sorrow, the guilt and feelings of loss.
I understand Snoozie's way of dealing and "talking" with those no longer with us. I haven't found the magic pill to cure the blues and more often than not wish I could bypass October, November and December and wake up January 1st.
With all that being said, I can say that being here with all of you "Hatters" has made me realize that I am not the only one that is dealing with these types of things. Damn, really, I am not the only one?
A BIG, Thank You for all that you do. Supporting, laughing and telling your stories so that other can learn and thrive from your experiences.
I wish all of you a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Tonya0 -
I send my blessing to those in the group fighting with those seasonal blues.
As the year draws to a close I want to thank Snooozie for forming this group and each and every one of you for all your support over the past year. Everyday I see a post that makes me laugh, cry, or just give me something to think about. I have come a long way this year as far as putting lifes challenges into perspective. Bad choices are for the moment, not for a life time.
I am still struggleing with getting my exercise in. With the shorter days & cold weather it is hard. I enjoy being outside, but it is cold in New England & they are calling for snow. The treadmill has been calling my name & I need to come up with a plan to get myself back on track with using it on a regular basis. Perhaps a new play list on the I-pod & back to the C25K program untlill the weather improves.
Well have a great day all & thank you again for your freindship & support.
Kathy
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"Bad choices are for the moment, not for a life time". (Bisland)
Love this, Bis!! It may very well become my new mantra! (aww and ty for the comment - right back at all of ya too!)
Gotta get some brekkie then will be back for a catch up0 -
While others are naming their people of the year, I second Bis's nomination of Snoozie for our Hatter person of the year!!! So many of us have gotten inspiration from her public community posts and the personal messages. Thank you for getting and keeping this group together.
Got through the blues, my two younger ones are home and the newly married one is happy whenever I talk to her!
I went to a party and saw someone I only see at this party. She said have we met, and I said yes we see each other every year, she said "I thought that looks like Janet but I wasn't sure, you look different, your hair?" I laughed and said yes my hair is longer, but I have also left behind 72 pounds. My cousin then said I knew you looked great and had lost weight but I would not have thought you needed to lose 72 pounds. With comments like these it was much easier to pass on the holiday goodies, which included a whole roasted pig. I also found a seat next to a veggie platter and munched away. Since I was solo, I had a great excuse for not drinking, so that really helped.
And I finally finished my Christmas cards!!! They will be postmarked Christmas Eve, which is still before Christmas even if they arrive after Christmas. Some years they are so late, I just call them new year's cards.
Thanks for the cobbler recipes, I am doing an apple cranberry one and a cherry blueberry one. My cousin told me that she was excited to find a cobbler in our town, I was puzzled because she doesn't usually talk about food like that (cousin by marriage, very thin and fit) I was right she wasn't talking about a dessert, she was talking about a real cobbler, or what I would call a shoemaker.
Merry Christmas!0
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